When and How to Make Amends: Discernment, Boundaries, and the Catholic Call to Healing

Peter Attridge, PhD

As a Catholic therapist, I often sit with clients who are wrestling with a deeply human question: When is it the right time to make amends? Whether it’s reaching out to someone who has hurt them, or considering their own responsibility in a fractured relationship, the process of healing often leads us into the tender territory of reconciliation.


But forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same thing. Forgiveness is something we’re called to offer freely—an act of the will that releases resentment and gives us peace, even when the other person hasn’t apologized. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is a step that involves two people. And discerning when—or even if—that step should be taken requires wisdom, prayer, and often, boundaries.


Let’s explore how we can approach this process with care and courage, supported by both therapeutic tools and the richness of our Catholic faith.



Discerning the Right Time to Make Amends


Discernment is a familiar concept in Catholic life. We use it to seek God's will in big decisions—vocations, careers, relationships. But it’s just as important in the smaller, more personal moments too, like choosing when to reach out to someone who has hurt us, or someone we may have hurt.


Therapy can be a valuable space for this kind of discernment. Sometimes the desire to make amends comes from a sincere place of healing and readiness. Other times, it may be driven by guilt, pressure, or a longing for closure that the other person may not be able to give. In our sessions, I often help clients explore their motivations. Are you seeking peace, or permission? Healing, or validation?


Discernment is about honesty—with yourself, with God, and with your emotional limits. St. Ignatius of Loyola offers a helpful framework for discernment rooted in prayerful reflection, noticing the movements of the heart. If the thought of reconciliation brings a sense of peace, courage, and compassion, it may be time. If it stirs anxiety, dread, or a sense of obligation, it may be wise to wait, or to approach things differently.



The Role of Boundaries in Forgiveness and Healing


One of the most common misconceptions I hear, especially among people of faith, is that setting boundaries is somehow un-Christian. But in truth, boundaries are acts of love—toward ourselves and others. They help define what is safe, respectful, and life-giving in a relationship.


Forgiveness does not mean allowing someone to continue harming us. Christ calls us to forgive, yes, even “seventy times seven” times (Matthew 18:22), but He does not call us to abandon prudence or endure abuse. Remember, even Jesus withdrew from hostile crowds at times (John 10:39), and He taught that reconciliation involves both repentance and change (Luke 17:3-4).


In therapy, we often work on developing “healthy boundaries” that allow us to engage with others from a place of strength and safety. For example, it’s okay to forgive a parent for past wounds without allowing them to manipulate your present life. It’s okay to love a sibling from a distance if closeness continues to result in harm. And it’s okay to hope for reconciliation without forcing it to happen.


Boundaries are not walls; they are gates. They give us the freedom to let people in—but only when it is healthy and appropriate to do so.


Making Amends with Compassion and Clarity


If and when the time does come to make amends, whether as the person extending forgiveness or the one asking for it, approaching the conversation with humility and clarity is essential. We can take inspiration from the Sacrament of Reconciliation, where the process of confession involves examining our conscience, naming our sins, expressing true contrition, and receiving both forgiveness and guidance.


Similarly, when making amends in our personal lives, we begin by acknowledging what happened—not defensively, but honestly. We share how the situation has affected us. We listen. We don’t demand immediate restoration, but we open the door to it.


And sometimes, we might take that step and find that the other person isn’t ready. Or they respond with defensiveness, denial, or more harm. That’s when we return to our boundaries. Forgiveness is still possible, but reconciliation may need to remain a hope rather than a present reality.


Spiritual Guidance Along the Way


Throughout this process, our faith can be an anchor. Prayer becomes a conversation with the God who knows every wound and walks with us through every step of healing. The saints offer examples of both radical forgiveness and wise discernment. St. Monica, for instance, teaches us about perseverance in love and prayer without enabling harmful behavior. St. Maria Goretti’s story is often cited for her forgiveness, but we also remember her clarity in saying no to harm.


And of course, the Sacraments nourish us. Receiving the Eucharist strengthens us to love like Christ. Confession helps us experience God’s mercy, so we can extend it more freely to others. Spiritual direction can also be helpful when navigating complex relationships and emotional burdens through a faith-based lens.


Trusting the Slow Work of Healing


Making amends and setting boundaries aren’t one-time decisions. They are part of an ongoing, unfolding process of healing. We may feel ready one day and hesitant the next. That’s okay. Forgiveness is not linear, and relationships—especially broken ones—rarely heal overnight.


But I’ve seen firsthand the beauty that emerges when people engage in this work with courage. When they honor both their pain and their desire for peace. When they protect their hearts with boundaries, but still remain open to love. And when they trust that, even if reconciliation is not possible now, it may one day be—with God’s grace.


In Conclusion


If you’re in the midst of wrestling with whether to make amends, take heart. It’s not an easy decision, and it doesn’t have to be rushed. Therapy can offer tools and support. Your faith can offer wisdom and hope. And both can help you move forward with peace.


Forgiveness will always be a part of the journey. But reconciliation? That’s something we discern, with prayer and prudence. And no matter where you land—whether you reach out, stay silent, or hold space from afar—you are not alone in the journey.


If you haven’t yet read Part One   of this series, I encourage you to explore the foundations of forgiveness and healing in both therapy and Catholic tradition. That post dives into the inner process of releasing pain and embracing God’s mercy—a powerful first step before considering reconciliation.


May you be filled with gentleness, wisdom, and the peace that comes from the One who forgave us first.


Forgiveness can feel impossible at times—but it’s also one of the most healing gifts we can give ourselves. If you're carrying the weight of resentment or hurt and feel ready to explore a path toward release and peace, therapy can help. At Holy Family Counseling Center, we create a safe space to process the past, understand your emotions, and move forward with intention. Connect with us when you're ready—we’re here to walk that path with you.

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

By Peter Attridge, PhD • October 27, 2025
Forgiveness & Healing: Therapy and Catholic Perspectives on Reconciliation

Your Thoughts Lead the Way

By Irene Rowland, MS, LPC • September 16, 2025
We often have more control than we realize. I’m going to lead you through an exercise in order to illustrate this point. Visualize a tree with deep roots and a strong trunk leading up into beautiful branches and leaves. Oftentimes, we retain concepts better if we can see it mapped out. To that end, let’s do a little art therapy together and when you have completed your masterpiece, you can put it on your refrigerator or somewhere that you’ll notice it often: First draw a tree trunk with the roots showing. Under half of the roots write the word FEAR in dark, shaky, ominous looking letters. Under the other half of the roots write LOVE in happy looking handwriting (maybe pretty cursive if you dare). Vertically up the tree trunk write “thoughts/beliefs”. Now it’s time to add lots of branches, twigs, and leaves. Among these branches, add the wording “actions/behaviors” throughout the branches. If you are looking for extra credit, add a variety of nice healthy looking fruit and some rotting fruit with flies. Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” In most circumstances, at the root of our thoughts is either fear or love. These thoughts then drive our actions and behaviors. Sometimes we are coming from a solid, healthy place and other times from a shaky, fear based place. This is worth looking at in order to grow more and more into the emotionally healthy individual we have the potential to become. All fear based thinking is not detrimental obviously. God created us with healthy fight or flight instincts for when we are in actual danger. This is of course a good thing. For purposes of learning how to live a more emotionally balanced life, we’re looking at thoughts that come from an unhealthy fear which could potentially drive behaviors and actions that don’t serve us well. Thoughts Drive Behavior There are ten top cognitive distortions. Let’s break this down a little. Cognitive means having to do with the brain. Distortions are things that are twisted, so basically cognitive distortions are twisted, unhealthy or irrational thoughts. We have more control over our lives if we operate from a place of clear, healthy, rational thoughts. Everyone experiences some of these types of thoughts so it’s good to know that it’s “normal”. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters. Do we buy into the lie that we’ve told ourselves or do we remind ourselves of the truth? If you tracked these negative thoughts throughout the week, it would be surprising to see how often this happens. Let’s look at the top 10 cognitive distortions. They’re not in any particular order but we each have a pattern of our “favorites” that we default to when we engage in what some call “stinking thinking”. All or Nothing Thinking - also known as black and white thinking. Usually things in life aren’t 100% one way or the other and the truth is somewhere in between in the gray area. Words such as never and always fall into this category. The words usually, often and sometimes are probably more truthful in most circumstances. Overgeneralizing - an example would be seeing an event as a never-ending pattern. A student with good grades being concerned that they’re going to flunk a course because of one failing quiz grade is a good example of this. Mental Filter - dwelling on the negatives and ignoring the positives. When this happens, the mind dwells on the glass being half empty. This is not only discouraging for the person who chooses to live this way, but also makes it difficult for others to be around them often. Discounting Positives - an example is not giving any credit for that which is good in a person and only paying attention to what needs improvement. Jumping to Conclusions- the thoughts don’t always match the facts. There are subsets of this type of distorted thinking. One is Mind Reading when we assume we know what the other person is thinking for instance. This is a common relationship issue. We need to state what we have to say instead of believing the other person already knows. Fortune Telling also is a way that we oftentimes falsely decide that we know how something is going to happen. We all know those who have had something negative happen in the morning and then decide that this is going to be a bad day. Their negative thinking is usually what propels the rest of the day to be less than desirable. Their self-fulfilling prophesy informs how they choose to handle the rest of the day. Magnification and Minimization - making things larger or smaller than they actually are. We’ve all seen a mountain made out of a molehill or something huge being discounted as being trivial. Emotional Reasoning - letting feelings be regarded as truth such as I feel unworthy therefore I am. Should Statements - when we use should/should not, must, have to or similar language about ourselves or others, we are self-bullying or other bullying. An example would be if a person thought that as a good parent they have to read a bedtime story every night to their child. The truth is that as a good parent, they get to/are happy to read a story nightly but they could still be a good parent without imposing this on themselves. A parent with a migraine could let their child know that they’re not feeling well and will read two stories the next night and still fulfill their idea of being a good parent. Labeling -calling oneself a loser for instance because you made mistakes, instead of stating the truth that you made a mistake. Self-Blame and Other-Blame -taking on blame that isn’t rightfully all yours or blaming others when the fault lies partially with you also. All of these unhealthy ways of thinking can cause us to have inappropriate responses to life’s situations. When we have a negative thought, we need to slow down and ask ourselves if it’s legitimately true or have we exaggerated or added incorrect meaning to a situation. When we operate from a place of truth, our behaviors are going to be more sane, more productive, life-giving and fruitful. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, practice paying attention to your thoughts. If they are true, operate from that place for the best outcomes. If the thoughts are not truthful and therefore won’t serve you well, it’s time to regroup and remind yourself of what the actual truth is. It’s ok to have your initial thought be an unlovely, negative thought that’s untrue. What matters is what you do with it. Hopefully your response is to turn it around into the truth and proceed from there. Looking for cognitive distortions can be like a treasure hunt. Your response of countering with the truth is pure gold. If this exercise resonated with you, try repeating the “Thought Tree” once a day for a week and notice one cognitive distortion you catch—then practice swapping it for a truer, kinder thought. If you'd like help applying these tools in therapy, please contact contact us at 678-993-8494 or visit Holy Family Counseling Center . If you ever feel overwhelmed or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact local emergency services or the 988 Lifeline immediately. Small shifts in how we think add up—you're not alone on this path to greater emotional health.

Strengthening Marriages: Therapy and the Catholic Vision of Sacramental Love

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.