Good Shepherd Newsletter 11

Competency 11: The Advent of Stress

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

Adventus. Arrival. The arrival of Christ in our hearts, in the world, and into God’s extraordinary plan for our salvation. Th e season of Advent is upon us. With it comes not only the call to spiritual preparation for Christmas, but also the nearly inherent need to manage the stress of the season. We’ve come to expect the bombardment of consumer commercialism, countdowns to Christmas and, as pastoral ministers, the vigilance necessary to keep Christ in Christmas for ourselves and others.


A. Parts Work

In the midst of this season, priestly formation along with the fruit of spiritual direction has sought to plant seeds of an individual call to personal integration. It is in that sense that we continue to work at bringing together in a psycho-spiritual wholesome manner both the best and the most challenged parts of ourselves. It is precisely this notion of “parts” that is being addressed here. While a unifi ed self is the goal, the implication is that there are “parts” to bring together. It’s not that we’re saying we all have a form of Dissociative (Multiple) Personality Disorder, but rather that we have aspects of our personality that oft en unconsciously are at work, or at war, within us.


At our September Convocation of Priests at Lake Lanier, Dr. LeNoir gave us an introduction to our “ internal family” of parts (Internal Family Systems/ IFS Th eory). He mentioned all of us having suppressed “Exiled”/ wounded/ fragile parts that are protected and controlled by our internal “Managers” and indulged and placated by our “Firefi ghters”. Dr. LeNoir sought to help us understand that these confl icted parts of ourselves are misguided attempts at self nurturing. He tried to assist us to learn that the real goal is parenting ourselves with a Holy Spirit inspired soothing and compassionate love. Ultimately, this is the key to being fulfi lled.


A parallel to IFS is commonly referred to as the Drama Triangle. In this downward pointing triangle three archetypes of our personality are proposed. At the downward point is the role of “victim”. Th e other two points of the triangle are the “Rescuer” and the “Persecutor”. It is important to point out that all the roles in the Triangle are fl uid, i.e. each role may switch and assume the other two roles both internally and externally with others. Whenever anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well.


Not surprisingly, Victims often feel victimized, trapped, helpless and hopeless. They are convinced they are at the mercy of life’s circumstances. Unwilling to take responsibility for their undesirable circumstances, they don’t think they have the power to change their lives and communicate the need to be rescued and often cast blame on Persecutors. If the Victims continue to stay in a ‘dejected’ stance, it will prevent them from making decisions, solving problems, changing the current state, or sensing any satisfaction or achievement.


Rescuers on the other hand constantly intervene on behalf of the Victims and try to save Victims from perceived harm. They feel guilty standing by and watching others suffer. While Rescuers may be well intentioned in their attempts to ‘help’ others, they fail to realize that by offering short-term fixes to Victims, they keep Victims dependent while neglecting their own needs. This is why Rescuers often find themselves pressured, tired, and may not have time to finish their own tasks, as they are busy coming to the aid of Victims.


In this paradigm, Persecutors are like critical parents who are strict and firm and set boundaries. Their tendency is to think that their perspective must win at any cost. Persecutors blame Victims and criticize the behavior of Rescuers without providing appropriate guidance, assistance, or solutions. Skilled at being critical and finding fault, and seeking to control while establishing order with rigidity. They keep the Victims oppressed and sometimes can be a bully.


As in IFS, the goal of working with these parts is inner reconciliation and transformation. The Drama Triangle becomes an inverted Empowerment Triangle pointing upward with the Victim transformed into the Creator at the pinnacle, focusing on outcomes and solution options rather than problems. At the bottom points of this redeemed triangle, the Rescuers become Coaches, who with compassion and faith in the potential of the creator offer goals and action plans. The role of Persecutor is transformed into that of Challenger, challenging notions of the status quo and striving for growth and development.


B. Opting out of the Drama Triangle

The way in which we manage conflict in our professional and personal lives is largely determined by our upbringing and early environments. These early prototypes also determine whether or not we choose to participate in drama and conflict. Do you recognize the victim’s voice saying, “Why does this always happen to me?”; or the Persecutor justifying actions by stating, “If you would have only done what I told you.”; or the Rescuer who is only happy when helping others?


Lack of self awareness can prevent us from realizing the cost of staying in the triangle and how it impacts our well-being and happiness in the long run. The first step in improving how we handle stress in relationships, and within ourselves, is to acknowledge it and take responsibility to change it. Understanding the drama triangle and different roles represented can allow us to identify our own patterns and be willing to change them. Recognizing patterns is not always easy. Think of the last conversation you had where you were sad, angry, or lonely afterwards. Play that conversation over in your head, as much as you can remember. Do you see what role from the drama triangle you were playing? Was the other person also taking on a role, or were they not engaging in the conflict?


We are creatures of habit and develop routines for almost every aspect of our lives. This includes conflict. We respond in similar ways to stimuli that we have experienced before. But we are not beholden to these reactions. By being aware of our roles and responses we can set boundaries with ourselves, and with others, to slowly start to change the patterns that we recognize to be harmful. Psychologist Acey Choy developed the Winner’s Triangle to counteract the Drama Triangle:


Vulnerable. The vulnerable person allows their emotional process when they’re having a rough time, but knows that they have the resources and abilities to find their own path and get their needs met. They can ask for help but won’t take a ‘No’ as a personal slight. They will respect another’s autonomy to set a boundary.


Responsible. A responsible person is a caring individual but rather than enabling dependent behavior, they will encourage empowerment. They will recognise that their help is most effective when showing someone in a vulnerable position that they’re able to stand on their own two feet. They will be able to set healthy and respectful boundaries, being honest about their own needs, and being able to meet them within the responsible role.


Potent/Assertive. The potent/assertive position is someone who actively meets their own needs and drives, but unlike a persecutor, they won’t need to do it at the expense of anyone else. They will be good problem solvers and negotiators, finding a way to meet their needs, without shaming, belittling, or picking on others. When we are able to opt out of the drama triangle we allow ourselves breathing room and the ability to lower our overall stress.


C. Stress Management

Stress is a universal experience. It is how our mind and bodies handle the tasks and situations that are set before them. No one in the history of mankind has been able to escape stress, not even our Lord or his Mother. When discussing strategies for good stress management is it helpful to make a distinction between Distress and Eustress.


Distress is often referred to as negative stress, as this causes our bodies to produce cortisol and somatic responses that put the body in a fight, flight, or freeze mentality. This puts a load on the body and mind from which often is difficult to recover, especially as more distress is added or encountered. Distress typically comes about when we feel a threat to our identity, in particular to how we see ourselves or how we think others see us as “good” (good is quotation due to the fact many people can have different ways of measuring what they need to do in order to be considered good). Many times you can identify when you are in distress when you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk or demanding self-talk. “ I must deliver a homily that changes the heart of my congregation, or else I am not a good pastor”, “ This meeting must go well, or the event won’t happen, and I won’t be the good pastor I feel the Lord is calling me to be.”, “In order to be a good pastor I should know how to love any soul that comes my way”. This negative self-talk comes from the threat that if a certain result is not achieved then my identity as a good pastor, person, or son of God is threatened to be true, which typically can result in a feeling of helplessness and being overwhelmed. As we will discuss below, the ways to combat distress will focus on how to let go of the result of the situation and focus on how to grow.


Eustress is referred to as positive stress. This is the stress you experience when you are trying to improve at something and it pushes you to keep getting better. For example, studying for a test in order to gain a better understanding of the subject material, or working on developing skills like playing an instrument in order to develop your musical abilities. This is typically positive because it provides motivation and drive without invoking the intense somatic response that is associated with distress. Eustress is typically influenced by our ability to perceive an opportunity for growth rather than a threat to our fundamental identity. One can tell that he is experiencing eustress from the self-talk he has which typically recognizes limitations, is adaptable, and focused on the next step rather than the result. . “I hope that I am able to help people understand the importance of Christ. I would like to share with those I can, the incredible gift of Christ becoming incarnate”, “ I have high hopes for the event going well. If we experience hiccups along the way, I will use them as an opportunity to learn how to plan the next event”, “I would love to be able to help this soul, however, I am not sure what would be the best course of action. I would like to consult my friend on how he would recommend the process”. This self-talk allows the person to recognize that it is okay to have limitations, while not allowing the limitation stop him from growing and developing insights to give a better homily, prepare for events, or how to be attentive to individuals. It allows the person to recognize the value that they are good not because of the result they are able to produce but rather because of the gift God has given them to be able participate in his work. This is reminiscent of the quote from St. Mother Teresa “God has not called me to be successful, He called me to be Faithful”.


A helpful framework to keep in mind when managing stress is to focus on how you cultivate restoration and rest versus distraction and vegging out. Restoration helps the person transition from distressing task by providing themselves w/ a space that allows them let go of the distressing task/ situation, This can include things like prayer, honing skills like: playing an instrument, wood working, art, writing, or other creative means, and spending time with close friends, and exercise. Rest is important as sometimes our minds and bodies need a moment of quiet and silence. This helps the person receive some time to recharge and be able to face stressful situations again. Some helpful resting strategies included allowing yourself to have some alone time, sleep, being outdoors, and to do mindfulness exercise (examination of body and mind). The key to rest is allowing yourself to receive and listen to your body and mind. While in restoration we allow ourselves to focus on continuing to develop skills while giving ourselves permission that we don’t need to have everything accomplished today. Distraction and ‘vegging’ are typically not as helpful when dealing with distress. It may help to quiet the negative self-talk for a moment, but it comes back later. When handling stress we want to help ourselves promote a mentality of St. Pope John XXII, “Lord, it is your Church, I am going to bed”.


As we prepare for the arrival of our Lord, it is good to remember that Mary and Joseph faced their own stresses as they prepared for the birth of our Savior. Stress is completely natural. We owe it to ourselves to face the adversity that causes our stress and prepare ourselves by accepting who we are, recognizing our patterns and committing to change.

The Truth about the Stages of Grief

By Irene Rowland MS, NCC, LPC • 07 Jun, 2023
There are many models for the stages of grief. The horseshoe shaped diagram is my favorite and I believe it to be the most realistic. Grief is not linear. People do not proceed through each stage in a neat, orderly fashion. Typically, stages are sometimes skipped and then returned to later, as well as stages being returned to multiple times. This can happen long after a person thought they had worked through that particular stage. Just as the traditional 5 stages of grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross are not a simple progression through the steps, neither are the many steps in the horseshoe model. If you drew a continuous line of how the steps might go for an individual, you would see that with all the jumbled directions going across and up and down the graph, it would look like a bunch of tangled thread. For many, that’s what grief really looks like. The Descent of Loss It can be a slow descent or a rapid plunge to the depths of grief. As stated already, we may or may not experience all of these stages and not necessarily in the order shown in the diagram. The tumble down to loneliness, guilt and isolation can be quite rough which almost makes those lows look restful compared to what it took to get there. Shock, Numbness, Denial It’s typical to be in a bit of a fog after you get the news of a significant loss, whether that’s of a loved one’s death, a job loss, a serious health diagnosis or any other kind of change that could be considered life changing. Grief is a natural response to the loss of how you thought things would continue to be and the future you expected. Emotional Outbursts, Anger, Fear Grievers can be easily triggered. Some losses are traumatic. With trauma, often there is hypervigilance. The fight or flight instinct is revved up, as though we must be on the lookout for any impending dangers at all times. We have all experienced reactions from people that seem disproportionate to a situation. These emotional outbursts are sometimes due to grief. The increased levels of cortisol when a person is in this escalated state of vigilance causes a lot of wear and tear on one’s body and mind. As a result, anxious, angry, or fearful people are perpetually emotionally and physically drained. This of course can lead to impaired judgement and become a vicious cycle. When there’s an anger response to grief, it can be directed toward others or oneself. Anger turned inward is one of the definitions of depression. The anger is sometimes directed toward the person who died, the boss who did the firing, the spouse who left or sometimes toward those who played “supporting roles” because it’s too difficult to be angry with the source of our angst. Fear drives the thoughts and beliefs of some of the irrational actions and behaviors of a person experiencing a significant loss. A typical piece of advice after a significant loss is to wait at least a year before implementing any big changes such as moving or a change in career. Part of the reasoning for waiting is that the individual will be further along the healing path which usually means that fear is not as much a part of one’s reasoning process. Searchings, Disorganization, Panic Trying to make sense of our pain, of the unexpected tragedies, of man’s inhumanity to man, or any number of other baffling incidences in life, is also a natural reaction. We often feel we can bear a crisis more easily if we can find some purpose in the suffering. Of course, there can be redemption in suffering, miracles can occur in disastrous situations, good can triumph over evil and all of this can be appreciated in retrospect. It is often quite difficult to discern any of this in the midst of the difficulties. Further down the road of one’s healing journey, these treasures can be discovered. I have found that the person who grieves must discover these on their own, rather than having others point them out, because they only sound like empty platitudes coming from others. Disorganization is part of the mental fog and lack of clarity during the depression of grief. Often a person in this state may be unsure of the day of the week or even unclear of the status of the basic things that they normally could keep track of, such as whether they remembered to take a shower or eat lunch. It can be very confusing to find oneself acting and thinking in ways that are so untypical of the usual way of doing things. Often the energy isn’t there to even be concerned about the discrepancy of who they knew themselves to be and who this stranger in the mirror is now. Panic can set in when this disconnect is truly realized. There can be a fear that the old familiar self may not reemerge. Panic can be the answer to all the unanswered questions of what the future might hold. There can be the fear that things will always be this disjointed and hard to understand, that life as one knew it, is gone. Guilt, Loneliness, Isolation, Depression The situations and emotions that grief entails often bring a person to their knees. This is at the bottom of the diagram in the pits of despair. Guilt can color many of the questions we ask ourselves and sometimes there’s a continuation of attempting to blame others and to lay the guilt on their heads. We often have grandiose ideas of our own power to be able to cause certain situations that were actually out of our control. Likewise, we can also assign more power to others than they are capable of having and thereby believing they are at fault in some way in a loss situation. We have all heard absurd news claims that a particular person, country, gender or ethnicity is at fault for a situation when the truth is there are many factors that play into most situations. Loneliness and isolation can breed depression. Sometimes we make matters worse by intentionally shutting out the rest of the world. Time alone and loneliness are not the same thing. We need solitude to think things through, regroup, reflect and recharge. I say that as an introvert. An extrovert gets their energy from those around them, so in that case they may regroup and recharge better with the support of others, talking through their concerns in their grief journey and thereby processing their thoughts aloud. Isolation during grief can also be a protective mechanism against having to put on a mask and acting as though you are doing better than you actually are. Isolation means not having to answer people’s questions of how you are doing or having to deal with all the things people say as an encouragement which turn out to be the opposite. This can put the griever in the awkward position of being cordial when they really want to scream. Re-Entry Troubles If a person stays on the perimeter of life for too long when there’s been a big loss, it can make re-entry more difficult. It is almost as though time stands still for the griever, but the world has moved on and you don’t quite fit in now. Things that were once important to you may now seem trivial. The latest movie, fashion trends, and the current gossip are all pretty insignificant now as compared to whatever importance you may have placed on them at one time. It’s all temporal and often grievers become larger picture type thinkers. Much is trivial when you’ve experienced the degree of brokenness that you didn’t know was even possible prior to your loss. New Relationships, Strengths, Patterns After a major loss, there’s a lot of reevaluation that comes out of the experience. We think differently. We see differently. Often there’s a new thirst for life because we’ve developed a new appreciation for the gifts that still remain. New relationships may come from a support group that helped you weather the storms of your trial. You might decide to use the time you have ahead of you to learn new things, catch up on your bucket list, resurrect old hobbies or any number of ways we can regenerate ourselves. All of these options could involve new people in our life and new ways of doing things. Strengths can develop from weaknesses. Surely, the difficult stages preceding these more positive ones involved succumbing to weaknesses at times. If our faith is predominant in our lives, we undoubtedly experience that in our weakness, He is strong and carries us through. Hope, Affirmation, Helping Others These last stages of grief are part of the adjustment to the “new normal”, the new life without the person, place, career, or situation in which we had such a connection. This is a connection so strong that the loss catapulted us into this grief journey which in many cases eventually ends up also being a growth journey. Most of us are familiar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which can certainly happen with a complicated grief situation. Some of the PTSD symptoms can occur with “regular” grief. Post Traumatic Growth (PTG) is also a possibility towards the end of the stages of grief. We can become more resilient, kinder, more attentive, more in tune with ourselves and others and generally living a life of more depth and meaning. Grievers typically don’t take things for granted as they may once have done. In the midst of the whirlwind of all these stages and conflicting emotions, God can bring beauty out of sorrow, restoration out of pain, and a peace that surpasses all understanding. This is hard to imagine during a time period when we could not envision there ever being anything positive coming out of loss. Often the magnitude of the loss experience feels like our solid ground is shaking and crumbling beneath our feet. We can find our way again and when we do, our losses become part of our life story. They may even be many chapters of our story, but it’s not the entire story. Our grief becomes part of us and can live side by side with life’s joys. There is life after grief and it can still be good. Photo Credit: unknown source

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