Working Toward a Happy Catholic Marriage

Dr. Tom Spudic

“What me worry?”

-Alfred E. Newman


“I’ve been married now for 25 years. You know what that is? That’s 10 good years!”–Dave Ramsey


Happy marriage is like building a beautiful building – – together. 50 years ago I embarked on that “building project”. Thanks be to God the “building” is still standing and thriving. But 50 years ago, I had little idea about how to create a beautiful building. I had no idea how difficult, challenging and painful at times it would be. Call me “clueless”.  I had fallen in love with my wife and thought that was all there was to happiness. It is a common theme in our society. We often mistake the part for the whole, by believing that romantic love is the only kind of love that really counts.


I eventually realized that romantic love, glorious as it is (believe me I’m a big fan!), is not and cannot be constant. At times, life, including married life, is not pleasant. If I’m going to stay happily married I need to develop the other forms of love that go beyond romantic love: friendship, love of family, and sacrificial love. 


Let me use a sports analogy. If you have ever trained for sport, you know that there are certain times in that activity that are just plain miserable. Wind sprints, sore muscles, sweating in the hot sun, chronic injuries—none of these are a cause for rejoicing. The less we have practiced and the more “out of shape”, the tougher it is to keep working. Still, we continue because there’s something wonderful on the horizon. If sports are wonderful, happy marriage can be 10 times greater. But like success in anything else, a happy (or “happier”) marriage requires some sacrifice and suffering. We understand that when it comes to sports, school, business, etc. For some reason, it is never assumed when it comes to marriage. If we are going to succeed in a sport, we must first train for it. How many of us have even thought about training for marriage? Huh? You mean prepare to be a good (or at least better) spouse? Me? Are you serious?


After many years of marriage counseling and 50 years of my own marriage, I am convinced that a happy marriage is highly unlikely until I get serious about changing/improving ME! I emphasized that in the last newsletter. No matter how challenging or difficult my spouse may be, until I get serious about being a more loving spouse, I am unlikely to make much progress at all. To be sure, if a spouse is addicted to alcohol, is abusive, is mentally ill, etc. the other spouse is not to blame. I am not suggesting that we should take up responsibility for our spouse’s real character flaws. On the contrary, sometimes we need to speak up more assertively and in some cases a spouse may need to leave the situation.


However, I am also convinced that virtually all of us need to get much better at listening to our spouses, affirming their goodness, recognizing their efforts and loving our spouse unconditionally, the way that God loves us. How good are you that? Speaking for myself, I still have plenty of work to do.


As with most couples, there have been tumultuous and difficult times in my marriage.  I’m generally a pretty good husband, but I have blind spots. Early in our marriage, I was prone to hurt my wife with particular words that brought up, for her, old wounds. Not having lived her life, I couldn’t imagine why she was reacting so strongly and angrily. From my perspective, I was convinced that she “had a problem”, not I. However, on one occasion it got through to me just how miserable and painful my words could be. I want to emphasize that I was not being purposefully mean. However, I was looking at the situation entirely through my eyes and was clueless about how much pain that was causing to this woman that I, supposedly, loved. Such marital conflict, spurred on by a failure to truly listen and see the world through one spouse’s eyes, is common.


So, at that time I decided that no matter how unfairly I thought I was being treated, I was going to focus exclusively on being a better husband, at least in those areas where I had direct control. I eventually looked at the guy in the mirror and said: “You know, Tom, sometimes you can be a real jerk! Forget about her. You have some work to do!” And I worked to be a better husband. I know my wife was not then and is not now perfect. She would be the first to tell you that. That doesn’t matter. As a Christian husband, I am called to love her the way that she deserves to be loved. Sometimes sincere attempts to be a more understanding, affirming spouse, causes the other person to change. However, my devotion to change cannot be depend on her doing it first! I need to change simply because I promised to love her the way that she deserves to be loved, no matter what. It doesn’t matter how wounded, depressed, angry or confused she may be at a given time. I did promise to love her. Besides, I’m not always easy to love!!!


This is not a magic formula. Change in marriage, like any other great adventure, takes time. But if we are to achieve a happier marriage, we have to make a strong commitment to look at ourselves. To be blunt, without that, anything else that we say is “hot air”. Unfortunately, such commitment is rather rare – – at least initially. We are prideful people. Change requires humility.  In my own case, it took a while before I realized how much I had to change.


I would suggest that, if you want lasting happiness in marriage, your first commitment must be becoming a better person – – a more empathic, loving, caring, compassionate person. Doing so brings a sense of peace, even in the most difficult of circumstances. It implies that you must become a better Catholic/Christian. 


Even the happiest marriage is not pleasant every moment of the day. Yet, I am convinced that contentment, joy and peace are all quite achievable in marriage. It takes a great commitment to self-examination, devotion to hard work, the development of some skills, and an ironclad commitment to love our spouse the way that God loves us. A happy marriage is worth working for. It is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.


Recommendation:

Rate yourself, 1-10, on how well you do at loving your spouse the way she/he deserves to be loved. If you gave yourself a good score (and feel brave), ask your spouse for her own rating of you. If your spouse gives you a good rating, keep it up. If (s)he has a particular recommendation for behavior change (that’s not immoral or illegal), try it out and see how well it works toward your goal of being a better spouse. If you gave yourself a low score, what might you do about it? More strategies to come in future Newsletters.


By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.
By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT August 15, 2025
Grief & Hope: Therapy and Catholic Teachings on Loss and Eternal Life Grief is something that touches all of us eventually. It may arrive suddenly with the death of a loved one, linger quietly through the end of a relationship, or follow the quiet disappointment of a long-held dream falling apart. Whatever the cause, the pain of loss often arrives uninvited and stays longer than we expect. It can leave us feeling like the ground beneath our feet has shifted, upending our sense of security, meaning, and identity. In these moments, therapy offers a way to make sense of the pain, to find meaning in suffering, and — slowly but surely — to begin healing. For people of faith, particularly within the Catholic tradition, grief is not something to be merely endured. It’s something that can be transformed through the lens of Christ’s death and resurrection. By combining psychological support with theological hope, the journey through grief can become not just a passage through sorrow, but also a path toward deeper love, connection, and peace. The Complexity of Grief: Not a Straight Line One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence. Many of us are familiar with the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are helpful in recognizing the emotions involved in loss, but they’re not a strict roadmap. Real grief is messy (see our blog article here ). It doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days, you might feel like you’ve made peace with the loss; on others, a small memory can unravel you unexpectedly. Therapists understand this complexity. In therapy, you’re given a space to express the full range of your emotions without judgment. That in itself can be healing—being able to cry, vent, or sit silently and just be seen. Many therapists use grief specific approaches to help people understand the depth of their emotions and develop tools to cope. These approaches focus not only on processing the pain but also on exploring the significance of the relationship that was lost and the meaning that can still be drawn from it. For some, however, grief becomes more than sorrow. It becomes stuck. This form of suffering, often referred to as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder (PGD), involves intense, long-lasting emotions that disrupt daily life and relationships. These symptoms can include persistent yearning, preoccupation with the loss, emotional numbness, or an inability to experience joy. When grief lingers and paralyzes rather than gradually integrates into life, therapy becomes not just helpful—it becomes essential. In these more complex cases, the goal is to help individuals accept the reality of their loss while reengaging with life in meaningful ways. It’s not about forgetting or moving on. It’s about learning to carry grief differently—to make space for both sorrow and hope. A Catholic Lens on Death, Loss, and What Comes After While therapy addresses the psychological and emotional dimensions of grief, Catholic theology speaks to the spiritual side of the experience. Our faith doesn’t deny the sorrow of death. It fully acknowledges the pain of separation, the weight of absence. But it also insists—gently but firmly—that death is not the final word. At the heart of our faith is the resurrection of Christ. This central truth shapes how Catholics understand death—not as an end, but as a passage to new life. In the Gospel of John, Jesus offers the words that echo across centuries: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25–26). These words are not a dismissal of grief; they are an anchor in the storm of sorrow, a promise that love is stronger than death. This belief is not just abstract theology. It’s woven into the very rituals that surround death. Catholic funeral rites, including the Vigil, the Funeral Mass, and the Rite of Committal, are structured to help mourners grieve, pray, and hope. The Mass of Christian Burial is both a farewell and a celebration. It entrusts the soul of the deceased to God’s mercy while comforting those left behind with prayers, Scripture, and the Eucharist—a visible sign of Christ’s victory over death. We also draw comfort from the communion of saints—the belief that the faithful, living and deceased, remain united in Christ. This sense of connection helps many people feel that their loved ones are not lost to them, but remain close in spirit, interceding and awaiting reunion in eternal life. It transforms the relationship, but it does not sever it. According to The Catholic Free Press, prayer during and after the funeral, the support of the faith community, and the hope of resurrection all contribute to easing the sting of grief. This hope doesn’t erase the sadness, but it surrounds it with meaning. Finding Healing in the Integration of Therapy and Faith What’s truly powerful is the way that therapy and faith can work together in times of loss. You don’t have to choose between the two. In fact, integrating both can offer the most comprehensive support. Therapy provides the space to wrestle with painful emotions, while faith gives language to mystery, sorrow, and redemption. Some therapists incorporate a client’s spiritual beliefs directly into the therapeutic process. A Catholic might be invited to reflect on Scripture, to write a letter to their loved one as a form of prayer, or to explore the concept of redemptive suffering—that even in our pain, we are united with Christ. These spiritual practices can offer comfort and a sense of sacredness during a time that might otherwise feel chaotic and empty. Faith can also inspire action in grief. Many people find healing in honoring their loved one through acts of love and service—volunteering, creating something meaningful, or simply continuing traditions that keep memories alive. These acts don’t make the grief go away, but they help reframe it as something that can shape your life with beauty and purpose. Community plays a vital role here too. Being part of a parish, attending grief support groups, or simply leaning on trusted friends in faith can make an incredible difference. Shared prayer, communal rituals, and simply being around others who “get it” can bring relief that is both emotional and spiritual. Moving Through Grief Toward New Life It’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Love doesn’t end when someone dies. It changes form. Grief is a sign of love, and love, in the Catholic tradition, is eternal. This perspective is beautifully echoed in the words of St. Augustine: “If you knew the gift of God and what heaven is... wipe away your tears and weep no more if you love me” ( Our Sunday Visitor ). These aren’t instructions to suppress sorrow, but reminders that death is not the end of the story. When we allow ourselves to grieve fully, supported by therapy and guided by faith, we begin to see how grief itself can be transformed. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes lighter, more manageable. It makes room for joy again, for connection, and for a deeper appreciation of the people still present in our lives. In time, those who grieve may find themselves living not in spite of loss, but in honor of it—carrying forward the love they received, guided by the hope of eternal reunion, and strengthened by the compassionate tools of therapy and the enduring promises of their faith. Final Reflection Grief will never be easy, but it can be holy. It can be a time of brokenness and also of deep transformation. With the help of compassionate therapists and the enduring light of Catholic hope, it is possible to find meaning, peace, and even renewal in the shadow of loss. You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it’s sitting with a therapist, lighting a candle at Mass, whispering a prayer through tears, or simply reaching out to someone who understands—every small step matters. Together, therapy and Catholic theology remind us that grief is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a testament to love. And love, in the end, is what endures. Healing begins with connection—and taking the first step can be the hardest part. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or simply curious about how therapy could help, we invite you to connect with us at Holy Family Counseling Center. Our team is here to listen, support, and walk alongside you with care and intention. Send us a message or give us a call—we’re ready when you are.
July 10, 2025
Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting The Way Retreat with Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC