Good Shepherd Newsletter 9

Staff

Competency 9: Finding Stability in Change

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

A few months ago, we saw nature begin the transition from dull and slumbering to lush and vibrant. For eons, the same pattern has been followed year aft er year as trees, flowers, and animals roll through the changes in their lives. Our Catholic faith offers many examples of transition; the Transfiguration, the Crucifixion, Pentecost. Each of these moments in the Church’s history were moments where the disciples were moved from the NOW to the NOT YET, trusting God as their guide. Countless movies and novels also focus on the idea of transitions. Richard Donner’s “Th e Goonies” comes to mind as a movie where life’s transitions are faced with fear for the future and what it will hold. Slowly, as the goonies trust in their leaders and those that have gone before them, they grow in excitement as possibilities that were not imagined before begin to reveal themselves, resulting in a fabulous treasure.


Transitions are not easy, they require that we work towards them and grow along the way. As Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has said, “Th e ways of the Lord are not easy, but we were not created for an easy life, but for great things, for goodness.”


A. What are transitions? Transitions are different from changes. Changes are external events that can have an affect on our behavior, they tend to come on quickly. Transitions are internal, they are the psychological, emotional, and spiritual processes that may accompany changes and these oft en take more time to resolve. During this time of year, many of you have received new assignments or will be taking on new roles. These changes will find you newly ordained, at new parishes, in new offices, learning the faces and lives of new parishioners. Some of these changes will have been sought out, some will be unexpected. You may accept this change as part of your vocations, or vow of obedience, that does not mean that the changes will not be challenging. Being in control allows us to feel safe and secure. Change and the accompanying transitions remind us that we are sometimes vulnerable.


After all the changes take place is when the transitions will begin. Struggling to let go of your old parish, having uncertainties about your new parish. Wondering if you’ll live up to a beloved pastor. Discerning what to do in retirement. Th e questions that we ponder in transitions do not arise to be quickly glanced at and ignored. It is our chance to adapt and become better priests and people by incorporating these transitions into who we are. In doing so, we bring value to ourselves and also to those that are served by our vocations, helping them learn to transition as well. As Blessed John Henry Newman said, “To live is to change; to be perfect is to have changed often.”


B. Ways to have successful transitions.

A key to a successful transition is to remember that you are not merely rearranging the furniture but completely renovating. Sometimes from the ground up. The work of change and transition is both external and internal. Humbling ourselves to God and ceding control to Him will make all transitions easier. Below are three stages of transition to consider, adapted from William Bridges, author of “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes” (Da Capo Press).


Stage One: Letting go.

  • Recognize the ambiguous nature of “letting go.” Change is neither all fun nor all painful. To say “goodbye” is both sad and freeing.
  • Identify the subjective losses. We may experience less independence, security or control. To have to follow another person’s lead may wound our pride. Sometimes the subjective loss is more painful than the loss of a position or title.
  • Appreciate the grieving process. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grieving — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance — offer a helpful model for dealing with significant loss. Experiencing grief is not an overreaction.
  • Reflect on our personal style of coping with endings. Do we stop abruptly and avoid saying goodbye? Our responses tend to be influenced by our experience with previous endings or how our families coped with loss, yet these may not be healthy for us.
  • Recognize internal resistance. We may avoid goodbyes or drag out an ending for unconscious reasons. Speaking with a spiritual director or participating in healthy goodbye rituals — such as celebrations of what has been, prayer services and a review of life — can be quite healing.


Stage Two: Confusion and Distress

  • Surrender and patience. Do not be afraid of emptiness, and do not struggle to escape it. Say “yes” to reality. Be patient and go with the flow.
  • Resist the temptation to blame, project or objectify. Try to avoid getting into thinking that others are doing this to make you suffer, but rather that we are all suffering together, trying to find our way.
  • Treat the past with respect.
  • Reflect on spiritual memorials, experiences in which you absolutely knew God was present in your ministry to others.
  • Affirm and encourage others. Share how you feel. Others will be relieved to know they are not the only ones struggling.


Stage Three: Just do it.

  • Do not hesitate by considering every possible option, but push forward. Complete tasks that you have been avoiding: visiting the new parish, school, or meeting with the parish finance council chairperson.
  • Identify yourself with goals. Take on everything with an attitude of “I can do this.”
  • Don’t second-guess yourself. Resist the little voice that tells you to take some other road. Our first guesses are almost always on target. Don’t worry if it takes time to feel comfortable and sure about your decisions. “Give it a year” is excellent advice to the newly ordained or to the new pastor. It is still good advice for the priest in transition.
  • Focus on specific, concrete goals. Work toward small successes. Take things gradually, and within a year the progress will be evident. • Be gentle with yourself.
  • Above all, be thankful.


C. The process of leaving an old parish.


This reflection contributed by Holy Family Counseling Center counselor Dale Brewer, MS, LAPC


How to Say Goodbye

I would like to offer for this quarter’s article an antidotal piece of guidance given to me by my Postulant Director when I was in formation with the Franciscan Friars. As a religious in priestly formation, we move around a lot: our postulant year was in Boston, MA, our novitiate year was in Burlington, WI, and our temporary profession was spent in Rome, Italy, and during the summer we would spend time in different parishes throughout the Americas. Towards the end of my first year with the friars as we got ready to transition to being novices in WI, our Postulant Director offered us this prayer exercise that would change the way I would approach transition for the rest of my life. He recommended that two weeks before we had to leave to start going through the house, our offices, prayer spaces, places of community, and hang out spots, reflecting on the memories we had of being in those spaces. He told us to invite God into those memories, thanking Him for the gift of the good times and people He had put in our lives during this time. The Director invited us to bring any possible painful memories to the Lord asking for His grace and mercy, to go forward and bring healing to us and to those we may have hurt. However, he mentioned most importantly we reflect on how the Lord invited us to grow in those spaces, and to acknowledge growth that did occur, thanking Him for the opportunity. The prayer was to be concluded with “I surrender all of these moments to You Lord, both good and bad, I give You thanks for the opportunity You gave me here in (blank space), I ask You to prepare me to trust You as I move on to new opportunities to love, serve, and grow with You.”


This prayer has helped me tremendously as I try to bring closure for when I move from one chapter of my life to another. It allowed me to acknowledge that all is a gift from the Lord, and to relish in that gift while being attentive to areas in my life where I need to continue to invite the Lord’s grace to transform my heart. It allowed me to recognize how with the Lord, I had grown over that time period, which allowed me to savor the beauty and wonder of that space, and most importantly prepare my heart to trust Him that He will be there with me at the next interval, to bring new moments of joy, mercy, and growth. 

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

By Peter Attridge, PhD • October 27, 2025
Forgiveness & Healing: Therapy and Catholic Perspectives on Reconciliation

Your Thoughts Lead the Way

By Irene Rowland, MS, LPC • September 16, 2025
We often have more control than we realize. I’m going to lead you through an exercise in order to illustrate this point. Visualize a tree with deep roots and a strong trunk leading up into beautiful branches and leaves. Oftentimes, we retain concepts better if we can see it mapped out. To that end, let’s do a little art therapy together and when you have completed your masterpiece, you can put it on your refrigerator or somewhere that you’ll notice it often: First draw a tree trunk with the roots showing. Under half of the roots write the word FEAR in dark, shaky, ominous looking letters. Under the other half of the roots write LOVE in happy looking handwriting (maybe pretty cursive if you dare). Vertically up the tree trunk write “thoughts/beliefs”. Now it’s time to add lots of branches, twigs, and leaves. Among these branches, add the wording “actions/behaviors” throughout the branches. If you are looking for extra credit, add a variety of nice healthy looking fruit and some rotting fruit with flies. Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” In most circumstances, at the root of our thoughts is either fear or love. These thoughts then drive our actions and behaviors. Sometimes we are coming from a solid, healthy place and other times from a shaky, fear based place. This is worth looking at in order to grow more and more into the emotionally healthy individual we have the potential to become. All fear based thinking is not detrimental obviously. God created us with healthy fight or flight instincts for when we are in actual danger. This is of course a good thing. For purposes of learning how to live a more emotionally balanced life, we’re looking at thoughts that come from an unhealthy fear which could potentially drive behaviors and actions that don’t serve us well. Thoughts Drive Behavior There are ten top cognitive distortions. Let’s break this down a little. Cognitive means having to do with the brain. Distortions are things that are twisted, so basically cognitive distortions are twisted, unhealthy or irrational thoughts. We have more control over our lives if we operate from a place of clear, healthy, rational thoughts. Everyone experiences some of these types of thoughts so it’s good to know that it’s “normal”. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters. Do we buy into the lie that we’ve told ourselves or do we remind ourselves of the truth? If you tracked these negative thoughts throughout the week, it would be surprising to see how often this happens. Let’s look at the top 10 cognitive distortions. They’re not in any particular order but we each have a pattern of our “favorites” that we default to when we engage in what some call “stinking thinking”. All or Nothing Thinking - also known as black and white thinking. Usually things in life aren’t 100% one way or the other and the truth is somewhere in between in the gray area. Words such as never and always fall into this category. The words usually, often and sometimes are probably more truthful in most circumstances. Overgeneralizing - an example would be seeing an event as a never-ending pattern. A student with good grades being concerned that they’re going to flunk a course because of one failing quiz grade is a good example of this. Mental Filter - dwelling on the negatives and ignoring the positives. When this happens, the mind dwells on the glass being half empty. This is not only discouraging for the person who chooses to live this way, but also makes it difficult for others to be around them often. Discounting Positives - an example is not giving any credit for that which is good in a person and only paying attention to what needs improvement. Jumping to Conclusions- the thoughts don’t always match the facts. There are subsets of this type of distorted thinking. One is Mind Reading when we assume we know what the other person is thinking for instance. This is a common relationship issue. We need to state what we have to say instead of believing the other person already knows. Fortune Telling also is a way that we oftentimes falsely decide that we know how something is going to happen. We all know those who have had something negative happen in the morning and then decide that this is going to be a bad day. Their negative thinking is usually what propels the rest of the day to be less than desirable. Their self-fulfilling prophesy informs how they choose to handle the rest of the day. Magnification and Minimization - making things larger or smaller than they actually are. We’ve all seen a mountain made out of a molehill or something huge being discounted as being trivial. Emotional Reasoning - letting feelings be regarded as truth such as I feel unworthy therefore I am. Should Statements - when we use should/should not, must, have to or similar language about ourselves or others, we are self-bullying or other bullying. An example would be if a person thought that as a good parent they have to read a bedtime story every night to their child. The truth is that as a good parent, they get to/are happy to read a story nightly but they could still be a good parent without imposing this on themselves. A parent with a migraine could let their child know that they’re not feeling well and will read two stories the next night and still fulfill their idea of being a good parent. Labeling -calling oneself a loser for instance because you made mistakes, instead of stating the truth that you made a mistake. Self-Blame and Other-Blame -taking on blame that isn’t rightfully all yours or blaming others when the fault lies partially with you also. All of these unhealthy ways of thinking can cause us to have inappropriate responses to life’s situations. When we have a negative thought, we need to slow down and ask ourselves if it’s legitimately true or have we exaggerated or added incorrect meaning to a situation. When we operate from a place of truth, our behaviors are going to be more sane, more productive, life-giving and fruitful. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, practice paying attention to your thoughts. If they are true, operate from that place for the best outcomes. If the thoughts are not truthful and therefore won’t serve you well, it’s time to regroup and remind yourself of what the actual truth is. It’s ok to have your initial thought be an unlovely, negative thought that’s untrue. What matters is what you do with it. Hopefully your response is to turn it around into the truth and proceed from there. Looking for cognitive distortions can be like a treasure hunt. Your response of countering with the truth is pure gold. If this exercise resonated with you, try repeating the “Thought Tree” once a day for a week and notice one cognitive distortion you catch—then practice swapping it for a truer, kinder thought. If you'd like help applying these tools in therapy, please contact visit Holy Family Counseling Center . If you ever feel overwhelmed or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact local emergency services or the 988 Lifeline immediately. Small shifts in how we think add up—you're not alone on this path to greater emotional health.

Strengthening Marriages: Therapy and the Catholic Vision of Sacramental Love

By Peter Attridge, PhD, LMFT • August 18, 2025
Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond. This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage. The Catholic Understanding of Marriage At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB ) Unity Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church. Indissolubility The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ). Openness to Fertility Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ). The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind ) The Gottman Method Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ). Imago Relationship Therapy Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind ) Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by: Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy. Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment. Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings. Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage. By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love. Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church. Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.