Working Toward a Happy Catholic Marriage

Dr. Tom Spudic

“What me worry?”

-Alfred E. Newman

“I’ve been married now for 25 years. You know what that is? That’s 10 good years!”–Dave Ramsey


Happy marriage is like building a beautiful building – – together. 50 years ago I embarked on that “building project”. Thanks be to God the “building” is still standing and thriving. But 50 years ago, I had little idea about how to create a beautiful building. I had no idea how difficult, challenging and painful at times it would be. Call me “clueless”.  I had fallen in love with my wife and thought that was all there was to happiness. It is a common theme in our society. We often mistake the part for the whole, by believing that romantic love is the only kind of love that really counts.


I eventually realized that romantic love, glorious as it is (believe me I’m a big fan!), is not and cannot be constant. At times, life, including married life, is not pleasant. If I’m going to stay happily married I need to develop the other forms of love that go beyond romantic love: friendship, love of family, and sacrificial love. 


Let me use a sports analogy. If you have ever trained for sport, you know that there are certain times in that activity that are just plain miserable. Wind sprints, sore muscles, sweating in the hot sun, chronic injuries—none of these are a cause for rejoicing. The less we have practiced and the more “out of shape”, the tougher it is to keep working. Still, we continue because there’s something wonderful on the horizon. If sports are wonderful, happy marriage can be 10 times greater. But like success in anything else, a happy (or “happier”) marriage requires some sacrifice and suffering. We understand that when it comes to sports, school, business, etc. For some reason, it is never assumed when it comes to marriage. If we are going to succeed in a sport, we must first train for it. How many of us have even thought about training for marriage? Huh? You mean prepare to be a good (or at least better) spouse? Me? Are you serious?


After many years of marriage counseling and 50 years of my own marriage, I am convinced that a happy marriage is highly unlikely until I get serious about changing/improving ME! I emphasized that in the last newsletter. No matter how challenging or difficult my spouse may be, until I get serious about being a more loving spouse, I am unlikely to make much progress at all. To be sure, if a spouse is addicted to alcohol, is abusive, is mentally ill, etc. the other spouse is not to blame. I am not suggesting that we should take up responsibility for our spouse’s real character flaws. On the contrary, sometimes we need to speak up more assertively and in some cases a spouse may need to leave the situation.


However, I am also convinced that virtually all of us need to get much better at listening to our spouses, affirming their goodness, recognizing their efforts and loving our spouse unconditionally, the way that God loves us. How good are you that? Speaking for myself, I still have plenty of work to do.


As with most couples, there have been tumultuous and difficult times in my marriage.  I’m generally a pretty good husband, but I have blind spots. Early in our marriage, I was prone to hurt my wife with particular words that brought up, for her, old wounds. Not having lived her life, I couldn’t imagine why she was reacting so strongly and angrily. From my perspective, I was convinced that she “had a problem”, not I. However, on one occasion it got through to me just how miserable and painful my words could be. I want to emphasize that I was not being purposefully mean. However, I was looking at the situation entirely through my eyes and was clueless about how much pain that was causing to this woman that I, supposedly, loved. Such marital conflict, spurred on by a failure to truly listen and see the world through one spouse’s eyes, is common.


So, at that time I decided that no matter how unfairly I thought I was being treated, I was going to focus exclusively on being a better husband, at least in those areas where I had direct control. I eventually looked at the guy in the mirror and said: “You know, Tom, sometimes you can be a real jerk! Forget about her. You have some work to do!” And I worked to be a better husband. I know my wife was not then and is not now perfect. She would be the first to tell you that. That doesn’t matter. As a Christian husband, I am called to love her the way that she deserves to be loved. Sometimes sincere attempts to be a more understanding, affirming spouse, causes the other person to change. However, my devotion to change cannot be depend on her doing it first! I need to change simply because I promised to love her the way that she deserves to be loved, no matter what. It doesn’t matter how wounded, depressed, angry or confused she may be at a given time. I did promise to love her. Besides, I’m not always easy to love!!!


This is not a magic formula. Change in marriage, like any other great adventure, takes time. But if we are to achieve a happier marriage, we have to make a strong commitment to look at ourselves. To be blunt, without that, anything else that we say is “hot air”. Unfortunately, such commitment is rather rare – – at least initially. We are prideful people. Change requires humility.  In my own case, it took a while before I realized how much I had to change.


I would suggest that, if you want lasting happiness in marriage, your first commitment must be becoming a better person – – a more empathic, loving, caring, compassionate person. Doing so brings a sense of peace, even in the most difficult of circumstances. It implies that you must become a better Catholic/Christian. 


Even the happiest marriage is not pleasant every moment of the day. Yet, I am convinced that contentment, joy and peace are all quite achievable in marriage. It takes a great commitment to self-examination, devotion to hard work, the development of some skills, and an ironclad commitment to love our spouse the way that God loves us. A happy marriage is worth working for. It is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.


Recommendation:

Rate yourself, 1-10, on how well you do at loving your spouse the way she/he deserves to be loved. If you gave yourself a good score (and feel brave), ask your spouse for her own rating of you. If your spouse gives you a good rating, keep it up. If (s)he has a particular recommendation for behavior change (that’s not immoral or illegal), try it out and see how well it works toward your goal of being a better spouse. If you gave yourself a low score, what might you do about it? More strategies to come in future Newsletters.

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

By Peter Attridge, PhD • October 27, 2025
Forgiveness & Healing: Therapy and Catholic Perspectives on Reconciliation

Your Thoughts Lead the Way

By Irene Rowland, MS, LPC • September 16, 2025
We often have more control than we realize. I’m going to lead you through an exercise in order to illustrate this point. Visualize a tree with deep roots and a strong trunk leading up into beautiful branches and leaves. Oftentimes, we retain concepts better if we can see it mapped out. To that end, let’s do a little art therapy together and when you have completed your masterpiece, you can put it on your refrigerator or somewhere that you’ll notice it often: First draw a tree trunk with the roots showing. Under half of the roots write the word FEAR in dark, shaky, ominous looking letters. Under the other half of the roots write LOVE in happy looking handwriting (maybe pretty cursive if you dare). Vertically up the tree trunk write “thoughts/beliefs”. Now it’s time to add lots of branches, twigs, and leaves. Among these branches, add the wording “actions/behaviors” throughout the branches. If you are looking for extra credit, add a variety of nice healthy looking fruit and some rotting fruit with flies. Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” In most circumstances, at the root of our thoughts is either fear or love. These thoughts then drive our actions and behaviors. Sometimes we are coming from a solid, healthy place and other times from a shaky, fear based place. This is worth looking at in order to grow more and more into the emotionally healthy individual we have the potential to become. All fear based thinking is not detrimental obviously. God created us with healthy fight or flight instincts for when we are in actual danger. This is of course a good thing. For purposes of learning how to live a more emotionally balanced life, we’re looking at thoughts that come from an unhealthy fear which could potentially drive behaviors and actions that don’t serve us well. Thoughts Drive Behavior There are ten top cognitive distortions. Let’s break this down a little. Cognitive means having to do with the brain. Distortions are things that are twisted, so basically cognitive distortions are twisted, unhealthy or irrational thoughts. We have more control over our lives if we operate from a place of clear, healthy, rational thoughts. Everyone experiences some of these types of thoughts so it’s good to know that it’s “normal”. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters. Do we buy into the lie that we’ve told ourselves or do we remind ourselves of the truth? If you tracked these negative thoughts throughout the week, it would be surprising to see how often this happens. Let’s look at the top 10 cognitive distortions. They’re not in any particular order but we each have a pattern of our “favorites” that we default to when we engage in what some call “stinking thinking”. All or Nothing Thinking - also known as black and white thinking. Usually things in life aren’t 100% one way or the other and the truth is somewhere in between in the gray area. Words such as never and always fall into this category. The words usually, often and sometimes are probably more truthful in most circumstances. Overgeneralizing - an example would be seeing an event as a never-ending pattern. A student with good grades being concerned that they’re going to flunk a course because of one failing quiz grade is a good example of this. Mental Filter - dwelling on the negatives and ignoring the positives. When this happens, the mind dwells on the glass being half empty. This is not only discouraging for the person who chooses to live this way, but also makes it difficult for others to be around them often. Discounting Positives - an example is not giving any credit for that which is good in a person and only paying attention to what needs improvement. Jumping to Conclusions- the thoughts don’t always match the facts. There are subsets of this type of distorted thinking. One is Mind Reading when we assume we know what the other person is thinking for instance. This is a common relationship issue. We need to state what we have to say instead of believing the other person already knows. Fortune Telling also is a way that we oftentimes falsely decide that we know how something is going to happen. We all know those who have had something negative happen in the morning and then decide that this is going to be a bad day. Their negative thinking is usually what propels the rest of the day to be less than desirable. Their self-fulfilling prophesy informs how they choose to handle the rest of the day. Magnification and Minimization - making things larger or smaller than they actually are. We’ve all seen a mountain made out of a molehill or something huge being discounted as being trivial. Emotional Reasoning - letting feelings be regarded as truth such as I feel unworthy therefore I am. Should Statements - when we use should/should not, must, have to or similar language about ourselves or others, we are self-bullying or other bullying. An example would be if a person thought that as a good parent they have to read a bedtime story every night to their child. The truth is that as a good parent, they get to/are happy to read a story nightly but they could still be a good parent without imposing this on themselves. A parent with a migraine could let their child know that they’re not feeling well and will read two stories the next night and still fulfill their idea of being a good parent. Labeling -calling oneself a loser for instance because you made mistakes, instead of stating the truth that you made a mistake. Self-Blame and Other-Blame -taking on blame that isn’t rightfully all yours or blaming others when the fault lies partially with you also. All of these unhealthy ways of thinking can cause us to have inappropriate responses to life’s situations. When we have a negative thought, we need to slow down and ask ourselves if it’s legitimately true or have we exaggerated or added incorrect meaning to a situation. When we operate from a place of truth, our behaviors are going to be more sane, more productive, life-giving and fruitful. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, practice paying attention to your thoughts. If they are true, operate from that place for the best outcomes. If the thoughts are not truthful and therefore won’t serve you well, it’s time to regroup and remind yourself of what the actual truth is. It’s ok to have your initial thought be an unlovely, negative thought that’s untrue. What matters is what you do with it. Hopefully your response is to turn it around into the truth and proceed from there. Looking for cognitive distortions can be like a treasure hunt. Your response of countering with the truth is pure gold. If this exercise resonated with you, try repeating the “Thought Tree” once a day for a week and notice one cognitive distortion you catch—then practice swapping it for a truer, kinder thought. If you'd like help applying these tools in therapy, please contact visit Holy Family Counseling Center . If you ever feel overwhelmed or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact local emergency services or the 988 Lifeline immediately. Small shifts in how we think add up—you're not alone on this path to greater emotional health.

Strengthening Marriages: Therapy and the Catholic Vision of Sacramental Love

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.