Good Shepherd Newsletter 10

Staff

Competency 10: Having Presence in the Present

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~James Thurber


Do you ever look at someone’s feet when you are in conversation with them? Body language experts will tell you that if a person’s feet are oriented away from the person they are conversing with, they want to be gone from the conversation. If their eyes are fl itting towards exits, the same can be said. Have you ever noticed this? Have you ever done this, given subtle hints that you’d rather be somewhere else? Priestly vocation requires presence in the moment. The need for situational awareness and the ability to be still, even when we do not want to be, is a skill that can be developed.


The first step is remembering that Christ is always present for us. The True Presence is a foundation of our Catholic faith. May it also be a blueprint that we learn to live in our daily lives. To be truly present with those around us. This does not mean we need to give of ourselves to no end, rather we should develop and maintain boundaries to protect ourselves. Th is will allow us moments of communication and relationship where we relish the act of being present with ourselves, and with others.


A. Freedom is Where We Are

We have probably all had the experience of seeing a person walking up to us and we know what the conversation is going to be like. Sometimes that conversation will be exciting, other times it will be one we fi nd extremely boring. When we allow ourselves to be drawn in by the negatives, we lose our footing in the present. Reminding ourselves before a conversation to be present can allow us to handle the conversation more readily. This means acknowledging that we may not want to be here in the moment, and creating space to allow the conversation to occur, while also understanding that there can be a time limit where we are able to be present.


How do we set these boundaries? Multi-tasking gets a lot of headlines these days. The more things we are able to do at once, the better. Listening to a podcast while you jog, answering emails while on a conference call, eating dinner and binge watching a show, all are common occurrences for many of us. Multi-tasking has advantages and cannot be completely eliminated from our daily lives. However, the intent with which we multi-task can be explored. Research shows that when we multitask we focus less, regulate our emotions less, and forget important pieces of information. As a therapist I can freely admit that if I start multi-tasking in a session, usually by thinking about what I have to do next, I lose track of what a client is saying. I constantly remind myself that when I enter a session; I am going to be present with that person for the next hour and everything else goes by the wayside. My presence for that person is important and so I start monotasking. Monotasking is simply giving time to perform one task at a time. As I write this piece, I have set aside time to do just that. My goal to be present for this newsletter is where I am right now. I set aside this time, I reduced my distractions, and I am present, and therefore free, to complete this task.


A second way to be more present in our daily lives is to practice gratitude. Set aside a few minutes a day to contemplate the things you are grateful for. Did your football team win this weekend? Did an event get canceled and you had time to relax? Make a great shot in golf? The practice of gratitude is to pay attention to the little things as well as the big things. The more we practice gratitude the more we train ourselves to look for the positives in our daily lives. Finding gratitude in conversations with others, completing expense reports, sitting through meetings all become a little more positive when we have the intent to be grateful.


The last suggestion is to remember the difference between empathy and sympathy. This video by Brene Brown does an excellent job of breaking down the differences for us. Empathy is the ability to understand and share a person’s feelings, even if we are limited in our own experience of what they are going through. Sympathy is feeling pity or sorry for someone’s feelings; we feel bad for them without understanding what they are feeling. Sympathy is a more surface-level approach to dealing with a person or what they are bringing to you. Empathy forms a connection with an individual and requires us to access something in ourselves in order to connect with the other. To be more empathetic:

  1. Focus on what is being said, not what your response “should” be;
  2. Repeat in your own words what is being said;
  3. Be aware of your own emotions in the moment;
  4. Ask what the other person needs from you, don’t assume.

Practicing monotasking, gratitude, and empathy on a daily basis will assist you in being more present, feeling less stressed, and avoiding burnout. You will not get it perfect the first time out, so take the time to practice and become consistent.


B. Active Listening

A part of being a presence means being a reflection of Christ, who sought to call forth that which is good, true, and beautiful into the world, through both his action and his words. Active listening can be a good practice in which we are able to meet individuals where they are at. We can help them reflect on what is good, true, and beautiful in their life even as they struggle to uncover those transcendentals and reflect concerns constructively where we see their search might be hindered. There are three essential components to active listening: Body Language, Reflection, and Response.


1. Body Language is important in communicating your intentions and your presence to the one who is sharing their story with you. When trying to be attentive and focus on someone else’s story, there are four things to keep in mind.

  1. Make sure your body is oriented in the person’s direction, this helps show that your interest and your energy is focused on them.
  2. Have your eyes directed towards their face, this communicates that you are trying to be attentive to the person and the emotions that might be revealing themselves as he tells his story.
  3. Minimize obstructions. For example, if you are behind a desk, try to move to an area that is more open.
  4. An open posture also helps communicate your intention of being receptive.


Mastering positive body language can be helpful to communicate that intentional presence that you may wish to bring in situations where you would like to shine the love of Christ. However, caution is advised that body language, without the cultivation of empathy, will lead to disingenuousness, which can be picked up on when actions and words do not match intent. 


2. The art of reflecting is an essential feature of active listening, it is the demonstration of your attentiveness to the other person’s message. There are four aspects of a person’s message that you should keep in mind as you try to reflect back to the person that is trying to share with you: Perception, Reaction, Meaning, and Need. a.

  1. Perception deals with the context in which the person is speaking and what triggered the initial move for the person to reach out.
  2. Reaction deals with how the person responded to that situation, his emotions, what his body did in that moment, how he plans to respond, and who he has reached out to already.
  3. Meaning involves reflecting the beliefs that the person has shared, and in some cases discerning and reflecting beliefs that might not be apparent to the person.
  4. Need is trying to pinpoint the specific vulnerability that the person is facing and fleshing out what he needs in response to that vulnerability, in order to feel the love of Christ or others.


An Important note to keep in mind when reflecting what you hear the other person share, is to put the reflection in an open framework. “It seems to me”, “it sounds to me”, “what I heard”, “would you clarify”, etc.. This allows the person to feel that he has power to clarify any misinterpretations you may have had. Additionally, it gives the person the sense that you care to make sure you are understanding his story and situation correctly.


As you navigate conversations, if you are having a hard time identifying the other’s perception, reactions, meaning, or need, do not be afraid to ask the person to help you follow him and ask: PERCEPTION– “Help me understand what happened”, “what did you see?”, “what did you hear?”; REACTION– “I am trying to follow you”, “what happened for you when you (restate the trigger or context)?”; MEANING—“How did that feel?”, “what did you tell yourself at that moment?”, “what went through your mind?”; NEED–“So after hearing that you experienced this, what do you need from me?”


3. The last component of active listening is the Response, in which you offer feedback, reflect your opinion, and give an invitation to explore more and consider your concerns. One way, in the Response, you can continue to facilitate a sense of Christ’s presence is validating the person’s experience, while stating your perspective, and finally asking for clarification on their position. A distinction to keep in mind is that validation is about acknowledging how the person experiences hardships and normalizing the struggle that he is facing. In contrast, affirming is the acknowledgement and approval of how a person acted in a particular experience. It is always important to validate the struggle, but you do not have to affirm the person’s behavior.


Please refer to the Good Shepherd newsletter 6 section C for other examples on how to practice active listening in the context of conflict resolution.


C. Refining Perspective

As Roman Catholic Christians we celebrate the Eucharist as both the real sacramental presence of Jesus Christ and as a personal call to bring His true Presence in us to all the world. The Eucharist is both reservation & action, Christ present among us and with us as individuals and, perhaps more critically, as a communal body. This perspective of ours acknowledges not only Christ present to us, but our being empowered to be His presence to each other in faith and others who have yet to come to faith. God’s grace in us accomplishes this by our being present to each other in the present moment.


In order to have the perspective to be present to others, we must first be present to ourselves. Setting appropriate boundaries around our work and personal lives allows us freedom within the framework of our responsibilities. Putting aside appropriate time for prayer, relaxation, community, and vocation are integral parts of remaining present. As much as our job is to imitate the life of our Savior, we must also be aware of our limitations. This includes acknowledging our shortcomings and making an effort to work with this knowledge that we are striving to be more like Christ in all things.


Being present to each other is blessedly analogous to the Real Eucharistic presence before Whom we place ourselves in attentive adoration. In a Byzantine sense, we are attentive to the mystery of God’s presence in the Eucharist that permeates all that exists…in Him we live and move and have our being. The invitation here is to use that attentiveness in awe and respect of each other. The call bids us to be present in every moment by being a listening presence that affirms and validates what we are privileged to hear from those we are privileged to serve. 

When and How to Make Amends: Discernment, Boundaries, and the Catholic Call to Healing

By Peter Attridge, PhD • November 11, 2025
As a Catholic therapist, I often sit with clients who are wrestling with a deeply human question: When is it the right time to make amends ? Whether it’s reaching out to someone who has hurt them, or considering their own responsibility in a fractured relationship, the process of healing often leads us into the tender territory of reconciliation. But forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same thing. Forgiveness is something we’re called to offer freely—an act of the will that releases resentment and gives us peace, even when the other person hasn’t apologized. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is a step that involves two people. And discerning when—or even if—that step should be taken requires wisdom, prayer, and often, boundaries. Let’s explore how we can approach this process with care and courage, supported by both therapeutic tools and the richness of our Catholic faith. Discerning the Right Time to Make Amends Discernment is a familiar concept in Catholic life. We use it to seek God's will in big decisions—vocations, careers, relationships. But it’s just as important in the smaller, more personal moments too, like choosing when to reach out to someone who has hurt us, or someone we may have hurt. Therapy can be a valuable space for this kind of discernment. Sometimes the desire to make amends comes from a sincere place of healing and readiness. Other times, it may be driven by guilt, pressure, or a longing for closure that the other person may not be able to give. In our sessions, I often help clients explore their motivations. Are you seeking peace, or permission? Healing, or validation? Discernment is about honesty—with yourself, with God, and with your emotional limits. St. Ignatius of Loyola offers a helpful framework for discernment rooted in prayerful reflection, noticing the movements of the heart. If the thought of reconciliation brings a sense of peace, courage, and compassion, it may be time. If it stirs anxiety, dread, or a sense of obligation, it may be wise to wait, or to approach things differently. The Role of Boundaries in Forgiveness and Healing One of the most common misconceptions I hear, especially among people of faith, is that setting boundaries is somehow un-Christian. But in truth, boundaries are acts of love —toward ourselves and others. They help define what is safe, respectful, and life-giving in a relationship. Forgiveness does not mean allowing someone to continue harming us. Christ calls us to forgive, yes, even “seventy times seven” times (Matthew 18:22), but He does not call us to abandon prudence or endure abuse. Remember, even Jesus withdrew from hostile crowds at times (John 10:39), and He taught that reconciliation involves both repentance and change (Luke 17:3-4). In therapy, we often work on developing “healthy boundaries” that allow us to engage with others from a place of strength and safety. For example, it’s okay to forgive a parent for past wounds without allowing them to manipulate your present life. It’s okay to love a sibling from a distance if closeness continues to result in harm. And it’s okay to hope for reconciliation without forcing it to happen. Boundaries are not walls; they are gates. They give us the freedom to let people in—but only when it is healthy and appropriate to do so. Making Amends with Compassion and Clarity If and when the time does come to make amends, whether as the person extending forgiveness or the one asking for it, approaching the conversation with humility and clarity is essential. We can take inspiration from the Sacrament of Reconciliation, where the process of confession involves examining our conscience, naming our sins, expressing true contrition, and receiving both forgiveness and guidance. Similarly, when making amends in our personal lives, we begin by acknowledging what happened—not defensively, but honestly. We share how the situation has affected us. We listen. We don’t demand immediate restoration, but we open the door to it. And sometimes, we might take that step and find that the other person isn’t ready. Or they respond with defensiveness, denial, or more harm. That’s when we return to our boundaries. Forgiveness is still possible, but reconciliation may need to remain a hope rather than a present reality. Spiritual Guidance Along the Way Throughout this process, our faith can be an anchor. Prayer becomes a conversation with the God who knows every wound and walks with us through every step of healing. The saints offer examples of both radical forgiveness and wise discernment. St. Monica, for instance, teaches us about perseverance in love and prayer without enabling harmful behavior. St. Maria Goretti’s story is often cited for her forgiveness, but we also remember her clarity in saying no to harm. And of course, the Sacraments nourish us. Receiving the Eucharist strengthens us to love like Christ. Confession helps us experience God’s mercy, so we can extend it more freely to others. Spiritual direction can also be helpful when navigating complex relationships and emotional burdens through a faith-based lens. Trusting the Slow Work of Healing Making amends and setting boundaries aren’t one-time decisions. They are part of an ongoing, unfolding process of healing. We may feel ready one day and hesitant the next. That’s okay. Forgiveness is not linear, and relationships—especially broken ones—rarely heal overnight. But I’ve seen firsthand the beauty that emerges when people engage in this work with courage. When they honor both their pain and their desire for peace. When they protect their hearts with boundaries, but still remain open to love. And when they trust that, even if reconciliation is not possible now, it may one day be—with God’s grace. In Conclusion If you’re in the midst of wrestling with whether to make amends, take heart. It’s not an easy decision, and it doesn’t have to be rushed. Therapy can offer tools and support. Your faith can offer wisdom and hope. And both can help you move forward with peace. Forgiveness will always be a part of the journey. But reconciliation? That’s something we discern, with prayer and prudence. And no matter where you land—whether you reach out, stay silent, or hold space from afar—you are not alone in the journey. If you haven’t yet read Part One of this series, I encourage you to explore the foundations of forgiveness and healing in both therapy and Catholic tradition. That post dives into the inner process of releasing pain and embracing God’s mercy—a powerful first step before considering reconciliation. May you be filled with gentleness, wisdom, and the peace that comes from the One who forgave us first. Forgiveness can feel impossible at times—but it’s also one of the most healing gifts we can give ourselves. If you're carrying the weight of resentment or hurt and feel ready to explore a path toward release and peace, therapy can help. At Holy Family Counseling Center , we create a safe space to process the past, understand your emotions, and move forward with intention. Connect with us when you're ready—we’re here to walk that path with you.

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

By Peter Attridge, PhD • October 27, 2025
Forgiveness & Healing: Therapy and Catholic Perspectives on Reconciliation

Your Thoughts Lead the Way

By Irene Rowland, MS, NCC, LPC • September 16, 2025
We often have more control than we realize. I’m going to lead you through an exercise in order to illustrate this point. Visualize a tree with deep roots and a strong trunk leading up into beautiful branches and leaves. Oftentimes, we retain concepts better if we can see it mapped out. To that end, let’s do a little art therapy together and when you have completed your masterpiece, you can put it on your refrigerator or somewhere that you’ll notice it often: First draw a tree trunk with the roots showing. Under half of the roots write the word FEAR in dark, shaky, ominous looking letters. Under the other half of the roots write LOVE in happy looking handwriting (maybe pretty cursive if you dare). Vertically up the tree trunk write “thoughts/beliefs”. Now it’s time to add lots of branches, twigs, and leaves. Among these branches, add the wording “actions/behaviors” throughout the branches. If you are looking for extra credit, add a variety of nice healthy looking fruit and some rotting fruit with flies. Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” In most circumstances, at the root of our thoughts is either fear or love. These thoughts then drive our actions and behaviors. Sometimes we are coming from a solid, healthy place and other times from a shaky, fear based place. This is worth looking at in order to grow more and more into the emotionally healthy individual we have the potential to become. All fear based thinking is not detrimental obviously. God created us with healthy fight or flight instincts for when we are in actual danger. This is of course a good thing. For purposes of learning how to live a more emotionally balanced life, we’re looking at thoughts that come from an unhealthy fear which could potentially drive behaviors and actions that don’t serve us well. Thoughts Drive Behavior There are ten top cognitive distortions. Let’s break this down a little. Cognitive means having to do with the brain. Distortions are things that are twisted, so basically cognitive distortions are twisted, unhealthy or irrational thoughts. We have more control over our lives if we operate from a place of clear, healthy, rational thoughts. Everyone experiences some of these types of thoughts so it’s good to know that it’s “normal”. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters. Do we buy into the lie that we’ve told ourselves or do we remind ourselves of the truth? If you tracked these negative thoughts throughout the week, it would be surprising to see how often this happens. Let’s look at the top 10 cognitive distortions. They’re not in any particular order but we each have a pattern of our “favorites” that we default to when we engage in what some call “stinking thinking”. All or Nothing Thinking - also known as black and white thinking. Usually things in life aren’t 100% one way or the other and the truth is somewhere in between in the gray area. Words such as never and always fall into this category. The words usually, often and sometimes are probably more truthful in most circumstances. Overgeneralizing - an example would be seeing an event as a never-ending pattern. A student with good grades being concerned that they’re going to flunk a course because of one failing quiz grade is a good example of this. Mental Filter - dwelling on the negatives and ignoring the positives. When this happens, the mind dwells on the glass being half empty. This is not only discouraging for the person who chooses to live this way, but also makes it difficult for others to be around them often. Discounting Positives - an example is not giving any credit for that which is good in a person and only paying attention to what needs improvement. Jumping to Conclusions- the thoughts don’t always match the facts. There are subsets of this type of distorted thinking. One is Mind Reading when we assume we know what the other person is thinking for instance. This is a common relationship issue. We need to state what we have to say instead of believing the other person already knows. Fortune Telling also is a way that we oftentimes falsely decide that we know how something is going to happen. We all know those who have had something negative happen in the morning and then decide that this is going to be a bad day. Their negative thinking is usually what propels the rest of the day to be less than desirable. Their self-fulfilling prophesy informs how they choose to handle the rest of the day. Magnification and Minimization - making things larger or smaller than they actually are. We’ve all seen a mountain made out of a molehill or something huge being discounted as being trivial. Emotional Reasoning - letting feelings be regarded as truth such as I feel unworthy therefore I am. Should Statements - when we use should/should not, must, have to or similar language about ourselves or others, we are self-bullying or other bullying. An example would be if a person thought that as a good parent they have to read a bedtime story every night to their child. The truth is that as a good parent, they get to/are happy to read a story nightly but they could still be a good parent without imposing this on themselves. A parent with a migraine could let their child know that they’re not feeling well and will read two stories the next night and still fulfill their idea of being a good parent. Labeling -calling oneself a loser for instance because you made mistakes, instead of stating the truth that you made a mistake. Self-Blame and Other-Blame -taking on blame that isn’t rightfully all yours or blaming others when the fault lies partially with you also. All of these unhealthy ways of thinking can cause us to have inappropriate responses to life’s situations. When we have a negative thought, we need to slow down and ask ourselves if it’s legitimately true or have we exaggerated or added incorrect meaning to a situation. When we operate from a place of truth, our behaviors are going to be more sane, more productive, life-giving and fruitful. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, practice paying attention to your thoughts. If they are true, operate from that place for the best outcomes. If the thoughts are not truthful and therefore won’t serve you well, it’s time to regroup and remind yourself of what the actual truth is. It’s ok to have your initial thought be an unlovely, negative thought that’s untrue. What matters is what you do with it. Hopefully your response is to turn it around into the truth and proceed from there. Looking for cognitive distortions can be like a treasure hunt. Your response of countering with the truth is pure gold. If this exercise resonated with you, try repeating the “Thought Tree” once a day for a week and notice one cognitive distortion you catch—then practice swapping it for a truer, kinder thought. If you'd like help applying these tools in therapy, please contact us at 678-993-8494 or visit Holy Family Counseling Center . If you ever feel overwhelmed or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact local emergency services or the 988 Lifeline immediately. Small shifts in how we think add up—you're not alone on this path to greater emotional health.