Good Shepherd Newsletter 6

Staff

Competency 6: Spiritual Martial Arts

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

A. The call and role of a pastoral leader.

Fr. Th omas Augustine Judge, founder of Th e Missionary Servants of the Holy Trinity (MSST), once gave a speech about true humility. He noted that the truly humble person knows who they are before God, what needs to be done, and does it. Th at insight is a good accompaniment as we continue to seek to respond to God’s call to be a pastoral leader as priests and as shepherds striving to be good by the mere imitation of Christ THE Good Shepherd.


This insight into an ever more authentic humility bids every priest to be a servant leader, who knows who they are before God, what is the task at hand, and who seeks simply to do it...while inviting others to follow. That begs the constantly renewing question for every priest/good shepherd: What is the task before me and how do I do it?


A presentation could follow on how to identify and prioritize the tasks before us, but in that functional pursuit we may lead away from the essential goal of acting “in persona Christi.” For the priest/good shepherd then, the task is being the voice of Christ the Shepherd in more than merely a functional way. Th e implication may be that our fi rst consistent task is to substantially “lose ourselves” in Christ, participating with our whole being in the mystery of Christ’s life, death, and resurrection. Our common work then is to make our understanding, freedom, will, and self-off ering as a living sacrifi ce (cf. Rm 12: 1-2). Could it be that it is only in the consistent participation in Christ’s sacrifi ce, in his kenosis, that our ministry of leading will be authentic? Being a servant-leader calls us to grow into the ability to say to the Father, together with Christ: let “not my will, but what you will” be done (Mk 14: 36). Proclaiming leadership, therefore, always involves self-sacrifice, a prerequisite for our authenticity, efficacy, and loving service to the Church as the Bride of Christ.


B. Maintaining calm in the storms of conflict.

Proclaiming leadership in our roles oft en comes with attacks on our proclamations. In the diverse community of the Church there are numerous views and voices. As such, we must always be aware that there will be dissent to the way we function in our leadership roles. How do we adjust to these moments of conflict as they arise? How do we remain in a mode of self-sacrifice when faced with animosity and belligerence? What wounds do our parishioners project onto the priesthood and thereby to us?


In life some of the most interesting stories we hear as individuals are conflict stories. When we see two people deep in conversation, they are often in the midst of telling, or hearing about, some form of conflict. Conflict stories are fascinating, and we often hold strong feelings about them, especially when they are our own. These stories are told over and over again and we relive the experience of them and the hope that the other person would change just a little bit. Conflict holds much promise. If it weren’t for the conflicts we face in life, we would not grow as individuals and connect to others. The Passion is a story of conflict, connection, and of growth. Conflict can also follow another pathway, one of disconnect and isolation, like the path that Judas Iscariot followed. Conflict provides all the materials necessary to build walls and barriers to the world and those we love if we choose the path of isolation. Our own habits in conflict can take over and leave us wondering why we reacted a certain way or said something we’ll later regret. We always have the choice to change our habits and adjust our reactions to conflict.


To adjust our reactions to conflict, it may be helpful to look at the practice of Aikido, though not in the physical sense. The art of Aikido is translated as the way of the harmonious spirit. The goal of entering a meeting (what Aikido calls conflict) is to leave the other person as unharmed as possible. In other words, both people in conflict should leave feeling whole. In Aikido, the intent is to move towards the conflict and utilize the other individual’s energy to deflect their attack. Judy Ringer has categorized six facets of aikido as a conflict metaphor:

  • Resistance. My initial reaction to adversity is to resist it. In a physical assault, I want to keep the attacker away from me. Similarly, I would rather not have to deal with a workplace conflict, a difficult person, or a frightening illness.superiors, colleagues, employees, and parishioners allows for a well-rounded way to learn.
  • Connection. At some point, however, I must connect with the conflict if there is any hope of resolving it. In aikido, I connect by moving toward the attacker and joining my energy with theirs. In life, I connect when I accept that the problem exists. Connection is the first step toward resolution.
  • Practice. As I acknowledge the conflict, I begin to take action. At first my action is unskilled. I make mistakes, and I practice and refine my approach. Aikido practitioners refer to this refinement process as “getting on the mat.” The mat is the place where we meet to learn and hone our technique and practice confidence and presence.
  • Discovery. Through steady practice, I gradually find myself in new territory, where the realization of how little I know catapults me into a land of discovery. Whether on the aikido mat or on the mat of life, I become a learner. As I move from resistance to curiosity and wonder, my practice becomes fun.
  • Power. Discovery brings a new kind of power because it is aligned with energy. I learn that power does not equal force or coercion. Rather, this new power increases in direct relationship to flexibility and empathy.
  • Teachers. Finally, I notice that conflict has become my teacher. My difficult relationships have taught me flexibility and assertiveness. Through adversity, I have discovered new perspectives and insights. In aikido we say, “The attack is a gift of energy.”

The difference between a reaction and a response is time. When there is little time after a stimulus presents itself, we are reacting. If we can give ourselves a few breaths before making a move or statement, we move into the realm of response. Responding to stimuli means that we are able to do so with some level of control, Judy Ringer offers these ideas:


  • Breathe and Center. Often. A conflict can unbalance us with strong emotions and feelings of unworthiness, anger, sadness, and frustration. Do not avoid your emotions but treat them as guides. Appreciate and observe them as you might observe a play.
  • Take the Long View. It is so easy to get caught in the turmoil of the conflict that we forget there will be a tomorrow. Take some quiet moments to close your eyes and see yourself in the future with the conflict resolved. Imagine how you will feel with the problem behind you. What would you like the relationship to look like a month from now? A year from now? Meanwhile, eat well, go to bed at regular hours, laugh, and allow yourself to forget the problem occasionally. This may not be easy, but it is effective. Allow your inner wisdom to work silently while you continue to engage in life.
  • Reframe. Step outside the conflict momentarily and look at it through a more objective lens. Instead of resisting, ask yourself if there is a gift here — an invitation to look at things differently or to try a new behavior. Acknowledge the other person by standing in his shoes. Why is he behaving this way? What does he want? How would you feel in his position?
  • Experiment. Brainstorm all possible responses to this situation and try them on for size. Ask a friend to role-play alternatives you think you’d never choose because they’re so unlike your usual persona. Have fun exercising unexplored selves.
  • Practice. Choose one new behavior that will make a positive difference in your attitude toward life and make a commitment to practice that behavior every day.

  • Count Your Blessings. Notice the good things in your life. Cultivate gratitude and wonder. Thank God for what you have been blessed with.

C. Conflict Resolution (practical uses)

Putting what we know about conflict resolution into practice can be difficult. The command to “love one another as I have loved you” is difficult to live out, especially in these dividing times. A loving and merciful response towards contentious individuals requires the cultivation of the virtues of humility, patience, and trust in our Lord. These virtues coupled with some fundamental conversation skills can allow us to arrive at a resolution that can leave both individuals feeling heard, accepted, and valued.


The journey of successful conflict resolution starts with cultivating a trust in God. However, this is not a blind trust, it must be coupled with responsibility to cultivate a loving response. This requires us to be open to the other, receiving them where they are at and is a process that requires us to trust that in discomfort, Christ is leading us towards becoming more loving individuals.


Below are practical steps to Conflict Resolution:

  • Step One: Clarify everyone’s positions and elaborate where necessary. The best way to start the process of clarification is to reflect what you heard in a non-judgmental way. This can be achieved by naming the intellectual and emotional content. Starting with reflecting on what you heard will help to ease the tension and will help people feel like you are being attentive and care about their concern. It will be helpful to start your reflection with phrases such as: “Help me understand if I heard you correctly …”; “What I am hearing you say is…”; “Would you clarify my summary?” It is important to follow up your reflections with an invitation for the other person to offer clarification if they think you misunderstood their point of view. If they clarify their position, make sure to reflect their clarification and ask for their input again. Continue this process of communication until the other person is satisfied with your interpretation.

  • Step Two: Assess the truth and value behind what is being said. Often, the viewpoint people hold is the fruit of them wrestling with the truth and lies they have experienced in life. When we can recognize the truth behind the value that is held is based on the other’s experience, we can meet others where they are. Ultimately, if we can understand the value that they felt was infringed, we can understand their emotional turmoil. An easy to remember practical application of this clarification and assessment can be used with the following sentence structure: “What I hear you saying is, that you feel…. (Name the emotion you suspect that they are feeling)”; “Because…. (Name the value that you suspect they believe was infringed)”; “So what I heard you ask for is... (Name what you believe they are requesting.) did I hear you correctly?”.

  • Step Three: Clarify why you hold your position. However, it is important to remember that instruction is not to convince the other that your viewpoint is the correct one. Rather, it is to offer clarification on the values at play within your own viewpoint. This can be a time to clarify and instruct on what the Church teaches, as well as offer appropriate self-disclosure in regard to the personal struggle at arriving at pragmatic solutions. Self-disclosure can be difficult to gauge what is appropriate versus inappropriate. Appropriate self-disclosure should reflect the internal conflicts that are a play when attempting the related pragmatic solutions. • Step Four: Move towards collaborative solutions. Compromising is not about sacrificing your values but recognizing the value in the other’s perspective. Resolution comes easiest when both parties make an effort to meet each other in compromise. If no attempt is made or something is being asked that would compromise the integrity of your personhood or priest hood, then resolution may not be appropriate. Accepting when resolution is not appropriate/ not possible is part and parcel of having appropriate boundaries.


Sometimes people may stop and ask for something or complain at inappropriate times. We still want to give a loving response but realize a resolution to the issues may not be possible to ascertain at that moment. In these cases, it is appropriate to acknowledge the concern and to assert that it is an important topic you do not want to rush through and would like to come back to it later. This allows you to acknowledge the request, while asserting your boundaries and creating space for the things you need to be attentive too. As mentioned above, when individuals are unwilling to meet in the middle or request something that would compromise one’s personhood or priesthood, this is a situation in which resolution is not possible. Here it is helpful to accept that reality and reflect to the individual that it seems what they are asking is too much or that it seems they are unwilling to meet you. It is not your responsibility to move a person out of their stubbornness. This is also where it is important to ask the Lord for strength and courage to be disliked, trusting in him to make all things goods, humility that you are made for God’s love and so is the other while acknowledging freedom is a prerequisite.


Conflict in life is not something that many of us seek out. However, in our role as shepherds, it often is placed at our feet. Responding to conflict instead of reacting to it is often the best way to remain firm in our position while also understanding the views that others bring to us. We would like to conclude with the Act of Love by St. John Vianney: 


I love You; O my God and my only desire is to love You until my last breath. I love You, O infinitely lovable God, and I prefer to die loving You rather than to live for a single moment without loving You. I love You, O my God, and I long for heaven only to know the bliss of loving You perfectly. I love You, O my God, and I only fear going to hell because there I will never experience the sweet consolation of loving You. O my God, if my tongue is not able to say at every opportunity that I love You, at least I want my heart to repeat it to You as many times as I take a breath. My God, give me the grace of suffering out of love for You, of loving You while I suffer; give me the grace of one day breathing my last breath out of love for You and at the same time feeling how much I love You. The closer I come to my final end, the more I beseech You to intensify and perfect my love for You. Amen.

The Star in the Window: A Midwinter Reflection for the Soul

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • January 16, 2026
As the calendar turns and the glitter of the Christmas Season begins to settle into the quiet, gray periphery of January, there is a collective pressure to "reset". We are inundated with messages about the "New You", usually packaged in the form of rigid resolutions or the sudden, frantic desire to fix everything that felt broken in the previous year. As a therapist, I often see the fallout of this "Resolution Culture" in my office. By the second or third week of January, many of my clients feel a sense of premature failure. They set a bar based on a fleeting burst of midnight motivation, and when the reality of daily life—the fatigue, the stress, the old habits—returns, they feel more discouraged than they did in December. This year, I want to invite you to step away from the secular treadmill of self-improvement and instead lean into the liturgical rhythm of the Church. We are currently in the season of Epiphany , a time that offers a much more compassionate and profound framework for personal growth than any gym membership or habit-tracker ever could. Moving Beyond the New Year, New Me Myth One problem with New Year’s resolutions is that they are often rooted in a rejection of self. We look at our flaws and say, "I must delete this version of myself and install a better one". From both a psychological and a Catholic perspective, this is a flawed starting point. In therapy, we know that true, lasting change doesn't come from self-hatred; it comes from integration . In Catholic teaching, we are reminded that we are already "fearfully and wonderfully made". Our goal isn't to become someone else, but to become more fully who God created us to be. Instead of resolutions, let’s look at this time of year from a different perspective, that of the Epiphany —the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles, represented by the journey of the Magi. The Wisdom of the Magi: A Different Kind of Journey The journey of the Wise Men wasn't a race; it was a long, arduous, and patient trek guided by a singular light. They didn't have a 12-step plan to change who they were; they had a star. 1. Finding Your "Star" (Values vs. Goals) In clinical practice, we often distinguish between goals and values. A goal is something you can check off a list (e.g., lose ten pounds). A value is a direction you move in (e.g., caring for the temple of the Holy Spirit). The Magi followed a star—a distant, steady light. They didn't reach it in a day. As you look at this new year, ask yourself: What is my star? Is it a deeper capacity for patience? Is it a commitment to silence? Is it the courage to set boundaries that protect your peace? When we focus on the "star" (the value) rather than a rigid "resolution" (the goal), we allow room for the journey to be messy. If the Magi took a wrong turn, they didn't go home; they looked back up at the sky and corrected their course. 2. The Gifts: Inventory, Not Deletion The Magi brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh. They brought what they had. In this season, I encourage you to do a "Soul Inventory." Instead of looking at what you lack, look at what you are carrying. What are the "gifts" of your personality? What are the "myrrhs"—the bitter pains or griefs—that you are currently holding? In the therapeutic process, we bring these things into the light. In the Catholic tradition, we offer them to the Christ Child. Nothing is wasted. Even your struggles are gifts in the sense that they are the raw material God uses for your sanctification. Epiphany as a Bridge to Lent Many people see January as a vacuum and February as a countdown to Lent. But the Church, in her wisdom, uses this time as a bridge. Epiphany is about revelation —seeing things as they truly are. If Lent is the season of "doing" (e.g., fasting, almsgiving, prayer), then the weeks following Epiphany are the season of "seeing." You cannot effectively fast from a habit if you don't understand the hunger it’s trying to fill. You cannot give alms with a joyful heart if you haven't recognized the abundance God has already given you. Preparing the Soil Think of this time as "tilling the soil." Before a farmer plants (Lent), he must clear the rocks and turn the earth. This is the psychological work of January and February. Observation without Judgment: Spend these weeks simply noticing your patterns. When do you feel most anxious? When do you feel most distant from God? Don't try to fix it yet. Just see it. The Power of Another Way: After meeting Jesus, the Magi "departed for their country by another way" (Matthew 2:12). This is a beautiful metaphor for the therapeutic journey. Once you encounter the truth—whether in the confessional or the therapist’s chair—you cannot simply go back to the old routes. You are invited to find a "new way" home. Practical Soul-Work for the Season Since we are moving away from the pressure of resolutions, how do we actually use this time? Here are a few "low-pressure, high-grace" suggestions for the weeks ahead: 1. Practice The Examen - St. Ignatius of Loyola gave us a brilliant psychological tool in the Daily Examen. At the end of the day, don't list your failures. Instead, ask: Where did I see God's light today? * Where did I turn away from it? This builds the "muscle" of awareness that you will need when Lent arrives. 2. Identify Your "Herod" - In the Epiphany story, Herod represents the ego, the fear, and the desire for control that feels threatened by the "New King" (grace). What is the Herod in your life right now? Is it a need for perfection? Is it a specific resentment you’re clinging to? Recognizing your internal Herod is the first step toward preventing it from sabotaging your spiritual growth. 3. Rest as a Spiritual Discipline - The Magi traveled far, but they also stopped. Our culture demands constant production. But in the quiet of winter, the earth rests. Allow yourself a Sabbath of the Mind. If you are feeling burnt out, the most Catholic and psychologically sound thing you can do isn't to add a new prayer routine, but to sleep an extra hour and acknowledge your human limitations. We are creatures, not the Creator. Looking Toward the Desert Soon enough, the ashes will be placed on our foreheads, and we will enter the desert of Lent. But we don't have to rush there. If we spend this Epiphany season truly following our "star"—seeking the truth of who we are and who Christ is—we won't enter Lent out of a sense of should or guilt. Instead, we will enter Lent like people who have seen a Great Light. We will fast because we’ve realized we are hungry for something better than what the world offers. We will pray because we’ve realized we can’t make the journey alone. A Final Thought from the Couch If you find yourself struggling this January—if the New Year energy feels more like a heavy weight than a fresh start—take a deep breath. You are not a project to be solved. You are a person to be loved. The Magi didn't find a palace; they found a child in a humble, probably messy, stable. God meets you in the messy stable of your current life—not the perfected palace of your resolutions. This year, let’s stop trying to resolve our lives and start trying to reveal them. Let the light of the Epiphany show you the way, one small, patient step at a time. Walking Together at Holy Family Counseling Center If navigating these internal movements feels overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to follow the star alone. At Holy Family Counseling Center , we specialize in walking alongside individuals and families as they integrate their psychological health with their Catholic faith. Whether you are struggling to identify your Herod or simply need a safe space to process the myrrh in your life, our clinicians are here to help you find that other way toward healing and peace.

When and How to Make Amends: Discernment, Boundaries, and the Catholic Call to Healing

By Peter Attridge, PhD • November 11, 2025
As a Catholic therapist, I often sit with clients who are wrestling with a deeply human question: When is it the right time to make amends ? Whether it’s reaching out to someone who has hurt them, or considering their own responsibility in a fractured relationship, the process of healing often leads us into the tender territory of reconciliation. But forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same thing. Forgiveness is something we’re called to offer freely—an act of the will that releases resentment and gives us peace, even when the other person hasn’t apologized. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is a step that involves two people. And discerning when—or even if—that step should be taken requires wisdom, prayer, and often, boundaries. Let’s explore how we can approach this process with care and courage, supported by both therapeutic tools and the richness of our Catholic faith. Discerning the Right Time to Make Amends Discernment is a familiar concept in Catholic life. We use it to seek God's will in big decisions—vocations, careers, relationships. But it’s just as important in the smaller, more personal moments too, like choosing when to reach out to someone who has hurt us, or someone we may have hurt. Therapy can be a valuable space for this kind of discernment. Sometimes the desire to make amends comes from a sincere place of healing and readiness. Other times, it may be driven by guilt, pressure, or a longing for closure that the other person may not be able to give. In our sessions, I often help clients explore their motivations. Are you seeking peace, or permission? Healing, or validation? Discernment is about honesty—with yourself, with God, and with your emotional limits. St. Ignatius of Loyola offers a helpful framework for discernment rooted in prayerful reflection, noticing the movements of the heart. If the thought of reconciliation brings a sense of peace, courage, and compassion, it may be time. If it stirs anxiety, dread, or a sense of obligation, it may be wise to wait, or to approach things differently. The Role of Boundaries in Forgiveness and Healing One of the most common misconceptions I hear, especially among people of faith, is that setting boundaries is somehow un-Christian. But in truth, boundaries are acts of love —toward ourselves and others. They help define what is safe, respectful, and life-giving in a relationship. Forgiveness does not mean allowing someone to continue harming us. Christ calls us to forgive, yes, even “seventy times seven” times (Matthew 18:22), but He does not call us to abandon prudence or endure abuse. Remember, even Jesus withdrew from hostile crowds at times (John 10:39), and He taught that reconciliation involves both repentance and change (Luke 17:3-4). In therapy, we often work on developing “healthy boundaries” that allow us to engage with others from a place of strength and safety. For example, it’s okay to forgive a parent for past wounds without allowing them to manipulate your present life. It’s okay to love a sibling from a distance if closeness continues to result in harm. And it’s okay to hope for reconciliation without forcing it to happen. Boundaries are not walls; they are gates. They give us the freedom to let people in—but only when it is healthy and appropriate to do so. Making Amends with Compassion and Clarity If and when the time does come to make amends, whether as the person extending forgiveness or the one asking for it, approaching the conversation with humility and clarity is essential. We can take inspiration from the Sacrament of Reconciliation, where the process of confession involves examining our conscience, naming our sins, expressing true contrition, and receiving both forgiveness and guidance. Similarly, when making amends in our personal lives, we begin by acknowledging what happened—not defensively, but honestly. We share how the situation has affected us. We listen. We don’t demand immediate restoration, but we open the door to it. And sometimes, we might take that step and find that the other person isn’t ready. Or they respond with defensiveness, denial, or more harm. That’s when we return to our boundaries. Forgiveness is still possible, but reconciliation may need to remain a hope rather than a present reality. Spiritual Guidance Along the Way Throughout this process, our faith can be an anchor. Prayer becomes a conversation with the God who knows every wound and walks with us through every step of healing. The saints offer examples of both radical forgiveness and wise discernment. St. Monica, for instance, teaches us about perseverance in love and prayer without enabling harmful behavior. St. Maria Goretti’s story is often cited for her forgiveness, but we also remember her clarity in saying no to harm. And of course, the Sacraments nourish us. Receiving the Eucharist strengthens us to love like Christ. Confession helps us experience God’s mercy, so we can extend it more freely to others. Spiritual direction can also be helpful when navigating complex relationships and emotional burdens through a faith-based lens. Trusting the Slow Work of Healing Making amends and setting boundaries aren’t one-time decisions. They are part of an ongoing, unfolding process of healing. We may feel ready one day and hesitant the next. That’s okay. Forgiveness is not linear, and relationships—especially broken ones—rarely heal overnight. But I’ve seen firsthand the beauty that emerges when people engage in this work with courage. When they honor both their pain and their desire for peace. When they protect their hearts with boundaries, but still remain open to love. And when they trust that, even if reconciliation is not possible now, it may one day be—with God’s grace. In Conclusion If you’re in the midst of wrestling with whether to make amends, take heart. It’s not an easy decision, and it doesn’t have to be rushed. Therapy can offer tools and support. Your faith can offer wisdom and hope. And both can help you move forward with peace. Forgiveness will always be a part of the journey. But reconciliation? That’s something we discern, with prayer and prudence. And no matter where you land—whether you reach out, stay silent, or hold space from afar—you are not alone in the journey. If you haven’t yet read Part One of this series, I encourage you to explore the foundations of forgiveness and healing in both therapy and Catholic tradition. That post dives into the inner process of releasing pain and embracing God’s mercy—a powerful first step before considering reconciliation. May you be filled with gentleness, wisdom, and the peace that comes from the One who forgave us first. Forgiveness can feel impossible at times—but it’s also one of the most healing gifts we can give ourselves. If you're carrying the weight of resentment or hurt and feel ready to explore a path toward release and peace, therapy can help. At Holy Family Counseling Center , we create a safe space to process the past, understand your emotions, and move forward with intention. Connect with us when you're ready—we’re here to walk that path with you.

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

By Peter Attridge, PhD • October 27, 2025
Forgiveness & Healing: Therapy and Catholic Perspectives on Reconciliation