Good Shepherd Newsletter 6

Competency 6: Spiritual Martial Arts

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

A. The call and role of a pastoral leader.

Fr. Th omas Augustine Judge, founder of Th e Missionary Servants of the Holy Trinity (MSST), once gave a speech about true humility. He noted that the truly humble person knows who they are before God, what needs to be done, and does it. Th at insight is a good accompaniment as we continue to seek to respond to God’s call to be a pastoral leader as priests and as shepherds striving to be good by the mere imitation of Christ THE Good Shepherd.


This insight into an ever more authentic humility bids every priest to be a servant leader, who knows who they are before God, what is the task at hand, and who seeks simply to do it...while inviting others to follow. That begs the constantly renewing question for every priest/good shepherd: What is the task before me and how do I do it?


A presentation could follow on how to identify and prioritize the tasks before us, but in that functional pursuit we may lead away from the essential goal of acting “in persona Christi.” For the priest/good shepherd then, the task is being the voice of Christ the Shepherd in more than merely a functional way. Th e implication may be that our fi rst consistent task is to substantially “lose ourselves” in Christ, participating with our whole being in the mystery of Christ’s life, death, and resurrection. Our common work then is to make our understanding, freedom, will, and self-off ering as a living sacrifi ce (cf. Rm 12: 1-2). Could it be that it is only in the consistent participation in Christ’s sacrifi ce, in his kenosis, that our ministry of leading will be authentic? Being a servant-leader calls us to grow into the ability to say to the Father, together with Christ: let “not my will, but what you will” be done (Mk 14: 36). Proclaiming leadership, therefore, always involves self-sacrifice, a prerequisite for our authenticity, efficacy, and loving service to the Church as the Bride of Christ.


B. Maintaining calm in the storms of conflict.

Proclaiming leadership in our roles oft en comes with attacks on our proclamations. In the diverse community of the Church there are numerous views and voices. As such, we must always be aware that there will be dissent to the way we function in our leadership roles. How do we adjust to these moments of conflict as they arise? How do we remain in a mode of self-sacrifice when faced with animosity and belligerence? What wounds do our parishioners project onto the priesthood and thereby to us?


In life some of the most interesting stories we hear as individuals are conflict stories. When we see two people deep in conversation, they are often in the midst of telling, or hearing about, some form of conflict. Conflict stories are fascinating, and we often hold strong feelings about them, especially when they are our own. These stories are told over and over again and we relive the experience of them and the hope that the other person would change just a little bit. Conflict holds much promise. If it weren’t for the conflicts we face in life, we would not grow as individuals and connect to others. The Passion is a story of conflict, connection, and of growth. Conflict can also follow another pathway, one of disconnect and isolation, like the path that Judas Iscariot followed. Conflict provides all the materials necessary to build walls and barriers to the world and those we love if we choose the path of isolation. Our own habits in conflict can take over and leave us wondering why we reacted a certain way or said something we’ll later regret. We always have the choice to change our habits and adjust our reactions to conflict.


To adjust our reactions to conflict, it may be helpful to look at the practice of Aikido, though not in the physical sense. The art of Aikido is translated as the way of the harmonious spirit. The goal of entering a meeting (what Aikido calls conflict) is to leave the other person as unharmed as possible. In other words, both people in conflict should leave feeling whole. In Aikido, the intent is to move towards the conflict and utilize the other individual’s energy to deflect their attack. Judy Ringer has categorized six facets of aikido as a conflict metaphor:

  • Resistance. My initial reaction to adversity is to resist it. In a physical assault, I want to keep the attacker away from me. Similarly, I would rather not have to deal with a workplace conflict, a difficult person, or a frightening illness.superiors, colleagues, employees, and parishioners allows for a well-rounded way to learn.
  • Connection. At some point, however, I must connect with the conflict if there is any hope of resolving it. In aikido, I connect by moving toward the attacker and joining my energy with theirs. In life, I connect when I accept that the problem exists. Connection is the first step toward resolution.
  • Practice. As I acknowledge the conflict, I begin to take action. At first my action is unskilled. I make mistakes, and I practice and refine my approach. Aikido practitioners refer to this refinement process as “getting on the mat.” The mat is the place where we meet to learn and hone our technique and practice confidence and presence.
  • Discovery. Through steady practice, I gradually find myself in new territory, where the realization of how little I know catapults me into a land of discovery. Whether on the aikido mat or on the mat of life, I become a learner. As I move from resistance to curiosity and wonder, my practice becomes fun.
  • Power. Discovery brings a new kind of power because it is aligned with energy. I learn that power does not equal force or coercion. Rather, this new power increases in direct relationship to flexibility and empathy.
  • Teachers. Finally, I notice that conflict has become my teacher. My difficult relationships have taught me flexibility and assertiveness. Through adversity, I have discovered new perspectives and insights. In aikido we say, “The attack is a gift of energy.”

The difference between a reaction and a response is time. When there is little time after a stimulus presents itself, we are reacting. If we can give ourselves a few breaths before making a move or statement, we move into the realm of response. Responding to stimuli means that we are able to do so with some level of control, Judy Ringer offers these ideas:


  • Breathe and Center. Often. A conflict can unbalance us with strong emotions and feelings of unworthiness, anger, sadness, and frustration. Do not avoid your emotions but treat them as guides. Appreciate and observe them as you might observe a play.
  • Take the Long View. It is so easy to get caught in the turmoil of the conflict that we forget there will be a tomorrow. Take some quiet moments to close your eyes and see yourself in the future with the conflict resolved. Imagine how you will feel with the problem behind you. What would you like the relationship to look like a month from now? A year from now? Meanwhile, eat well, go to bed at regular hours, laugh, and allow yourself to forget the problem occasionally. This may not be easy, but it is effective. Allow your inner wisdom to work silently while you continue to engage in life.
  • Reframe. Step outside the conflict momentarily and look at it through a more objective lens. Instead of resisting, ask yourself if there is a gift here — an invitation to look at things differently or to try a new behavior. Acknowledge the other person by standing in his shoes. Why is he behaving this way? What does he want? How would you feel in his position?
  • Experiment. Brainstorm all possible responses to this situation and try them on for size. Ask a friend to role-play alternatives you think you’d never choose because they’re so unlike your usual persona. Have fun exercising unexplored selves.
  • Practice. Choose one new behavior that will make a positive difference in your attitude toward life and make a commitment to practice that behavior every day.

  • Count Your Blessings. Notice the good things in your life. Cultivate gratitude and wonder. Thank God for what you have been blessed with.

C. Conflict Resolution (practical uses)

Putting what we know about conflict resolution into practice can be difficult. The command to “love one another as I have loved you” is difficult to live out, especially in these dividing times. A loving and merciful response towards contentious individuals requires the cultivation of the virtues of humility, patience, and trust in our Lord. These virtues coupled with some fundamental conversation skills can allow us to arrive at a resolution that can leave both individuals feeling heard, accepted, and valued.


The journey of successful conflict resolution starts with cultivating a trust in God. However, this is not a blind trust, it must be coupled with responsibility to cultivate a loving response. This requires us to be open to the other, receiving them where they are at and is a process that requires us to trust that in discomfort, Christ is leading us towards becoming more loving individuals.


Below are practical steps to Conflict Resolution:

  • Step One: Clarify everyone’s positions and elaborate where necessary. The best way to start the process of clarification is to reflect what you heard in a non-judgmental way. This can be achieved by naming the intellectual and emotional content. Starting with reflecting on what you heard will help to ease the tension and will help people feel like you are being attentive and care about their concern. It will be helpful to start your reflection with phrases such as: “Help me understand if I heard you correctly …”; “What I am hearing you say is…”; “Would you clarify my summary?” It is important to follow up your reflections with an invitation for the other person to offer clarification if they think you misunderstood their point of view. If they clarify their position, make sure to reflect their clarification and ask for their input again. Continue this process of communication until the other person is satisfied with your interpretation.

  • Step Two: Assess the truth and value behind what is being said. Often, the viewpoint people hold is the fruit of them wrestling with the truth and lies they have experienced in life. When we can recognize the truth behind the value that is held is based on the other’s experience, we can meet others where they are. Ultimately, if we can understand the value that they felt was infringed, we can understand their emotional turmoil. An easy to remember practical application of this clarification and assessment can be used with the following sentence structure: “What I hear you saying is, that you feel…. (Name the emotion you suspect that they are feeling)”; “Because…. (Name the value that you suspect they believe was infringed)”; “So what I heard you ask for is... (Name what you believe they are requesting.) did I hear you correctly?”.

  • Step Three: Clarify why you hold your position. However, it is important to remember that instruction is not to convince the other that your viewpoint is the correct one. Rather, it is to offer clarification on the values at play within your own viewpoint. This can be a time to clarify and instruct on what the Church teaches, as well as offer appropriate self-disclosure in regard to the personal struggle at arriving at pragmatic solutions. Self-disclosure can be difficult to gauge what is appropriate versus inappropriate. Appropriate self-disclosure should reflect the internal conflicts that are a play when attempting the related pragmatic solutions. • Step Four: Move towards collaborative solutions. Compromising is not about sacrificing your values but recognizing the value in the other’s perspective. Resolution comes easiest when both parties make an effort to meet each other in compromise. If no attempt is made or something is being asked that would compromise the integrity of your personhood or priest hood, then resolution may not be appropriate. Accepting when resolution is not appropriate/ not possible is part and parcel of having appropriate boundaries.


Sometimes people may stop and ask for something or complain at inappropriate times. We still want to give a loving response but realize a resolution to the issues may not be possible to ascertain at that moment. In these cases, it is appropriate to acknowledge the concern and to assert that it is an important topic you do not want to rush through and would like to come back to it later. This allows you to acknowledge the request, while asserting your boundaries and creating space for the things you need to be attentive too. As mentioned above, when individuals are unwilling to meet in the middle or request something that would compromise one’s personhood or priesthood, this is a situation in which resolution is not possible. Here it is helpful to accept that reality and reflect to the individual that it seems what they are asking is too much or that it seems they are unwilling to meet you. It is not your responsibility to move a person out of their stubbornness. This is also where it is important to ask the Lord for strength and courage to be disliked, trusting in him to make all things goods, humility that you are made for God’s love and so is the other while acknowledging freedom is a prerequisite.


Conflict in life is not something that many of us seek out. However, in our role as shepherds, it often is placed at our feet. Responding to conflict instead of reacting to it is often the best way to remain firm in our position while also understanding the views that others bring to us. We would like to conclude with the Act of Love by St. John Vianney: 


I love You; O my God and my only desire is to love You until my last breath. I love You, O infinitely lovable God, and I prefer to die loving You rather than to live for a single moment without loving You. I love You, O my God, and I long for heaven only to know the bliss of loving You perfectly. I love You, O my God, and I only fear going to hell because there I will never experience the sweet consolation of loving You. O my God, if my tongue is not able to say at every opportunity that I love You, at least I want my heart to repeat it to You as many times as I take a breath. My God, give me the grace of suffering out of love for You, of loving You while I suffer; give me the grace of one day breathing my last breath out of love for You and at the same time feeling how much I love You. The closer I come to my final end, the more I beseech You to intensify and perfect my love for You. Amen.

The Truth about the Stages of Grief

By Irene Rowland MS, NCC, LPC • 07 Jun, 2023
There are many models for the stages of grief. The horseshoe shaped diagram is my favorite and I believe it to be the most realistic. Grief is not linear. People do not proceed through each stage in a neat, orderly fashion. Typically, stages are sometimes skipped and then returned to later, as well as stages being returned to multiple times. This can happen long after a person thought they had worked through that particular stage. Just as the traditional 5 stages of grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross are not a simple progression through the steps, neither are the many steps in the horseshoe model. If you drew a continuous line of how the steps might go for an individual, you would see that with all the jumbled directions going across and up and down the graph, it would look like a bunch of tangled thread. For many, that’s what grief really looks like. The Descent of Loss It can be a slow descent or a rapid plunge to the depths of grief. As stated already, we may or may not experience all of these stages and not necessarily in the order shown in the diagram. The tumble down to loneliness, guilt and isolation can be quite rough which almost makes those lows look restful compared to what it took to get there. Shock, Numbness, Denial It’s typical to be in a bit of a fog after you get the news of a significant loss, whether that’s of a loved one’s death, a job loss, a serious health diagnosis or any other kind of change that could be considered life changing. Grief is a natural response to the loss of how you thought things would continue to be and the future you expected. Emotional Outbursts, Anger, Fear Grievers can be easily triggered. Some losses are traumatic. With trauma, often there is hypervigilance. The fight or flight instinct is revved up, as though we must be on the lookout for any impending dangers at all times. We have all experienced reactions from people that seem disproportionate to a situation. These emotional outbursts are sometimes due to grief. The increased levels of cortisol when a person is in this escalated state of vigilance causes a lot of wear and tear on one’s body and mind. As a result, anxious, angry, or fearful people are perpetually emotionally and physically drained. This of course can lead to impaired judgement and become a vicious cycle. When there’s an anger response to grief, it can be directed toward others or oneself. Anger turned inward is one of the definitions of depression. The anger is sometimes directed toward the person who died, the boss who did the firing, the spouse who left or sometimes toward those who played “supporting roles” because it’s too difficult to be angry with the source of our angst. Fear drives the thoughts and beliefs of some of the irrational actions and behaviors of a person experiencing a significant loss. A typical piece of advice after a significant loss is to wait at least a year before implementing any big changes such as moving or a change in career. Part of the reasoning for waiting is that the individual will be further along the healing path which usually means that fear is not as much a part of one’s reasoning process. Searchings, Disorganization, Panic Trying to make sense of our pain, of the unexpected tragedies, of man’s inhumanity to man, or any number of other baffling incidences in life, is also a natural reaction. We often feel we can bear a crisis more easily if we can find some purpose in the suffering. Of course, there can be redemption in suffering, miracles can occur in disastrous situations, good can triumph over evil and all of this can be appreciated in retrospect. It is often quite difficult to discern any of this in the midst of the difficulties. Further down the road of one’s healing journey, these treasures can be discovered. I have found that the person who grieves must discover these on their own, rather than having others point them out, because they only sound like empty platitudes coming from others. Disorganization is part of the mental fog and lack of clarity during the depression of grief. Often a person in this state may be unsure of the day of the week or even unclear of the status of the basic things that they normally could keep track of, such as whether they remembered to take a shower or eat lunch. It can be very confusing to find oneself acting and thinking in ways that are so untypical of the usual way of doing things. Often the energy isn’t there to even be concerned about the discrepancy of who they knew themselves to be and who this stranger in the mirror is now. Panic can set in when this disconnect is truly realized. There can be a fear that the old familiar self may not reemerge. Panic can be the answer to all the unanswered questions of what the future might hold. There can be the fear that things will always be this disjointed and hard to understand, that life as one knew it, is gone. Guilt, Loneliness, Isolation, Depression The situations and emotions that grief entails often bring a person to their knees. This is at the bottom of the diagram in the pits of despair. Guilt can color many of the questions we ask ourselves and sometimes there’s a continuation of attempting to blame others and to lay the guilt on their heads. We often have grandiose ideas of our own power to be able to cause certain situations that were actually out of our control. Likewise, we can also assign more power to others than they are capable of having and thereby believing they are at fault in some way in a loss situation. We have all heard absurd news claims that a particular person, country, gender or ethnicity is at fault for a situation when the truth is there are many factors that play into most situations. Loneliness and isolation can breed depression. Sometimes we make matters worse by intentionally shutting out the rest of the world. Time alone and loneliness are not the same thing. We need solitude to think things through, regroup, reflect and recharge. I say that as an introvert. An extrovert gets their energy from those around them, so in that case they may regroup and recharge better with the support of others, talking through their concerns in their grief journey and thereby processing their thoughts aloud. Isolation during grief can also be a protective mechanism against having to put on a mask and acting as though you are doing better than you actually are. Isolation means not having to answer people’s questions of how you are doing or having to deal with all the things people say as an encouragement which turn out to be the opposite. This can put the griever in the awkward position of being cordial when they really want to scream. Re-Entry Troubles If a person stays on the perimeter of life for too long when there’s been a big loss, it can make re-entry more difficult. It is almost as though time stands still for the griever, but the world has moved on and you don’t quite fit in now. Things that were once important to you may now seem trivial. The latest movie, fashion trends, and the current gossip are all pretty insignificant now as compared to whatever importance you may have placed on them at one time. It’s all temporal and often grievers become larger picture type thinkers. Much is trivial when you’ve experienced the degree of brokenness that you didn’t know was even possible prior to your loss. New Relationships, Strengths, Patterns After a major loss, there’s a lot of reevaluation that comes out of the experience. We think differently. We see differently. Often there’s a new thirst for life because we’ve developed a new appreciation for the gifts that still remain. New relationships may come from a support group that helped you weather the storms of your trial. You might decide to use the time you have ahead of you to learn new things, catch up on your bucket list, resurrect old hobbies or any number of ways we can regenerate ourselves. All of these options could involve new people in our life and new ways of doing things. Strengths can develop from weaknesses. Surely, the difficult stages preceding these more positive ones involved succumbing to weaknesses at times. If our faith is predominant in our lives, we undoubtedly experience that in our weakness, He is strong and carries us through. Hope, Affirmation, Helping Others These last stages of grief are part of the adjustment to the “new normal”, the new life without the person, place, career, or situation in which we had such a connection. This is a connection so strong that the loss catapulted us into this grief journey which in many cases eventually ends up also being a growth journey. Most of us are familiar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which can certainly happen with a complicated grief situation. Some of the PTSD symptoms can occur with “regular” grief. Post Traumatic Growth (PTG) is also a possibility towards the end of the stages of grief. We can become more resilient, kinder, more attentive, more in tune with ourselves and others and generally living a life of more depth and meaning. Grievers typically don’t take things for granted as they may once have done. In the midst of the whirlwind of all these stages and conflicting emotions, God can bring beauty out of sorrow, restoration out of pain, and a peace that surpasses all understanding. This is hard to imagine during a time period when we could not envision there ever being anything positive coming out of loss. Often the magnitude of the loss experience feels like our solid ground is shaking and crumbling beneath our feet. We can find our way again and when we do, our losses become part of our life story. They may even be many chapters of our story, but it’s not the entire story. Our grief becomes part of us and can live side by side with life’s joys. There is life after grief and it can still be good. Photo Credit: unknown source

Good Shepherd Newsletter 12

By Staff • 08 Feb, 2023
Competency 12: Food & Mood

Good Shepherd Newsletter 11

By Staff • 14 Dec, 2022
Competency 11: The Advent of Stress
Share by: