Good Shepherd Newsletter 11

Staff

Competency 11: The Advent of Stress

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

Adventus. Arrival. The arrival of Christ in our hearts, in the world, and into God’s extraordinary plan for our salvation. Th e season of Advent is upon us. With it comes not only the call to spiritual preparation for Christmas, but also the nearly inherent need to manage the stress of the season. We’ve come to expect the bombardment of consumer commercialism, countdowns to Christmas and, as pastoral ministers, the vigilance necessary to keep Christ in Christmas for ourselves and others.


A. Parts Work

In the midst of this season, priestly formation along with the fruit of spiritual direction has sought to plant seeds of an individual call to personal integration. It is in that sense that we continue to work at bringing together in a psycho-spiritual wholesome manner both the best and the most challenged parts of ourselves. It is precisely this notion of “parts” that is being addressed here. While a unifi ed self is the goal, the implication is that there are “parts” to bring together. It’s not that we’re saying we all have a form of Dissociative (Multiple) Personality Disorder, but rather that we have aspects of our personality that oft en unconsciously are at work, or at war, within us.


At our September Convocation of Priests at Lake Lanier, Dr. LeNoir gave us an introduction to our “ internal family” of parts (Internal Family Systems/ IFS Th eory). He mentioned all of us having suppressed “Exiled”/ wounded/ fragile parts that are protected and controlled by our internal “Managers” and indulged and placated by our “Firefi ghters”. Dr. LeNoir sought to help us understand that these confl icted parts of ourselves are misguided attempts at self nurturing. He tried to assist us to learn that the real goal is parenting ourselves with a Holy Spirit inspired soothing and compassionate love. Ultimately, this is the key to being fulfi lled.


A parallel to IFS is commonly referred to as the Drama Triangle. In this downward pointing triangle three archetypes of our personality are proposed. At the downward point is the role of “victim”. Th e other two points of the triangle are the “Rescuer” and the “Persecutor”. It is important to point out that all the roles in the Triangle are fl uid, i.e. each role may switch and assume the other two roles both internally and externally with others. Whenever anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well.


Not surprisingly, Victims often feel victimized, trapped, helpless and hopeless. They are convinced they are at the mercy of life’s circumstances. Unwilling to take responsibility for their undesirable circumstances, they don’t think they have the power to change their lives and communicate the need to be rescued and often cast blame on Persecutors. If the Victims continue to stay in a ‘dejected’ stance, it will prevent them from making decisions, solving problems, changing the current state, or sensing any satisfaction or achievement.


Rescuers on the other hand constantly intervene on behalf of the Victims and try to save Victims from perceived harm. They feel guilty standing by and watching others suffer. While Rescuers may be well intentioned in their attempts to ‘help’ others, they fail to realize that by offering short-term fixes to Victims, they keep Victims dependent while neglecting their own needs. This is why Rescuers often find themselves pressured, tired, and may not have time to finish their own tasks, as they are busy coming to the aid of Victims.


In this paradigm, Persecutors are like critical parents who are strict and firm and set boundaries. Their tendency is to think that their perspective must win at any cost. Persecutors blame Victims and criticize the behavior of Rescuers without providing appropriate guidance, assistance, or solutions. Skilled at being critical and finding fault, and seeking to control while establishing order with rigidity. They keep the Victims oppressed and sometimes can be a bully.


As in IFS, the goal of working with these parts is inner reconciliation and transformation. The Drama Triangle becomes an inverted Empowerment Triangle pointing upward with the Victim transformed into the Creator at the pinnacle, focusing on outcomes and solution options rather than problems. At the bottom points of this redeemed triangle, the Rescuers become Coaches, who with compassion and faith in the potential of the creator offer goals and action plans. The role of Persecutor is transformed into that of Challenger, challenging notions of the status quo and striving for growth and development.


B. Opting out of the Drama Triangle

The way in which we manage conflict in our professional and personal lives is largely determined by our upbringing and early environments. These early prototypes also determine whether or not we choose to participate in drama and conflict. Do you recognize the victim’s voice saying, “Why does this always happen to me?”; or the Persecutor justifying actions by stating, “If you would have only done what I told you.”; or the Rescuer who is only happy when helping others?


Lack of self awareness can prevent us from realizing the cost of staying in the triangle and how it impacts our well-being and happiness in the long run. The first step in improving how we handle stress in relationships, and within ourselves, is to acknowledge it and take responsibility to change it. Understanding the drama triangle and different roles represented can allow us to identify our own patterns and be willing to change them. Recognizing patterns is not always easy. Think of the last conversation you had where you were sad, angry, or lonely afterwards. Play that conversation over in your head, as much as you can remember. Do you see what role from the drama triangle you were playing? Was the other person also taking on a role, or were they not engaging in the conflict?


We are creatures of habit and develop routines for almost every aspect of our lives. This includes conflict. We respond in similar ways to stimuli that we have experienced before. But we are not beholden to these reactions. By being aware of our roles and responses we can set boundaries with ourselves, and with others, to slowly start to change the patterns that we recognize to be harmful. Psychologist Acey Choy developed the Winner’s Triangle to counteract the Drama Triangle:


Vulnerable. The vulnerable person allows their emotional process when they’re having a rough time, but knows that they have the resources and abilities to find their own path and get their needs met. They can ask for help but won’t take a ‘No’ as a personal slight. They will respect another’s autonomy to set a boundary.


Responsible. A responsible person is a caring individual but rather than enabling dependent behavior, they will encourage empowerment. They will recognise that their help is most effective when showing someone in a vulnerable position that they’re able to stand on their own two feet. They will be able to set healthy and respectful boundaries, being honest about their own needs, and being able to meet them within the responsible role.


Potent/Assertive. The potent/assertive position is someone who actively meets their own needs and drives, but unlike a persecutor, they won’t need to do it at the expense of anyone else. They will be good problem solvers and negotiators, finding a way to meet their needs, without shaming, belittling, or picking on others. When we are able to opt out of the drama triangle we allow ourselves breathing room and the ability to lower our overall stress.


C. Stress Management

Stress is a universal experience. It is how our mind and bodies handle the tasks and situations that are set before them. No one in the history of mankind has been able to escape stress, not even our Lord or his Mother. When discussing strategies for good stress management is it helpful to make a distinction between Distress and Eustress.


Distress is often referred to as negative stress, as this causes our bodies to produce cortisol and somatic responses that put the body in a fight, flight, or freeze mentality. This puts a load on the body and mind from which often is difficult to recover, especially as more distress is added or encountered. Distress typically comes about when we feel a threat to our identity, in particular to how we see ourselves or how we think others see us as “good” (good is quotation due to the fact many people can have different ways of measuring what they need to do in order to be considered good). Many times you can identify when you are in distress when you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk or demanding self-talk. “ I must deliver a homily that changes the heart of my congregation, or else I am not a good pastor”, “ This meeting must go well, or the event won’t happen, and I won’t be the good pastor I feel the Lord is calling me to be.”, “In order to be a good pastor I should know how to love any soul that comes my way”. This negative self-talk comes from the threat that if a certain result is not achieved then my identity as a good pastor, person, or son of God is threatened to be true, which typically can result in a feeling of helplessness and being overwhelmed. As we will discuss below, the ways to combat distress will focus on how to let go of the result of the situation and focus on how to grow.


Eustress is referred to as positive stress. This is the stress you experience when you are trying to improve at something and it pushes you to keep getting better. For example, studying for a test in order to gain a better understanding of the subject material, or working on developing skills like playing an instrument in order to develop your musical abilities. This is typically positive because it provides motivation and drive without invoking the intense somatic response that is associated with distress. Eustress is typically influenced by our ability to perceive an opportunity for growth rather than a threat to our fundamental identity. One can tell that he is experiencing eustress from the self-talk he has which typically recognizes limitations, is adaptable, and focused on the next step rather than the result. . “I hope that I am able to help people understand the importance of Christ. I would like to share with those I can, the incredible gift of Christ becoming incarnate”, “ I have high hopes for the event going well. If we experience hiccups along the way, I will use them as an opportunity to learn how to plan the next event”, “I would love to be able to help this soul, however, I am not sure what would be the best course of action. I would like to consult my friend on how he would recommend the process”. This self-talk allows the person to recognize that it is okay to have limitations, while not allowing the limitation stop him from growing and developing insights to give a better homily, prepare for events, or how to be attentive to individuals. It allows the person to recognize the value that they are good not because of the result they are able to produce but rather because of the gift God has given them to be able participate in his work. This is reminiscent of the quote from St. Mother Teresa “God has not called me to be successful, He called me to be Faithful”.


A helpful framework to keep in mind when managing stress is to focus on how you cultivate restoration and rest versus distraction and vegging out. Restoration helps the person transition from distressing task by providing themselves w/ a space that allows them let go of the distressing task/ situation, This can include things like prayer, honing skills like: playing an instrument, wood working, art, writing, or other creative means, and spending time with close friends, and exercise. Rest is important as sometimes our minds and bodies need a moment of quiet and silence. This helps the person receive some time to recharge and be able to face stressful situations again. Some helpful resting strategies included allowing yourself to have some alone time, sleep, being outdoors, and to do mindfulness exercise (examination of body and mind). The key to rest is allowing yourself to receive and listen to your body and mind. While in restoration we allow ourselves to focus on continuing to develop skills while giving ourselves permission that we don’t need to have everything accomplished today. Distraction and ‘vegging’ are typically not as helpful when dealing with distress. It may help to quiet the negative self-talk for a moment, but it comes back later. When handling stress we want to help ourselves promote a mentality of St. Pope John XXII, “Lord, it is your Church, I am going to bed”.


As we prepare for the arrival of our Lord, it is good to remember that Mary and Joseph faced their own stresses as they prepared for the birth of our Savior. Stress is completely natural. We owe it to ourselves to face the adversity that causes our stress and prepare ourselves by accepting who we are, recognizing our patterns and committing to change.

Strengthening Marriages: Therapy and the Catholic Vision of Sacramental Love

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.

Navigating Grief and Loss: Therapy and the Catholic Theology of Hope and Resurrection

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • August 15, 2025
Grief & Hope: Therapy and Catholic Teachings on Loss and Eternal Life Grief is something that touches all of us eventually. It may arrive suddenly with the death of a loved one, linger quietly through the end of a relationship, or follow the quiet disappointment of a long-held dream falling apart. Whatever the cause, the pain of loss often arrives uninvited and stays longer than we expect. It can leave us feeling like the ground beneath our feet has shifted, upending our sense of security, meaning, and identity. In these moments, therapy offers a way to make sense of the pain, to find meaning in suffering, and — slowly but surely — to begin healing. For people of faith, particularly within the Catholic tradition, grief is not something to be merely endured. It’s something that can be transformed through the lens of Christ’s death and resurrection. By combining psychological support with theological hope, the journey through grief can become not just a passage through sorrow, but also a path toward deeper love, connection, and peace. The Complexity of Grief: Not a Straight Line One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence. Many of us are familiar with the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are helpful in recognizing the emotions involved in loss, but they’re not a strict roadmap. Real grief is messy (see our blog article here ). It doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days, you might feel like you’ve made peace with the loss; on others, a small memory can unravel you unexpectedly. Therapists understand this complexity. In therapy, you’re given a space to express the full range of your emotions without judgment. That in itself can be healing—being able to cry, vent, or sit silently and just be seen. Many therapists use grief specific approaches to help people understand the depth of their emotions and develop tools to cope. These approaches focus not only on processing the pain but also on exploring the significance of the relationship that was lost and the meaning that can still be drawn from it. For some, however, grief becomes more than sorrow. It becomes stuck. This form of suffering, often referred to as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder (PGD), involves intense, long-lasting emotions that disrupt daily life and relationships. These symptoms can include persistent yearning, preoccupation with the loss, emotional numbness, or an inability to experience joy. When grief lingers and paralyzes rather than gradually integrates into life, therapy becomes not just helpful—it becomes essential. In these more complex cases, the goal is to help individuals accept the reality of their loss while reengaging with life in meaningful ways. It’s not about forgetting or moving on. It’s about learning to carry grief differently—to make space for both sorrow and hope. A Catholic Lens on Death, Loss, and What Comes After While therapy addresses the psychological and emotional dimensions of grief, Catholic theology speaks to the spiritual side of the experience. Our faith doesn’t deny the sorrow of death. It fully acknowledges the pain of separation, the weight of absence. But it also insists—gently but firmly—that death is not the final word. At the heart of our faith is the resurrection of Christ. This central truth shapes how Catholics understand death—not as an end, but as a passage to new life. In the Gospel of John, Jesus offers the words that echo across centuries: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25–26). These words are not a dismissal of grief; they are an anchor in the storm of sorrow, a promise that love is stronger than death. This belief is not just abstract theology. It’s woven into the very rituals that surround death. Catholic funeral rites, including the Vigil, the Funeral Mass, and the Rite of Committal, are structured to help mourners grieve, pray, and hope. The Mass of Christian Burial is both a farewell and a celebration. It entrusts the soul of the deceased to God’s mercy while comforting those left behind with prayers, Scripture, and the Eucharist—a visible sign of Christ’s victory over death. We also draw comfort from the communion of saints—the belief that the faithful, living and deceased, remain united in Christ. This sense of connection helps many people feel that their loved ones are not lost to them, but remain close in spirit, interceding and awaiting reunion in eternal life. It transforms the relationship, but it does not sever it. According to The Catholic Free Press, prayer during and after the funeral, the support of the faith community, and the hope of resurrection all contribute to easing the sting of grief. This hope doesn’t erase the sadness, but it surrounds it with meaning. Finding Healing in the Integration of Therapy and Faith What’s truly powerful is the way that therapy and faith can work together in times of loss. You don’t have to choose between the two. In fact, integrating both can offer the most comprehensive support. Therapy provides the space to wrestle with painful emotions, while faith gives language to mystery, sorrow, and redemption. Some therapists incorporate a client’s spiritual beliefs directly into the therapeutic process. A Catholic might be invited to reflect on Scripture, to write a letter to their loved one as a form of prayer, or to explore the concept of redemptive suffering—that even in our pain, we are united with Christ. These spiritual practices can offer comfort and a sense of sacredness during a time that might otherwise feel chaotic and empty. Faith can also inspire action in grief. Many people find healing in honoring their loved one through acts of love and service—volunteering, creating something meaningful, or simply continuing traditions that keep memories alive. These acts don’t make the grief go away, but they help reframe it as something that can shape your life with beauty and purpose. Community plays a vital role here too. Being part of a parish, attending grief support groups, or simply leaning on trusted friends in faith can make an incredible difference. Shared prayer, communal rituals, and simply being around others who “get it” can bring relief that is both emotional and spiritual. Moving Through Grief Toward New Life It’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Love doesn’t end when someone dies. It changes form. Grief is a sign of love, and love, in the Catholic tradition, is eternal. This perspective is beautifully echoed in the words of St. Augustine: “If you knew the gift of God and what heaven is... wipe away your tears and weep no more if you love me” ( Our Sunday Visitor ). These aren’t instructions to suppress sorrow, but reminders that death is not the end of the story. When we allow ourselves to grieve fully, supported by therapy and guided by faith, we begin to see how grief itself can be transformed. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes lighter, more manageable. It makes room for joy again, for connection, and for a deeper appreciation of the people still present in our lives. In time, those who grieve may find themselves living not in spite of loss, but in honor of it—carrying forward the love they received, guided by the hope of eternal reunion, and strengthened by the compassionate tools of therapy and the enduring promises of their faith. Final Reflection Grief will never be easy, but it can be holy. It can be a time of brokenness and also of deep transformation. With the help of compassionate therapists and the enduring light of Catholic hope, it is possible to find meaning, peace, and even renewal in the shadow of loss. You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it’s sitting with a therapist, lighting a candle at Mass, whispering a prayer through tears, or simply reaching out to someone who understands—every small step matters. Together, therapy and Catholic theology remind us that grief is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a testament to love. And love, in the end, is what endures. Healing begins with connection—and taking the first step can be the hardest part. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or simply curious about how therapy could help, we invite you to connect with us at Holy Family Counseling Center. Our team is here to listen, support, and walk alongside you with care and intention. Send us a message or give us a call—we’re ready when you are.

The Way Retreat

July 10, 2025
Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting The Way Retreat with Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC