Good Shepherd Newsletter 4

Staff

Competency 4: Spiritual Fatherhood

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

This competency will focus on empowering priests to become more committed, accessible, and engaged in their role as spiritual fathers to their parishioners in a healthy and sustainable manner.


A. PATERNITY - The ideal of paternity and what it means to be a father in the real world. What is the role of a father?


Society is in need of fathers. The figure of positivity and authority, standing next to their children with a spirit of love and creativity is seen less and less. The absence of fathers is seen in the insecurity of young people and the increasing desire to put off adulthood. In his book, Father: Will There Still Be Priests in Church’s Future?, Massimo Camisaca states that when fathers are not present, children struggle to connect with reality, enduring it but not facing it. As foster father to Jesus, Joseph stands as one of the most well-known fathers in history. In this year of St. Joseph, we use the model of his role as a father to understand how fathers, both spiritual and biological, can strive towards the ideal that he set forth.


From Darth Vader to Atticus Finch, the idea of what it means to be a father has been portrayed numerous times throughout popular culture. Some fathers, like Mr. Finch, are morally steadfast and attuned to their children’s emotions. On the dark side of the spectrum, fathers like Darth Vader are morally ambiguous, ignore their children, are extremely selfish, and generally toxic. In our personal lives, and in the experiences of vocation, we have probably seen fathers that fall between these two extremes. In both these examples, the reach of being a father extended beyond that of their biological children and affected many of those around them.


The traditional assumption has been that a father’s role is to provide, protect, and establish a path forward for his family. Historically, father’s have been viewed as providers that go out to work and return each day; their efforts put food on the table and provide a safe place for their families to live, while providing ongoing direction. This view of providing is somewhat limited. Research indicates that the role of fathers encompasses much more than material provisions. Emotional intelligence, confidence, and safety are also aspects of what fathers bring to their families.


many different responsibilities. On any given day, a priest may be the first responder to a family going through a significant loss. Perhaps you will be directing family members on the role of ethics in end-of-life decisions. Other days involve the role of catechist, teaching young and old about the faith, and still other days require you to be a confessor, consoling those as they unburden themselves. Lastly, you are also an administrator; handling budgets, schedules, and employees. Managing these roles can be difficult, especially when multiple roles are required every day. Using St. Joseph as a paradigm for godly example of paternity, Pope Francis in his apostolic letter Patris Corde lays out seven ways in which St. Joseph implemented his fatherhood. A summary of the criteria follows:For priests, the role of spiritual father is one that carries aspects of what was noted above along with 


  1. A beloved father: Joseph lived his role as a father by sacrificing his life to the mystery of the incarnation.
  2. A tender and loving father: Though he had fears and uncertainties, Joseph helped to raise Jesus and teach him about the world.
  3. An obedient father: Joseph always followed the will of God the Father, remaining steadfast in his role as head of the family and following the guidance of God.
  4. An accepting father: Joseph accepted the course of events in his life, he set aside himself and accepted things the way they were.
  5. A creatively courageous father: Joseph faced many problems, and willingly embraced them, turning problems into possibilities. 
  6. A working father: Joseph has long been known as the worker and work is often seen as our own way in participating in the work of salvation, putting our talents and abilities in service to others.
  7. A father in the shadows: the work Joseph did was not always seen, yet we know through the life of Jesus that he had a great effect.


A spiritual fatherhood is also one that takes on a person’s formation, their education and training as an integrated individual and member of a community, even without a biological relationship. This is the example offered to us by St. Joseph. Jesus was entrusted to Joseph by God the father. The people served in parishes are also entrusted by Another. The duties and responsibilities of today’s priests are becoming more challenging with each passing year. It is so easy to find yourself stretched to the point of breaking, discouraged, allowing your priorities to get out of balance, overwhelmed with text and emails thus affecting your personal life as well as your vocation to the Church.


Working with families on a daily basis, priests have a very clear understanding of the demands of fatherhood in the role of a family. So often, fathers struggle with the daily challenges and expectations of work, married life and raising children. They are often so busy taking care of everyone else that they often put their own needs last. Does this sound familiar to you?


Borrowing from Ephesians 5 and the millennia of Roman Catholic Christian tradition, priests are married to Christ’s church and are the spiritual father to many. In order to meet the needs of so many and still do the work that is pleasing to Our Father, it is important and healthy to establish boundaries and safeguards to insure productivity as well as maintain a healthy balance personally. Trying to embrace St. Paul’s example of being all things to all people (1Cor 9:22), we can be our own worst enemy trying to be everything to everyone. That can be a perilous expectation, perhaps achievable in moments by God’s grace, yet not sustainable without healthy boundaries and safeguards.


B. Spiritual Paternity - Priests are countercultural

Admittedly, the Trinity is not the first subject that came to mind when preparing to discuss spiritual fatherhood. Yet once pondering it, beginning with the God we together with Jesus call Father made perfect sense. At the very center of our faith is the lived celebration of the new covenant of kinship with God who is revealed to us first and foremost as “Father”. God creates and is thus Father to humanity, a brother to us in the person and incarnation of the Son, and a blessed companion in the Holy Spirit of love.


God as Father is the starting point of our credal formulas, reminding us that it is through the love of God the Father that we are given the gift of the Son through the power of the Holy Spirit (John 3:16). Throughout his public ministry Jesus proclaims the message that God loves the children of humanity as a “Father”, and mother for that matter, love their own children (Cf: Matthew 23:27 and Luke 13:34). With this in mind the foundational inspiration for the Church’s understanding throughout the centuries that the ministry of spiritual fatherhood strives at putting into practice the love of God for all humanity.


We remember with a tenderness that yields a sense of consolation how in Mark 14:36 Jesus addresses His Father (and ours) as “Abba, Father” in His prayer in Gethsemane. In Romans 8:15, “Abba, Father” is mentioned in relation to the Spirit’s work of adoption that makes us God’s children and heirs with Christ. Then in Galatians 4:6, again in the context of adoption, the Spirit in our hearts cries out, “Abba, Father”. Scripture passages such as these inspire the very venerable tradition of understanding that the work of spiritual fatherhood is to transmit this fatherly love of God for all people and to make it tangible in the life of every Christian seeking spiritual nourishment and guidance. This nourishment and guidance is encapsulated in the message that God is a father to us and that he loves each of us personally. No wonder that from the Desert Fathers and Mothers of early Christianity until today we call our ordained ministers “Father”, for they are called to provide parental spiritual nourishment and guidance to the faithful they shepherd.


Celebrating godly fatherhood in the witness of St. Joseph, Pope Francis begins his recent Apostolic Letter Patris Corde saying: “WITH A FATHER’S HEART: that is how Joseph loved Jesus….” The letter then goes on to say that:


“After Mary, the Mother of God, no saint is mentioned more frequently in the papal magisterium than Joseph, her spouse. My Predecessors reflected on the message contained in the limited information handed down by the Gospels in order to appreciate more fully his central role in the history of salvation. Blessed Pius IX declared him “Patron of the Catholic Church”, Venerable Pius XII proposed him as “Patron of Workers” and St. John Paul II as “Guardian of the Redeemer”. Saint Joseph is universally invoked as the “patron of a happy death.”


Quoting St. John Chrysostom Pope Francis celebrates how St. Joseph put himself in the service of the entire plan of salvation precisely by being a tender and loving spouse to Mary as he was equally a tender and loving father to Jesus. The letter then speaks of St. Joseph’s other virtues as being prayerfully obedient and accepting, displaying creative courage in the face of difficulties, hard working and humble…noting that fathers are not born, but made. The Holy Father admonishes that a man does not become a father simply by bringing a child into the world, but by taking up the responsibility to care for that child, noting that whenever a man accepts responsibility for the life of another, in some way he becomes a father to that person.


Worthy of note too are the spiritual disciplines of Catholic Watchmen out of the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. Discipline three is “Striving to be a spiritual father like St. Joseph.” They encourage an awareness of entering into a “Spiritual Combat” where a “man persistently commits to ‘step into the breach’ (Ezek 22:30) to be a protector, provider and leader for his family, his parish and for the Church.” They strongly encourage that persistent vigilance is essential because while many men are “good dads” who attempt to provide for their children’s necessities (shelter, food, education, etc.), what is required in spiritual fatherhood are men who shepherd many souls (especially their own children) to become adopted children of God. For them: “It is every Catholic man’s duty to be a spiritual father.” Responding to this paternal vocation is a grace filled task that demands persistent and prayerful discernment of oneself and others.


C. Maintaining Good Boundaries as a Spiritual Father

As we strive to live out the virtues that God has infused in us and work to become our “best spiritual father,” we need to be clear about the boundaries we put into place with ourselves and others that will result in good health, happiness, and holiness. Boundaries are what happen when we sense what we need and want and then use our voice to speak those things. Priests often have their limits violated by parishioners or others that are needy, overly dependent, and have high expectations. Most of the time this is not intentional on the part of the other person. Boundaries need to be clearly defined and communicated—always with kindness, courage, respect, and forgiveness, if there is a violation. Here are guidelines for boundary setting in 4 areas along with questions to ponder:

1. PHYSICAL— Includes needs for personal space, comfort with touch, and physical needs like rest, eating food, and drinking water. It is okay to tell people you don’t want to be touched except for a handshake or that you need more space. It is also okay to set a certain amount of time to be present with parishioners and family to visit with them. Then when that time is up, politely excuse yourself to address your physical needs. Some examples of communicating physical boundaries are:


  1. “I need to eat. I am going to go grab something.”
  2. “Don’t go into my room without asking first.”

How often will you accept invitations to eat/visit with parishioners? How much time do you need alone vs. with others? How much time do you need with family and friends to lessen burnout and feel invigorated? Are you getting adequate sleep (approximately 8 hours). If not, what is the reason? Remember to allow your personality to help guide you. Extroverts may want to spend more time with others while introverts may need more time alone to recharge.


2. EMOTIONAL— Includes respect and honor for feelings and energy. Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, knowing when to share and when not to share, and limiting emotional sharing with people who respond poorly. Respecting emotional boundaries means validating the feelings of others and making sure you respect their ability to take in emotional information.


We violate emotional boundaries when we:

  • Dismiss and criticize others’ feelings
  • Ask questions that are not appropriate for the relationship
  • Read or go through other’s personal and emotional information
  • Ask people to justify their feelings
  • Assume we know how other people feel
  • Tell other people how they feel
  • “Emotionally dump” on people without their permission

How would I assess myself in these areas of emotional boundary violations?


3. TIME— Recognizing that your time is valuable, it is important to define priorities then allocate adequate time for work/doing and rest/being. We can communicate boundaries regarding time by saying statements or asking questions such as: •

  • “I can’t come this weekend.”
  • “I can only stay for an hour.”
  • “Do you have time to chat today?”
  • “I would love to help, but I would be overcommitting myself. Is there another time?”


Some examples of violated time boundaries look like:

  • Demanding time from people without asking.
  • Keeping people in conversations or on tasks for longer than we told them we would. Showing up late or canceling on people without properly notifying them.
  • Contacting people when they said they would be unavailable.


Do I know my priorities? Do I need to change how I schedule my time so that I have a better balance between doing and being? Am staying emotionally nourished? Am I too needy by looking for others to entertain or guide me rather than knowing my own needs/wants?


4. INTELLECTUAL—Includes thoughts, ideas, and ability to be curious. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of other people with a willingness to understand the other person. Intellectual boundaries can be violated when thoughts and curiosity are shut down, dismissed, or belittled. Some statements that could be useful in conversation include: •

  • “I know we disagree, but I won’t let you belittle me like that.”
  • “I would love to talk about this more, but I don’t think talking about it during Thanksgiving dinner is the best time.”
  • “When we talk about this, we don’t get very far. I think it is a good idea to avoid the conversation right now.”
  • “I can respect that we have different opinions on this.”


We need not accept all other opinions nor do you need to continue in conversations where our intellectual boundaries are being disrespected.


Am I able to recognize when another person is disrespecting my opinion and then set a boundary to discontinue the conversation? Do I belittle or dismiss others who are trying to share information with me and reciprocate a willingness to try to understand. (Earnshaw, 2019).


Remember, it is important and healthy to establish boundaries and safeguards to ensure a healthy balance both personally and in our vocations. Often, we can be our own worst enemies when we try to be everything to everyone. Healthy boundaries will help you to become the happy, healthy, and holy priest that was the goal of being a priest when your vocation was first realized. All forms of fatherhood come through Him who is our eternal Father. As spiritual fathers we enter into His school and attempt to learn His methods as closely as possible. Through discovery as God as our father we can become the fathers that he wants us to be, and that our people deserve.

When and How to Make Amends: Discernment, Boundaries, and the Catholic Call to Healing

By Peter Attridge, PhD • November 11, 2025
As a Catholic therapist, I often sit with clients who are wrestling with a deeply human question: When is it the right time to make amends ? Whether it’s reaching out to someone who has hurt them, or considering their own responsibility in a fractured relationship, the process of healing often leads us into the tender territory of reconciliation. But forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same thing. Forgiveness is something we’re called to offer freely—an act of the will that releases resentment and gives us peace, even when the other person hasn’t apologized. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is a step that involves two people. And discerning when—or even if—that step should be taken requires wisdom, prayer, and often, boundaries. Let’s explore how we can approach this process with care and courage, supported by both therapeutic tools and the richness of our Catholic faith. Discerning the Right Time to Make Amends Discernment is a familiar concept in Catholic life. We use it to seek God's will in big decisions—vocations, careers, relationships. But it’s just as important in the smaller, more personal moments too, like choosing when to reach out to someone who has hurt us, or someone we may have hurt. Therapy can be a valuable space for this kind of discernment. Sometimes the desire to make amends comes from a sincere place of healing and readiness. Other times, it may be driven by guilt, pressure, or a longing for closure that the other person may not be able to give. In our sessions, I often help clients explore their motivations. Are you seeking peace, or permission? Healing, or validation? Discernment is about honesty—with yourself, with God, and with your emotional limits. St. Ignatius of Loyola offers a helpful framework for discernment rooted in prayerful reflection, noticing the movements of the heart. If the thought of reconciliation brings a sense of peace, courage, and compassion, it may be time. If it stirs anxiety, dread, or a sense of obligation, it may be wise to wait, or to approach things differently. The Role of Boundaries in Forgiveness and Healing One of the most common misconceptions I hear, especially among people of faith, is that setting boundaries is somehow un-Christian. But in truth, boundaries are acts of love —toward ourselves and others. They help define what is safe, respectful, and life-giving in a relationship. Forgiveness does not mean allowing someone to continue harming us. Christ calls us to forgive, yes, even “seventy times seven” times (Matthew 18:22), but He does not call us to abandon prudence or endure abuse. Remember, even Jesus withdrew from hostile crowds at times (John 10:39), and He taught that reconciliation involves both repentance and change (Luke 17:3-4). In therapy, we often work on developing “healthy boundaries” that allow us to engage with others from a place of strength and safety. For example, it’s okay to forgive a parent for past wounds without allowing them to manipulate your present life. It’s okay to love a sibling from a distance if closeness continues to result in harm. And it’s okay to hope for reconciliation without forcing it to happen. Boundaries are not walls; they are gates. They give us the freedom to let people in—but only when it is healthy and appropriate to do so. Making Amends with Compassion and Clarity If and when the time does come to make amends, whether as the person extending forgiveness or the one asking for it, approaching the conversation with humility and clarity is essential. We can take inspiration from the Sacrament of Reconciliation, where the process of confession involves examining our conscience, naming our sins, expressing true contrition, and receiving both forgiveness and guidance. Similarly, when making amends in our personal lives, we begin by acknowledging what happened—not defensively, but honestly. We share how the situation has affected us. We listen. We don’t demand immediate restoration, but we open the door to it. And sometimes, we might take that step and find that the other person isn’t ready. Or they respond with defensiveness, denial, or more harm. That’s when we return to our boundaries. Forgiveness is still possible, but reconciliation may need to remain a hope rather than a present reality. Spiritual Guidance Along the Way Throughout this process, our faith can be an anchor. Prayer becomes a conversation with the God who knows every wound and walks with us through every step of healing. The saints offer examples of both radical forgiveness and wise discernment. St. Monica, for instance, teaches us about perseverance in love and prayer without enabling harmful behavior. St. Maria Goretti’s story is often cited for her forgiveness, but we also remember her clarity in saying no to harm. And of course, the Sacraments nourish us. Receiving the Eucharist strengthens us to love like Christ. Confession helps us experience God’s mercy, so we can extend it more freely to others. Spiritual direction can also be helpful when navigating complex relationships and emotional burdens through a faith-based lens. Trusting the Slow Work of Healing Making amends and setting boundaries aren’t one-time decisions. They are part of an ongoing, unfolding process of healing. We may feel ready one day and hesitant the next. That’s okay. Forgiveness is not linear, and relationships—especially broken ones—rarely heal overnight. But I’ve seen firsthand the beauty that emerges when people engage in this work with courage. When they honor both their pain and their desire for peace. When they protect their hearts with boundaries, but still remain open to love. And when they trust that, even if reconciliation is not possible now, it may one day be—with God’s grace. In Conclusion If you’re in the midst of wrestling with whether to make amends, take heart. It’s not an easy decision, and it doesn’t have to be rushed. Therapy can offer tools and support. Your faith can offer wisdom and hope. And both can help you move forward with peace. Forgiveness will always be a part of the journey. But reconciliation? That’s something we discern, with prayer and prudence. And no matter where you land—whether you reach out, stay silent, or hold space from afar—you are not alone in the journey. If you haven’t yet read Part One of this series, I encourage you to explore the foundations of forgiveness and healing in both therapy and Catholic tradition. That post dives into the inner process of releasing pain and embracing God’s mercy—a powerful first step before considering reconciliation. May you be filled with gentleness, wisdom, and the peace that comes from the One who forgave us first. Forgiveness can feel impossible at times—but it’s also one of the most healing gifts we can give ourselves. If you're carrying the weight of resentment or hurt and feel ready to explore a path toward release and peace, therapy can help. At Holy Family Counseling Center , we create a safe space to process the past, understand your emotions, and move forward with intention. Connect with us when you're ready—we’re here to walk that path with you.

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

By Peter Attridge, PhD • October 27, 2025
Forgiveness & Healing: Therapy and Catholic Perspectives on Reconciliation

Your Thoughts Lead the Way

By Irene Rowland, MS, LPC • September 16, 2025
We often have more control than we realize. I’m going to lead you through an exercise in order to illustrate this point. Visualize a tree with deep roots and a strong trunk leading up into beautiful branches and leaves. Oftentimes, we retain concepts better if we can see it mapped out. To that end, let’s do a little art therapy together and when you have completed your masterpiece, you can put it on your refrigerator or somewhere that you’ll notice it often: First draw a tree trunk with the roots showing. Under half of the roots write the word FEAR in dark, shaky, ominous looking letters. Under the other half of the roots write LOVE in happy looking handwriting (maybe pretty cursive if you dare). Vertically up the tree trunk write “thoughts/beliefs”. Now it’s time to add lots of branches, twigs, and leaves. Among these branches, add the wording “actions/behaviors” throughout the branches. If you are looking for extra credit, add a variety of nice healthy looking fruit and some rotting fruit with flies. Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” In most circumstances, at the root of our thoughts is either fear or love. These thoughts then drive our actions and behaviors. Sometimes we are coming from a solid, healthy place and other times from a shaky, fear based place. This is worth looking at in order to grow more and more into the emotionally healthy individual we have the potential to become. All fear based thinking is not detrimental obviously. God created us with healthy fight or flight instincts for when we are in actual danger. This is of course a good thing. For purposes of learning how to live a more emotionally balanced life, we’re looking at thoughts that come from an unhealthy fear which could potentially drive behaviors and actions that don’t serve us well. Thoughts Drive Behavior There are ten top cognitive distortions. Let’s break this down a little. Cognitive means having to do with the brain. Distortions are things that are twisted, so basically cognitive distortions are twisted, unhealthy or irrational thoughts. We have more control over our lives if we operate from a place of clear, healthy, rational thoughts. Everyone experiences some of these types of thoughts so it’s good to know that it’s “normal”. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters. Do we buy into the lie that we’ve told ourselves or do we remind ourselves of the truth? If you tracked these negative thoughts throughout the week, it would be surprising to see how often this happens. Let’s look at the top 10 cognitive distortions. They’re not in any particular order but we each have a pattern of our “favorites” that we default to when we engage in what some call “stinking thinking”. All or Nothing Thinking - also known as black and white thinking. Usually things in life aren’t 100% one way or the other and the truth is somewhere in between in the gray area. Words such as never and always fall into this category. The words usually, often and sometimes are probably more truthful in most circumstances. Overgeneralizing - an example would be seeing an event as a never-ending pattern. A student with good grades being concerned that they’re going to flunk a course because of one failing quiz grade is a good example of this. Mental Filter - dwelling on the negatives and ignoring the positives. When this happens, the mind dwells on the glass being half empty. This is not only discouraging for the person who chooses to live this way, but also makes it difficult for others to be around them often. Discounting Positives - an example is not giving any credit for that which is good in a person and only paying attention to what needs improvement. Jumping to Conclusions- the thoughts don’t always match the facts. There are subsets of this type of distorted thinking. One is Mind Reading when we assume we know what the other person is thinking for instance. This is a common relationship issue. We need to state what we have to say instead of believing the other person already knows. Fortune Telling also is a way that we oftentimes falsely decide that we know how something is going to happen. We all know those who have had something negative happen in the morning and then decide that this is going to be a bad day. Their negative thinking is usually what propels the rest of the day to be less than desirable. Their self-fulfilling prophesy informs how they choose to handle the rest of the day. Magnification and Minimization - making things larger or smaller than they actually are. We’ve all seen a mountain made out of a molehill or something huge being discounted as being trivial. Emotional Reasoning - letting feelings be regarded as truth such as I feel unworthy therefore I am. Should Statements - when we use should/should not, must, have to or similar language about ourselves or others, we are self-bullying or other bullying. An example would be if a person thought that as a good parent they have to read a bedtime story every night to their child. The truth is that as a good parent, they get to/are happy to read a story nightly but they could still be a good parent without imposing this on themselves. A parent with a migraine could let their child know that they’re not feeling well and will read two stories the next night and still fulfill their idea of being a good parent. Labeling -calling oneself a loser for instance because you made mistakes, instead of stating the truth that you made a mistake. Self-Blame and Other-Blame -taking on blame that isn’t rightfully all yours or blaming others when the fault lies partially with you also. All of these unhealthy ways of thinking can cause us to have inappropriate responses to life’s situations. When we have a negative thought, we need to slow down and ask ourselves if it’s legitimately true or have we exaggerated or added incorrect meaning to a situation. When we operate from a place of truth, our behaviors are going to be more sane, more productive, life-giving and fruitful. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, practice paying attention to your thoughts. If they are true, operate from that place for the best outcomes. If the thoughts are not truthful and therefore won’t serve you well, it’s time to regroup and remind yourself of what the actual truth is. It’s ok to have your initial thought be an unlovely, negative thought that’s untrue. What matters is what you do with it. Hopefully your response is to turn it around into the truth and proceed from there. Looking for cognitive distortions can be like a treasure hunt. Your response of countering with the truth is pure gold. If this exercise resonated with you, try repeating the “Thought Tree” once a day for a week and notice one cognitive distortion you catch—then practice swapping it for a truer, kinder thought. If you'd like help applying these tools in therapy, please contact contact us at 678-993-8494 or visit Holy Family Counseling Center . If you ever feel overwhelmed or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact local emergency services or the 988 Lifeline immediately. Small shifts in how we think add up—you're not alone on this path to greater emotional health.