Peter Attridge, Ph.D., LMFT
Grief has a funny way of ignoring your calendar.
You can spend an entire week feeling relatively good, thinking that perhaps you are finally finding your footing again. You get up, go to work, take care of your responsibilities, and even laugh at something genuinely funny. Then you hear a familiar song, smell something that reminds you of someone you love, or find an old photograph tucked away in a drawer. Suddenly, sadness arrives, and you wonder whether you have made any progress at all.
If you have experienced this, you are not doing grief wrong. You are learning to live with a loss that matters.
When we talk about grieving, we often assume that the goal is to get over it. We imagine that healing means reaching a point where the loss no longer hurts, the memories no longer bring tears, and life eventually returns to the way it was before. But what if healing is less about getting over our loss and more about learning how to carry it?
The death of someone we love changes our lives. It may change our relationships, routines, priorities, and understanding of the world. We cannot always return to the person we were before the loss, nor should we necessarily expect to. But we can learn to incorporate that loss into a larger story, one that still includes relationships, responsibilities, laughter, faith, and the possibility of a meaningful future.
Grief deserves a place in our lives. It simply does not need to occupy every room.
Grief Is Part of Your Story, Not Your Entire Identity
When someone we love dies, the loss can feel as though it has become the defining feature of our lives. We may begin to think of ourselves primarily as the person who lost a spouse, a child, a parent, or a friend. We might describe ourselves as broken, permanently changed, or unable to move forward.
Some of that language reflects the genuine depth of our pain. Losing someone important can shake our sense of who we are and how the world works. A widow may have to reconsider what it means to be a spouse. An adult who loses a parent may suddenly feel more aware of their own mortality. A parent who loses a child may find that nearly every assumption about the future has been shattered.
These are not small adjustments. Grief can challenge the very structures that once helped us understand ourselves.
But there is a difference between acknowledging that loss has changed us and believing that loss is not all we are.
You can be a person who lost a father and still be a husband, wife, parent, friend, professional, neighbor, and person of faith. You can carry profound sadness while continuing to discover new interests, build relationships, and experience joy. You can recognize that your life is different without deciding that it is permanently diminished in every respect.
Psychologists studying grief have explored this process through the concept of meaning reconstruction: the work of making sense of a loss and rebuilding our understanding of ourselves and the world afterward. Research in this area suggests that how people make meaning of their loss and reconstruct their sense of identity is an important part of understanding bereavement. This does not mean that every death has a hidden purpose or that we need to find a silver lining. Sometimes a death is simply heartbreaking. Meaning reconstruction is about learning how to live in the world that now exists, not pretending that the world we wanted was somehow unnecessary.
The person you lost remains part of your story. But your story is still being written.
Learning to Carry the Loss
My own experience of loss has reminded me how deeply grief becomes woven into ordinary life.
My father lived with me during the last four years of his life. When someone lives with you, their presence becomes part of the everyday rhythms of your home. They are not simply someone you see on special occasions. Their presence is part of the ordinary landscape of your life. My dad would sit and watch me cook dinner for the family. Sometimes he would ask questions, sometimes he would complain about garlic in the food, and most often he would complain that I didn't make the same thing twice. But he was always there.
When that person dies, the absence can appear in the smallest places. A routine changes. Something happens during the day, and you realize there is someone you would ordinarily tell. You notice the quiet in a place that once held a familiar presence. And no complaints about garlic…
These moments can hurt, sometimes unexpectedly. But they also remind us that relationships are built from much more than memorable occasions. They are built from ordinary days, familiar conversations, shared responsibilities, and the simple fact of being part of one another's lives.
Over time, I have come to appreciate that remembering someone does not require us to remain frozen in the moment of their death. We can continue to carry the relationship forward while also continuing to live.
This idea has support in bereavement research through the concept of continuing bonds. Rather than assuming that healthy grieving requires us to sever our emotional connection with someone who has died, researchers have explored how that connection can change. We may remember their advice, tell their stories, carry forward their values, or maintain traditions that remind us of them.
A systematic review published in 2023 examined 79 studies on continuing bonds after bereavement. The findings highlighted the complex roles of memory, identity, spirituality, and meaning in adapting to loss. Maintaining a connection can provide comfort, although its effects vary depending on the person and the nature of the relationship.
The point is not to hold on to the past so tightly that we cannot participate in the present. It is to discover which parts of the relationship can continue to nourish our lives.
Perhaps you begin telling your children stories about their grandfather. Perhaps you continue making a recipe your mother loved. Perhaps you find yourself using a phrase your father often repeated and realize, with a mixture of sadness and affection, that a little of him is still present in how you see the world.
These are not necessarily signs that you are refusing to move forward. They may be ways of allowing love to remain part of your life while accepting that the relationship has changed.
Why Healing Doesn't Follow a Straight Line
If the goal is to integrate grief rather than eliminate it, we need to rethink what progress looks like.
The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, offers a helpful framework. It describes how grieving people move between two kinds of activity.
The first is loss-oriented coping: confronting the reality of the death, feeling sadness, remembering the person, and working through the emotional consequences of the loss.
The second is restoration-oriented coping: adapting to changes in daily life, taking on new responsibilities, developing routines, and investing in activities and relationships that continue beyond the loss.
Healthy adaptation involves movement between these experiences. We may spend an afternoon looking through old photographs and crying, then spend the evening preparing dinner with our family. We might have a difficult anniversary and still enjoy a conversation with a friend the next day.
We do not have to choose between remembering the person and participating in the life that remains.
This helps explain why grief can seem unpredictable. Sometimes we need to turn toward the loss. At other times, we need a break from thinking about it. Both can be appropriate.
The problem often begins when we judge ourselves for moving in either direction. We may feel guilty when we enjoy ourselves, as though happiness somehow diminishes our love. Or we may become frustrated when sadness returns, interpreting it as evidence that we have failed to heal.
Neither conclusion is necessary.
You can miss someone without spending every day thinking about their death. You can enjoy a family gathering without betraying the person who is absent. You can have a difficult afternoon without deciding that the entire week has been a failure.
In my earlier article, Trudging: The Long, Slow Road of Healing, I reflected on how real healing often involves putting one foot in front of the other rather than waiting for a dramatic breakthrough. Grief requires much the same patience. Progress may look less like the disappearance of sadness and more like an increasing ability to experience sadness without allowing it to consume everything else.
The question gradually changes from “Am I over this yet?” to “Am I learning how to live with this?”
That is a much more helpful question.
When We Accidentally Put Our Lives on Hold
One of the challenges of grief is that it can quietly narrow our lives.
We may stop accepting invitations because we do not feel like socializing. We may avoid activities we once enjoyed because they remind us of the person who died. We may withdraw from friends because we assume they will not understand. Sometimes we tell ourselves we will return to these parts of life when we feel better.
And occasionally, we wait a very long time.
Of course, there are times when rest and withdrawal are necessary. Grief can be exhausting, and we should not expect ourselves to maintain every previous commitment. But there is a difference between allowing ourselves time to heal and indefinitely postponing the possibility of living.
Consider someone who loses a spouse and avoids every social activity because attending alone feels painful. That response is understandable. But if the avoidance becomes permanent, the person may gradually lose opportunities for companionship and connection precisely when those things could be helpful.
Or consider someone who loses a parent and feels guilty celebrating a milestone because the parent is not there to witness it. The absence is real, but so is the accomplishment. The person does not have to choose between mourning the parent and enjoying the milestone.
Sometimes the next step is small. Attend one gathering. Take a walk with a friend. Return to a hobby for twenty minutes. Make plans for a holiday while acknowledging that it will feel different this year.
You do not have to feel completely ready before taking part in life again. Sometimes we begin participating while still feeling sad, and the experience itself helps us discover that joy and grief can coexist.
In Embracing the Doldrums: What the Sea Can Teach Us About Life's Seasons of Stagnation, I wrote about the temptation to interpret slower seasons as failures. Grief can create a similar experience. We may feel as though life has stopped moving, and we become so focused on waiting to feel normal that we overlook the small ways we can continue to participate in the life before us.
You do not have to sail at full speed every day. But you do not need to wait for perfect weather before taking the next step, either.
Remembering Without Remaining Stuck
How do we maintain a meaningful connection with someone who has died without allowing the loss to define our entire lives?
There is no single answer, but a few practices can help.
Make room for intentional remembrance.
Set aside time to look at photographs, tell stories, visit a meaningful place, or pray for the person. Intentional remembrance can give grief a place in your life without requiring it to dominate every moment.
Carry forward what matters. Consider the qualities you admired in the person. Was your mother generous? Did your father have a particular way of making people laugh? Did your friend encourage you to take risks? You might honor the relationship by incorporating some of those qualities into your own life. This is not about becoming the person who died. It is about allowing the relationship to continue shaping the person you are becoming.
Continue investing in relationships. Grief can make us feel isolated, even when other people are available to help. Allow friends and family to be present. Seek out people who can listen without rushing you toward a solution. You do not need to explain every feeling before you deserve companionship.
Allow yourself to experience joy. This may be harder than it sounds. Some people experience guilt when they begin to feel happy again, as though enjoying life means leaving the person behind. But love is not measured by the amount of time we spend suffering. You are allowed to laugh, celebrate, and look forward to things.
Make room for a future. This does not mean replacing the person or deciding that life would have been better without the loss. It means allowing yourself to imagine new experiences, relationships, and responsibilities that can become meaningful in their own right.
And remember that these practices are not assignments you must complete on a schedule. Some will feel helpful at one point and difficult at another. The goal is not to force yourself into a new life before you are ready. It is to remain open to the possibility that life can continue to hold goodness alongside sorrow.
All Souls Day: Remembering With Faith and Hope
As a Catholic therapist, I find that the Church offers an important perspective on integrating grief into life. Catholic faith does not ask us to pretend that death is painless. It asks us to face the reality of death while holding on to the hope of the Resurrection.
All Souls Day offers a meaningful opportunity to remember the faithful departed and pray for them. Together with All Saints Day it reminds us that the lives of those who have died remain part of our spiritual understanding of communion, hope, and eternal life.
There is something important about the Church setting aside time for remembrance. We do not need to pretend that our loved ones no longer matter because they have died. We can pray for them, visit their graves, celebrate Mass, and tell their stories. We can acknowledge our sorrow without treating it as incompatible with faith.
Consider the story of Lazarus in John's Gospel. Jesus knows that He will raise Lazarus from the dead, yet He weeps at the tomb of His friend. His knowledge of the resurrection does not prevent Him from entering into the sorrow of those who mourn.
That is a powerful reminder that Christian hope does not require emotional denial.
We can trust in eternal life and still miss the people we love. We can believe that death does not have the final word and still grieve the fact that someone is no longer sitting at our dinner table.
Faith can help us place our loss within a larger story, but it should not be used to silence our sadness. Telling a grieving person that their loved one is in a better place may be intended as comfort, yet it can sometimes leave them feeling that their pain is unwelcome. The hope of heaven does not make earthly relationships unimportant.
Perhaps one of the most meaningful ways to honor All Souls Day is to remember our loved ones with gratitude and prayer while continuing to care for the lives and relationships entrusted to us now.
We can entrust the dead to God's mercy without abandoning the living. We can remember the past without refusing the future. We can allow faith to offer hope without demanding that sorrow disappear.
When Grief Needs More Support
Integrating grief into life does not mean that we should simply accept any level of suffering indefinitely.
If grief is persistently interfering with daily functioning, leading to severe isolation, or making it difficult to imagine any meaningful future, additional support may be helpful. Counseling can provide space to explore the loss, work through complicated feelings, and rebuild a sense of identity that includes the relationship without being confined by the absence. For those who desire it, faith can be part of that process.
Seeking help is not a sign that you are grieving incorrectly. It is an acknowledgment that you deserve support as you learn to live with what has happened.
Thoughts From the Couch
In Teach Us to Number Our Days, I reflected on Psalm 90:12 and the invitation to recognize the value of the days we have been given. Grief can make this particularly difficult. We may become so focused on what has been lost that we struggle to see the life still unfolding around us.
But our loved ones are not honored by our refusal to live. Nor do we have to forget them to move forward.
Perhaps the goal is to allow grief to become one part of our story without letting it become the only story we tell about ourselves. We can carry the memory of someone we love into new relationships, meaningful work, family traditions, acts of service, and moments of joy. We can acknowledge that their absence has changed us while continuing to discover who we are.
Some days, the loss will feel close. Other days, it may rest quietly in the background. Neither experience needs to determine the value of the day or the direction of our lives.
Healing is not a straight line, and it is not a contest to see who can return to normal the fastest. It is the gradual work of making room for what has happened while remaining open to what is still possible.
At Holy Family Counseling Center, we recognize that healing involves the whole person: our emotions, relationships, sense of purpose, and, for those who desire it, spiritual life. If you are struggling with grief, you do not have to navigate that process alone.
You can miss someone and still laugh. You can carry sadness and still build a future. You can remember the person you lost without making your loss the entirety of your identity.
The person you love will always be part of your story. But your story is still being written, and there is room in it for more than grief.




