Good Shepherd Newsletter 10

Staff

Competency 10: Having Presence in the Present

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~James Thurber


Do you ever look at someone’s feet when you are in conversation with them? Body language experts will tell you that if a person’s feet are oriented away from the person they are conversing with, they want to be gone from the conversation. If their eyes are fl itting towards exits, the same can be said. Have you ever noticed this? Have you ever done this, given subtle hints that you’d rather be somewhere else? Priestly vocation requires presence in the moment. The need for situational awareness and the ability to be still, even when we do not want to be, is a skill that can be developed.


The first step is remembering that Christ is always present for us. The True Presence is a foundation of our Catholic faith. May it also be a blueprint that we learn to live in our daily lives. To be truly present with those around us. This does not mean we need to give of ourselves to no end, rather we should develop and maintain boundaries to protect ourselves. Th is will allow us moments of communication and relationship where we relish the act of being present with ourselves, and with others.


A. Freedom is Where We Are

We have probably all had the experience of seeing a person walking up to us and we know what the conversation is going to be like. Sometimes that conversation will be exciting, other times it will be one we fi nd extremely boring. When we allow ourselves to be drawn in by the negatives, we lose our footing in the present. Reminding ourselves before a conversation to be present can allow us to handle the conversation more readily. This means acknowledging that we may not want to be here in the moment, and creating space to allow the conversation to occur, while also understanding that there can be a time limit where we are able to be present.


How do we set these boundaries? Multi-tasking gets a lot of headlines these days. The more things we are able to do at once, the better. Listening to a podcast while you jog, answering emails while on a conference call, eating dinner and binge watching a show, all are common occurrences for many of us. Multi-tasking has advantages and cannot be completely eliminated from our daily lives. However, the intent with which we multi-task can be explored. Research shows that when we multitask we focus less, regulate our emotions less, and forget important pieces of information. As a therapist I can freely admit that if I start multi-tasking in a session, usually by thinking about what I have to do next, I lose track of what a client is saying. I constantly remind myself that when I enter a session; I am going to be present with that person for the next hour and everything else goes by the wayside. My presence for that person is important and so I start monotasking. Monotasking is simply giving time to perform one task at a time. As I write this piece, I have set aside time to do just that. My goal to be present for this newsletter is where I am right now. I set aside this time, I reduced my distractions, and I am present, and therefore free, to complete this task.


A second way to be more present in our daily lives is to practice gratitude. Set aside a few minutes a day to contemplate the things you are grateful for. Did your football team win this weekend? Did an event get canceled and you had time to relax? Make a great shot in golf? The practice of gratitude is to pay attention to the little things as well as the big things. The more we practice gratitude the more we train ourselves to look for the positives in our daily lives. Finding gratitude in conversations with others, completing expense reports, sitting through meetings all become a little more positive when we have the intent to be grateful.


The last suggestion is to remember the difference between empathy and sympathy. This video by Brene Brown does an excellent job of breaking down the differences for us. Empathy is the ability to understand and share a person’s feelings, even if we are limited in our own experience of what they are going through. Sympathy is feeling pity or sorry for someone’s feelings; we feel bad for them without understanding what they are feeling. Sympathy is a more surface-level approach to dealing with a person or what they are bringing to you. Empathy forms a connection with an individual and requires us to access something in ourselves in order to connect with the other. To be more empathetic:

  1. Focus on what is being said, not what your response “should” be;
  2. Repeat in your own words what is being said;
  3. Be aware of your own emotions in the moment;
  4. Ask what the other person needs from you, don’t assume.

Practicing monotasking, gratitude, and empathy on a daily basis will assist you in being more present, feeling less stressed, and avoiding burnout. You will not get it perfect the first time out, so take the time to practice and become consistent.


B. Active Listening

A part of being a presence means being a reflection of Christ, who sought to call forth that which is good, true, and beautiful into the world, through both his action and his words. Active listening can be a good practice in which we are able to meet individuals where they are at. We can help them reflect on what is good, true, and beautiful in their life even as they struggle to uncover those transcendentals and reflect concerns constructively where we see their search might be hindered. There are three essential components to active listening: Body Language, Reflection, and Response.


1. Body Language is important in communicating your intentions and your presence to the one who is sharing their story with you. When trying to be attentive and focus on someone else’s story, there are four things to keep in mind.

  1. Make sure your body is oriented in the person’s direction, this helps show that your interest and your energy is focused on them.
  2. Have your eyes directed towards their face, this communicates that you are trying to be attentive to the person and the emotions that might be revealing themselves as he tells his story.
  3. Minimize obstructions. For example, if you are behind a desk, try to move to an area that is more open.
  4. An open posture also helps communicate your intention of being receptive.


Mastering positive body language can be helpful to communicate that intentional presence that you may wish to bring in situations where you would like to shine the love of Christ. However, caution is advised that body language, without the cultivation of empathy, will lead to disingenuousness, which can be picked up on when actions and words do not match intent. 


2. The art of reflecting is an essential feature of active listening, it is the demonstration of your attentiveness to the other person’s message. There are four aspects of a person’s message that you should keep in mind as you try to reflect back to the person that is trying to share with you: Perception, Reaction, Meaning, and Need. a.

  1. Perception deals with the context in which the person is speaking and what triggered the initial move for the person to reach out.
  2. Reaction deals with how the person responded to that situation, his emotions, what his body did in that moment, how he plans to respond, and who he has reached out to already.
  3. Meaning involves reflecting the beliefs that the person has shared, and in some cases discerning and reflecting beliefs that might not be apparent to the person.
  4. Need is trying to pinpoint the specific vulnerability that the person is facing and fleshing out what he needs in response to that vulnerability, in order to feel the love of Christ or others.


An Important note to keep in mind when reflecting what you hear the other person share, is to put the reflection in an open framework. “It seems to me”, “it sounds to me”, “what I heard”, “would you clarify”, etc.. This allows the person to feel that he has power to clarify any misinterpretations you may have had. Additionally, it gives the person the sense that you care to make sure you are understanding his story and situation correctly.


As you navigate conversations, if you are having a hard time identifying the other’s perception, reactions, meaning, or need, do not be afraid to ask the person to help you follow him and ask: PERCEPTION– “Help me understand what happened”, “what did you see?”, “what did you hear?”; REACTION– “I am trying to follow you”, “what happened for you when you (restate the trigger or context)?”; MEANING—“How did that feel?”, “what did you tell yourself at that moment?”, “what went through your mind?”; NEED–“So after hearing that you experienced this, what do you need from me?”


3. The last component of active listening is the Response, in which you offer feedback, reflect your opinion, and give an invitation to explore more and consider your concerns. One way, in the Response, you can continue to facilitate a sense of Christ’s presence is validating the person’s experience, while stating your perspective, and finally asking for clarification on their position. A distinction to keep in mind is that validation is about acknowledging how the person experiences hardships and normalizing the struggle that he is facing. In contrast, affirming is the acknowledgement and approval of how a person acted in a particular experience. It is always important to validate the struggle, but you do not have to affirm the person’s behavior.


Please refer to the Good Shepherd newsletter 6 section C for other examples on how to practice active listening in the context of conflict resolution.


C. Refining Perspective

As Roman Catholic Christians we celebrate the Eucharist as both the real sacramental presence of Jesus Christ and as a personal call to bring His true Presence in us to all the world. The Eucharist is both reservation & action, Christ present among us and with us as individuals and, perhaps more critically, as a communal body. This perspective of ours acknowledges not only Christ present to us, but our being empowered to be His presence to each other in faith and others who have yet to come to faith. God’s grace in us accomplishes this by our being present to each other in the present moment.


In order to have the perspective to be present to others, we must first be present to ourselves. Setting appropriate boundaries around our work and personal lives allows us freedom within the framework of our responsibilities. Putting aside appropriate time for prayer, relaxation, community, and vocation are integral parts of remaining present. As much as our job is to imitate the life of our Savior, we must also be aware of our limitations. This includes acknowledging our shortcomings and making an effort to work with this knowledge that we are striving to be more like Christ in all things.


Being present to each other is blessedly analogous to the Real Eucharistic presence before Whom we place ourselves in attentive adoration. In a Byzantine sense, we are attentive to the mystery of God’s presence in the Eucharist that permeates all that exists…in Him we live and move and have our being. The invitation here is to use that attentiveness in awe and respect of each other. The call bids us to be present in every moment by being a listening presence that affirms and validates what we are privileged to hear from those we are privileged to serve. 

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.
By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT August 15, 2025
Grief & Hope: Therapy and Catholic Teachings on Loss and Eternal Life Grief is something that touches all of us eventually. It may arrive suddenly with the death of a loved one, linger quietly through the end of a relationship, or follow the quiet disappointment of a long-held dream falling apart. Whatever the cause, the pain of loss often arrives uninvited and stays longer than we expect. It can leave us feeling like the ground beneath our feet has shifted, upending our sense of security, meaning, and identity. In these moments, therapy offers a way to make sense of the pain, to find meaning in suffering, and — slowly but surely — to begin healing. For people of faith, particularly within the Catholic tradition, grief is not something to be merely endured. It’s something that can be transformed through the lens of Christ’s death and resurrection. By combining psychological support with theological hope, the journey through grief can become not just a passage through sorrow, but also a path toward deeper love, connection, and peace. The Complexity of Grief: Not a Straight Line One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence. Many of us are familiar with the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are helpful in recognizing the emotions involved in loss, but they’re not a strict roadmap. Real grief is messy (see our blog article here ). It doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days, you might feel like you’ve made peace with the loss; on others, a small memory can unravel you unexpectedly. Therapists understand this complexity. In therapy, you’re given a space to express the full range of your emotions without judgment. That in itself can be healing—being able to cry, vent, or sit silently and just be seen. Many therapists use grief specific approaches to help people understand the depth of their emotions and develop tools to cope. These approaches focus not only on processing the pain but also on exploring the significance of the relationship that was lost and the meaning that can still be drawn from it. For some, however, grief becomes more than sorrow. It becomes stuck. This form of suffering, often referred to as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder (PGD), involves intense, long-lasting emotions that disrupt daily life and relationships. These symptoms can include persistent yearning, preoccupation with the loss, emotional numbness, or an inability to experience joy. When grief lingers and paralyzes rather than gradually integrates into life, therapy becomes not just helpful—it becomes essential. In these more complex cases, the goal is to help individuals accept the reality of their loss while reengaging with life in meaningful ways. It’s not about forgetting or moving on. It’s about learning to carry grief differently—to make space for both sorrow and hope. A Catholic Lens on Death, Loss, and What Comes After While therapy addresses the psychological and emotional dimensions of grief, Catholic theology speaks to the spiritual side of the experience. Our faith doesn’t deny the sorrow of death. It fully acknowledges the pain of separation, the weight of absence. But it also insists—gently but firmly—that death is not the final word. At the heart of our faith is the resurrection of Christ. This central truth shapes how Catholics understand death—not as an end, but as a passage to new life. In the Gospel of John, Jesus offers the words that echo across centuries: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25–26). These words are not a dismissal of grief; they are an anchor in the storm of sorrow, a promise that love is stronger than death. This belief is not just abstract theology. It’s woven into the very rituals that surround death. Catholic funeral rites, including the Vigil, the Funeral Mass, and the Rite of Committal, are structured to help mourners grieve, pray, and hope. The Mass of Christian Burial is both a farewell and a celebration. It entrusts the soul of the deceased to God’s mercy while comforting those left behind with prayers, Scripture, and the Eucharist—a visible sign of Christ’s victory over death. We also draw comfort from the communion of saints—the belief that the faithful, living and deceased, remain united in Christ. This sense of connection helps many people feel that their loved ones are not lost to them, but remain close in spirit, interceding and awaiting reunion in eternal life. It transforms the relationship, but it does not sever it. According to The Catholic Free Press, prayer during and after the funeral, the support of the faith community, and the hope of resurrection all contribute to easing the sting of grief. This hope doesn’t erase the sadness, but it surrounds it with meaning. Finding Healing in the Integration of Therapy and Faith What’s truly powerful is the way that therapy and faith can work together in times of loss. You don’t have to choose between the two. In fact, integrating both can offer the most comprehensive support. Therapy provides the space to wrestle with painful emotions, while faith gives language to mystery, sorrow, and redemption. Some therapists incorporate a client’s spiritual beliefs directly into the therapeutic process. A Catholic might be invited to reflect on Scripture, to write a letter to their loved one as a form of prayer, or to explore the concept of redemptive suffering—that even in our pain, we are united with Christ. These spiritual practices can offer comfort and a sense of sacredness during a time that might otherwise feel chaotic and empty. Faith can also inspire action in grief. Many people find healing in honoring their loved one through acts of love and service—volunteering, creating something meaningful, or simply continuing traditions that keep memories alive. These acts don’t make the grief go away, but they help reframe it as something that can shape your life with beauty and purpose. Community plays a vital role here too. Being part of a parish, attending grief support groups, or simply leaning on trusted friends in faith can make an incredible difference. Shared prayer, communal rituals, and simply being around others who “get it” can bring relief that is both emotional and spiritual. Moving Through Grief Toward New Life It’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Love doesn’t end when someone dies. It changes form. Grief is a sign of love, and love, in the Catholic tradition, is eternal. This perspective is beautifully echoed in the words of St. Augustine: “If you knew the gift of God and what heaven is... wipe away your tears and weep no more if you love me” ( Our Sunday Visitor ). These aren’t instructions to suppress sorrow, but reminders that death is not the end of the story. When we allow ourselves to grieve fully, supported by therapy and guided by faith, we begin to see how grief itself can be transformed. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes lighter, more manageable. It makes room for joy again, for connection, and for a deeper appreciation of the people still present in our lives. In time, those who grieve may find themselves living not in spite of loss, but in honor of it—carrying forward the love they received, guided by the hope of eternal reunion, and strengthened by the compassionate tools of therapy and the enduring promises of their faith. Final Reflection Grief will never be easy, but it can be holy. It can be a time of brokenness and also of deep transformation. With the help of compassionate therapists and the enduring light of Catholic hope, it is possible to find meaning, peace, and even renewal in the shadow of loss. You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it’s sitting with a therapist, lighting a candle at Mass, whispering a prayer through tears, or simply reaching out to someone who understands—every small step matters. Together, therapy and Catholic theology remind us that grief is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a testament to love. And love, in the end, is what endures. Healing begins with connection—and taking the first step can be the hardest part. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or simply curious about how therapy could help, we invite you to connect with us at Holy Family Counseling Center. Our team is here to listen, support, and walk alongside you with care and intention. Send us a message or give us a call—we’re ready when you are.
July 10, 2025
Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting The Way Retreat with Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC