Good Shepherd Newsletter 1

Staff

Competency 1: Resiliency

Posted by  on April 20, 2020

Resiliency will be elaborated upon by the following three points: reclaiming the incarnational humanity in human activity (human being vs human doing); the primacy of prayer for every Christian soul, especially for leaders; discerning emotional, spiritual, and leadership health.


A. Reclaim being a human being rather than a human doing, i.e., slow down.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear...,

and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.” —1 John 4: 18

Here’s a fundamentally important question that we too infrequently ask ourselves: Is my tendency to act out of fear or out of love? A qualified “Well, it depends” seems reasonable enough. Yet what transparent answer would prayerful reflection yield? Generally speaking, acting out of fear is about control and safety. Acting out of love looks more like acceptance, openness, listening, trust, and understanding.


Contrary to control, love is unfiltered and unflinching attention. More than mere affection, love is the opposite of fear. This comparison may provide cause to consider St. Paul’s words to the Corinthians as a corrective rather than a discourse on love: Love is patient! Love is kind! It is not jealous, pompous, inflated, or rude! It is not quick-tempered, nor does it brood over injury! Love does not seek its own interests, or rejoices over wrongdoing but rather rejoices with the truth!


For a working example let’s consider the Archbishop’s Annual Appeal. When the assessment is levied and efforts feel burdensome and/or insufficient — the fear of not meeting an expected goal for whatever reason looms large in a parish priest’s psyche. Responses to this annual task can range from what is necessary to what is justifiable especially when fears set in. Considering the choice of living with regret or with gratitude as a good indicator of whether or not we act out of fear or love. Did we trust our Lord who works through process or did we react based on fear from both internal and external sources? Regret and shame are byproducts of fear. Gratitude for an outcome is inspired by love. It’s less about responding to a perceived need to control and more about striving to be grateful for the experience...perhaps even more grateful that the experience is over!


What about this as a goal: seeking to allow work and ministry, even administration, to flow from a place motivated by love and allowing it to feel less forced? Could a sign of operating from fear be when ministry becomes obsessed with metrics, how much and how many? There are many cautionary tales that remind us that whenever we try to control outcomes, going beyond trusting in God’s providential love, we are doing, not being.


Yet there are times when taking control is both healthy and necessary. There is a sense of accomplishment when things get done, and that is a good thing. Perhaps the greatest challenge about doing is discerning if it comes from a need to control or a realization of understanding who we are, what needs to be done, and doing it. Control creates a feeling of power and meaning that can have more to do with our egos than with grateful hearts. By way of illustration, one of the take-aways from the current pandemic is that the anxiety experienced by many was due to a sense of a loss of control. The remedy has been to suggest exercising control over areas where the choice is still ours, like communicating with neighbors or researching a worthy charity. Could it be as simple as following the suggestion of the pithy saying: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?”


Being on the other hand is not complicated, but we may have complicated it. Consider that when we are at prayer, or the ministry of prayer, we are not so much doing prayer so much as being our best prayerful selves. We are in a privileged space and engaged in a trusting process, one that let’s God be God. Being in prayer seeks to let go of control and abandons ourselves to God the Father, precisely as Jesus consistently sought to do.


Yet being is beguilingly easy. The habit of quieting the mind, especially in prayer, has been rehearsed and experienced by many of us from our first praying of the Rosary. Rituals of prayer, both personal and universal, have helped us focus on the task of merely being, echoing Psalm 46 “Be still and know that I am God.’ All of us can admit that arriving at “being still” came from repeated attempts of jumping into the unknown and thrashing for hours until trust yielded the surrender into being.


Summarizing, dare we identify patterns here: Fear versus Love; Control versus Trust, Ego versusGratitude; Outcomes versus Process, Doing versus Being?


Pope Benedict’s insight is helpful here: “If you follow the will of God, you know that in spite of all the [challenging] things that happen to you, you will never lose a final refuge. You know that the foundation of the world is love, so that even when no human being can or will help you, you may go on, trusting in the One that loves you.” Pope Benedict XVI. “The Lord’s Second Temptation.” from Jesus of Nazareth.


So in the end, trying to exert too much control in my life and the perception the world has of me through someone else’s validation, that’s fear. On the other hand, if I were operating from a place of love, it would matter significantly less to me whether or not after my best efforts, goals are met, because if it is meant to happen, it will...in God’s good time.


After all, in light of the Incarnation, we human beings, not human doings.


B. The primacy of prayer in the life of every Catholic Christian soul, especially their leaders.

Before the papal conclave in 2013, many of the Cardinals gave a brief four-minute intervention in regard to what type of man the next pope should be. As one among many brothers, the then Cardinal Jorgé Bergoglio, before he was elected pope, made four points. His words are in essence a blueprint for his papacy which emphasizes the importance of the Church going outside of itself to the peripheries of sin, pain, injustice and misery to reach all people. His fourth point however is an essential one in regard to the role of the pope, the shepherd leader among shepherd leaders, and can be applied to every priest and, indeed, to all of us, in whatever vocation we find ourselves. He emphasized that the pope, and by extension every priest, must be a man of prayer – “a man of contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ.”

Only this will enable the Church to go out to the peripheries and realize her mission.


Pope Francis’ emphasis on prayer is essential in focusing on the basic identity of the priest which enables him to go forth both within himself and in the lives of others in order to encounter God. Pope Francis’ reflection very much echoes the words of Pope Benedict XVI in his first Chrism Mass homily as pope in April 2006. There Pope Benedict emphasized that “The essence of Priesthood is to be a friend of Jesus Christ. To be a friend of Jesus, to be a priest, means to be a man of prayer. Friendship with Jesus is always par excellence friendship with His own. We can be friends of Christ only in communion with the whole Christ.” The implications of this are both profound and powerful. Prayer gives the priest his sense of direction and is a source of joy that evades emptiness in his life, an emptiness which can lead to selfabsorption,

cynicism, gossip and even to the destruction of his own vocation.


It bears repeating that it is essential for us to renew our commitment to prayer, or as Pope Francis put it, “to be a man of contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ.” It is only through prayer that we will be able to carry out our ministry and bring Christ to the peripheries where we will find Him already present due to our friendship in prayer with Him. As prayer takes many forms, preeminent for a priest are the prayerful celebration of the sacraments, most especially the Eucharist. The Eucharist must be central. As priests, our prayer in the sacraments must be grace filled encounters with Christ for us if they are to be even more of an encounter with Christ for the people we serve. We can perform many liturgical functions and be involved in many different forms of prayer but they must be in true contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ or we will lose our direction very easily and encounter that joyless emptiness.


Contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ enables us to encounter the presence of God within us, around us and in the peripheries of life itself. Prayer puts us in touch with grace which is the free, limitless and merciful love of God incarnate in the person of Christ. Through prayer we come to experience that grace not so much a commodity but a person, Jesus Christ.


Very recently, two modern diaries of priests have been presented to us which speak a great deal about the reality that, in prayer, grace/Christ is everywhere. One are the reflections of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI on his life, resignation and current semi-monastic existence, entitled Last Testament. The other is the private spiritual diaries of St. John Paul II, entitled In God’s Hands. Both of these accounts express the primacy of the priest being, in the words of Pope Francis, “a man of contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ.” As St. John Paul II expresses poignantly in the aforementioned diary, “The priest who prays becomes a living witness to what prayer is…People expect this from a priest. They want him to be a master of prayer, a man of prayer!”(pg. 166) Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI testified to this particular quality of being a man of prayer in the life of St. Pope John Paul II, in his Testament, “… if you concelebrated with him (Pope John Paul II), you felt the inward proximity to the Lord, the depth of faith which he would then plunge into, and you really experienced him as a man who believes, who prays, and who indeed is marked by the Spirit.” (pg. 168) Both of these diaries emphasize how to grow in prayer daily so that we can experience grace/Jesus Christ in all things and convey Him to others.


things, even as we priests are sustained by the commitment to prayer of our faithful. In the response of every Christian to the mutual vocation to be steeped in prayer we form that “great cloud of witnesses” to which St. Paul refers (Hebews 12:1). Let us all pray for each other, that we may be, together with our faithful, men of prayer – “of contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ.”


So, how is your prayer life? Would a prayer-accountability partner be helpful?


C. Fostering a sense of your emotional, spiritual, and leadership health.

Seeing, Thinking, Leading (cf: Resilient Leadership; Duggan & Moyer) Resilient Leadership is a framework for both thinking about and leading within human systems. Developed by Bob Duggan and Jim Moyer, the framework integrates all of the key concepts of another theoretical framework called Bowen‘s Family Systems Theory, and applies it to leadership and organizations or parishes/ministries like yours.


Consider these three key concepts from Resilient Leadership. While merely a piece of the entire framework, these three ideas are very helpful in working as leaders and teams: Emotional Process, Triangles, and Self-differentiation.


Emotional Process

In its simplest terms, this concept points to the reality that every organization has both a rational system and an emotional system. The rational system is what we pay attention to most of the time: worship, education, finances, information technology, personnel, policies and procedures, etc. In other words, the rational system includes everything we can observe and measure.


The emotional system, on the other hand, is much harder to observe. It arises from having our parishes populated by human beings, and is driven by the anxiety that is a normal and inevitable part of human existence.

Think about your ministerial experience for a moment. Can you remember a time when there was change or turmoil going on in your parish and speculation, if not rumors, abounded? Or a time when you stepped into leadership as a new pastor or parochial vicar and found your pastoral team opposed to everything you wanted to do? If so, you’ve experienced the power of the emotional system.


Resilient Leadership highlights the importance of emotional process in organizations, and offers tools for observing and influencing this system. This is important because it’s the emotional system that drives human behavior (and ministry), not the rational system. For example, if you spend your energy and time as a pastoral leader focused on all the reasons it makes logical sense to re-organize and on what the new plan will look like, you will fail to address the emotional undercurrents that are actually driving whether others support the change or not.


Triangles

This framework suggests that triangles are the natural building blocks of human relationships/ systems. They form whenever two people experience tension and triangle in a third person in order to manage that tension. The classic example in organizations is when two employees have a conflicted relationship and constantly turn to you, Father, to complain about each other and strongly “suggest”, if not demand, that you “do something.”


Left to fester, triangles can become hugely detrimental to productive ministry and morale. However, the good news is that you as a leader can also have a positive effect on the triangles that you’re involved in. Resilient Leadership suggests that there are two key skills to managing yourself skillfully in triangles and producing positive outcomes:

  1. Stay connected to and define your position with the two other points of the triangle.
  2. Stay emotionally neutral in the triangle (in other words, don’t take sides).

What would this actually look like? Consider a pastor that has two employees that do not get along with each other. Here the pastor first learns to manage his own reactivity to the tension so that he can avoid taking sides. Then he communicates clearly to both of them that the parish mission needs them both, and that he will hold them accountable to find a way to resolve their differences without involving him. While it’s not a cure all, the pastor’s behavior in the triangle gradually lowers the overall level of anxiety and tension and promotes a higher level of functioning from both individuals.


Self-differentiation

Self-differentiation essentially means that you have the capacity to do what “Fr. Mike” did in the previously mentioned example: to define your perspective or take a position, without cutting off emotionally from others. This is typically described as the ability to take clear stands without steamrolling or sugarcoating, while still staying connected. Another way of looking at this is to consider it as a way to help others to “buy-in” to your vision with their thoughts and ideas.


Here the notion of self-differentiation is important. Leading as a Differentiated Self means that you are clear about who you are as a priest and pastoral leader, what you stand for, and are able to communicate that to others while still staying connected to them. A well-defined leader calms a system, because they bring clarity and consistency to it.


The goals here are:

  • Be a calm Non-Anxious Presence means to “embody and communicate an inner calm in a way that lowers others anxiety.” (One can imagine how being rooted in prayer helps here.)
  • Staying Connected means to strike a healthy balance by being “Close enough to influence yet distant enough to lead.”
  • To Lead with Conviction means being able to take tough stands while still staying connected to important stakeholders, i.e. staff, pastoral team members, and parishioners. Sometimes this refers to a capacity for being bold and for taking risks when needed (...not out of a need to control but rather out of desire to influence others through a loving zeal for shepherding).

If Resilient Leadership resonates with you and you find yourself wanting to learn more, consider reading the book. What about you? How do you see the concepts of emotional process and triangles playing out in your parish and/or ministry? How does your level of self-differentiation as a pastoral leader affect your behavior?

Strengthening Marriages: Therapy and the Catholic Vision of Sacramental Love

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.

Navigating Grief and Loss: Therapy and the Catholic Theology of Hope and Resurrection

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • August 15, 2025
Grief & Hope: Therapy and Catholic Teachings on Loss and Eternal Life Grief is something that touches all of us eventually. It may arrive suddenly with the death of a loved one, linger quietly through the end of a relationship, or follow the quiet disappointment of a long-held dream falling apart. Whatever the cause, the pain of loss often arrives uninvited and stays longer than we expect. It can leave us feeling like the ground beneath our feet has shifted, upending our sense of security, meaning, and identity. In these moments, therapy offers a way to make sense of the pain, to find meaning in suffering, and — slowly but surely — to begin healing. For people of faith, particularly within the Catholic tradition, grief is not something to be merely endured. It’s something that can be transformed through the lens of Christ’s death and resurrection. By combining psychological support with theological hope, the journey through grief can become not just a passage through sorrow, but also a path toward deeper love, connection, and peace. The Complexity of Grief: Not a Straight Line One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence. Many of us are familiar with the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are helpful in recognizing the emotions involved in loss, but they’re not a strict roadmap. Real grief is messy (see our blog article here ). It doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days, you might feel like you’ve made peace with the loss; on others, a small memory can unravel you unexpectedly. Therapists understand this complexity. In therapy, you’re given a space to express the full range of your emotions without judgment. That in itself can be healing—being able to cry, vent, or sit silently and just be seen. Many therapists use grief specific approaches to help people understand the depth of their emotions and develop tools to cope. These approaches focus not only on processing the pain but also on exploring the significance of the relationship that was lost and the meaning that can still be drawn from it. For some, however, grief becomes more than sorrow. It becomes stuck. This form of suffering, often referred to as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder (PGD), involves intense, long-lasting emotions that disrupt daily life and relationships. These symptoms can include persistent yearning, preoccupation with the loss, emotional numbness, or an inability to experience joy. When grief lingers and paralyzes rather than gradually integrates into life, therapy becomes not just helpful—it becomes essential. In these more complex cases, the goal is to help individuals accept the reality of their loss while reengaging with life in meaningful ways. It’s not about forgetting or moving on. It’s about learning to carry grief differently—to make space for both sorrow and hope. A Catholic Lens on Death, Loss, and What Comes After While therapy addresses the psychological and emotional dimensions of grief, Catholic theology speaks to the spiritual side of the experience. Our faith doesn’t deny the sorrow of death. It fully acknowledges the pain of separation, the weight of absence. But it also insists—gently but firmly—that death is not the final word. At the heart of our faith is the resurrection of Christ. This central truth shapes how Catholics understand death—not as an end, but as a passage to new life. In the Gospel of John, Jesus offers the words that echo across centuries: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25–26). These words are not a dismissal of grief; they are an anchor in the storm of sorrow, a promise that love is stronger than death. This belief is not just abstract theology. It’s woven into the very rituals that surround death. Catholic funeral rites, including the Vigil, the Funeral Mass, and the Rite of Committal, are structured to help mourners grieve, pray, and hope. The Mass of Christian Burial is both a farewell and a celebration. It entrusts the soul of the deceased to God’s mercy while comforting those left behind with prayers, Scripture, and the Eucharist—a visible sign of Christ’s victory over death. We also draw comfort from the communion of saints—the belief that the faithful, living and deceased, remain united in Christ. This sense of connection helps many people feel that their loved ones are not lost to them, but remain close in spirit, interceding and awaiting reunion in eternal life. It transforms the relationship, but it does not sever it. According to The Catholic Free Press, prayer during and after the funeral, the support of the faith community, and the hope of resurrection all contribute to easing the sting of grief. This hope doesn’t erase the sadness, but it surrounds it with meaning. Finding Healing in the Integration of Therapy and Faith What’s truly powerful is the way that therapy and faith can work together in times of loss. You don’t have to choose between the two. In fact, integrating both can offer the most comprehensive support. Therapy provides the space to wrestle with painful emotions, while faith gives language to mystery, sorrow, and redemption. Some therapists incorporate a client’s spiritual beliefs directly into the therapeutic process. A Catholic might be invited to reflect on Scripture, to write a letter to their loved one as a form of prayer, or to explore the concept of redemptive suffering—that even in our pain, we are united with Christ. These spiritual practices can offer comfort and a sense of sacredness during a time that might otherwise feel chaotic and empty. Faith can also inspire action in grief. Many people find healing in honoring their loved one through acts of love and service—volunteering, creating something meaningful, or simply continuing traditions that keep memories alive. These acts don’t make the grief go away, but they help reframe it as something that can shape your life with beauty and purpose. Community plays a vital role here too. Being part of a parish, attending grief support groups, or simply leaning on trusted friends in faith can make an incredible difference. Shared prayer, communal rituals, and simply being around others who “get it” can bring relief that is both emotional and spiritual. Moving Through Grief Toward New Life It’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Love doesn’t end when someone dies. It changes form. Grief is a sign of love, and love, in the Catholic tradition, is eternal. This perspective is beautifully echoed in the words of St. Augustine: “If you knew the gift of God and what heaven is... wipe away your tears and weep no more if you love me” ( Our Sunday Visitor ). These aren’t instructions to suppress sorrow, but reminders that death is not the end of the story. When we allow ourselves to grieve fully, supported by therapy and guided by faith, we begin to see how grief itself can be transformed. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes lighter, more manageable. It makes room for joy again, for connection, and for a deeper appreciation of the people still present in our lives. In time, those who grieve may find themselves living not in spite of loss, but in honor of it—carrying forward the love they received, guided by the hope of eternal reunion, and strengthened by the compassionate tools of therapy and the enduring promises of their faith. Final Reflection Grief will never be easy, but it can be holy. It can be a time of brokenness and also of deep transformation. With the help of compassionate therapists and the enduring light of Catholic hope, it is possible to find meaning, peace, and even renewal in the shadow of loss. You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it’s sitting with a therapist, lighting a candle at Mass, whispering a prayer through tears, or simply reaching out to someone who understands—every small step matters. Together, therapy and Catholic theology remind us that grief is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a testament to love. And love, in the end, is what endures. Healing begins with connection—and taking the first step can be the hardest part. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or simply curious about how therapy could help, we invite you to connect with us at Holy Family Counseling Center. Our team is here to listen, support, and walk alongside you with care and intention. Send us a message or give us a call—we’re ready when you are.

The Way Retreat

July 10, 2025
Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting The Way Retreat with Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC