Good Shepherd Newsletter 8

Staff

Competency 8: When the Runner Stumbles

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us.” —Heb 12:1


When I think of poetry in motion, I think of Olympic hurdlers running their race, truly the beauty of form in motion. It is not surprising that one of St. Paul’s favorite analogies is that of a runner running the race so well as to cross the fi nish line of union with Christ Jesus. Calling that image to mind I have asked myself the question: But what if the runner stumbles?


With good reason we place a good deal of importance on achieving excellence and success. Yet while striving for success we may unintentionally neglect to prepare ourselves, or even to teach others, how to recover well from our mistakes. Recognizing that how we rebound, correct, and recover from our mistakes and failures is of crucial importance, we dedicated this issue to insights into understanding our mistakes and how to recover from them. It could also be analogous to stumbling into or because of sin and how we enter into the process of reparation and reconciliation.


A. The Four Types of Mistakes.

In an article about mistakes, Eduardo Briceño of Mindset Works, notes four types of mistakes, that while varying in intentionality, all have the potential of giving us an opportunity to learn from them. His insights remind me of a meme I once saw that said: “I don’t lose; I learn.”


The first type of mistakes he proposes are called “Stretch Mistakes”. These happen when we’re working to learn something new and expand our current capabilities. These are positive mistakes and there are many reasons to want to make them because they imply essential growth. Here, we’re not trying so much as to do something incorrectly, but rather trying to do something that is not a part of our current experience or skill set, so we’re bound to make some errors as we learn. Perhaps we’ve been assigned to a parish with numerous facility issues and do not understand electricity as much as we would like, leading to additional damage. It is fair to say that Stretch Mistakes can be positive; if we never made them, it would mean that we would never truly be challenged to learn new knowledge or skills. Think of the first time you decided to paint a room yourself and were faced with the challenge of painting nice crisp edges. No doubt your later attempts were better than your first.


Next for consideration are "Aha-moment Mistakes"; they too are positive mistakes. However, they are more challenging to strive or plan for because they happen when we achieve what we intended to do but later realize that it was a mistake because of some knowledge or nuance we lacked which has now become apparent. They could be a matter of having made false assumptions or misreading data. Once the epiphany of the mistake becomes apparent and the light comes on in our minds, we can go back and correct the error. Consider how we came to learn that not all size 9 ½ shoes fit the same way.


A third type of mistake could simply be called “Sloppy Mistakes”. These happen when we complete well rehearsed and well-known activities that end in error due to distraction. These are opportunities to enhance or reexamine our focus, process, environment, or habits. Sometimes Sloppy Mistakes can become Aha-moment Mistakes. For example, I become frustrated with myself for struggling to stay awake during afternoon meetings only to realize that I simply need to get at least seven to eight hours of sleep.


The last type of mistake we invite for consideration are "High-stakes Mistakes". These are those types of errors we most want to avoid because they can be detrimental or even catastrophic. Here we want to put processes in place to minimize these types of mistakes. Think of how an Easter Vigil Mass could be ruined if we failed to adequately coordinate the preparation of the paschal fire.


To be clear, not all mistakes are created equal, and they are not always desirable. In addition, learning from mistakes is not all automatic. In order to recover from them appropriately, we need to reflect on our errors and learn from them. If we’re more precise in our own understanding of our mistakes and in our communication with others, it will increase mutual understanding, a sense of team buy-in to goals, and efficacy for both leaders and those in our charge to lead.


B. Hiding Mistakes and Shame

God has revealed through His sacred scripture that He created man in His own image and likeness (Gn 1:27); that image and likeness was eventually revealed as Love itself, specifically as agape (1Jn 4:8). Man is then inherently ordered towards the cultivation, reception, and manifestation of agape, the total gift of self-type of love. However, shame is the direct antagonist of this ability to give of self: shame isolates, alienates, and degrades the person it envelopes. Whereas Love calls for communion, validation, and remembrance of one’s identity as a son or daughter of God. Shame leads an individual into perpetuating cycles that keep them prisoner to their own fears and the coping mechanisms they use to handle those fears. On the other hand, love leads an individual into vulnerability, where he can be freed of those burdens, of limitations and shortcomings, through his entrustment of these burdens to another trusted person. This trusted person is then able to validate, support, and recall that for which the individual was made.


I want to be clear that the shame discussed in this article is psychological shame, differing from the theological/existential shame described in St. John Paul II’s sermons on Theology of Body. The shame described by St. John Paul II, is ordered for man (specially Adam and Eve) to reflect upon that which he lost, the ability to have an unadulterated, self-gifted relationship with God. Rather, psychological shame is rooted in the belief that due to one’s limitations/ failures/ sins, which are all forms of a mistake, that he has inherently disqualified himself from the need to have connection, love, and belonging (Brown, Rene 2015). This mentality keeps the individual from seeing that though he has not acted in accordance with the image for which he was made, that he has not destroyed that inherent image and its orientation towards love and connection.


An example of this perpetuating self-destruction that shame can have on the person can be seen in the personal struggles that individuals can have around pornography. The person watching pornography gets an immediate release of endorphins that aid in the person calming or regulating himself when he is bored, anxious, stressed, lonely, or rejected. Though there is an immediate relief, this relief is typically short-lived, and is followed by self-shaming thoughts and attitudes about what the person did. Thoughts such as “I am a horrible person for having done this; I will never be capable of real love; I will never be able to live without it.” The danger of shame is that it primes the individual for despair: I am incapable of ever being able to love/ being saved due to my sin. These thoughts lead to the formulation of implicit excuses (I can watch this though it may contain nudity) or explicit excuses (what does it matter/ I had a hard day, I deserve this) to watch pornography at the next critical moment. These thoughts start the cycle over again and if left unattended, this can develop to a point where the person creates a feedback loop; that in order to cope with the shame he created, the only resource he has is the pornography that caused it in the first place.


There is an important distinction to be made between the concepts of guilt and shame. As mentioned above, shame is a negative judgment statement about one’s intrinsic value, being seen as an object/subject disconnected from love and belonging. Guilt, however, focuses on the behavior being inappropriate or unhelpful. This is not an identification of how wretched a person is due to the behaviors taken. Using the example from above, guilt would translate to a thought such as, “looking at pornography is not how God created me to express my sexuality, I should look for better ways to cope.” In sum, guilt means what we did was bad, and shame means who we are is bad.


There are three factors that optimize the environmental conditions for the cultivation of shame, they are: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Secrecy is tied to the idea that “if someone were to discover what happened, I would be seen as unlovable.” Silence promotes the idea that “I am the only one who has struggled with this situation, I must be utterly forgiven to what it means to be human.” Judgment is connected to the fear that “what I experienced would result in my personhood being attacked (physically or emotionally).” All three of these elements inhibit one’s ability to trust in others and God.


C. Recovering from Mistakes

Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying, “Experience is the name we give to our mistakes.” In the midst of a mistake, it is never easy to admit where we went wrong or that we can recover and learn from it. While everyone recovers from mistakes in different ways, there are four steps that are agreed to be necessary to learn from our mistakes:


1. Acknowledge the mistake.

2. Apologize and try to fix it.

3. Accept that there will be consequences.

4. Reflect on the situation and know you are not alone.


A practical application of the remedies would be to find good people with whom you can be accountable in both professional and personal areas of your life. An accountable person would need to be someone who could offer support and encouragement to you as you journey through life. They also can rejoice with you in the triumphs you fulfill, as well as be a refuge in a time of struggle. This will look different from one accountable person to another depending on what area of one’s life he is being attentive. In a professional setting for priests and deacons, it could be good to have another colleague or priest who you look up to, who can offer guidance on how to approach difficult situations that arise. In your personal life, having a friend that you can share your more personal struggles with (either of sin or emotions) can be a huge blessing, and a tool for disarming shame.


The good news is that there are remedies that help promote a healthier sense of looking at yourself and the world. The first is to talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. This even has links to the Bible when our Lord taught “Love your neighbor, as yourself” (Mk 12:31). If you find this is not an easy task to do, a good place to start is to reflect on a person you love, and then ask yourself how you would approach him if he shared with you that he had your same struggles. The second remedy is to reach out to someone you trust. It is not wise to just share one’s intimate struggles with just anyone, it needs to be with an individual who can hold your struggle while recalling to mind that for which you are made. The devil wants to keep people isolated because it is easier to sow doubt about who we are when we do not have anyone who can reaffirm our identity as a son of God, especially when we may not act like sons of God. The last remedy ties in with the second which is to tell your story. Sharing your struggle with trusted individuals can be one of the greatest blessings and experiences of God’s mercy. It helps remove the burden of this struggle off just yourself, and now you find that a friend or close colleague is yoke beside you as you try to make sense of that story. True connection and vulnerability are the antidote to shame.


In conjunction with what was discussed above in regard to the 4 mistakes a person can make, here are some practical tips to handle each situation. In situations where one is attempting to grow in an area he is not familiar with, like in case of stretch mistakes, it can be beneficial to share with a more experienced person, who could offer reflections on areas that an individual may not be able to see. For example: reaching out to a professional building project manager, when attempting to begin a renovation project at the parish. When someone experiences an Ahamoment, it can be hard to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. Sharing these mistakes and the knowledge learned is vital for displacing shame, as well as the listener who hears the mistake as they can grow in knowledge as well. For example: A priest or deacon uses a homily resource that resonates with him but learned that no one in the congregation was able to connect or follow the resource. Scenarios where an individual is making sloppy mistakes (actions he should know how to do correctly but fails) are important to be acknowledged and reflected on, as they provide insight into areas of one’s life that need reviewing, such as one’s health, rejuvenation, and boundaries around work. For example: a priest who is attentive to his flock, but has not had a time to rest in several days after attending to several night calls in a row, leads the priest to struggle to be focused in the meetings and forgets important information that was discussed, rather than admit his limitation to another member on staff, and request either a short follow-up summary of the meeting later while he rests or rescheduling the meeting for a future date. High mistakes are the most important to disclose because these typically have the strongest pull to shame, but they are also the most difficult to disclose. The first important thing is to disclose what happened to proper entities and people where appropriate. Whether that be to the boss or supervisor/ counselor. It is important to explore what happened with trusted individuals who can help remind you of God’s mercy and the importance to continue fighting after what it means to love. Ex. I drank too much at a church party and kissed one of the guests later in the night. Though it may be difficult and the consequences hard to face, telling this to a trusted individual and reporting it to a supervisor is an important step in countering the shame and despair that can follow such an event. If there is not a clear protocol on how to handle high mistakes in your diocese, I encourage you to reach out to your deanery and/or bishop to seek consultation on how to navigate such situations when they arise, either for oneself or for a fellow clergyman.


It is important to disclose one’s mistakes to other trusted and appropriate individuals, because it allows one to break the power that these events have over his life. As Christ said, He has come to set the captive free (Is 61), and it is truth that does so (Jn 8:32). This truth is that all people are meant and oriented for the communion, belonging, and intimacy with God and one another. His commandments guide us to know and understand what this loving relationship ought to look like. However, our failure to live these commandments out does not automatically execrate this indelible orientation of the heart for love. Though, that person does possess the power to deny and refuse to recognize this truth, and even live a life contrary to this orientation. Nonetheless, a person will always be meant for connection, belonging, and love. These longings of the human heart are integral to fighting off shame, as they have us reach for someone who can remind us of that in the midst of whatever mistakes we may find ourselves, we are His son whom He loves and for whom He has freely given His life. 

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.
By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT August 15, 2025
Grief & Hope: Therapy and Catholic Teachings on Loss and Eternal Life Grief is something that touches all of us eventually. It may arrive suddenly with the death of a loved one, linger quietly through the end of a relationship, or follow the quiet disappointment of a long-held dream falling apart. Whatever the cause, the pain of loss often arrives uninvited and stays longer than we expect. It can leave us feeling like the ground beneath our feet has shifted, upending our sense of security, meaning, and identity. In these moments, therapy offers a way to make sense of the pain, to find meaning in suffering, and — slowly but surely — to begin healing. For people of faith, particularly within the Catholic tradition, grief is not something to be merely endured. It’s something that can be transformed through the lens of Christ’s death and resurrection. By combining psychological support with theological hope, the journey through grief can become not just a passage through sorrow, but also a path toward deeper love, connection, and peace. The Complexity of Grief: Not a Straight Line One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence. Many of us are familiar with the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are helpful in recognizing the emotions involved in loss, but they’re not a strict roadmap. Real grief is messy (see our blog article here ). It doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days, you might feel like you’ve made peace with the loss; on others, a small memory can unravel you unexpectedly. Therapists understand this complexity. In therapy, you’re given a space to express the full range of your emotions without judgment. That in itself can be healing—being able to cry, vent, or sit silently and just be seen. Many therapists use grief specific approaches to help people understand the depth of their emotions and develop tools to cope. These approaches focus not only on processing the pain but also on exploring the significance of the relationship that was lost and the meaning that can still be drawn from it. For some, however, grief becomes more than sorrow. It becomes stuck. This form of suffering, often referred to as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder (PGD), involves intense, long-lasting emotions that disrupt daily life and relationships. These symptoms can include persistent yearning, preoccupation with the loss, emotional numbness, or an inability to experience joy. When grief lingers and paralyzes rather than gradually integrates into life, therapy becomes not just helpful—it becomes essential. In these more complex cases, the goal is to help individuals accept the reality of their loss while reengaging with life in meaningful ways. It’s not about forgetting or moving on. It’s about learning to carry grief differently—to make space for both sorrow and hope. A Catholic Lens on Death, Loss, and What Comes After While therapy addresses the psychological and emotional dimensions of grief, Catholic theology speaks to the spiritual side of the experience. Our faith doesn’t deny the sorrow of death. It fully acknowledges the pain of separation, the weight of absence. But it also insists—gently but firmly—that death is not the final word. At the heart of our faith is the resurrection of Christ. This central truth shapes how Catholics understand death—not as an end, but as a passage to new life. In the Gospel of John, Jesus offers the words that echo across centuries: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25–26). These words are not a dismissal of grief; they are an anchor in the storm of sorrow, a promise that love is stronger than death. This belief is not just abstract theology. It’s woven into the very rituals that surround death. Catholic funeral rites, including the Vigil, the Funeral Mass, and the Rite of Committal, are structured to help mourners grieve, pray, and hope. The Mass of Christian Burial is both a farewell and a celebration. It entrusts the soul of the deceased to God’s mercy while comforting those left behind with prayers, Scripture, and the Eucharist—a visible sign of Christ’s victory over death. We also draw comfort from the communion of saints—the belief that the faithful, living and deceased, remain united in Christ. This sense of connection helps many people feel that their loved ones are not lost to them, but remain close in spirit, interceding and awaiting reunion in eternal life. It transforms the relationship, but it does not sever it. According to The Catholic Free Press, prayer during and after the funeral, the support of the faith community, and the hope of resurrection all contribute to easing the sting of grief. This hope doesn’t erase the sadness, but it surrounds it with meaning. Finding Healing in the Integration of Therapy and Faith What’s truly powerful is the way that therapy and faith can work together in times of loss. You don’t have to choose between the two. In fact, integrating both can offer the most comprehensive support. Therapy provides the space to wrestle with painful emotions, while faith gives language to mystery, sorrow, and redemption. Some therapists incorporate a client’s spiritual beliefs directly into the therapeutic process. A Catholic might be invited to reflect on Scripture, to write a letter to their loved one as a form of prayer, or to explore the concept of redemptive suffering—that even in our pain, we are united with Christ. These spiritual practices can offer comfort and a sense of sacredness during a time that might otherwise feel chaotic and empty. Faith can also inspire action in grief. Many people find healing in honoring their loved one through acts of love and service—volunteering, creating something meaningful, or simply continuing traditions that keep memories alive. These acts don’t make the grief go away, but they help reframe it as something that can shape your life with beauty and purpose. Community plays a vital role here too. Being part of a parish, attending grief support groups, or simply leaning on trusted friends in faith can make an incredible difference. Shared prayer, communal rituals, and simply being around others who “get it” can bring relief that is both emotional and spiritual. Moving Through Grief Toward New Life It’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Love doesn’t end when someone dies. It changes form. Grief is a sign of love, and love, in the Catholic tradition, is eternal. This perspective is beautifully echoed in the words of St. Augustine: “If you knew the gift of God and what heaven is... wipe away your tears and weep no more if you love me” ( Our Sunday Visitor ). These aren’t instructions to suppress sorrow, but reminders that death is not the end of the story. When we allow ourselves to grieve fully, supported by therapy and guided by faith, we begin to see how grief itself can be transformed. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes lighter, more manageable. It makes room for joy again, for connection, and for a deeper appreciation of the people still present in our lives. In time, those who grieve may find themselves living not in spite of loss, but in honor of it—carrying forward the love they received, guided by the hope of eternal reunion, and strengthened by the compassionate tools of therapy and the enduring promises of their faith. Final Reflection Grief will never be easy, but it can be holy. It can be a time of brokenness and also of deep transformation. With the help of compassionate therapists and the enduring light of Catholic hope, it is possible to find meaning, peace, and even renewal in the shadow of loss. You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it’s sitting with a therapist, lighting a candle at Mass, whispering a prayer through tears, or simply reaching out to someone who understands—every small step matters. Together, therapy and Catholic theology remind us that grief is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a testament to love. And love, in the end, is what endures. Healing begins with connection—and taking the first step can be the hardest part. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or simply curious about how therapy could help, we invite you to connect with us at Holy Family Counseling Center. Our team is here to listen, support, and walk alongside you with care and intention. Send us a message or give us a call—we’re ready when you are.
July 10, 2025
Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting The Way Retreat with Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC