Building a Happy Catholic Marriage

Marriage is quite an education. We never stop learning, but we don’t really “graduate”. I enrolled (officially) in the “University of Linda”, June 28, 1969. I married the Dean of Students and Chief Instructor. She’s had a difficult job. However, l’ve  not been expelled and l’m proud that my grades have improved.


I should have known marriage would be a challenge. Once, before we got married, we went to eight different shoe stores and couldn’t find the “right” shoes. Do you know how many shoes we saw? For what? I spent more time in shoe stores that day than I had in my whole life. To borrow a phrase, was I marrying a Martian?


Marriage is often the most joyous, rewarding, uplifting and confusing thing that you’II ever experience! lt’s mysterious, but love and marriage is worth exploring. I hope we can share some of the happiness, virtues and skills that make for a happy (or at least happier) marriage. That’s my hope for this Newsletter. I hope we all enjoy it, even if we remain, at times, happily confused.


Why is happy Catholic marriage important? A happy marriage is one of the most desired goals for the majority of Americans and likely most citizens of the world. Statistically speaking, average marriages produce significant benefits in longevity, wealth, physical health, healthy connections with our children, lowered risk of mental illness, lower risk of addiction, lower risk of incarceration, etc. (see The Case for Marriage, Waite & Gallagher, 2000) lf we can get those results from average marriages, what might be the benefits of more happy marriages?


But what about the Catholic part? Why does that matter? A lot relates to what the Catechism refers to as the “Domestic Church”. Saint John Paul II referred to the family as the “Domestic Church”, a “school” where we learn how to love. Want to change the world? He suggested we should start by learning how to better love within our own families. Maybe I should start by learning how to better love my own wife (or husband).


When thinking about marriage, we often make three serious mistakes. Our first mistake is believing that happy marriages are constantly pleasant! lf we consider love to be just a feeling, we know that NO feeling lasts forever. That should tell us something. We need to take some of those giddy romantic feelings and use them to build the other types of friendship and compassionate love that we’II need in other phases of our marriage. No honeymoon lasts forever.


From a Christian point of view, Jesus led the “happiest” of earthly lives, by living a life of total virtue and fulfillment of the Father’s will . He did it not just for himself, but for the entire world. He is our Savior. For the unbeliever, however, his life could be viewed as one of misery and unhappiness. Jesus’ earthly life ended on the cross, humiliated, scorned, and murdered for telling the truth. lf we are to live a happy married life, we are likely to spend some time “on the cross”. There is no such thing as cheap happiness {or to quote Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “cheap Grace”). In the words of Saint Teresa of Calcutta, if you have not greatly suffered, you’ve not really loved. lt doesn’t mean we have to seek out suffering or create it. But, the happiest of marriages will not be pleasant every single moment. What a paradox in this society to proclaim that love doesn’t just involve pleasure, but that in its purest form it also involves pain! Who’s gonna tell Hollywood?


So, having bumped into this first unpleasant reality {that happy marriages are not constantly pleasant–bummer!), we bump into a second mistaken belief. That belief says happy marriages don’t require much work. But it’s not true. Happy marriages often require considerable effort, especially when it comes to honoring and understanding our spouse. (What? I have to work on my marriage? What fun is that? lf you really love each other, shouldn’t it really be pretty easy? Well … No!)

Remember that we are striving to achieve one of the most wonderful blessings in human existence. Why would this be achieved without some effort? Champion athletes devote years of study/hard work to their craft, knowing there is NO guarantee of success. But they also know their skill levels will increase if they practice. So, a happy marriage takes some effort and practice. Who would have guessed?


There is a third mistake we make when thinking about happy marriage: We forget that the person who needs to do most of the work is ME, not my spouse. Virtually no one wants to hear that, but it is the truth. One of the biggest factors in the failure of marital therapy and marriages generally, is the conviction that the other person is the one who needs to get” fixed”. That reality has held not just for the people I work with in counseling- – it has held for me personally.


So what is the take away from this discussion of happy Catholic marriage? No matter how wonderful, happy Catholic marriage is not pleasant every single moment. As joyous as marriage can be (and it is incredibly joyous), there will be sacrifice. Furthermore, no matter how undeniably flawed your spouse may be, your entire focus needs to be on YOU. Our call as Christian spouses is to get much better at loving our spouse, the way that God loves us. My job is not to fix my spouse. My job is to become a better, more loving me. No one can do my job for me.


Recommendation:

Reflect for five minutes on how well you love your spouse the way she/he deserves to be loved. How good are you at listening to your spouse and seeing the world through her/his eyes? lf you are anything like me, you will see that there is a good deal of work to be done. The work needs to start with removing the log from my own eye, not the splinter from hers. Future Newsletters will discuss how to do that.

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

By Peter Attridge, PhD • October 27, 2025
Forgiveness & Healing: Therapy and Catholic Perspectives on Reconciliation

Your Thoughts Lead the Way

By Irene Rowland, MS, LPC • September 16, 2025
We often have more control than we realize. I’m going to lead you through an exercise in order to illustrate this point. Visualize a tree with deep roots and a strong trunk leading up into beautiful branches and leaves. Oftentimes, we retain concepts better if we can see it mapped out. To that end, let’s do a little art therapy together and when you have completed your masterpiece, you can put it on your refrigerator or somewhere that you’ll notice it often: First draw a tree trunk with the roots showing. Under half of the roots write the word FEAR in dark, shaky, ominous looking letters. Under the other half of the roots write LOVE in happy looking handwriting (maybe pretty cursive if you dare). Vertically up the tree trunk write “thoughts/beliefs”. Now it’s time to add lots of branches, twigs, and leaves. Among these branches, add the wording “actions/behaviors” throughout the branches. If you are looking for extra credit, add a variety of nice healthy looking fruit and some rotting fruit with flies. Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” In most circumstances, at the root of our thoughts is either fear or love. These thoughts then drive our actions and behaviors. Sometimes we are coming from a solid, healthy place and other times from a shaky, fear based place. This is worth looking at in order to grow more and more into the emotionally healthy individual we have the potential to become. All fear based thinking is not detrimental obviously. God created us with healthy fight or flight instincts for when we are in actual danger. This is of course a good thing. For purposes of learning how to live a more emotionally balanced life, we’re looking at thoughts that come from an unhealthy fear which could potentially drive behaviors and actions that don’t serve us well. Thoughts Drive Behavior There are ten top cognitive distortions. Let’s break this down a little. Cognitive means having to do with the brain. Distortions are things that are twisted, so basically cognitive distortions are twisted, unhealthy or irrational thoughts. We have more control over our lives if we operate from a place of clear, healthy, rational thoughts. Everyone experiences some of these types of thoughts so it’s good to know that it’s “normal”. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters. Do we buy into the lie that we’ve told ourselves or do we remind ourselves of the truth? If you tracked these negative thoughts throughout the week, it would be surprising to see how often this happens. Let’s look at the top 10 cognitive distortions. They’re not in any particular order but we each have a pattern of our “favorites” that we default to when we engage in what some call “stinking thinking”. All or Nothing Thinking - also known as black and white thinking. Usually things in life aren’t 100% one way or the other and the truth is somewhere in between in the gray area. Words such as never and always fall into this category. The words usually, often and sometimes are probably more truthful in most circumstances. Overgeneralizing - an example would be seeing an event as a never-ending pattern. A student with good grades being concerned that they’re going to flunk a course because of one failing quiz grade is a good example of this. Mental Filter - dwelling on the negatives and ignoring the positives. When this happens, the mind dwells on the glass being half empty. This is not only discouraging for the person who chooses to live this way, but also makes it difficult for others to be around them often. Discounting Positives - an example is not giving any credit for that which is good in a person and only paying attention to what needs improvement. Jumping to Conclusions- the thoughts don’t always match the facts. There are subsets of this type of distorted thinking. One is Mind Reading when we assume we know what the other person is thinking for instance. This is a common relationship issue. We need to state what we have to say instead of believing the other person already knows. Fortune Telling also is a way that we oftentimes falsely decide that we know how something is going to happen. We all know those who have had something negative happen in the morning and then decide that this is going to be a bad day. Their negative thinking is usually what propels the rest of the day to be less than desirable. Their self-fulfilling prophesy informs how they choose to handle the rest of the day. Magnification and Minimization - making things larger or smaller than they actually are. We’ve all seen a mountain made out of a molehill or something huge being discounted as being trivial. Emotional Reasoning - letting feelings be regarded as truth such as I feel unworthy therefore I am. Should Statements - when we use should/should not, must, have to or similar language about ourselves or others, we are self-bullying or other bullying. An example would be if a person thought that as a good parent they have to read a bedtime story every night to their child. The truth is that as a good parent, they get to/are happy to read a story nightly but they could still be a good parent without imposing this on themselves. A parent with a migraine could let their child know that they’re not feeling well and will read two stories the next night and still fulfill their idea of being a good parent. Labeling -calling oneself a loser for instance because you made mistakes, instead of stating the truth that you made a mistake. Self-Blame and Other-Blame -taking on blame that isn’t rightfully all yours or blaming others when the fault lies partially with you also. All of these unhealthy ways of thinking can cause us to have inappropriate responses to life’s situations. When we have a negative thought, we need to slow down and ask ourselves if it’s legitimately true or have we exaggerated or added incorrect meaning to a situation. When we operate from a place of truth, our behaviors are going to be more sane, more productive, life-giving and fruitful. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, practice paying attention to your thoughts. If they are true, operate from that place for the best outcomes. If the thoughts are not truthful and therefore won’t serve you well, it’s time to regroup and remind yourself of what the actual truth is. It’s ok to have your initial thought be an unlovely, negative thought that’s untrue. What matters is what you do with it. Hopefully your response is to turn it around into the truth and proceed from there. Looking for cognitive distortions can be like a treasure hunt. Your response of countering with the truth is pure gold. If this exercise resonated with you, try repeating the “Thought Tree” once a day for a week and notice one cognitive distortion you catch—then practice swapping it for a truer, kinder thought. If you'd like help applying these tools in therapy, please contact visit Holy Family Counseling Center . If you ever feel overwhelmed or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact local emergency services or the 988 Lifeline immediately. Small shifts in how we think add up—you're not alone on this path to greater emotional health.

Strengthening Marriages: Therapy and the Catholic Vision of Sacramental Love

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.