Good Shepherd Newsletter 9

Staff

Competency 9: Finding Stability in Change

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

A few months ago, we saw nature begin the transition from dull and slumbering to lush and vibrant. For eons, the same pattern has been followed year aft er year as trees, flowers, and animals roll through the changes in their lives. Our Catholic faith offers many examples of transition; the Transfiguration, the Crucifixion, Pentecost. Each of these moments in the Church’s history were moments where the disciples were moved from the NOW to the NOT YET, trusting God as their guide. Countless movies and novels also focus on the idea of transitions. Richard Donner’s “Th e Goonies” comes to mind as a movie where life’s transitions are faced with fear for the future and what it will hold. Slowly, as the goonies trust in their leaders and those that have gone before them, they grow in excitement as possibilities that were not imagined before begin to reveal themselves, resulting in a fabulous treasure.


Transitions are not easy, they require that we work towards them and grow along the way. As Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has said, “Th e ways of the Lord are not easy, but we were not created for an easy life, but for great things, for goodness.”


A. What are transitions? Transitions are different from changes. Changes are external events that can have an affect on our behavior, they tend to come on quickly. Transitions are internal, they are the psychological, emotional, and spiritual processes that may accompany changes and these oft en take more time to resolve. During this time of year, many of you have received new assignments or will be taking on new roles. These changes will find you newly ordained, at new parishes, in new offices, learning the faces and lives of new parishioners. Some of these changes will have been sought out, some will be unexpected. You may accept this change as part of your vocations, or vow of obedience, that does not mean that the changes will not be challenging. Being in control allows us to feel safe and secure. Change and the accompanying transitions remind us that we are sometimes vulnerable.


After all the changes take place is when the transitions will begin. Struggling to let go of your old parish, having uncertainties about your new parish. Wondering if you’ll live up to a beloved pastor. Discerning what to do in retirement. Th e questions that we ponder in transitions do not arise to be quickly glanced at and ignored. It is our chance to adapt and become better priests and people by incorporating these transitions into who we are. In doing so, we bring value to ourselves and also to those that are served by our vocations, helping them learn to transition as well. As Blessed John Henry Newman said, “To live is to change; to be perfect is to have changed often.”


B. Ways to have successful transitions.

A key to a successful transition is to remember that you are not merely rearranging the furniture but completely renovating. Sometimes from the ground up. The work of change and transition is both external and internal. Humbling ourselves to God and ceding control to Him will make all transitions easier. Below are three stages of transition to consider, adapted from William Bridges, author of “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes” (Da Capo Press).


Stage One: Letting go.

  • Recognize the ambiguous nature of “letting go.” Change is neither all fun nor all painful. To say “goodbye” is both sad and freeing.
  • Identify the subjective losses. We may experience less independence, security or control. To have to follow another person’s lead may wound our pride. Sometimes the subjective loss is more painful than the loss of a position or title.
  • Appreciate the grieving process. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grieving — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance — offer a helpful model for dealing with significant loss. Experiencing grief is not an overreaction.
  • Reflect on our personal style of coping with endings. Do we stop abruptly and avoid saying goodbye? Our responses tend to be influenced by our experience with previous endings or how our families coped with loss, yet these may not be healthy for us.
  • Recognize internal resistance. We may avoid goodbyes or drag out an ending for unconscious reasons. Speaking with a spiritual director or participating in healthy goodbye rituals — such as celebrations of what has been, prayer services and a review of life — can be quite healing.


Stage Two: Confusion and Distress

  • Surrender and patience. Do not be afraid of emptiness, and do not struggle to escape it. Say “yes” to reality. Be patient and go with the flow.
  • Resist the temptation to blame, project or objectify. Try to avoid getting into thinking that others are doing this to make you suffer, but rather that we are all suffering together, trying to find our way.
  • Treat the past with respect.
  • Reflect on spiritual memorials, experiences in which you absolutely knew God was present in your ministry to others.
  • Affirm and encourage others. Share how you feel. Others will be relieved to know they are not the only ones struggling.


Stage Three: Just do it.

  • Do not hesitate by considering every possible option, but push forward. Complete tasks that you have been avoiding: visiting the new parish, school, or meeting with the parish finance council chairperson.
  • Identify yourself with goals. Take on everything with an attitude of “I can do this.”
  • Don’t second-guess yourself. Resist the little voice that tells you to take some other road. Our first guesses are almost always on target. Don’t worry if it takes time to feel comfortable and sure about your decisions. “Give it a year” is excellent advice to the newly ordained or to the new pastor. It is still good advice for the priest in transition.
  • Focus on specific, concrete goals. Work toward small successes. Take things gradually, and within a year the progress will be evident. • Be gentle with yourself.
  • Above all, be thankful.


C. The process of leaving an old parish.


This reflection contributed by Holy Family Counseling Center counselor Dale Brewer, MS, LAPC


How to Say Goodbye

I would like to offer for this quarter’s article an antidotal piece of guidance given to me by my Postulant Director when I was in formation with the Franciscan Friars. As a religious in priestly formation, we move around a lot: our postulant year was in Boston, MA, our novitiate year was in Burlington, WI, and our temporary profession was spent in Rome, Italy, and during the summer we would spend time in different parishes throughout the Americas. Towards the end of my first year with the friars as we got ready to transition to being novices in WI, our Postulant Director offered us this prayer exercise that would change the way I would approach transition for the rest of my life. He recommended that two weeks before we had to leave to start going through the house, our offices, prayer spaces, places of community, and hang out spots, reflecting on the memories we had of being in those spaces. He told us to invite God into those memories, thanking Him for the gift of the good times and people He had put in our lives during this time. The Director invited us to bring any possible painful memories to the Lord asking for His grace and mercy, to go forward and bring healing to us and to those we may have hurt. However, he mentioned most importantly we reflect on how the Lord invited us to grow in those spaces, and to acknowledge growth that did occur, thanking Him for the opportunity. The prayer was to be concluded with “I surrender all of these moments to You Lord, both good and bad, I give You thanks for the opportunity You gave me here in (blank space), I ask You to prepare me to trust You as I move on to new opportunities to love, serve, and grow with You.”


This prayer has helped me tremendously as I try to bring closure for when I move from one chapter of my life to another. It allowed me to acknowledge that all is a gift from the Lord, and to relish in that gift while being attentive to areas in my life where I need to continue to invite the Lord’s grace to transform my heart. It allowed me to recognize how with the Lord, I had grown over that time period, which allowed me to savor the beauty and wonder of that space, and most importantly prepare my heart to trust Him that He will be there with me at the next interval, to bring new moments of joy, mercy, and growth. 

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.
By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT August 15, 2025
Grief & Hope: Therapy and Catholic Teachings on Loss and Eternal Life Grief is something that touches all of us eventually. It may arrive suddenly with the death of a loved one, linger quietly through the end of a relationship, or follow the quiet disappointment of a long-held dream falling apart. Whatever the cause, the pain of loss often arrives uninvited and stays longer than we expect. It can leave us feeling like the ground beneath our feet has shifted, upending our sense of security, meaning, and identity. In these moments, therapy offers a way to make sense of the pain, to find meaning in suffering, and — slowly but surely — to begin healing. For people of faith, particularly within the Catholic tradition, grief is not something to be merely endured. It’s something that can be transformed through the lens of Christ’s death and resurrection. By combining psychological support with theological hope, the journey through grief can become not just a passage through sorrow, but also a path toward deeper love, connection, and peace. The Complexity of Grief: Not a Straight Line One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence. Many of us are familiar with the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are helpful in recognizing the emotions involved in loss, but they’re not a strict roadmap. Real grief is messy (see our blog article here ). It doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days, you might feel like you’ve made peace with the loss; on others, a small memory can unravel you unexpectedly. Therapists understand this complexity. In therapy, you’re given a space to express the full range of your emotions without judgment. That in itself can be healing—being able to cry, vent, or sit silently and just be seen. Many therapists use grief specific approaches to help people understand the depth of their emotions and develop tools to cope. These approaches focus not only on processing the pain but also on exploring the significance of the relationship that was lost and the meaning that can still be drawn from it. For some, however, grief becomes more than sorrow. It becomes stuck. This form of suffering, often referred to as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder (PGD), involves intense, long-lasting emotions that disrupt daily life and relationships. These symptoms can include persistent yearning, preoccupation with the loss, emotional numbness, or an inability to experience joy. When grief lingers and paralyzes rather than gradually integrates into life, therapy becomes not just helpful—it becomes essential. In these more complex cases, the goal is to help individuals accept the reality of their loss while reengaging with life in meaningful ways. It’s not about forgetting or moving on. It’s about learning to carry grief differently—to make space for both sorrow and hope. A Catholic Lens on Death, Loss, and What Comes After While therapy addresses the psychological and emotional dimensions of grief, Catholic theology speaks to the spiritual side of the experience. Our faith doesn’t deny the sorrow of death. It fully acknowledges the pain of separation, the weight of absence. But it also insists—gently but firmly—that death is not the final word. At the heart of our faith is the resurrection of Christ. This central truth shapes how Catholics understand death—not as an end, but as a passage to new life. In the Gospel of John, Jesus offers the words that echo across centuries: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25–26). These words are not a dismissal of grief; they are an anchor in the storm of sorrow, a promise that love is stronger than death. This belief is not just abstract theology. It’s woven into the very rituals that surround death. Catholic funeral rites, including the Vigil, the Funeral Mass, and the Rite of Committal, are structured to help mourners grieve, pray, and hope. The Mass of Christian Burial is both a farewell and a celebration. It entrusts the soul of the deceased to God’s mercy while comforting those left behind with prayers, Scripture, and the Eucharist—a visible sign of Christ’s victory over death. We also draw comfort from the communion of saints—the belief that the faithful, living and deceased, remain united in Christ. This sense of connection helps many people feel that their loved ones are not lost to them, but remain close in spirit, interceding and awaiting reunion in eternal life. It transforms the relationship, but it does not sever it. According to The Catholic Free Press, prayer during and after the funeral, the support of the faith community, and the hope of resurrection all contribute to easing the sting of grief. This hope doesn’t erase the sadness, but it surrounds it with meaning. Finding Healing in the Integration of Therapy and Faith What’s truly powerful is the way that therapy and faith can work together in times of loss. You don’t have to choose between the two. In fact, integrating both can offer the most comprehensive support. Therapy provides the space to wrestle with painful emotions, while faith gives language to mystery, sorrow, and redemption. Some therapists incorporate a client’s spiritual beliefs directly into the therapeutic process. A Catholic might be invited to reflect on Scripture, to write a letter to their loved one as a form of prayer, or to explore the concept of redemptive suffering—that even in our pain, we are united with Christ. These spiritual practices can offer comfort and a sense of sacredness during a time that might otherwise feel chaotic and empty. Faith can also inspire action in grief. Many people find healing in honoring their loved one through acts of love and service—volunteering, creating something meaningful, or simply continuing traditions that keep memories alive. These acts don’t make the grief go away, but they help reframe it as something that can shape your life with beauty and purpose. Community plays a vital role here too. Being part of a parish, attending grief support groups, or simply leaning on trusted friends in faith can make an incredible difference. Shared prayer, communal rituals, and simply being around others who “get it” can bring relief that is both emotional and spiritual. Moving Through Grief Toward New Life It’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Love doesn’t end when someone dies. It changes form. Grief is a sign of love, and love, in the Catholic tradition, is eternal. This perspective is beautifully echoed in the words of St. Augustine: “If you knew the gift of God and what heaven is... wipe away your tears and weep no more if you love me” ( Our Sunday Visitor ). These aren’t instructions to suppress sorrow, but reminders that death is not the end of the story. When we allow ourselves to grieve fully, supported by therapy and guided by faith, we begin to see how grief itself can be transformed. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes lighter, more manageable. It makes room for joy again, for connection, and for a deeper appreciation of the people still present in our lives. In time, those who grieve may find themselves living not in spite of loss, but in honor of it—carrying forward the love they received, guided by the hope of eternal reunion, and strengthened by the compassionate tools of therapy and the enduring promises of their faith. Final Reflection Grief will never be easy, but it can be holy. It can be a time of brokenness and also of deep transformation. With the help of compassionate therapists and the enduring light of Catholic hope, it is possible to find meaning, peace, and even renewal in the shadow of loss. You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it’s sitting with a therapist, lighting a candle at Mass, whispering a prayer through tears, or simply reaching out to someone who understands—every small step matters. Together, therapy and Catholic theology remind us that grief is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a testament to love. And love, in the end, is what endures. Healing begins with connection—and taking the first step can be the hardest part. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or simply curious about how therapy could help, we invite you to connect with us at Holy Family Counseling Center. Our team is here to listen, support, and walk alongside you with care and intention. Send us a message or give us a call—we’re ready when you are.
July 10, 2025
Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting The Way Retreat with Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC