holy-family-counseling-center

Teach Us to Number Our Days: How knowing our Story and Easter Help Us Live with Clarity

Tue, 31 Mar 2026 18:15:03 GMT

There’s a line in Scripture that feels both poetic and slightly unsettling:

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” — Psalms 90:12

It sounds peaceful—until you realize what it’s actually saying. Number your days.

Not manage them. Not optimize them. Not color-code them and hope for the best. Count them. Pay attention to them. Recognize that they are finite, and therefore meaningful. Most of us measure our days by what we accomplish. Scripture invites us to measure them by what we attend to. One leads to efficiency, the other leads to wisdom—and they are not always the same.

Most of us, if we’re honest, don’t really live that way. We live quickly. Reactively. We move from one thing to the next, often unaware that we are living inside a story we haven’t taken the time to understand. And that’s where the work proposed by Dan Allender becomes so helpful. Story work insists on something we tend to avoid: your life is not random. It is a story, and until you begin to understand it, it will shape you in ways you don’t fully see.

The Story You’re Living (and Probably Not Examining)

Most people don’t wake up thinking, “Today I will unconsciously repeat patterns formed in childhood.” But we do. We react to tone, withdraw from conflict, overextend ourselves, or shut down emotionally—and then we explain it away with phrases like, “That’s just how I am.”

But Story work gently pushes back on that. No, that’s not just how you are. That’s how you learned to be. For example, someone who grew up in a home where conflict felt unsafe may learn to avoid it entirely. As an adult, that can look like being “easygoing,” but it often leads to unspoken resentment or emotional distance. The behavior isn’t random—it’s rooted in a story that made sense at the time. Unless we take time to understand how our story has shaped us, we’ll keep living on autopilot—repeating patterns without ever questioning them. This is where Psalm 90 becomes more than poetic language. To “number our days” is to become aware of them. To notice what we feel, how we respond, and what keeps showing up again and again. This awareness is where wisdom begins.

Slowing Down Enough to Actually See Your Life

Of course, this sounds good in theory. In practice, it’s… inconvenient. As soon as I wrote the above paragraph I rolled my eyes and said, “Here’s more time needed for someone to examine themself and not fully understand what it means, or what to do with it.” The fact of the matter is we cannot understand our stories at the pace most of us are living. As I reflected on in February, our society has trained us to move faster than our souls can keep up with. That line lands because it’s true.

We are efficient, productive, and often deeply disconnected. We scroll instead of reflect. We react instead of process. We fill silence because, if we’re honest, silence tends to surface things we’d rather not deal with. And yet, as another insight reminds us, “healing begins when we finally give ourselves permission to slow down—emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.”

That’s not just good spirituality. That’s good psychology. You cannot integrate a story you refuse to sit with.

Easter Isn’t Just a Celebration—It’s a Pattern

If we take seriously the idea that our lives are stories, then we also have to ask what kind of story we are living. Afterall, not all stories follow the same arc. Some feel stuck or repetitive, and some feel like they took a turn we never would have chosen. If we’re honest, many of us are trying to edit our story in real time—skipping the hard parts, minimizing the painful ones, and rushing toward resolution.

But this is where both knowing our stories and scripture gently interrupt us: They suggest that the middle matters. This is precisely where Easter becomes more than a destination—it becomes a lens. As we move through Lent, we don’t just prepare for a celebration. We rehearse a pattern: suffering, death, and resurrection. Not as abstract theology, but as the shape of real human experience. We love the resurrection part. In fact, many of us quietly start counting down to it, eager to move past the discomfort of Lent and into something lighter. But the story doesn’t work that way. There is no resurrection without crucifixion. No new life without something first being laid down.

And that is where knowing our story connects so directly to our own lives.

Most of us are living somewhere in the middle of that pattern—between what has been lost and what has not yet been restored. And understanding our story invites us to stay there long enough to actually see it,to name the wounds, to acknowledge the losses, to recognize how those experiences have shaped the way we see ourselves, others, and even God. Because here’s the paradox at the heart of both Easter and Storywork: The parts of your story you want to avoid are often the very places where transformation begins.

Why Understanding Your Story Changes Everything

Research in narrative psychology shows that we are constantly constructing meaning from our experiences. Psychologists often refer to this as “narrative coherence”—the ability to make sense of your life story in a way that feels integrated rather than fragmented. We don’t just live events; we interpret them and those interpretations shape our identity, our relationships, and our emotional health. When those interpretations are unclear or distorted, life feels chaotic, reactions feel disproportionate, and patterns feel unbreakable. But when we begin to make sense of our story—when we connect the dots between past and present—something shifts.

We stop mislabeling ourselves.

We stop reacting blindly.

We start responding with intention.

Life doesn’t necessarily get easier in the sense that problems disappear but it becomes more understandable. That kind of clarity reduces a surprising amount of unnecessary suffering.

The Resistance to Looking at Our Story

If all of this is so helpful, why don’t we do it more often?

Because it’s uncomfortable.

Slowing down feels unnatural. Reflection feels inefficient. And looking at parts of our story—especially the painful ones—can feel risky. However, avoidance has a cost. Unexamined stories don’t disappear; they just operate in the background. They shape how we love, how we trust, how we handle stress, and how we interpret God’s presence in our lives. Knowing our story doesn’t eliminate pain, it prevents pain from remaining meaningless.

Where God Is in the Middle of Your Story

From a Catholic lens, this is where things become deeply hopeful. Because your story is not something you are navigating alone. God is not waiting at the end of your life story, evaluating it. He is present within it—especially in the parts that feel confusing or unfinished.

Easter makes this clear. The disciples thought the story was over on Good Friday. From their perspective, everything had fallen apart. But what looked like an ending was actually a transformation. Resurrection didn’t erase the suffering. It gave it meaning. And that same pattern holds true in our lives. The moments that feel unresolved, painful, or unclear are not necessarily the end of the story. They may be the place where something new is quietly beginning.

Often, we don’t recognize God’s presence in real time. We recognize it in hindsight—when we begin to see that what felt like absence was sometimes invitation, and what felt like delay was often formation.

Numbering Your Days, Living Your Story

So what does it actually look like to “number your days”? It looks less like counting and more like noticing. It looks like paying attention to your reactions instead of dismissing them. It looks like reflecting on your experiences instead of rushing past them. It looks like asking honest questions about your life and being willing to sit with the answers. It looks like slowing down enough to see your story—and trusting that even the difficult parts are not wasted. When you begin to understand your story, you begin to live it differently and, perhaps most importantly, with more hope.

A Final Word (and an Invitation)

If Easter tells us anything, it’s that no part of your story is beyond redemption.

Not the painful chapters.

Not the confusing middle.

Not even the parts you’d rather skip entirely.

Story work simply helps you see what has been there all along: that your life is not random, and your story is not finished.

At Holy Family Counseling Center , this is the work happening every day; not quick fixes or surface-level solutions, but the deeper work of helping people understand their stories with honesty and compassion.

Because healing rarely begins with having everything figured out.

It begins with paying attention.

It begins with slowing down.

It begins with being willing to ask, gently and honestly:

What is my story—and what might God be doing in it right now?

Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish: A Christian Therapist’s Guide to Mental, Physical, and Spiritual Health

Mon, 16 Mar 2026 13:24:10 GMT

Many people I meet in therapy are deeply caring, generous, and responsible. They are the kind of people who show up when others need help. They volunteer. They support their families. They carry burdens quietly. They try to do the right thing.

And almost without exception, they are completely exhausted.

Not because they don’t love the people in their lives. But because somewhere along the way they learned a quiet lesson: taking care of yourself comes last.

For people of faith, this belief can run even deeper. Some worry that prioritizing their own well-being might be selfish or spiritually immature. After all, doesn’t Scripture call us to put others first?

But both good therapy and Christian wisdom point to a different truth. Self-care is not selfish.

In many ways, it is an act of stewardship .

When we care for our minds, bodies, and spiritual lives, we are not stepping away from our responsibilities—we are strengthening our ability to live them well. A depleted person cannot love well for long. Eventually the tank runs dry.

Healthy self-care restores the energy, clarity, and peace that allow us to show up more fully for God, for others, and for the work we are called to do.

Why Self-care isn’t selfish

One of the first things that happens in therapy is surprisingly simple: people begin to realize that they are allowed to have needs. That sounds obvious, but for many people it’s actually revolutionary.

In counseling, we often talk about the idea that you cannot pour from an empty cup. If someone spends years constantly giving, fixing, managing, and supporting others without receiving care themselves, eventually something runs dry. It may show up as anxiety, irritability, exhaustion, burnout, or simply a quiet sense that life feels heavier than it should.

Therapy helps people pause long enough to ask a few important questions:

● What do I actually need right now?

● Where am I running on empty?

● What would it look like to care for myself with the same compassion I show others?

Self-care in therapy rarely looks like glamorous Instagram posts of spa days and perfectly arranged candles (although if candles help you relax, by all means light one). More often, it looks like small but meaningful changes:

● Learning to say “no” to something that drains you.

● Setting a boundary with someone who consistently takes more than they give.

● Giving yourself permission to rest—even when the to-do list is still staring at you from across the room.

● Reconnecting with activities that bring joy: walking outside, gardening, music, painting, or simply sitting quietly for a few minutes.

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t the action itself—it’s letting go of the guilt that comes with it. When people begin caring for their emotional and mental health, something remarkable happens: they show up differently in the rest of their lives. They become more patient, more present, and more capable of loving others well.

Good therapy helps people build daily rhythms that support emotional wellness—rest, movement, relationships, reflection, and meaningful work. For people of faith, this kind of care goes even deeper. It becomes a way of honoring the life God has given them.

One thing Christianity has always emphasized—especially in Catholic teaching—is that the human person is wonderfully integrated. We are not just souls floating around inside bodies. We are not just minds solving problems all day. We are whole persons : body, mind, and spirit woven together. When one part suffers, the others feel it. Scripture captures this beautifully when it reminds us that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. That idea carries a quiet but powerful implication: caring for our bodies and minds is not separate from our spiritual lives. It’s part of them. Getting enough sleep, nourishing our bodies, exercising, managing stress, seeking help when we’re overwhelmed—these things aren’t signs of weakness. They’re ways of respecting the gift of life we’ve been given. In fact, many Christian traditions—particularly Catholic social teaching—have long emphasized the dignity of the human person and the importance of caring for the whole individual. It’s a perspective that fits surprisingly well with modern psychology. God designed us as integrated beings, and flourishing means tending to every part of that design.

What Happens When We Neglect Self-Care?

When people consistently push their own needs aside, the effects rarely stay contained to one area of life. Over time, neglecting self-care can affect emotional health, relationships, physical well-being, and even a person’s sense of spiritual peace. Many people first notice it through symptoms of burnout—persistent exhaustion, irritability, difficulty concentrating, or feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities that once felt manageable.

Others experience it relationally. When someone is chronically depleted, patience becomes harder to maintain, small frustrations feel larger, and meaningful connections can begin to suffer. Physical health can also be affected; chronic stress is linked to sleep disruption, increased anxiety, lowered immune response, and a variety of other health concerns.

From a spiritual perspective, exhaustion can also make it more difficult to pray, reflect, or feel connected to God. Many people describe feeling spiritually distant when they are simply running on empty.

None of these challenges mean someone has failed. More often, they are signals that the body and soul are asking for restoration. Self-care, in this sense, is not indulgence—it is responding wisely to those signals before exhaustion becomes a deeper crisis.

Spiritual Self-Care: The Quiet Anchor

I often see people working hard to improve their mental and physical well-being. But one area that sometimes gets overlooked is spiritual care. Yet for many people, this is the deepest source of peace. Spiritual self-care isn’t about checking religious boxes or performing perfectly. It’s about creating space to reconnect with God in ways that restore the heart. For some people, that might mean attending church regularly or spending time in quiet prayer. Others find renewal in reading Scripture, journaling, or reflecting on the lives of faithful men and women throughout history who walked closely with God. Some encounter God most clearly during a quiet walk outside. Others in music, service, or moments of silence. The form can vary. The goal is the same: making room to remember that we are not alone.

When life becomes overwhelming, spiritual rhythms act like an anchor. They remind us that our worth does not come from productivity, perfection, or how many problems we solved this week.

Our worth comes from something much deeper: being loved by God.

And that truth can be incredibly freeing.

The Forgotten Gift of Rest

Modern life has a strange relationship with rest. On one hand, everyone says they want more of it. On the other hand, our culture quietly celebrates exhaustion as a badge of honor. “Busy” has become the new “important.”

Scripture tells a different story. At the very beginning of creation, God establishes a rhythm of work and rest.

The Sabbath wasn’t introduced because humans are lazy—it was given because humans are not machines.

Rest is built into the design of life.

For centuries, Christian traditions have emphasized the importance of Sabbath, leisure, and contemplative time. Not leisure as laziness, but leisure as renewal. Time to reconnect with family; time to enjoy beauty; time to step away from endless productivity and remember what life is actually about.

Ironically, many people find that when they allow themselves real rest, they become more focused, more creative, and more emotionally balanced. Rest isn’t something we earn after proving our worth. It’s something we need because we are human. If you’re interested in exploring the spiritual side of rest more deeply, you may also enjoy our reflection on Slowing Down for Lent and the importance of holy unproductivity.

Living from Wholeness Instead of Exhaustion

When people begin viewing self-care through this broader lens—mental, physical, and spiritual—it stops feeling like another item on the to-do list. Instead, it becomes a way of living. We begin to notice what restores us, what drains us, and what draws us closer to God and to others. For me personally, some of the most meaningful forms of self-care are surprisingly simple: quiet prayer, time outdoors, meaningful conversations, and occasionally remembering to drink the coffee I painstakingly cold brewed.

These small practices remind me that I am not defined only by roles—therapist, parent, friend, or professional.

Before all of that, I am a child of God.

And so are you.

How to Actually Start Practicing Self-Care

If you’ve spent years caring for everyone else first, the idea of self-care can feel vague—or even uncomfortable. People often tell me, “I know I should take better care of myself… I just don’t know where to begin.” The good news is that self-care doesn’t require a dramatic life overhaul.

It usually begins with small, intentional adjustments that restore balance over time. Here are a few places that therapy often starts.

1. Identify What’s Draining You

Before adding new habits, it’s helpful to notice where your energy is going. Many people feel exhausted not because they’re doing too little self-care, but because they’re constantly overextending themselves —emotionally, relationally, or professionally.

In therapy, we often explore questions like:

● What parts of your week leave you feeling depleted?

● Where do you feel obligated rather than called?

● Are there relationships that consistently take more than they give?

Awareness alone can be powerful. Sometimes the first step in self-care is simply recognizing what needs to change.

2. Practice Healthy Boundaries

For many people, self-care begins with learning one simple—but difficult—word:

No .

Healthy boundaries are not about shutting people out or becoming selfish. They’re about protecting the space necessary to live well and love well. Without boundaries, even the most generous person eventually burns out.

This might look like:

● Limiting work that spills into every evening.

● Saying no to commitments you don’t realistically have time for.

● Creating small pockets of quiet in your day.

● Allowing yourself to disappoint people occasionally (which, for many of us, is harder than it sounds).

Interestingly, when people begin practicing healthy boundaries, they often find that their relationships actually become more honest and more respectful.

3. Care for Your Body First

When life becomes stressful, many people try to solve the problem by “thinking harder.” But emotional resilience often begins with physical foundations. Three areas matter more than people realize:

Sleep . Lack of sleep amplifies anxiety, irritability, and emotional reactivity.

Movement . Regular physical activity helps regulate stress hormones and improves mood.

Nutrition . Stable energy and brain function depend on regular, balanced meals.

These may sound simple, but when people start improving even one of these areas, they often notice meaningful shifts in mood and clarity. In many ways, caring for the body is one of the most practical ways to honor the idea that our lives are gifts entrusted to us.

4. Rebuild Small Rhythms of Renewal

Self-care becomes sustainable when it moves from occasional “treats” to consistent rhythms. Rather than waiting for a vacation or a perfect free day, healthy rhythms might include:

● Ten minutes of quiet reflection in the morning

● A short walk after work

● A weekly dinner with family or friends

● Reading something that nourishes your mind instead of scrolling endlessly.

These practices don’t need to be elaborate. What matters is consistency. Over time, these small rhythms begin to restore a sense of steadiness in life.

5. Reconnect with God Without Pressure

For people of faith, self-care often includes renewing the spiritual life—but not in a way that feels like another task to complete. Sometimes spiritual renewal begins with something very simple: slowing down enough to be honest with God.

That might look like:

● A few minutes of quiet prayer

● Reflecting on Scripture

● Sitting silently in a church

● Taking a walk and speaking to God as you would to a close friend

Christian tradition—including Catholic spirituality—has long emphasized that God meets us not only in grand spiritual moments but also in ordinary daily life. The goal isn’t perfection in prayer. The goal is relationship. And relationships grow through time and attention.

Self-Care as Stewardship

When people begin practicing these habits, something important shifts. Self-care stops feeling like self-indulgence and begins to feel more like stewardship. Just as we care for relationships, families, and responsibilities entrusted to us, we are also called to care for the life God has placed in our hands. That includes our minds. Our bodies. And our souls. Taking care of yourself is not stepping away from your responsibilities. It’s strengthening your ability to live them well. Healthy self-care allows us to live with greater clarity, peace, and purpose—caring for the whole person God created: mind, body, and spirit.

Finding Support for Your Mental and Spiritual Well-Being

If life has been feeling heavy, or if you’ve been putting yourself last for far too long, it may be time to pause and check in with someone who can help. At Holy Family Counseling Center, we work with individuals who want to rediscover balance, resilience, and peace through thoughtful, compassionate therapy. Your well-being matters. Your story matters. And investing in your health—mind, body, and spirit—is always worth it.

Frequently Asked Questions About Self-Care and Faith

Is self-care biblical?

Yes. Scripture consistently emphasizes stewardship of the life God has given us. Caring for our physical health, emotional well-being, and spiritual life allows us to love others more faithfully. Even Jesus regularly stepped away from crowds to rest, pray, and restore Himself before continuing His ministry.

What does Christian self-care look like?

Christian self-care often includes both practical and spiritual practices. This may involve maintaining healthy boundaries, getting adequate rest, spending time in prayer or Scripture, nurturing supportive relationships, and seeking help when emotional struggles become overwhelming. These practices help people care for the whole person—mind, body, and spirit.

Is it selfish for Christians to focus on their own mental health?

No. In fact, caring for mental health can help people live out their faith more fully. When individuals address stress, anxiety, or emotional exhaustion, they often become more patient, present, and compassionate in their relationships with others.

Can therapy strengthen a person’s faith?

For many people, therapy helps remove emotional barriers that interfere with spiritual growth. Counseling can help individuals process grief, reduce anxiety, improve relationships, and develop healthier patterns of thinking—all of which can deepen their ability to experience peace, meaning, and connection with God.

When should someone consider seeing a therapist? It may be helpful to speak with a therapist if stress, anxiety, sadness, or relationship struggles begin interfering with daily life. Therapy can also be valuable for people who simply want to grow, gain clarity, or develop healthier patterns in their lives.

The "Imposter" in the Mirror: Why Self-Worth is More Than Just a High-Five to Yourself

Wed, 25 Feb 2026 13:30:11 GMT

W e’ve all been there. You’re standing in front of the mirror, maybe trying to psych yourself up for a big presentation or a first date, and that little voice in your head—let's call him "Lloyd"—decides to pipe up. "Are we really wearing that shirt?" Lloyd asks. "And by the way, remember that time in third grade when you called your teacher 'Mom'? Yeah. You're still that person." Lloyd is a jerk (no offense to any Lloyd’s reading this, I know you’re awesome). But Lloyd is also a symptom of a much larger, much noisier cultural problem: the confusion between self-esteem and self-worth .

Our culture is obsessed with "hacking" our confidence. We have 15-step skincare routines to make us feel pretty, LinkedIn badges to make us feel smart, and enough positive affirmation mugs to fill a small warehouse. But here’s the kicker: you can have sky-high self-esteem because you just got a promotion and your hair looks great, and still have zero self-worth when the lights go out.

The Great Value Mix-Up

Let’s get nerdy for a second. In therapy-speak, self-esteem is often transactional. It’s how you feel about yourself based on your performance, your looks, or how many people liked your last social media post. It’s a roller coaster. You win? High esteem. You trip over a flat surface in public? Low esteem. Side note: This one is personal for me.

Self-worth , on the other hand, is your intrinsic value. It’s the baseline. It’s the belief that even if you lose your job, your gym goals fail, and you accidentally reply-all to a company-wide email with a meme of a cat eating spaghetti, you are still fundamentally valuable.

A Little Help from Upstairs

Even if you aren’t hitting the pews every Sunday, there’s some serious psychological gold in the Catholic perspective on this. The Church teaches that you are Imago Dei —made in the image and likeness of God. Before you roll your eyes, think about the clinical implication of that. If your value is "given" to you by a Creator, it means you didn't earn it. And if you didn't earn it, you can’t lose it.

In the Catholic view, we often get caught in the "guilt trip" stereotype. But true humility isn't thinking less of yourself; it's thinking of yourself less . It’s realizing that you don't have to be the CEO of the Universe to be worthy of love. You’re a beloved child, which is basically the ultimate spiritual tenure; you can’t be fired from being you.

How to Actually Cultivate Self-Worth (Without the Fluff)

If you’re tired of Lloyd’s commentary, here are a few ways to start building a foundation that doesn't crumble when life gets messy:

1. Fire the "Performance Review" Judge

Most of us run our lives like we’re constantly under a 24/7 performance review. Stop asking, "Did I do enough today to deserve to feel good?" and start asking, "How did I honor my inherent dignity today?" Did you rest when you were tired?

Did you say no to a toxic request? Those are acts of self-worth.

2. Embrace the "Messy Stable"

There’s a beautiful irony in the Nativity story—God showing up in a literal barn. It’s a reminder that holiness and worth don’t require a pristine environment. Your life can be a bit of a dumpster fire right now, and you are still a masterpiece in progress. You don’t have to "clean up" before you’re allowed to value yourself.

3. Practice "Radical Acceptance"

This is a favorite in the therapy world. It doesn't mean you like your flaws; it means you stop fighting the reality of them. “Yes, I am someone who struggles with anxiety. And yes, I am still worthy of a seat at the table.” When you stop wasting energy hating your shadow self, you have more energy to actually grow.

Finding Your Way Home: Holy Family Counseling Center

Sometimes, Lloyd’s voice is just too loud to handle on your own. If you find that your sense of worth is consistently tied to your "to-do" list or that old wounds are keeping you from believing you’re enough, you don’t have to navigate that desert alone. At Holy Family Counseling Center , we specialize in this exact intersection of psychological expertise and spiritual depth.

Our clinicians help you peel back the layers of "performance-based identity" to find the resilient, God-given worth underneath. Whether you are dealing with depression, anxiety, or just the heavy weight of expectations, we offer a space where your faith is respected as a part of your healing. You can find us at www .holyfamilycounselingcenter.com to start a conversation that’s about healing, not just "fixing."

Slowing Down for Lent: A Therapist’s Case for Holy Unproductivity

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 15:21:46 GMT

I spend a lot of my days telling people to slow down.

I say it gently, of course. I say it while holding a mug of coffee that’s gone cold because I forgot to drink it. I say it while glancing at my own calendar, which—if I’m honest—often looks like a competitive sport. As a Catholic therapist, I live at the intersection of faith and feelings, prayer and patterns, grace and nervous systems. And every Lent, without fail, the same theme shows up in my office and in my own life: I am tired, and I don’t know how to stop.

Our culture is not particularly fond of stopping. We admire hustle. We reward output. We celebrate efficiency, productivity, and optimization. Even rest has been rebranded as something you do so that you can work better later. God forbid you rest simply because you are human.

Lent arrives each year like an unwanted knock at the door of this over-scheduled life. It barges in with a planner and a productivity app. Almost as a continuation of New Year’s Resolutions that we already are done with. It asks us to do more as our Lenten promises add on to our to-do lists.

Or maybe, just maybe it asks us—almost annoyingly—to do less. Or at least, to do fewer things that keep us from becoming who we are meant to be.

From a therapeutic standpoint, this makes perfect sense.

The Pace That Is Killing Us (Softly, With Notifications)

Most of my clients don’t come in saying, “I worship productivity as a false god.” They come in saying things like, “I can’t sleep,” or “I feel numb,” or “I’m doing everything right, so why do I feel so empty?” Many of them are faithful people who pray and genuinely want to grow closer to God—yet they approach their spiritual lives the same way they approach their inboxes: quickly, efficiently, and usually while multitasking. This goes the same for my clients that have no faith tradition.

Our society has trained us to move faster than our souls can keep up with. Technology promises connection, but it rarely allows for communion. We scroll, skim, swipe, and react, but we don’t linger. We consume information constantly, yet we rarely digest it. Psychologically speaking, this keeps our nervous systems in a chronic state of low-grade stress. Spiritually speaking, it makes silence feel threatening.

The problem isn’t that productivity is bad. Work is good. Creation itself begins with God working—slowly, deliberately, and with frequent pauses to notice that things are good. The problem is that productivity has become a measure of worth. If I am not producing, achieving, improving, or optimizing, then I must be failing.

That belief quietly seeps into our relationship with God. We start to believe that holiness is something we accomplish rather than something we receive. Lent becomes another self-improvement project. Give up sugar. Pray more. Be better. Try harder. Exhaust yourself in the name of sanctity.

No wonder so many people burn out quickly.

A Therapist's Observation: Growth Requires Slowness

In therapy, change does not happen quickly. If it does, I’m usually suspicious. Real growth requires safety, repetition, and time. Trauma heals slowly. Habits change slowly. Trust develops slowly. Even insight—those “aha” moments we love—takes time to sink from the head into the heart.

When people try to rush healing, they often end up reinforcing the very patterns they’re trying to escape. The same is true spiritually. You cannot bully your soul into holiness. You cannot shame yourself into virtue. You cannot sprint your way into deep prayer. This is where Lent, properly understood, becomes a gift rather than a burden.

Lent is not about cramming more spiritual activity into an already overstuffed life. It is about creating space. Space to notice what drives us. Space to feel what we’ve been avoiding. Space to listen for God, who rarely shouts. The Church, in her wisdom, has always known this. Which brings us to some of my favorite unlikely spiritual guides: a group of ancient monks who ran away to the desert.

Lessons From the Desert (No WI-FI, Plenty of Wisdom)

The Desert Fathers and Mothers were early Christians who left the cities to seek God in solitude, silence, and simplicity. As a therapist, I’m endlessly fascinated by them—not because they were perfect, but because they were painfully honest about the human condition. They understood distraction, compulsion, pride, and despair long before smartphones gave them new names.

One of the most striking things about the Desert tradition is how little emphasis there is on doing impressive things. The advice is often boring. Stay in your cell. Be faithful to prayer. Eat simply. Sleep. Work with your hands. Repeat.

There’s a famous saying attributed to Abba Moses: “Go, sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.” In modern terms, this is deeply inconvenient advice. Sit? With my thoughts? Without noise? Absolutely not. And yet, psychologically, it’s brilliant. When we slow down and remove constant stimulation, what rises to the surface is not usually peace. It’s restlessness. Anxiety. Old wounds.

Temptations we’d rather not acknowledge. The Desert Fathers didn’t flee distraction because they were holy; they became holy because they stopped fleeing themselves. Lent invites us into a kind of interior desert—not to punish us, but to tell us the truth about what we’re carrying.

Why Slowing Down Feels So Hard

From a therapeutic lens, our resistance to slowing down makes sense. Busyness is an excellent coping strategy. It keeps us from feeling grief. It distracts us from loneliness. It gives us a sense of control in a world that is often frightening and unpredictable.

Spiritually, busyness can become a way of avoiding God. That may sound harsh, but it’s usually not intentional. God asks for our hearts, and our hearts are messy. It is much easier to give Him tasks.

The Desert Fathers warned against what they called acedia , often translated as sloth, but better understood as a restless avoidance of the present moment. Acedia whispers, “Anywhere but here. Anything but this.” It can look like laziness, but it can also look like frantic activity. Sound familiar? Lent is an antidote to acedia, not because it makes us more productive, but because it roots us more deeply in reality. It asks us to stay.

Lent as a Season of Regulating the Soul

In therapy, one of the first goals is helping people regulate their nervous systems. When we are constantly overstimulated, our capacity for reflection, empathy, and prayer shrinks. Slowing down is not a luxury; it is a requirement for integration. Lent offers built-in practices that do exactly this—if we let them.

Fasting, for example, is not about willpower. It is about learning to tolerate desire without immediately satisfying it. That skill is essential for emotional maturity and spiritual freedom.

When we fast, we discover how quickly we reach for comfort—and how deeply we are loved even when we are uncomfortable.

Prayer during Lent is often simplified. Fewer words. More silence. This can feel unproductive, but silence is where we relearn how to listen. As the Desert Fathers knew, God is not impressed by eloquence. He responds to availability.

Almsgiving slows us down by pulling us out of our self-absorption. It interrupts the illusion that our lives are solely about us. When done thoughtfully, it cultivates compassion rather than guilt. None of these practices are meant to exhaust us. They are meant to humanize us.

A Gentle Warning About “Winning” Lent

Every year, I see people treat Lent like a spiritual CrossFit competition. Who gave up the most?

Who prayed the longest? Who suffered hardest? This approach is usually fueled by good intentions and a not-so-good relationship with self-compassion.

From both a therapeutic and Catholic perspective, suffering is not redemptive unless it is united to love. The goal of Lent is not to break ourselves open through sheer force. It is to allow God to do the work we cannot do on our own.

The Desert Fathers were surprisingly wary of extremes. They warned that ascetic practices pursued without humility often lead to pride or collapse. Moderation, they insisted, was key—not because God is bland, but because humans are fragile. If your Lenten practices leave you more irritable, disconnected, or self-critical, that is information worth praying with.

Practicing Slowness This Lent (Without Moving to the Desert)

You do not need to quit your job, smash your phone, or start weaving baskets in the wilderness. Slowing down for Lent can be profoundly ordinary. You might choose to do one thing at a time. Eat without scrolling. Pray without background noise. Walk without headphones once in a while. Let silence be awkward. It usually passes.

You might shorten your prayer time but show up more consistently. Five minutes of honest presence is often more transformative than an hour of distracted effort.

You might resist the urge to fill every empty moment. Boredom is not a failure; it is a doorway. You might notice where you rush and gently ask why. Not to judge yourself—therapists hate that—but to understand yourself.

Above all, you might let Lent be less about self-improvement and more about self-reception. God does not need you to optimize your soul. He desires you, as you are, tired and unfinished and deeply loved.

The Slow Work

There is a line often attributed to Teilhard de Chardin about trusting the slow work of God. Whether or not he said it exactly that way, the sentiment is deeply therapeutic. God is not in a hurry. We are. The Desert Fathers believed that transformation happens quietly, over time, through faithfulness to small things. So does modern psychology. So does anyone who has ever tried to change a habit or heal a wound.

Lent is not a detour from real life. It is a return to it. A chance to move at a pace that allows us to notice grace. A season to remember that we are not machines, not projects, not problems to be fixed—but beloved creatures, invited to rest even as we repent.

So if this Lent you find yourself slowing down, feeling uncomfortable, resisting the urge to be impressive—take heart. You are probably doing it right. And if you fail? Welcome to the desert. We’ve all been there. Stay awhile. God is already closer than you think.

In my own work at Holy Family Counseling Center , I see this truth play out every day. People don’t come because they are bad or spiritually lazy; they come because they are human beings trying to survive at an inhuman pace.

Again and again, healing begins not when someone learns a new technique, but when they finally give themselves permission to slow down—emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Lent offers this same invitation on a wider scale: to pause long enough to notice where we are rushing, what we are avoiding, and how gently God is waiting for us there. Therapy and faith, at their best, are doing the same holy work—helping us become more fully present to ourselves, to others, and to God.

The Star in the Window: A Midwinter Reflection for the Soul

Fri, 16 Jan 2026 22:59:17 GMT

As the calendar turns and the glitter of the Christmas Season begins to settle into the quiet, gray periphery of January, there is a collective pressure to "reset". We are inundated with messages about the "New You", usually packaged in the form of rigid resolutions or the sudden, frantic desire to fix everything that felt broken in the previous year.

As a therapist, I often see the fallout of this "Resolution Culture" in my office. By the second or third week of January, many of my clients feel a sense of premature failure. They set a bar based on a fleeting burst of midnight motivation, and when the reality of daily life—the fatigue, the stress, the old habits—returns, they feel more discouraged than they did in December.

This year, I want to invite you to step away from the secular treadmill of self-improvement and instead lean into the liturgical rhythm of the Church. We are currently in the season of Epiphany , a time that offers a much more compassionate and profound framework for personal growth than any gym membership or habit-tracker ever could.

Moving Beyond the New Year, New Me Myth

One problem with New Year’s resolutions is that they are often rooted in a rejection of self. We look at our flaws and say, "I must delete this version of myself and install a better one". From both a psychological and a Catholic perspective, this is a flawed starting point.

In therapy, we know that true, lasting change doesn't come from self-hatred; it comes from integration . In Catholic teaching, we are reminded that we are already "fearfully and wonderfully made". Our goal isn't to become someone else, but to become more fully who God created us to be. Instead of resolutions, let’s look at this time of year from a different perspective, that of the Epiphany —the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles, represented by the journey of the Magi.

The Wisdom of the Magi: A Different Kind of Journey

The journey of the Wise Men wasn't a race; it was a long, arduous, and patient trek guided by a singular light. They didn't have a 12-step plan to change who they were; they had a star.

1. Finding Your "Star" (Values vs. Goals)
In clinical practice, we often distinguish between goals and values. A goal is something you can check off a list (e.g., lose ten pounds). A value is a direction you move in (e.g., caring for the temple of the Holy Spirit).

The Magi followed a star—a distant, steady light. They didn't reach it in a day. As you look at this new year, ask yourself: What is my star? Is it a deeper capacity for patience? Is it a commitment to silence? Is it the courage to set boundaries that protect your peace? When we focus on the "star" (the value) rather than a rigid "resolution" (the goal), we allow room for the journey to be messy. If the Magi took a wrong turn, they didn't go home; they looked back up at the sky and corrected their course.

2. The Gifts: Inventory, Not Deletion
The Magi brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh. They brought what they had. In this season, I encourage you to do a "Soul Inventory." Instead of looking at what you lack, look at what you are carrying.

What are the "gifts" of your personality?
What are the "myrrhs"—the bitter pains or griefs—that you are currently holding? In the therapeutic process, we bring these things into the light. In the Catholic tradition, we offer them to the Christ Child. Nothing is wasted. Even your struggles are gifts in the sense that they are the raw material God uses for your sanctification.

Epiphany as a Bridge to Lent

Many people see January as a vacuum and February as a countdown to Lent. But the Church, in her wisdom, uses this time as a bridge. Epiphany is about revelation —seeing things as they truly are.

If Lent is the season of "doing" (e.g., fasting, almsgiving, prayer), then the weeks following Epiphany are the season of "seeing." You cannot effectively fast from a habit if you don't understand the hunger it’s trying to fill. You cannot give alms with a joyful heart if you haven't recognized the abundance God has already given you.

Preparing the Soil

Think of this time as "tilling the soil." Before a farmer plants (Lent), he must clear the rocks and turn the earth. This is the psychological work of January and February.

Observation without Judgment: Spend these weeks simply noticing your patterns. When do you feel most anxious? When do you feel most distant from God? Don't try to fix it yet. Just see it.
The Power of Another Way: After meeting Jesus, the Magi "departed for their country by another way" (Matthew 2:12). This is a beautiful metaphor for the therapeutic journey. Once you encounter the truth—whether in the confessional or the therapist’s chair—you cannot simply go back to the old routes. You are invited to find a "new way" home.

Practical Soul-Work for the Season

Since we are moving away from the pressure of resolutions, how do we actually use this time? Here are a few "low-pressure, high-grace" suggestions for the weeks ahead:

1. Practice The Examen - St. Ignatius of Loyola gave us a brilliant psychological tool in the Daily Examen. At the end of the day, don't list your failures. Instead, ask:

Where did I see God's light today? * Where did I turn away from it? This builds the "muscle" of awareness that you will need when Lent arrives.

2. Identify Your "Herod" - In the Epiphany story, Herod represents the ego, the fear, and the desire for control that feels threatened by the "New King" (grace). What is the Herod in your life right now? Is it a need for perfection? Is it a specific resentment you’re clinging to? Recognizing your internal Herod is the first step toward preventing it from sabotaging your spiritual growth.

3. Rest as a Spiritual Discipline - The Magi traveled far, but they also stopped. Our culture demands constant production. But in the quiet of winter, the earth rests. Allow yourself a Sabbath of the Mind. If you are feeling burnt out, the most Catholic and psychologically sound thing you can do isn't to add a new prayer routine, but to sleep an extra hour and acknowledge your human limitations. We are creatures, not the Creator.

Looking Toward the Desert

Soon enough, the ashes will be placed on our foreheads, and we will enter the desert of Lent. But we don't have to rush there. If we spend this Epiphany season truly following our "star"—seeking the truth of who we are and who Christ is—we won't enter Lent out of a sense of should or guilt.

Instead, we will enter Lent like people who have seen a Great Light. We will fast because we’ve realized we are hungry for something better than what the world offers. We will pray because we’ve realized we can’t make the journey alone.

A Final Thought from the Couch

If you find yourself struggling this January—if the New Year energy feels more like a heavy weight than a fresh start—take a deep breath. You are not a project to be solved. You are a person to be loved.

The Magi didn't find a palace; they found a child in a humble, probably messy, stable. God meets you in the messy stable of your current life—not the perfected palace of your resolutions.

This year, let’s stop trying to resolve our lives and start trying to reveal them. Let the light of the Epiphany show you the way, one small, patient step at a time.

Walking Together at Holy Family Counseling Center

If navigating these internal movements feels overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to follow the star alone. At Holy Family Counseling Center , we specialize in walking alongside individuals and families as they integrate their psychological health with their Catholic faith. Whether you are struggling to identify your Herod or simply need a safe space to process the myrrh in your life, our clinicians are here to help you find that other way toward healing and peace.

When and How to Make Amends: Discernment, Boundaries, and the Catholic Call to Healing

Tue, 11 Nov 2025 14:00:53 GMT

As a Catholic therapist, I often sit with clients who are wrestling with a deeply human question: When is it the right time to make amends ? Whether it’s reaching out to someone who has hurt them, or considering their own responsibility in a fractured relationship, the process of healing often leads us into the tender territory of reconciliation.

But forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same thing. Forgiveness is something we’re called to offer freely—an act of the will that releases resentment and gives us peace, even when the other person hasn’t apologized. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is a step that involves two people. And discerning when—or even if—that step should be taken requires wisdom, prayer, and often, boundaries.

Let’s explore how we can approach this process with care and courage, supported by both therapeutic tools and the richness of our Catholic faith.

Discerning the Right Time to Make Amends

Discernment is a familiar concept in Catholic life. We use it to seek God's will in big decisions—vocations, careers, relationships. But it’s just as important in the smaller, more personal moments too, like choosing when to reach out to someone who has hurt us, or someone we may have hurt.

Therapy can be a valuable space for this kind of discernment. Sometimes the desire to make amends comes from a sincere place of healing and readiness. Other times, it may be driven by guilt, pressure, or a longing for closure that the other person may not be able to give. In our sessions, I often help clients explore their motivations. Are you seeking peace, or permission? Healing, or validation?

Discernment is about honesty—with yourself, with God, and with your emotional limits. St. Ignatius of Loyola offers a helpful framework for discernment rooted in prayerful reflection, noticing the movements of the heart. If the thought of reconciliation brings a sense of peace, courage, and compassion, it may be time. If it stirs anxiety, dread, or a sense of obligation, it may be wise to wait, or to approach things differently.

The Role of Boundaries in Forgiveness and Healing

One of the most common misconceptions I hear, especially among people of faith, is that setting boundaries is somehow un-Christian. But in truth, boundaries are acts of love —toward ourselves and others. They help define what is safe, respectful, and life-giving in a relationship.

Forgiveness does not mean allowing someone to continue harming us. Christ calls us to forgive, yes, even “seventy times seven” times (Matthew 18:22), but He does not call us to abandon prudence or endure abuse. Remember, even Jesus withdrew from hostile crowds at times (John 10:39), and He taught that reconciliation involves both repentance and change (Luke 17:3-4).

In therapy, we often work on developing “healthy boundaries” that allow us to engage with others from a place of strength and safety. For example, it’s okay to forgive a parent for past wounds without allowing them to manipulate your present life. It’s okay to love a sibling from a distance if closeness continues to result in harm. And it’s okay to hope for reconciliation without forcing it to happen.

Boundaries are not walls; they are gates. They give us the freedom to let people in—but only when it is healthy and appropriate to do so.

Making Amends with Compassion and Clarity

If and when the time does come to make amends, whether as the person extending forgiveness or the one asking for it, approaching the conversation with humility and clarity is essential. We can take inspiration from the Sacrament of Reconciliation, where the process of confession involves examining our conscience, naming our sins, expressing true contrition, and receiving both forgiveness and guidance.

Similarly, when making amends in our personal lives, we begin by acknowledging what happened—not defensively, but honestly. We share how the situation has affected us. We listen. We don’t demand immediate restoration, but we open the door to it.

And sometimes, we might take that step and find that the other person isn’t ready. Or they respond with defensiveness, denial, or more harm. That’s when we return to our boundaries. Forgiveness is still possible, but reconciliation may need to remain a hope rather than a present reality.

Spiritual Guidance Along the Way

Throughout this process, our faith can be an anchor. Prayer becomes a conversation with the God who knows every wound and walks with us through every step of healing. The saints offer examples of both radical forgiveness and wise discernment. St. Monica, for instance, teaches us about perseverance in love and prayer without enabling harmful behavior. St. Maria Goretti’s story is often cited for her forgiveness, but we also remember her clarity in saying no to harm.

And of course, the Sacraments nourish us. Receiving the Eucharist strengthens us to love like Christ. Confession helps us experience God’s mercy, so we can extend it more freely to others. Spiritual direction can also be helpful when navigating complex relationships and emotional burdens through a faith-based lens.

Trusting the Slow Work of Healing

Making amends and setting boundaries aren’t one-time decisions. They are part of an ongoing, unfolding process of healing. We may feel ready one day and hesitant the next. That’s okay. Forgiveness is not linear, and relationships—especially broken ones—rarely heal overnight.

But I’ve seen firsthand the beauty that emerges when people engage in this work with courage. When they honor both their pain and their desire for peace. When they protect their hearts with boundaries, but still remain open to love. And when they trust that, even if reconciliation is not possible now, it may one day be—with God’s grace.

In Conclusion

If you’re in the midst of wrestling with whether to make amends, take heart. It’s not an easy decision, and it doesn’t have to be rushed. Therapy can offer tools and support. Your faith can offer wisdom and hope. And both can help you move forward with peace.

Forgiveness will always be a part of the journey. But reconciliation? That’s something we discern, with prayer and prudence. And no matter where you land—whether you reach out, stay silent, or hold space from afar—you are not alone in the journey.

If you haven’t yet read Part One of this series, I encourage you to explore the foundations of forgiveness and healing in both therapy and Catholic tradition. That post dives into the inner process of releasing pain and embracing God’s mercy—a powerful first step before considering reconciliation.

May you be filled with gentleness, wisdom, and the peace that comes from the One who forgave us first.

Forgiveness can feel impossible at times—but it’s also one of the most healing gifts we can give ourselves. If you're carrying the weight of resentment or hurt and feel ready to explore a path toward release and peace, therapy can help. At Holy Family Counseling Center , we create a safe space to process the past, understand your emotions, and move forward with intention. Connect with us when you're ready—we’re here to walk that path with you.

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

Mon, 27 Oct 2025 13:30:20 GMT

Forgiveness is a profound and often challenging journey—one that touches the very core of our humanity. Whether it's a betrayal by a close friend, a misunderstanding with a loved one, or a deep-seated wound from the past, the pain of being hurt can linger long after the event. Yet, in both therapy and Catholic teachings, forgiveness emerges not as a mere act of letting go, but as a transformative process that leads to healing, peace, and reconciliation.

Understanding the Emotional Weight of Hurt

As a therapist, I frequently encounter individuals grappling with the emotional aftermath of hurtful experiences. The initial reaction to pain often manifests as anger, sadness, or even numbness. These emotions, while natural, can become barriers if not addressed. Psychotherapy provides a safe space to explore these feelings, helping individuals understand the root causes of their pain and the impact it has on their lives.

Techniques such as Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) and Narrative Therapy are particularly effective in this regard. EFT helps individuals identify and process the underlying emotions that drive their reactions, fostering a deeper understanding of their emotional responses. Narrative Therapy, on the other hand, encourages individuals to reframe their personal stories, allowing them to see their experiences from a different perspective and find meaning in their suffering.

Through these therapeutic approaches, individuals can begin to unravel the complexities of their emotions, paving the way for healing and, eventually, forgiveness.

The Catholic Perspective on Forgiveness

Forgiveness holds a central place in Catholic teachings. Jesus' words in Matthew 18:22, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times," underscore the boundless nature of forgiveness. This directive challenges us to forgive not just once, but continually, reflecting the infinite mercy God extends to us.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) further illustrates this concept. In the story, the father eagerly welcomes back his wayward son, symbolizing God's unconditional love and readiness to forgive. This narrative serves as a powerful reminder that no matter how far we stray, God's mercy is always available to us.

Moreover, the Sacrament of Reconciliation offers Catholics a tangible means to experience God's forgiveness. Through confession, individuals acknowledge their sins, express contrition, and receive absolution, restoring their relationship with God and the Church. This sacrament not only provides spiritual healing but also strengthens the capacity to forgive others.

Distinguishing Forgiveness from Reconciliation

However, It's essential to differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is a personal act of releasing resentment and the desire for revenge. It is an internal process that frees the individual from the emotional burden of past wrongs. Reconciliation, however, involves the restoration of a relationship and may require mutual effort and trust-building.

Therapy can assist individuals in navigating this distinction. For instance, in cases of abuse or ongoing harm, reconciliation may not be advisable or safe. A therapist can help individuals assess the situation, set healthy boundaries, and determine the most appropriate course of action.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Embracing forgiveness can lead to profound healing . Psychologically, it can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, fostering a sense of peace and emotional well-being. Forgiveness allows individuals to release negative emotions and move forward, unburdened by past grievances.

Spiritually, forgiveness aligns individuals with God's will, promoting inner peace and harmony. It reflects the love and mercy that God extends to humanity and calls us to share with others. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church states, "The whole power of the sacrament of Penance consists in restoring us to God’s grace and joining us with him in an intimate friendship" ( CCC 1468 ).

Embracing the Journey of Forgiveness

The path to forgiveness is often neither quick nor easy. It requires introspection, vulnerability, and, at times, professional guidance. Therapy can provide the tools and support necessary to navigate this journey, helping individuals process their emotions, challenge negative thought patterns, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

In conjunction with therapeutic practices, engaging with Catholic teachings and sacraments can deepen one's understanding and experience of forgiveness. Prayer, reflection on Scripture, and participation in the Sacrament of Reconciliation can strengthen the resolve to forgive and provide spiritual nourishment along the way.

In conclusion, forgiveness is a gift—both to oneself and to others. It is a process of healing that encompasses emotional, psychological, and spiritual dimensions. By integrating therapeutic approaches with Catholic teachings, individuals can embark on a journey toward reconciliation, peace, and renewed relationships.

If you're interested in exploring this topic further, consider reading the second part of this series, where we delve into the role of self-forgiveness and the transformative power of embracing one's own imperfections.

Your Thoughts Lead the Way

Tue, 16 Sep 2025 01:31:04 GMT

We often have more control than we realize. I’m going to lead you through an exercise in order to illustrate this point. Visualize a tree with deep roots and a strong trunk leading up into beautiful branches and leaves. Oftentimes, we retain concepts better if we can see it mapped out.

To that end, let’s do a little art therapy together and when you have completed your masterpiece, you can put it on your refrigerator or somewhere that you’ll notice it often:

First draw a tree trunk with the roots showing.
Under half of the roots write the word FEAR in dark, shaky, ominous looking letters.
Under the other half of the roots write LOVE in happy looking handwriting (maybe pretty cursive if you dare).
Vertically up the tree trunk write “thoughts/beliefs”.
Now it’s time to add lots of branches, twigs, and leaves. Among these branches, add the wording “actions/behaviors” throughout the branches.

If you are looking for extra credit, add a variety of nice healthy looking fruit and some rotting fruit with flies.

Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” In most circumstances, at the root of our thoughts is either fear or love. These thoughts then drive our actions and behaviors. Sometimes we are coming from a solid, healthy place and other times from a shaky, fear based place. This is worth looking at in order to grow more and more into the emotionally healthy individual we have the potential to become.

All fear based thinking is not detrimental obviously. God created us with healthy fight or flight instincts for when we are in actual danger. This is of course a good thing. For purposes of learning how to live a more emotionally balanced life, we’re looking at thoughts that come from an unhealthy fear which could potentially drive behaviors and actions that don’t serve us well.

Thoughts Drive Behavior
There are ten top cognitive distortions. Let’s break this down a little. Cognitive means having to do with the brain. Distortions are things that are twisted, so basically cognitive distortions are twisted, unhealthy or irrational thoughts. We have more control over our lives if we operate from a place of clear, healthy, rational thoughts. Everyone experiences some of these types of thoughts so it’s good to know that it’s “normal”. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters. Do we buy into the lie that we’ve told ourselves or do we remind ourselves of the truth? If you tracked these negative thoughts throughout the week, it would be surprising to see how often this happens. Let’s look at the top 10 cognitive distortions. They’re not in any particular order but we each have a pattern of our “favorites” that we default to when we engage in what some call “stinking thinking”.

All or Nothing Thinking - also known as black and white thinking. Usually things in life aren’t 100% one way or the other and the truth is somewhere in between in the gray area. Words such as never and always fall into this category. The words usually, often and sometimes are probably more truthful in most circumstances.

Overgeneralizing - an example would be seeing an event as a never-ending pattern. A student with good grades being concerned that they’re going to flunk a course because of one failing quiz grade is a good example of this.

Mental Filter - dwelling on the negatives and ignoring the positives. When this happens, the mind dwells on the glass being half empty. This is not only discouraging for the person who chooses to live this way, but also makes it difficult for others to be around them often.

Discounting Positives - an example is not giving any credit for that which is good in a person and only paying attention to what needs improvement.

Jumping to Conclusions- the thoughts don’t always match the facts. There are subsets of this type of distorted thinking. One is Mind Reading when we assume we know what the other person is thinking for instance. This is a common relationship issue. We need to state what we have to say instead of believing the other person already knows. Fortune Telling also is a way that we oftentimes falsely decide that we know how something is going to happen. We all know those who have had something negative happen in the morning and then decide that this is going to be a bad day. Their negative thinking is usually what propels the rest of the day to be less than desirable. Their self-fulfilling prophesy informs how they choose to handle the rest of the day.

Magnification and Minimization - making things larger or smaller than they actually are. We’ve all seen a mountain made out of a molehill or something huge being discounted as being trivial.

Emotional Reasoning - letting feelings be regarded as truth such as I feel unworthy therefore I am.

Should Statements - when we use should/should not, must, have to or similar language about ourselves or others, we are self-bullying or other bullying. An example would be if a person thought that as a good parent they have to read a bedtime story every night to their child. The truth is that as a good parent, they get to/are happy to read a story nightly but they could still be a good parent without imposing this on themselves. A parent with a migraine could let their child know that they’re not feeling well and will read two stories the next night and still fulfill their idea of being a good parent.

Labeling -calling oneself a loser for instance because you made mistakes, instead of stating the truth that you made a mistake.

Self-Blame and Other-Blame -taking on blame that isn’t rightfully all yours or blaming others when the fault lies partially with you also.

All of these unhealthy ways of thinking can cause us to have inappropriate responses to life’s situations. When we have a negative thought, we need to slow down and ask ourselves if it’s legitimately true or have we exaggerated or added incorrect meaning to a situation. When we operate from a place of truth, our behaviors are going to be more sane, more productive, life-giving and fruitful. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, practice paying attention to your thoughts. If they are true, operate from that place for the best outcomes. If the thoughts are not truthful and therefore won’t serve you well, it’s time to regroup and remind yourself of what the actual truth is. It’s ok to have your initial thought be an unlovely, negative thought that’s untrue. What matters is what you do with it. Hopefully your response is to turn it around into the truth and proceed from there. Looking for cognitive distortions can be like a treasure hunt. Your response of countering with the truth is pure gold.

If this exercise resonated with you, try repeating the “Thought Tree” once a day for a week and notice one cognitive distortion you catch—then practice swapping it for a truer, kinder thought. If you'd like help applying these tools in therapy, please contact us at 678-993-8494 or visit Holy Family Counseling Center . If you ever feel overwhelmed or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact local emergency services or the 988 Lifeline immediately. Small shifts in how we think add up—you're not alone on this path to greater emotional health.

Strengthening Marriages: Therapy and the Catholic Vision of Sacramental Love

Mon, 18 Aug 2025 19:08:40 GMT

Marriage, within the Catholic tradition, is more than a civil contract; it is a sacred covenant—a sacrament that mirrors Christ's love for the Church. This divine institution calls couples to a life of mutual self-giving, fidelity, and openness to life. However, the journey of married life is not without its challenges. Even the most devout couples may encounter periods of difficulty, whether due to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or external stresses. In such times, marriage therapy can serve as a beacon of hope, offering tools to rebuild and strengthen the marital bond.

This article delves into the intersection of therapeutic practices and Catholic teachings, exploring how professional counseling can align with and enhance the sacramental understanding of marriage.

The Catholic Understanding of Marriage

At the heart of Catholic doctrine is the belief that marriage is a sacrament instituted by Christ. As outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator" . This covenant is characterized by three essential goods: unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility.( Vatican , USCCB )

Unity

Marriage unites a man and a woman into "one flesh," transcending individual desires to form a singular, harmonious partnership. This unity is not merely physical but encompasses emotional, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. It calls for a deep, abiding connection that reflects the unity between Christ and His Church.

Indissolubility

The Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Jesus' words, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9), underscore the permanence of the marital bond. This indissolubility is not contingent upon circumstances but is a testament to the enduring nature of divine love.( St. Charles Borromeo ).

Openness to Fertility

Marriage, in its fullest sense, is ordered toward the procreation and education of children. The Catechism states, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" . Even couples who are unable to have children can live out this openness through acts of love, hospitality, and service.( Vatican ).

The Role of Therapy in Strengthening Marriages

While the sacramental understanding of marriage provides a spiritual framework, therapy offers practical tools to navigate the complexities of married life. Professional counseling can help couples address issues such as communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, and external stresses. Therapists employ various modalities to assist couples in strengthening their relationship a few of which are included below:

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. It aims to identify negative interaction patterns and replace them with positive cycles of interaction. EFT has been shown to be effective in treating relationship distress and fostering secure emotional bonds .( Verywell Mind )

The Gottman Method

Based on extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of building a sound relationship foundation, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. It provides couples with practical tools to enhance communication and deepen intimacy .( Verywell Mind ).

Imago Relationship Therapy

Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into healing opportunities. It encourages partners to understand each other's childhood wounds and how they influence current relationship dynamics. The therapy employs structured dialogues to promote empathy and understanding .( Verywell Mind )

Integrating Therapy with Catholic Teachings

Therapy and Catholic teachings are not mutually exclusive; rather, they can complement each other in fostering a thriving marriage. Catholic couples can integrate therapeutic practices with their faith by:

Engaging in Shared Prayer: Regular prayer together invites God's presence into the relationship, fostering spiritual intimacy.
Participating in the Sacraments: Regular reception of the Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation strengthens the couple's bond and commitment.
Living Out Catholic Values: Practicing virtues such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness aligns with both therapeutic principles and Catholic teachings.
Seeking Pastoral Support: Engaging with a parish priest or spiritual director can provide guidance and support in living out the sacrament of marriage.

By integrating therapy with Catholic teachings, couples can cultivate a deeper, more resilient, and more loving union that reflects God's own love.

Marriage, as envisioned in the Catholic faith, is a sacred covenant that calls couples to live out a love that is self-giving, faithful, and open to life. While challenges are inevitable, therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these difficulties and strengthen their bond. By integrating therapeutic practices with Catholic teachings, couples can build a marriage that not only endures but thrives, becoming a testament to the love of Christ for His Church.

Every relationship faces seasons of struggle, and seeking support is a sign of strength—not failure. Whether you're looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, or simply grow closer, we’re here to help. At Holy Family Counseling Center we offer couples therapy rooted in empathy, honesty, and proven tools to strengthen your connection. Reach out today and let’s work together to nurture your marriage.

Navigating Grief and Loss: Therapy and the Catholic Theology of Hope and Resurrection

Fri, 15 Aug 2025 15:30:43 GMT

Grief & Hope: Therapy and Catholic Teachings on Loss and Eternal Life

Grief is something that touches all of us eventually. It may arrive suddenly with the death of a loved one, linger quietly through the end of a relationship, or follow the quiet disappointment of a long-held dream falling apart. Whatever the cause, the pain of loss often arrives uninvited and stays longer than we expect. It can leave us feeling like the ground beneath our feet has shifted, upending our sense of security, meaning, and identity.

In these moments, therapy offers a way to make sense of the pain, to find meaning in suffering, and — slowly but surely — to begin healing. For people of faith, particularly within the Catholic tradition, grief is not something to be merely endured. It’s something that can be transformed through the lens of Christ’s death and resurrection. By combining psychological support with theological hope, the journey through grief can become not just a passage through sorrow, but also a path toward deeper love, connection, and peace.

The Complexity of Grief: Not a Straight Line

One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence. Many of us are familiar with the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are helpful in recognizing the emotions involved in loss, but they’re not a strict roadmap. Real grief is messy (see our blog article here ). It doesn’t move in a straight line. Some days, you might feel like you’ve made peace with the loss; on others, a small memory can unravel you unexpectedly.

Therapists understand this complexity. In therapy, you’re given a space to express the full range of your emotions without judgment. That in itself can be healing—being able to cry, vent, or sit silently and just be seen. Many therapists use grief specific approaches to help people understand the depth of their emotions and develop tools to cope. These approaches focus not only on processing the pain but also on exploring the significance of the relationship that was lost and the meaning that can still be drawn from it.

For some, however, grief becomes more than sorrow. It becomes stuck. This form of suffering, often referred to as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder (PGD), involves intense, long-lasting emotions that disrupt daily life and relationships. These symptoms can include persistent yearning, preoccupation with the loss, emotional numbness, or an inability to experience joy. When grief lingers and paralyzes rather than gradually integrates into life, therapy becomes not just helpful—it becomes essential.

In these more complex cases, the goal is to help individuals accept the reality of their loss while reengaging with life in meaningful ways. It’s not about forgetting or moving on. It’s about learning to carry grief differently—to make space for both sorrow and hope.

A Catholic Lens on Death, Loss, and What Comes After

While therapy addresses the psychological and emotional dimensions of grief, Catholic theology speaks to the spiritual side of the experience. Our faith doesn’t deny the sorrow of death. It fully acknowledges the pain of separation, the weight of absence. But it also insists—gently but firmly—that death is not the final word.

At the heart of our faith is the resurrection of Christ. This central truth shapes how Catholics understand death—not as an end, but as a passage to new life. In the Gospel of John, Jesus offers the words that echo across centuries: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25–26). These words are not a dismissal of grief; they are an anchor in the storm of sorrow, a promise that love is stronger than death.

This belief is not just abstract theology. It’s woven into the very rituals that surround death. Catholic funeral rites, including the Vigil, the Funeral Mass, and the Rite of Committal, are structured to help mourners grieve, pray, and hope. The Mass of Christian Burial is both a farewell and a celebration. It entrusts the soul of the deceased to God’s mercy while comforting those left behind with prayers, Scripture, and the Eucharist—a visible sign of Christ’s victory over death.

We also draw comfort from the communion of saints—the belief that the faithful, living and deceased, remain united in Christ. This sense of connection helps many people feel that their loved ones are not lost to them, but remain close in spirit, interceding and awaiting reunion in eternal life. It transforms the relationship, but it does not sever it.

According to The Catholic Free Press, prayer during and after the funeral, the support of the faith community, and the hope of resurrection all contribute to easing the sting of grief. This hope doesn’t erase the sadness, but it surrounds it with meaning.

Finding Healing in the Integration of Therapy and Faith

What’s truly powerful is the way that therapy and faith can work together in times of loss. You don’t have to choose between the two. In fact, integrating both can offer the most comprehensive support. Therapy provides the space to wrestle with painful emotions, while faith gives language to mystery, sorrow, and redemption.

Some therapists incorporate a client’s spiritual beliefs directly into the therapeutic process. A Catholic might be invited to reflect on Scripture, to write a letter to their loved one as a form of prayer, or to explore the concept of redemptive suffering—that even in our pain, we are united with Christ. These spiritual practices can offer comfort and a sense of sacredness during a time that might otherwise feel chaotic and empty.

Faith can also inspire action in grief. Many people find healing in honoring their loved one through acts of love and service—volunteering, creating something meaningful, or simply continuing traditions that keep memories alive. These acts don’t make the grief go away, but they help reframe it as something that can shape your life with beauty and purpose.

Community plays a vital role here too. Being part of a parish, attending grief support groups, or simply leaning on trusted friends in faith can make an incredible difference. Shared prayer, communal rituals, and simply being around others who “get it” can bring relief that is both emotional and spiritual.

Moving Through Grief Toward New Life

It’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Love doesn’t end when someone dies. It changes form. Grief is a sign of love, and love, in the Catholic tradition, is eternal.

This perspective is beautifully echoed in the words of St. Augustine: “If you knew the gift of God and what heaven is... wipe away your tears and weep no more if you love me” ( Our Sunday Visitor ). These aren’t instructions to suppress sorrow, but reminders that death is not the end of the story.

When we allow ourselves to grieve fully, supported by therapy and guided by faith, we begin to see how grief itself can be transformed. It doesn’t go away, but it becomes lighter, more manageable. It makes room for joy again, for connection, and for a deeper appreciation of the people still present in our lives.

In time, those who grieve may find themselves living not in spite of loss, but in honor of it—carrying forward the love they received, guided by the hope of eternal reunion, and strengthened by the compassionate tools of therapy and the enduring promises of their faith.

Final Reflection

Grief will never be easy, but it can be holy. It can be a time of brokenness and also of deep transformation. With the help of compassionate therapists and the enduring light of Catholic hope, it is possible to find meaning, peace, and even renewal in the shadow of loss.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it’s sitting with a therapist, lighting a candle at Mass, whispering a prayer through tears, or simply reaching out to someone who understands—every small step matters. Together, therapy and Catholic theology remind us that grief is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a testament to love. And love, in the end, is what endures.

Healing begins with connection—and taking the first step can be the hardest part. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or simply curious about how therapy could help, we invite you to connect with us at Holy Family Counseling Center. Our team is here to listen, support, and walk alongside you with care and intention. Send us a message or give us a call—we’re ready when you are.

The Way Retreat

Thu, 10 Jul 2025 16:20:31 GMT

Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting The Way Retreat

with Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC

Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting Retreat Leader, Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC, Director of Victim Assistance with the Archdiocese of Atlanta at The Way Retreat.

A 3-day guided meditation and prayer program for women whose abuse by another has deeply affected their heart, mind, body and soul.

What is The Way Retreat all about?

Have you experienced or are you experiencing dread, confusion, deep hurt, betrayal or anger when you think of the abuse you have suffered? Or maybe you are feeling nothing at all. You have every right to these feelings…they are natural reactions to the trauma you have survived.

You may be asking yourself:

What do I do with all of this?

How will confronting my abuse experience affect my life?

How will I ever recover my trust in people, God, my Church again?

Does it really matter?

Do I matter?

The Way is the path to take to find answers to these and many other questions for which your heart, mind, body, and soul have been searching. This is where your healing journey begins. These three days of guided meditations and prayer crafted around the Stations of the Cross will show you the steps Christ took to overcome dread, confusion, deep hurt, betrayal and anger not only for his experience of abuse – which culminated in his death on the cross and new life in the Resurrection – but for your abuse as well. You can choose to walk The Way with him, learn his ways, transform your pain and suffering into a new life, the life God has always wanted for you but that the sins of another has disfigured in countless ways.

You do matter… to God, to your Church, to your loved ones, to the world.

Let Christ show you The Way to peace in heart, mind, body and soul. Take your first voluntary steps on The Way to new life.

This retreat is Christian based. Women of all faiths and traditions are invited and welcomed.

Weekend Overview

The retreat is formatted around the 15 Stations of the Cross. Most have been broken into groupings of three or four stations each. For each grouping there will be:

An Introduction including clips from The Passion of the Christ and a guided meditation which will parallel the abuse Christ suffered on The Way to the abuse you survived.

Then you will move into a Work time where you take what has been shared and engage in a creative activity to express your response to those stations – getting what is going on inside of you on the outside of you. You will choose to either paint, draw, write, sculpt, collage, journal, etc.

Then you will move into a Prayer time where you take all you have done with these stations and talk with Christ about them. This is where the most powerful part of your retreat experience will take pla

Scattered throughout the weekend in between the groupings of the Stations of the Cross, there will also be Conferences that are psycho-educational or personal experience sharing by the Retreat Team on these topics:

God’s Original Plan for You
Abused 101
The Experience of Prayer
The Sacraments and Healing
Continued Healing

Throughout the weekend will also be opportunities for one-on-one time with a therapist, Spiritual Direction, Reconciliation, Mass, Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, Rosary, and the Sacrament of Healing.

About the retreat leader who will be presenting

Your Retreat Leader is Sue Stubbs MS, NCC. Sue has a Masters in Community Counseling from Georgia State University (1993); she is a Nationally Certified Counselor with over 14 years treating survivors of abuse – sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual. She is currently Director of the Victim Assistance Program in the Office of Child and Youth Protection for the Archdiocese of Atlanta. Sue went in search of an existing retreat experience that would meet the unique needs of the victims/survivors she had met in her role as Victim Assistance Coordinator. She found many excellent programs but they were not quite suited to what the Archdiocese of Atlanta was looking for in providing healing for individuals who had experienced abuse. Thus, Sue set out to create one. Through much prayer and openness to the Holy Spirit, The Way is the result. “Writing this retreat was one of the most rewarding endeavors I have ever undertaken; only topped by actually giving the retreat and seeing the healing work of the Spirit move throughout the weekend.”

The retreat team consists of professional counselors in private practice in the Archdiocese of Atlanta and a priest of the Archdiocese of Atlanta. The team is experienced working with survivors of abuse and well-formed and grounded in the Truth of the Catholic faith.

Holy Family Counseling Center counselor, Irene Rowland, LPC, will be one of the counselors providing support at the retreat. Irene is a licensed professional counselor. She hopes to make the grief journey for others a little easier.

Event Details

Mark your calendars for this enlightening event.

Here are the details you need to know:

Date: September 26-28, 2025

Time: The program starts on Friday at 3 pm and ends on Sunday at 3 pm.

Location: Carmel Retreat Center, 415 Old Collins Road, Hoschton, GA 30548

Cost: $350, Includes private room, program materials, and meals. Scholarships are available upon request.

Space is limited to 15 participants per retreat.

How to Register

Contact Sue Stubbs for an application at 404-920-7554 or sstubbs@archatl.com .

You can also visit their website.

Application deadline 9/15/25.

The Trauma Recovery Group

Thu, 10 Jul 2025 16:04:21 GMT

Adults Living with Unresolved Trauma beginning August 7, 2025

Have you recently undergone a life altering event? Are you a survivor of a traumatic childhood?

Are you currently experiencing most of the following?

Fear and anxiety
Irritability or anger
Emotionally numb
Lack of focus
Overwhelming sadness
Easily startled or frightened
Changes in sleeping or eating habits
Bouts of crying that come easily
Recurrent nightmares or thoughts about the traumatic event(s)

If you answer yes to any of these questions, then the Trauma Recovery Group may be of help to you…
The goal of the Trauma Recovery Group is to help you improve your day-to-day functioning. This group focuses on helping you to live effectively in the present, not on the r ecovery o f repressed memories. The group will help you to stabilize by identifying conflicts and unlearning specific distortions related to the effects of the trauma you have experienced and replace them with new tools learned in the group setting.

Location: Archdiocese of Atlanta Chancery Offices

2401 Lake Park Dr. SE, Smyrna, GA 30080

Dates: 9 Sessions: Thursday nights, August 7 – October 2, 2025

Time: 6:00pm – 8:00pm

Cost: $35 per session (partial scholarships available)

Co-Leaders: Sue Stubbs MS, NCC, CCTP-II & Wendy Baribeau MS, LMFT

Registration Deadline: July 14, 2025

Group is limited to 10 participants

For more information or an application, please contact Sue Stubbs at 404-920-7554 or sstubbs@archatl.com

This group is a service of the Archdiocese of Atlanta Victim Assistance Program

Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Wendy Baribeau, LMFT, presenting at Three to Get Married Weekend Retreat

Wed, 09 Jul 2025 19:10:16 GMT

Preparing for marriage is one of life’s most meaningful steps, and Holy Family Counseling Center is honored to walk alongside couples in this journey. We’re excited to share that Wendy Baribeau, LMFT, will be speaking at the upcoming Three to Get Married weekend retreat offered under the direction of the Legionaries of Christ. This enriching, faith-based event is designed to help engaged couples build a strong foundation through prayer, practical tools, and reflection.

Preparing for marriage is one of life’s most meaningful steps, and Holy Family Counseling Center is honored to walk alongside couples in this journey. We’re excited to share that Wendy Baribeau, LMFT, will be speaking at the upcoming Three to Get Married weekend retreat offered under the direction of the Legionaries of Christ. This enriching, faith-based event is designed to help engaged couples build a strong foundation through prayer, practical tools, and reflection.

What is the Three to Get Married Weekend Retreat all about?

The Three To Get Married Marriage Preparation Program is a weekend experience for seriously dating couples, engaged couples, and married couples offered under the direction of the Legionaries of Christ.

The program draws upon the best in contemporary psychology, practical wisdom from the experience of married couples, and the beauty of the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage and family life in order to give you the best foundation on which to build a successful marriage. This is achieved through a variety of seminars, discussions, and private time to ensure that each couple is provided a reflective and in-depth preparation for a joyful, faith-filled marriage—based on love that not only endures but actually grows stronger year after year. This intensive preparation experience is true to the teachings of the Catholic Church and presented by priests and experienced married couples.

The program also satisfies the Pre-Cana requirements for couples getting married in the Archdiocese of Atlanta, and by pastoral permission, those marrying outside the local area.

Weekend Overview

Talks by experts and real-life couples

· Time for introspection with your fiancé

· Includes Marriage Inventory

· Convenient one-weekend schedule

· The celebration of Mass on Sunday

· Opportunities for Confession

· Endorsed by the Archdiocese of Atlanta

About our therapist who will be presenting

Wendy Baribeau, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Holy Family Counseling Center, will present a portion of the content of the Three to Get Married weekend. She will focus on helping couples gain a greater understanding of their family of origin, and how it might impact their marriage in the future. She has been with Holy Family Counseling Center for seven years and has been working in this field professionally for nine years. As a child of divorce, she has a deep passion for helping couples and families heal, grow together and thrive in their relationships. She has dedicated her career to fostering mental wellness with her clients and within her community.

Mark your calendars for this enlightening event.

Here are the details you need to know:

· Date: August 22 - 24th

· Time: The program starts on Friday at 5 pm and ends on Sunday at 5 pm. No overnight stays

· Location: St. Brendan the Navigator Catholic Church, 4633 Shiloh Road, Cumming, GA 30041

· Cost: $295 per couple. Includes conference materials, meals and snacks

How to Register

Interested in attending? Click here to register, or contact us at Holy Family Counseling Center to learn more about faith-based therapy and relationship support at 678-993-8494.

Finding Meaning in Suffering: Therapy and the Catholic Understanding of the Cross

Wed, 09 Jul 2025 15:29:43 GMT

As a therapist, I often find myself sitting across from individuals grappling with the raw, unsettling reality of suffering. It’s an undeniable aspect of the human condition, isn't it? Whether it emerges from the searing pain of loss, the relentless grip of illness, the sting of injustice, or the quiet battles waged within our own hearts, suffering has a way of leaving us feeling adrift, hopeless, and questioning the very fabric of our existence. In my practice, I’ve witnessed countless times how people search for a beacon of meaning in these darkest of hours. And what a privilege it is to walk alongside them, guiding them not only with the insights of modern psychology but also with the profound wisdom of our Catholic faith, drawing upon the transformative power of the Cross.

The Therapist’s Lens: Holding Space for Pain and Cultivating Meaning

When someone walks into my office, burdened by suffering, my first and most sacred task is to simply be there . To create a safe, supportive space where they can unpack the heavy emotional and psychological impact of what they're enduring. It's a space free of judgment, where tears are welcome, and anger, fear, and despair can be expressed without shame.

In the world of therapy, we have a number of powerful approaches that specifically address these deep questions of meaning and purpose in the face of adversity. Take, for instance, Existential Therapy . This approach, at its heart, is about helping individuals confront the inherent anxieties of existence – the big questions about life, death, freedom, isolation, and meaning. It doesn’t shy away from the harsh realities of suffering but rather encourages clients to lean into these experiences, to find agency and responsibility in their response (Yalom, 1980). We explore their values, asking: "What truly matters to you? What principles guide your life, especially when things are falling apart?" It’s in identifying these core values that a sense of purpose can begin to emerge, even amidst the chaos.

Then there's Meaning-Centered Psychotherapy, which builds directly on these ideas. Here, the focus is more explicitly on helping individuals discover or rediscover sources of meaning in their lives. This isn't about imposing meaning; it's about helping the person unearth what genuinely resonates with their spirit. It might be through creative expression, service to others, cultivating relationships, or simply by the attitude they choose to adopt in the face of unavoidable suffering (Frankl, 2006). We work on developing coping strategies that don't just numb the pain but actively foster resilience. We learn to sit with discomfort, to process grief in all its messy stages, to manage chronic pain, and to find ways to adapt to circumstances that may never fully resolve.

As a therapist, I see my role as an illumination – shining a light on the pathways to healing and adaptation. We explore past wounds, identify unhelpful thought patterns, and build healthier emotional regulation skills. It's about empowering the individual, helping them to find their own internal resources and strengths to navigate their journey. But for me, as a Catholic, there's always another layer, a deeper truth that informs my understanding of suffering.

The Catholic Heart: The Transformative Power of the Cross

This is where the profound beauty of our Catholic faith truly comes into play. While therapy provides invaluable tools for how to cope, Catholicism offers a unique, profound perspective on why we suffer and what purpose that suffering can ultimately serve. It’s through the lens of the Cross that we begin to understand.

Think of Jesus Christ. He, who was innocent, blameless, and divine, willingly embraced suffering, humiliation, and death. And He did it not because suffering is inherently good, but out of an unfathomable, redemptive love for humanity. His Passion and Death weren't just a historical event; they were a profound act of self-giving that fundamentally transformed suffering itself. It shifted it from a seemingly meaningless burden into a potential source of redemption, a path to deeper union with God (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1997).

I often share with my clients the words of St. Paul from his Letter to the Romans (5:3-5), words that resonate so deeply with the Christian experience: "And not only so, but we glory also in tribulations, knowing that tribulation worketh patience: And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope confoundeth not: because the charity of God is poured forth in our hearts, by the Holy Ghost, who is given to us. (Romans 5:3-5, Douay-Rheims translation).

This isn't a call to masochism, nor does it mean we should ever seek out pain. Our God is a God of love, and He desires our flourishing, not our misery. The Catholic understanding of "redemptive suffering" means that when we, in our humility and faith, unite our own trials with Christ’s suffering on the Cross, our difficulties can take on a new, sacred meaning and purpose (Pope John Paul II, 1984).

This union can manifest in many ways. It might involve offering our struggles, our headaches, our disappointments, our grief, or our chronic pain for the intentions of others – for the souls in purgatory, for a sick friend, for a struggling family member, for the salvation of the world. It’s a profound act of love, turning our own suffering outwards in solidarity with others and with Christ.

Through this process, we often find ourselves growing in unexpected ways. We cultivate compassion and empathy for those who also suffer, recognizing our shared humanity. We become less self-absorbed and more attuned to the needs of others. Our faith deepens as we lean more heavily on God's grace, realizing our own limitations and His boundless strength. It’s a paradox: in embracing our weakness and vulnerability, we find true spiritual strength.

Echoes of Hope: The Lives of the Saints

Sometimes, when a client feels utterly overwhelmed and questions how anyone could possibly endure what they are experiencing, I turn to the stories of the saints. Their lives are powerful testaments to the human capacity for finding profound meaning in the midst of unimaginable trials.

Consider the unwavering faith of St. Thérèse of Lisieux , who endured profound spiritual darkness and physical suffering in her final years, yet clung to her "little way" of love and trust, offering every discomfort to God. Or St. Padre Pio , who bore the visible wounds of Christ in the stigmata, living a life of constant physical pain yet pouring out spiritual guidance and healing to countless souls. Think of St. Maximilian Kolbe , who offered his life in exchange for another in a concentration camp, an ultimate act of self-giving love rooted in his faith.

These aren't just historical figures; they are companions on our journey. Their stories remind us that even in the darkest valleys, God’s grace is sufficient to sustain us. They show us that suffering, when united with Christ, can indeed become a crucible for holiness, bringing forth spiritual growth and a deeper union with God that transcends earthly understanding. Their lives offer a profound witness to the truth that suffering, while never desired, can be transformed into a source of enduring hope.

Weaving the Threads: Therapy and Faith in Harmony

So, how do I, as a Catholic therapist, weave these threads together in my practice? It’s not about choosing one over the other, but rather seeing them as complementary paths leading to holistic healing and deeper meaning.

When a client is experiencing intense grief, for example, we'll use therapeutic techniques to process the emotions: validating their sadness, acknowledging the pain of loss, and helping them develop healthy coping mechanisms. We might explore the stages of grief, identify triggers, and work on rebuilding a life after loss. But alongside this, if they are open to it, we can explore the spiritual dimension of their grief. We can talk about the hope of resurrection, the communion of saints, and how their love for the departed can continue, transformed by prayer and intercession. We can explore how God is present even in the deepest sorrow, holding them in their pain.

Similarly, if someone is struggling with chronic illness and the limitations it imposes, therapy can help them adjust to their new reality, manage frustration, and prevent isolation. We can work on cognitive reframing – changing negative thought patterns – and finding new ways to engage with life and purpose. From a Catholic perspective, we can also discuss how their illness, though difficult, can be offered as a prayer, how it can be a means of drawing closer to Christ in His suffering, and how it can be a source of grace for others. We can explore the idea of finding joy in small moments, of radiating peace even amidst discomfort, and of trusting in God's plan even when it's unclear.

The beauty of integrating therapy with Catholic principles is that it offers a truly holistic approach. Psychotherapy helps us understand our human nature – our emotions, our thoughts, our behaviors, and our relationships – and provides practical strategies for navigating life's challenges. It helps us to heal past wounds, build resilience, and live more fully in the present moment. The Catholic faith, on the other hand, provides the ultimate context for our suffering, infusing it with divine meaning, offering hope that transcends earthly limitations, and connecting us to something far greater than ourselves.

The Journey of Meaning

Ultimately, the journey of finding meaning in suffering is a deeply personal one. It’s not about denying the pain or sugarcoating hardship. It's about acknowledging the reality of suffering, bravely facing its challenges, and then, with the help of both therapeutic wisdom and the grace of God, discovering the seeds of hope, growth, and even joy that can blossom within it.

As a Catholic therapist, my greatest hope for my clients is that they leave my office not just with coping skills, but with a renewed sense of purpose and an abiding conviction that even in their darkest hours, they are not alone. That Christ is with them, carrying their burdens, and that their suffering, when united with His, can become a profound source of meaning, bringing them closer to God and transforming them into vessels of His love for the world. It’s a challenging path, yes, but it’s a path that ultimately leads to true healing, enduring hope, and a deeper encounter with the unconditional love of God.

If anything in this post resonated with you, know that you don’t have to navigate it alone. At Holy Family Counseling Center , we’re here to support you with compassionate, evidence-based care tailored to your unique story. Whether you're just starting to explore therapy or ready to take the next step, we’d love to talk. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation or ask any questions—we’re here to help.

References:

Catechism of the Catholic Church. (1997). Part One, Section Two, Chapter Two, Article 4, Paragraph 618. Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's Search for Meaning. Beacon Press. (Original work published 1946).

Pope John Paul II. (1984). Salvifici Doloris (On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering). Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

Romans 5:3-5 (New American Bible Revised Edition).

Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.

The Truth about the Stages of Grief

Wed, 07 Jun 2023 07:19:08 GMT

There are many models for the stages of grief. The horseshoe shaped diagram is my favorite and I believe it to be the most realistic. Grief is not linear. People do not proceed through each stage in a neat, orderly fashion. Typically, stages are sometimes skipped and then returned to later, as well as stages being returned to multiple times. This can happen long after a person thought they had worked through that particular stage. Just as the traditional 5 stages of grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross are not a simple progression through the steps, neither are the many steps in the horseshoe model. If you drew a continuous line of how the steps might go for an individual, you would see that with all the jumbled directions going across and up and down the graph, it would look like a bunch of tangled thread. For many, that’s what grief really looks like.

The Descent of Loss

It can be a slow descent or a rapid plunge to the depths of grief. As stated already, we may or may not experience all of these stages and not necessarily in the order shown in the diagram. The tumble down to loneliness, guilt and isolation can be quite rough which almost makes those lows look restful compared to what it took to get there.

Shock, Numbness, Denial

It’s typical to be in a bit of a fog after you get the news of a significant loss, whether that’s of a loved one’s death, a job loss, a serious health diagnosis or any other kind of change that could be considered life changing. Grief is a natural response to the loss of how you thought things would continue to be and the future you expected.

Emotional Outbursts, Anger, Fear

Grievers can be easily triggered. Some losses are traumatic. With trauma, often

there is hypervigilance. The fight or flight instinct is revved up, as though we must

be on the lookout for any impending dangers at all times. We have all experienced

reactions from people that seem disproportionate to a situation. These emotional

outbursts are sometimes due to grief. The increased levels of cortisol when a

person is in this escalated state of vigilance causes a lot of wear and tear on one’s

body and mind. As a result, anxious, angry, or fearful people are perpetually

emotionally and physically drained. This of course can lead to impaired judgement

and become a vicious cycle. When there’s an anger response to grief, it can be

directed toward others or oneself. Anger turned inward is one of the definitions of

depression. The anger is sometimes directed toward the person who died, the boss

who did the firing, the spouse who left or sometimes toward those who played

“supporting roles” because it’s too difficult to be angry with the source of our angst.

Fear drives the thoughts and beliefs of some of the irrational actions and behaviors of a person experiencing a significant loss. A typical piece of advice after a significant loss is to wait at least a year before implementing any big changes such as moving or a change in career. Part of the reasoning for waiting is that the individual will be further along the healing path which usually means that fear is not as much a part of one’s reasoning process.

Searchings, Disorganization, Panic

Trying to make sense of our pain, of the unexpected tragedies, of man’s inhumanity to man, or any number of other baffling incidences in life, is also a natural reaction. We often feel we can bear a crisis more easily if we can find some purpose in the suffering. Of course, there can be redemption in suffering, miracles can occur in disastrous situations, good can triumph over evil and all of this can be appreciated in retrospect. It is often quite difficult to discern any of this in the midst of the difficulties. Further down the road of one’s healing journey, these treasures can be discovered. I have found that the person who grieves must discover these on their own, rather than having others point them out, because they only sound like empty platitudes coming from others.

Disorganization is part of the mental fog and lack of clarity during the depression of grief. Often a person in this state may be unsure of the day of the week or even unclear of the status of the basic things that they normally could keep track of, such as whether they remembered to take a shower or eat lunch. It can be very confusing to find oneself acting and thinking in ways that are so untypical of the usual way of doing things. Often the energy isn’t there to even be concerned about the discrepancy of who they knew themselves to be and who this stranger in the mirror is now. Panic can set in when this disconnect is truly realized. There can be a fear that the old familiar self may not reemerge. Panic can be the answer to all the unanswered questions of what the future might hold. There can be the fear that things will always be this disjointed and hard to understand, that life as one knew it, is gone.

Guilt, Loneliness, Isolation, Depression

The situations and emotions that grief entails often bring a person to their knees. This is at the bottom of the diagram in the pits of despair. Guilt can color many of the questions we ask ourselves and sometimes there’s a continuation of attempting to blame others and to lay the guilt on their heads. We often have grandiose ideas of our own power to be able to cause certain situations that were actually out of our control. Likewise, we can also assign more power to others than they are capable of having and thereby believing they are at fault in some way in a loss situation. We have all heard absurd news claims that a particular person, country, gender or ethnicity is at fault for a situation when the truth is there are many factors that play into most situations. Loneliness and isolation can breed

depression. Sometimes we make matters worse by intentionally shutting out the rest of the world. Time alone and loneliness are not the same thing. We need solitude to think things through, regroup, reflect and recharge. I say that as an introvert. An extrovert gets their energy from those around them, so in that case they may regroup and recharge better with the support of others, talking through their concerns in their grief journey and thereby processing their thoughts aloud. Isolation during grief can also be a protective mechanism against having to put on a mask and acting as though you are doing better than you actually are. Isolation means not having to answer people’s questions of how you are doing or having to deal with all the things people say as an encouragement which turn out to be the opposite. This can put the griever in the awkward position of being cordial when they really want to scream.

Re-Entry Troubles

If a person stays on the perimeter of life for too long when there’s been a big loss, it can make re-entry more difficult. It is almost as though time stands still for the griever, but the world has moved on and you don’t quite fit in now. Things that were once important to you may now seem trivial. The latest movie, fashion trends, and the current gossip are all pretty insignificant now as compared to whatever importance you may have placed on them at one time. It’s all temporal and often grievers become larger picture type thinkers. Much is trivial when you’ve experienced the degree of brokenness that you didn’t know was even possible prior to your loss.

New Relationships, Strengths, Patterns

After a major loss, there’s a lot of reevaluation that comes out of the experience. We think differently. We see differently. Often there’s a new thirst for life because we’ve developed a new appreciation for the gifts that still remain. New relationships may come from a support group that helped you weather the storms of your trial. You might decide to use the time you have ahead of you to learn new things, catch up on your bucket list, resurrect old hobbies or any number of ways we can regenerate ourselves. All of these options could involve new people in our life and new ways of doing things. Strengths can develop from weaknesses. Surely, the difficult stages preceding these more positive ones involved succumbing to weaknesses at times. If our faith is predominant in our lives, we undoubtedly experience that in our weakness, He is strong and carries us through.

Hope, Affirmation, Helping Others

These last stages of grief are part of the adjustment to the “new normal”, the new life without the person, place, career, or situation in which we had such a connection. This is a connection so strong that the loss catapulted us into this grief journey which in many cases eventually ends up also being a growth journey. Most of us are familiar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which can certainly happen with a complicated grief situation. Some of the PTSD symptoms can occur with “regular” grief. Post Traumatic Growth (PTG) is also a possibility towards the end of the stages of grief. We can become more resilient, kinder, more attentive, more in tune with ourselves and others and generally living a life of more depth and meaning. Grievers typically don’t take things for granted as they may once have done. In the midst of the whirlwind of all these stages and conflicting emotions, God can bring beauty out of sorrow, restoration out of pain, and a peace that surpasses all understanding. This is hard to imagine during a time period when we could not envision there ever being anything positive coming out of loss. Often the magnitude of the loss experience feels like our solid ground is shaking and crumbling beneath our feet. We can find our way again and when we do, our losses become part of our life story. They may even be many chapters of our story, but it’s not the entire story. Our grief becomes part of us and can live side by side with life’s joys. There is life after grief and it can still be good.

Photo Credit: unknown source

Good Shepherd Newsletter 12

Wed, 08 Feb 2023 16:23:52 GMT

Competency 12: Food & Mood

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

We have reached the time of year when society returns to the idea of renewal, treating the turning of the calendar as a jump-off point to make changes so that the next year will lead us to a better version than we are now. Most oft en, these resolutions involve some form of eating healthy and exercise. Nearly as oft en, these resolutions are forgotten within a couple of months as life begins to take hold and priorities shift . Fear not, while we will cover the topic of healthy eating in this newsletter, it will not be in the same vein as a resolution to lose weight or gain muscle (both worthy goals). In our monthly web conference following this newsletter, we were asked about how the food we eat, and when we eat it, can have an effect on our mental health.

A. The Second Brain

Have you ever had a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘butterflies in your stomach’? These are more than just sayings but physical symptoms that can also have an affect on our reactions. Th e link between our gut health and mental health has become a focus of much research in the past 10 years. Dubbed “the second brain” , our gut is not only responsible for communication with the brain for the necessities of eating and drinking, it is also responsible for 90% of the serotonin (one of the ‘happy’ hormones) produced in our bodies. In addition, a healthy gut can help us combat stress and is beneficial for our overall immunity as there are hundreds of millions of bacteria that live and thrive inside of us.

In order to have a functioning gut-brain duo, it requires wholesome nutrition. Think of your body as a fine tuned sports car. Sure, it will run on regular unleaded gas, and you are bound to get miles out of it, but how much better will it run when you give it the premium unleaded, allowing it to handle all of the blind curves and bumps in the road of life? When we look at the food we eat, the regular unleaded is oft en the highly processed foods; fast food, sodas, sugary snacks, etc. Th ey off er a boost and allow us to keep moving, but that may also lead to potential damage and the need for costly maintenance. Foods that are more nutrient-dense; fresh fruits and vegetables, fatty fi sh, and legumes are the premium fuel that not only keep us fueled, but also help clean the system as they are burned through.

When we experience depression or anxiety, this has a direct effect on our digestive system, often speeding up, or slowing down how quickly food moves through our system and how much nutrients our body takes during the process. Oftentimes, people who are severely depressed will lose extreme amounts of weight (think about someone suffering the loss of a longtime spouse). Meta-analyses of various diets have shown that people who maintain nutrient rich diets, or change to nutrient rich diets, show a 25-35% decrease in depressive and anxious symptoms.

B. Food and Your Mood

Snickers marketing department jumped on the idea of the gut and brain being linked. Their commercials showing that people aren’t themselves when they’re hungry have become one of the most memorable ad campaigns of recent years. The idea that when we are hungry that we can become angry, hence the term “hangry” has become a popular term. Do you realize in your own life when lack of food, or lack of the right food, affects how you are treating yourself? Or other people? A simple step to understanding our eating habits is to give attention to what and when we are eating. The morning donuts are great, but they also cause a sugar crash a little while later that can make us feel tired or keep us dragging. Coffee is one of the best morning drinks and has tons of health benefits, but coffee too late in the day can begin to disrupt our natural sleep cycles, which also can have a negative affect on our mood. Understanding how different food effect our well-being has numerous benefits to our overall mental, physical, and emotional health. And eating healthier doesn’t necessarily mean foregoing all that we love to snack on.

As a matter of fact, this scripture is a wonderful reminder that it is a good and godly thing to find satisfaction in the food we partake of. In Ecclesiastes (3:13) we read, “That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.” awareness of what we are eating does not mean that a fad diet is the answer. Eat, drink, be satisfied, and thank God for what he has blessed us with (this writer thanks him for the jalapeno sausage roll from QT, but only once a week!).

C. Tips for Food to positively affect your mood

Our individual views of food, the medications we take, the stages of life we are in, and where we are from will always be a large part of how we view food and what we may consider nutrient rich, or a snack. However, there are some common tips that can be followed that research has shown to be most beneficial for our health. The website Mind.org offers the following advice for healthy eating:

Eating regularly: The vulnerable person allows their emotional process when they’re having a rough time, but knows that they have the resources and abilities to find their own path and get their needs met. They can ask for help but won’t take a ‘No’ as a personal slight. They will respect another’s autonomy to set a boundary.

Quick tips:

Eating breakfast gets the day off to a good start. •
Instead of eating a large lunch and dinner, try eating smaller portions spaced out more regularly throughout the day.
Avoid foods which make your blood sugar rise and fall rapidly, such as sweets, biscuits, sugary drinks, and alcohol.

Staying hydrated: If you don’t drink enough fluid, you may find it difficult to concentrate or think clearly. You might also start to feel constipated (which puts no one in a good mood).

Quick tips:

It’s recommended that you drink between 6–8 glasses of fluid a day.
Water is a cheap and healthy option.
Tea, coffee, juices and smoothies all count towards your intake (but be aware that these may also contain caffeine or sugar).

Getting your 5 a day: Vegetables and fruit contain a lot of the minerals, vitamins and fiber we need to keep us physically and mentally healthy. Eating a variety of different coloured fruits and vegetables every day Whatever your diet, why not do some research into other foods that contain protein, and find something new to try?

Managing caffeine: Caffeine is a stimulant, which means it will give you a quick burst of energy, but then may make you feel anxious and depressed, disturb your sleep (especially if you have it before bed), or give you withdrawal symptoms if you stop suddenly. Caffeine is in: tea, coffee, chocolate, cola and other manufactured energy drinks.

Quick tips:

If you drink tea, coffee or cola, try switching to decaffeinated versions.
You might feel noticeably better quite quickly if you drink less caffeine or avoid it altogether.
Avoiding coffee after 2pm is also ideal.

Eating the right fats: Your brain needs fatty acids (such as omega-3 and -6) to keep it working well. So rather than avoiding all fats, it’s important to eat the right ones. Healthy fats are found in: oily fish, poultry, nuts (especially walnuts and almonds), olive and sunflower oils, seeds (such as sunflower and pumpkin), avocados, milk, yogurt, cheese, and eggs.

Quick tips:

Try to avoid anything which lists ‘trans fats’ or ‘partially hydrogenated oils’ in the list of ingredients (such as some shop-bought cakes and biscuits). They can be tempting when you’re feeling low, but this kind of fat isn’t good for your mood or your physical health in the long run.means you’ll get a good range of nutrients.

Looking after your gut: Sometimes your gut can reflect how you are feeling emotionally. If you’re stressed or anxious this can make your gut slow down or speed up. For healthy digestion you need to have plenty of fiber, fluid, and exercise regularly. Healthy gut foods include: fruits, vegetables and wholegrains, beans, live yogurt and other probiotics.

Quick tips:

It might take your gut time to get used to a new eating pattern, so make changes slowly to give yourself time to adjust.
If you’re feeling stressed and you think it is affecting your gut, try some relaxation techniques or breathing exercises.

Getting enough protein: Protein contains amino acids, which make up the chemicals your brain needs to regulate your thoughts and feelings. It also helps keep you feeling fuller for longer. Protein is in: lean meat, fish, eggs, cheese, legumes (peas, beans and lentils), soya products, nuts and seeds.

Conclusion

I once asked a nutritionist the best way to view the food I was eating if I wanted to eat healthier. Her advice was to stop looking at foods as good or bad, as a reward or punishment, but rather in the sense of needed and not needed. Fresh fruits and vegetables are needed for your body, the Caramel Macchiato is not. The essence of eating right, and keeping our moods regulated, is to focus on the things our body needs more than the things it wants. So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. – 1 Corinthians 10:31. What if you sat down to dinner every night with a heart of gratitude for the plate in front of you, knowing food was a way to care for the gift of the body God has given you?

Good Shepherd Newsletter 11

Wed, 14 Dec 2022 16:17:07 GMT

Competency 11: The Advent of Stress

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

Adventus. Arrival. The arrival of Christ in our hearts, in the world, and into God’s extraordinary plan for our salvation. Th e season of Advent is upon us. With it comes not only the call to spiritual preparation for Christmas, but also the nearly inherent need to manage the stress of the season. We’ve come to expect the bombardment of consumer commercialism, countdowns to Christmas and, as pastoral ministers, the vigilance necessary to keep Christ in Christmas for ourselves and others.

A. Parts Work

In the midst of this season, priestly formation along with the fruit of spiritual direction has sought to plant seeds of an individual call to personal integration. It is in that sense that we continue to work at bringing together in a psycho-spiritual wholesome manner both the best and the most challenged parts of ourselves. It is precisely this notion of “parts” that is being addressed here. While a unifi ed self is the goal, the implication is that there are “parts” to bring together. It’s not that we’re saying we all have a form of Dissociative (Multiple) Personality Disorder, but rather that we have aspects of our personality that oft en unconsciously are at work, or at war, within us.

At our September Convocation of Priests at Lake Lanier, Dr. LeNoir gave us an introduction to our “ internal family” of parts (Internal Family Systems/ IFS Th eory). He mentioned all of us having suppressed “Exiled”/ wounded/ fragile parts that are protected and controlled by our internal “Managers” and indulged and placated by our “Firefi ghters”. Dr. LeNoir sought to help us understand that these confl icted parts of ourselves are misguided attempts at self nurturing. He tried to assist us to learn that the real goal is parenting ourselves with a Holy Spirit inspired soothing and compassionate love. Ultimately, this is the key to being fulfi lled.

A parallel to IFS is commonly referred to as the Drama Triangle. In this downward pointing triangle three archetypes of our personality are proposed. At the downward point is the role of “victim”. Th e other two points of the triangle are the “Rescuer” and the “Persecutor”. It is important to point out that all the roles in the Triangle are fl uid, i.e. each role may switch and assume the other two roles both internally and externally with others. Whenever anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well.

Not surprisingly, Victims often feel victimized, trapped, helpless and hopeless. They are convinced they are at the mercy of life’s circumstances. Unwilling to take responsibility for their undesirable circumstances, they don’t think they have the power to change their lives and communicate the need to be rescued and often cast blame on Persecutors. If the Victims continue to stay in a ‘dejected’ stance, it will prevent them from making decisions, solving problems, changing the current state, or sensing any satisfaction or achievement.

Rescuers on the other hand constantly intervene on behalf of the Victims and try to save Victims from perceived harm. They feel guilty standing by and watching others suffer. While Rescuers may be well intentioned in their attempts to ‘help’ others, they fail to realize that by offering short-term fixes to Victims, they keep Victims dependent while neglecting their own needs. This is why Rescuers often find themselves pressured, tired, and may not have time to finish their own tasks, as they are busy coming to the aid of Victims.

In this paradigm, Persecutors are like critical parents who are strict and firm and set boundaries. Their tendency is to think that their perspective must win at any cost. Persecutors blame Victims and criticize the behavior of Rescuers without providing appropriate guidance, assistance, or solutions. Skilled at being critical and finding fault, and seeking to control while establishing order with rigidity. They keep the Victims oppressed and sometimes can be a bully.

As in IFS, the goal of working with these parts is inner reconciliation and transformation. The Drama Triangle becomes an inverted Empowerment Triangle pointing upward with the Victim transformed into the Creator at the pinnacle, focusing on outcomes and solution options rather than problems. At the bottom points of this redeemed triangle, the Rescuers become Coaches, who with compassion and faith in the potential of the creator offer goals and action plans. The role of Persecutor is transformed into that of Challenger, challenging notions of the status quo and striving for growth and development.

B. Opting out of the Drama Triangle

The way in which we manage conflict in our professional and personal lives is largely determined by our upbringing and early environments. These early prototypes also determine whether or not we choose to participate in drama and conflict. Do you recognize the victim’s voice saying, “Why does this always happen to me?”; or the Persecutor justifying actions by stating, “If you would have only done what I told you.”; or the Rescuer who is only happy when helping others?

Lack of self awareness can prevent us from realizing the cost of staying in the triangle and how it impacts our well-being and happiness in the long run. The first step in improving how we handle stress in relationships, and within ourselves, is to acknowledge it and take responsibility to change it. Understanding the drama triangle and different roles represented can allow us to identify our own patterns and be willing to change them. Recognizing patterns is not always easy. Think of the last conversation you had where you were sad, angry, or lonely afterwards. Play that conversation over in your head, as much as you can remember. Do you see what role from the drama triangle you were playing? Was the other person also taking on a role, or were they not engaging in the conflict?

We are creatures of habit and develop routines for almost every aspect of our lives. This includes conflict. We respond in similar ways to stimuli that we have experienced before. But we are not beholden to these reactions. By being aware of our roles and responses we can set boundaries with ourselves, and with others, to slowly start to change the patterns that we recognize to be harmful. Psychologist Acey Choy developed the Winner’s Triangle to counteract the Drama Triangle:

Vulnerable. The vulnerable person allows their emotional process when they’re having a rough time, but knows that they have the resources and abilities to find their own path and get their needs met. They can ask for help but won’t take a ‘No’ as a personal slight. They will respect another’s autonomy to set a boundary.

Responsible. A responsible person is a caring individual but rather than enabling dependent behavior, they will encourage empowerment. They will recognise that their help is most effective when showing someone in a vulnerable position that they’re able to stand on their own two feet. They will be able to set healthy and respectful boundaries, being honest about their own needs, and being able to meet them within the responsible role.

Potent/Assertive. The potent/assertive position is someone who actively meets their own needs and drives, but unlike a persecutor, they won’t need to do it at the expense of anyone else. They will be good problem solvers and negotiators, finding a way to meet their needs, without shaming, belittling, or picking on others. When we are able to opt out of the drama triangle we allow ourselves breathing room and the ability to lower our overall stress.

C. Stress Management

Stress is a universal experience. It is how our mind and bodies handle the tasks and situations that are set before them. No one in the history of mankind has been able to escape stress, not even our Lord or his Mother. When discussing strategies for good stress management is it helpful to make a distinction between Distress and Eustress.

Distress is often referred to as negative stress, as this causes our bodies to produce cortisol and somatic responses that put the body in a fight, flight, or freeze mentality. This puts a load on the body and mind from which often is difficult to recover, especially as more distress is added or encountered. Distress typically comes about when we feel a threat to our identity, in particular to how we see ourselves or how we think others see us as “good” (good is quotation due to the fact many people can have different ways of measuring what they need to do in order to be considered good). Many times you can identify when you are in distress when you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk or demanding self-talk. “ I must deliver a homily that changes the heart of my congregation, or else I am not a good pastor”, “ This meeting must go well, or the event won’t happen, and I won’t be the good pastor I feel the Lord is calling me to be.”, “In order to be a good pastor I should know how to love any soul that comes my way”. This negative self-talk comes from the threat that if a certain result is not achieved then my identity as a good pastor, person, or son of God is threatened to be true, which typically can result in a feeling of helplessness and being overwhelmed. As we will discuss below, the ways to combat distress will focus on how to let go of the result of the situation and focus on how to grow.

Eustress is referred to as positive stress. This is the stress you experience when you are trying to improve at something and it pushes you to keep getting better. For example, studying for a test in order to gain a better understanding of the subject material, or working on developing skills like playing an instrument in order to develop your musical abilities. This is typically positive because it provides motivation and drive without invoking the intense somatic response that is associated with distress. Eustress is typically influenced by our ability to perceive an opportunity for growth rather than a threat to our fundamental identity. One can tell that he is experiencing eustress from the self-talk he has which typically recognizes limitations, is adaptable, and focused on the next step rather than the result. . “I hope that I am able to help people understand the importance of Christ. I would like to share with those I can, the incredible gift of Christ becoming incarnate”, “ I have high hopes for the event going well. If we experience hiccups along the way, I will use them as an opportunity to learn how to plan the next event”, “I would love to be able to help this soul, however, I am not sure what would be the best course of action. I would like to consult my friend on how he would recommend the process”. This self-talk allows the person to recognize that it is okay to have limitations, while not allowing the limitation stop him from growing and developing insights to give a better homily, prepare for events, or how to be attentive to individuals. It allows the person to recognize the value that they are good not because of the result they are able to produce but rather because of the gift God has given them to be able participate in his work. This is reminiscent of the quote from St. Mother Teresa “God has not called me to be successful, He called me to be Faithful”.

A helpful framework to keep in mind when managing stress is to focus on how you cultivate restoration and rest versus distraction and vegging out. Restoration helps the person transition from distressing task by providing themselves w/ a space that allows them let go of the distressing task/ situation, This can include things like prayer, honing skills like: playing an instrument, wood working, art, writing, or other creative means, and spending time with close friends, and exercise. Rest is important as sometimes our minds and bodies need a moment of quiet and silence. This helps the person receive some time to recharge and be able to face stressful situations again. Some helpful resting strategies included allowing yourself to have some alone time, sleep, being outdoors, and to do mindfulness exercise (examination of body and mind). The key to rest is allowing yourself to receive and listen to your body and mind. While in restoration we allow ourselves to focus on continuing to develop skills while giving ourselves permission that we don’t need to have everything accomplished today. Distraction and ‘vegging’ are typically not as helpful when dealing with distress. It may help to quiet the negative self-talk for a moment, but it comes back later. When handling stress we want to help ourselves promote a mentality of St. Pope John XXII, “Lord, it is your Church, I am going to bed”.

As we prepare for the arrival of our Lord, it is good to remember that Mary and Joseph faced their own stresses as they prepared for the birth of our Savior. Stress is completely natural. We owe it to ourselves to face the adversity that causes our stress and prepare ourselves by accepting who we are, recognizing our patterns and committing to change.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 10

Wed, 12 Oct 2022 15:02:08 GMT

Competency 10: Having Presence in the Present

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~James Thurber

Do you ever look at someone’s feet when you are in conversation with them? Body language experts will tell you that if a person’s feet are oriented away from the person they are conversing with, they want to be gone from the conversation. If their eyes are fl itting towards exits, the same can be said. Have you ever noticed this? Have you ever done this, given subtle hints that you’d rather be somewhere else? Priestly vocation requires presence in the moment. The need for situational awareness and the ability to be still, even when we do not want to be, is a skill that can be developed.

The first step is remembering that Christ is always present for us. The True Presence is a foundation of our Catholic faith. May it also be a blueprint that we learn to live in our daily lives. To be truly present with those around us. This does not mean we need to give of ourselves to no end, rather we should develop and maintain boundaries to protect ourselves. Th is will allow us moments of communication and relationship where we relish the act of being present with ourselves, and with others.

A. Freedom is Where We Are

We have probably all had the experience of seeing a person walking up to us and we know what the conversation is going to be like. Sometimes that conversation will be exciting, other times it will be one we fi nd extremely boring. When we allow ourselves to be drawn in by the negatives, we lose our footing in the present. Reminding ourselves before a conversation to be present can allow us to handle the conversation more readily. This means acknowledging that we may not want to be here in the moment, and creating space to allow the conversation to occur, while also understanding that there can be a time limit where we are able to be present.

How do we set these boundaries? Multi-tasking gets a lot of headlines these days. The more things we are able to do at once, the better. Listening to a podcast while you jog, answering emails while on a conference call, eating dinner and binge watching a show, all are common occurrences for many of us. Multi-tasking has advantages and cannot be completely eliminated from our daily lives. However, the intent with which we multi-task can be explored. Research shows that when we multitask we focus less, regulate our emotions less, and forget important pieces of information. As a therapist I can freely admit that if I start multi-tasking in a session, usually by thinking about what I have to do next, I lose track of what a client is saying. I constantly remind myself that when I enter a session; I am going to be present with that person for the next hour and everything else goes by the wayside. My presence for that person is important and so I start monotasking. Monotasking is simply giving time to perform one task at a time. As I write this piece, I have set aside time to do just that. My goal to be present for this newsletter is where I am right now. I set aside this time, I reduced my distractions, and I am present, and therefore free, to complete this task.

A second way to be more present in our daily lives is to practice gratitude. Set aside a few minutes a day to contemplate the things you are grateful for. Did your football team win this weekend? Did an event get canceled and you had time to relax? Make a great shot in golf? The practice of gratitude is to pay attention to the little things as well as the big things. The more we practice gratitude the more we train ourselves to look for the positives in our daily lives. Finding gratitude in conversations with others, completing expense reports, sitting through meetings all become a little more positive when we have the intent to be grateful.

The last suggestion is to remember the difference between empathy and sympathy. This video by Brene Brown does an excellent job of breaking down the differences for us. Empathy is the ability to understand and share a person’s feelings, even if we are limited in our own experience of what they are going through. Sympathy is feeling pity or sorry for someone’s feelings; we feel bad for them without understanding what they are feeling. Sympathy is a more surface-level approach to dealing with a person or what they are bringing to you. Empathy forms a connection with an individual and requires us to access something in ourselves in order to connect with the other. To be more empathetic:

Focus on what is being said, not what your response “should” be;
Repeat in your own words what is being said;
Be aware of your own emotions in the moment;
Ask what the other person needs from you, don’t assume.

Practicing monotasking, gratitude, and empathy on a daily basis will assist you in being more present, feeling less stressed, and avoiding burnout. You will not get it perfect the first time out, so take the time to practice and become consistent.

B. Active Listening

A part of being a presence means being a reflection of Christ, who sought to call forth that which is good, true, and beautiful into the world, through both his action and his words. Active listening can be a good practice in which we are able to meet individuals where they are at. We can help them reflect on what is good, true, and beautiful in their life even as they struggle to uncover those transcendentals and reflect concerns constructively where we see their search might be hindered. There are three essential components to active listening: Body Language, Reflection, and Response.

1. Body Language is important in communicating your intentions and your presence to the one who is sharing their story with you. When trying to be attentive and focus on someone else’s story, there are four things to keep in mind.

Make sure your body is oriented in the person’s direction, this helps show that your interest and your energy is focused on them.
Have your eyes directed towards their face, this communicates that you are trying to be attentive to the person and the emotions that might be revealing themselves as he tells his story.
Minimize obstructions. For example, if you are behind a desk, try to move to an area that is more open.
An open posture also helps communicate your intention of being receptive.

Mastering positive body language can be helpful to communicate that intentional presence that you may wish to bring in situations where you would like to shine the love of Christ. However, caution is advised that body language, without the cultivation of empathy, will lead to disingenuousness, which can be picked up on when actions and words do not match intent.

2. The art of reflecting is an essential feature of active listening, it is the demonstration of your attentiveness to the other person’s message. There are four aspects of a person’s message that you should keep in mind as you try to reflect back to the person that is trying to share with you: Perception, Reaction, Meaning, and Need. a.

Perception deals with the context in which the person is speaking and what triggered the initial move for the person to reach out.
Reaction deals with how the person responded to that situation, his emotions, what his body did in that moment, how he plans to respond, and who he has reached out to already.
Meaning involves reflecting the beliefs that the person has shared, and in some cases discerning and reflecting beliefs that might not be apparent to the person.
Need is trying to pinpoint the specific vulnerability that the person is facing and fleshing out what he needs in response to that vulnerability, in order to feel the love of Christ or others.

An Important note to keep in mind when reflecting what you hear the other person share, is to put the reflection in an open framework. “It seems to me”, “it sounds to me”, “what I heard”, “would you clarify”, etc.. This allows the person to feel that he has power to clarify any misinterpretations you may have had. Additionally, it gives the person the sense that you care to make sure you are understanding his story and situation correctly.

As you navigate conversations, if you are having a hard time identifying the other’s perception, reactions, meaning, or need, do not be afraid to ask the person to help you follow him and ask: PERCEPTION– “Help me understand what happened”, “what did you see?”, “what did you hear?”; REACTION– “I am trying to follow you”, “what happened for you when you (restate the trigger or context)?”; MEANING—“How did that feel?”, “what did you tell yourself at that moment?”, “what went through your mind?”; NEED–“So after hearing that you experienced this, what do you need from me?”

3. The last component of active listening is the Response, in which you offer feedback, reflect your opinion, and give an invitation to explore more and consider your concerns. One way, in the Response, you can continue to facilitate a sense of Christ’s presence is validating the person’s experience, while stating your perspective, and finally asking for clarification on their position. A distinction to keep in mind is that validation is about acknowledging how the person experiences hardships and normalizing the struggle that he is facing. In contrast, affirming is the acknowledgement and approval of how a person acted in a particular experience. It is always important to validate the struggle, but you do not have to affirm the person’s behavior.

Please refer to the Good Shepherd newsletter 6 section C for other examples on how to practice active listening in the context of conflict resolution.

C. Refining Perspective

As Roman Catholic Christians we celebrate the Eucharist as both the real sacramental presence of Jesus Christ and as a personal call to bring His true Presence in us to all the world. The Eucharist is both reservation & action, Christ present among us and with us as individuals and, perhaps more critically, as a communal body. This perspective of ours acknowledges not only Christ present to us, but our being empowered to be His presence to each other in faith and others who have yet to come to faith. God’s grace in us accomplishes this by our being present to each other in the present moment.

In order to have the perspective to be present to others, we must first be present to ourselves. Setting appropriate boundaries around our work and personal lives allows us freedom within the framework of our responsibilities. Putting aside appropriate time for prayer, relaxation, community, and vocation are integral parts of remaining present. As much as our job is to imitate the life of our Savior, we must also be aware of our limitations. This includes acknowledging our shortcomings and making an effort to work with this knowledge that we are striving to be more like Christ in all things.

Being present to each other is blessedly analogous to the Real Eucharistic presence before Whom we place ourselves in attentive adoration. In a Byzantine sense, we are attentive to the mystery of God’s presence in the Eucharist that permeates all that exists…in Him we live and move and have our being. The invitation here is to use that attentiveness in awe and respect of each other. The call bids us to be present in every moment by being a listening presence that affirms and validates what we are privileged to hear from those we are privileged to serve.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 9

Wed, 10 Aug 2022 15:01:40 GMT

Competency 9: Finding Stability in Change

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

A few months ago, we saw nature begin the transition from dull and slumbering to lush and vibrant. For eons, the same pattern has been followed year aft er year as trees, flowers, and animals roll through the changes in their lives. Our Catholic faith offers many examples of transition; the Transfiguration, the Crucifixion, Pentecost. Each of these moments in the Church’s history were moments where the disciples were moved from the NOW to the NOT YET, trusting God as their guide. Countless movies and novels also focus on the idea of transitions. Richard Donner’s “Th e Goonies” comes to mind as a movie where life’s transitions are faced with fear for the future and what it will hold. Slowly, as the goonies trust in their leaders and those that have gone before them, they grow in excitement as possibilities that were not imagined before begin to reveal themselves, resulting in a fabulous treasure.

Transitions are not easy, they require that we work towards them and grow along the way. As Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has said, “Th e ways of the Lord are not easy, but we were not created for an easy life, but for great things, for goodness.”

A. What are transitions? Transitions are different from changes. Changes are external events that can have an affect on our behavior, they tend to come on quickly. Transitions are internal, they are the psychological, emotional, and spiritual processes that may accompany changes and these oft en take more time to resolve. During this time of year, many of you have received new assignments or will be taking on new roles. These changes will find you newly ordained, at new parishes, in new offices, learning the faces and lives of new parishioners. Some of these changes will have been sought out, some will be unexpected. You may accept this change as part of your vocations, or vow of obedience, that does not mean that the changes will not be challenging. Being in control allows us to feel safe and secure. Change and the accompanying transitions remind us that we are sometimes vulnerable.

After all the changes take place is when the transitions will begin. Struggling to let go of your old parish, having uncertainties about your new parish. Wondering if you’ll live up to a beloved pastor. Discerning what to do in retirement. Th e questions that we ponder in transitions do not arise to be quickly glanced at and ignored. It is our chance to adapt and become better priests and people by incorporating these transitions into who we are. In doing so, we bring value to ourselves and also to those that are served by our vocations, helping them learn to transition as well. As Blessed John Henry Newman said, “To live is to change; to be perfect is to have changed often.”

B. Ways to have successful transitions.

A key to a successful transition is to remember that you are not merely rearranging the furniture but completely renovating. Sometimes from the ground up. The work of change and transition is both external and internal. Humbling ourselves to God and ceding control to Him will make all transitions easier. Below are three stages of transition to consider, adapted from William Bridges, author of “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes” (Da Capo Press).

Stage One: Letting go.

Recognize the ambiguous nature of “letting go.” Change is neither all fun nor all painful. To say “goodbye” is both sad and freeing.
Identify the subjective losses. We may experience less independence, security or control. To have to follow another person’s lead may wound our pride. Sometimes the subjective loss is more painful than the loss of a position or title.
Appreciate the grieving process. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grieving — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance — offer a helpful model for dealing with significant loss. Experiencing grief is not an overreaction.
Reflect on our personal style of coping with endings. Do we stop abruptly and avoid saying goodbye? Our responses tend to be influenced by our experience with previous endings or how our families coped with loss, yet these may not be healthy for us.
Recognize internal resistance. We may avoid goodbyes or drag out an ending for unconscious reasons. Speaking with a spiritual director or participating in healthy goodbye rituals — such as celebrations of what has been, prayer services and a review of life — can be quite healing.

Stage Two: Confusion and Distress

Surrender and patience. Do not be afraid of emptiness, and do not struggle to escape it. Say “yes” to reality. Be patient and go with the flow.
Resist the temptation to blame, project or objectify. Try to avoid getting into thinking that others are doing this to make you suffer, but rather that we are all suffering together, trying to find our way.
Treat the past with respect.
Reflect on spiritual memorials, experiences in which you absolutely knew God was present in your ministry to others.
Affirm and encourage others. Share how you feel. Others will be relieved to know they are not the only ones struggling.

Stage Three: Just do it.

Do not hesitate by considering every possible option, but push forward. Complete tasks that you have been avoiding: visiting the new parish, school, or meeting with the parish finance council chairperson.
Identify yourself with goals. Take on everything with an attitude of “I can do this.”
Don’t second-guess yourself. Resist the little voice that tells you to take some other road. Our first guesses are almost always on target. Don’t worry if it takes time to feel comfortable and sure about your decisions. “Give it a year” is excellent advice to the newly ordained or to the new pastor. It is still good advice for the priest in transition.
Focus on specific, concrete goals. Work toward small successes. Take things gradually, and within a year the progress will be evident. • Be gentle with yourself.
Above all, be thankful.

C. The process of leaving an old parish.

This reflection contributed by Holy Family Counseling Center counselor Dale Brewer, MS, LAPC

How to Say Goodbye

I would like to offer for this quarter’s article an antidotal piece of guidance given to me by my Postulant Director when I was in formation with the Franciscan Friars. As a religious in priestly formation, we move around a lot: our postulant year was in Boston, MA, our novitiate year was in Burlington, WI, and our temporary profession was spent in Rome, Italy, and during the summer we would spend time in different parishes throughout the Americas. Towards the end of my first year with the friars as we got ready to transition to being novices in WI, our Postulant Director offered us this prayer exercise that would change the way I would approach transition for the rest of my life. He recommended that two weeks before we had to leave to start going through the house, our offices, prayer spaces, places of community, and hang out spots, reflecting on the memories we had of being in those spaces. He told us to invite God into those memories, thanking Him for the gift of the good times and people He had put in our lives during this time. The Director invited us to bring any possible painful memories to the Lord asking for His grace and mercy, to go forward and bring healing to us and to those we may have hurt. However, he mentioned most importantly we reflect on how the Lord invited us to grow in those spaces, and to acknowledge growth that did occur, thanking Him for the opportunity. The prayer was to be concluded with “I surrender all of these moments to You Lord, both good and bad, I give You thanks for the opportunity You gave me here in (blank space), I ask You to prepare me to trust You as I move on to new opportunities to love, serve, and grow with You.”

This prayer has helped me tremendously as I try to bring closure for when I move from one chapter of my life to another. It allowed me to acknowledge that all is a gift from the Lord, and to relish in that gift while being attentive to areas in my life where I need to continue to invite the Lord’s grace to transform my heart. It allowed me to recognize how with the Lord, I had grown over that time period, which allowed me to savor the beauty and wonder of that space, and most importantly prepare my heart to trust Him that He will be there with me at the next interval, to bring new moments of joy, mercy, and growth.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 8

Wed, 08 Jun 2022 14:53:51 GMT

Competency 8: When the Runner Stumbles

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us.” —Heb 12:1

When I think of poetry in motion, I think of Olympic hurdlers running their race, truly the beauty of form in motion. It is not surprising that one of St. Paul’s favorite analogies is that of a runner running the race so well as to cross the fi nish line of union with Christ Jesus. Calling that image to mind I have asked myself the question: But what if the runner stumbles?

With good reason we place a good deal of importance on achieving excellence and success. Yet while striving for success we may unintentionally neglect to prepare ourselves, or even to teach others, how to recover well from our mistakes. Recognizing that how we rebound, correct, and recover from our mistakes and failures is of crucial importance, we dedicated this issue to insights into understanding our mistakes and how to recover from them. It could also be analogous to stumbling into or because of sin and how we enter into the process of reparation and reconciliation.

A. The Four Types of Mistakes.

In a n article about mistakes, Eduardo Briceño of Mindset Works, notes four types of mistakes, that while varying in intentionality, all have the potential of giving us an opportunity to learn from them. His insights remind me of a meme I once saw that said: “I don’t lose; I learn.”

The first type of mistakes he proposes are called “Stretch Mistakes”. These happen when we’re working to learn something new and expand our current capabilities. These are positive mistakes and there are many reasons to want to make them because they imply essential growth. Here, we’re not trying so much as to do something incorrectly, but rather trying to do something that is not a part of our current experience or skill set, so we’re bound to make some errors as we learn. Perhaps we’ve been assigned to a parish with numerous facility issues and do not understand electricity as much as we would like, leading to additional damage. It is fair to say that Stretch Mistakes can be positive; if we never made them, it would mean that we would never truly be challenged to learn new knowledge or skills. Think of the first time you decided to paint a room yourself and were faced with the challenge of painting nice crisp edges. No doubt your later attempts were better than your first.

Next for consideration are "Aha-moment Mistakes"; they too are positive mistakes. However, they are more challenging to strive or plan for because they happen when we achieve what we intended to do but later realize that it was a mistake because of some knowledge or nuance we lacked which has now become apparent. They could be a matter of having made false assumptions or misreading data. Once the epiphany of the mistake becomes apparent and the light comes on in our minds, we can go back and correct the error. Consider how we came to learn that not all size 9 ½ shoes fit the same way.

A third type of mistake could simply be called “Sloppy Mistakes”. These happen when we complete well rehearsed and well-known activities that end in error due to distraction. These are opportunities to enhance or reexamine our focus, process, environment, or habits. Sometimes Sloppy Mistakes can become Aha-moment Mistakes. For example, I become frustrated with myself for struggling to stay awake during afternoon meetings only to realize that I simply need to get at least seven to eight hours of sleep.

The last type of mistake we invite for consideration are "High-stakes Mistakes". These are those types of errors we most want to avoid because they can be detrimental or even catastrophic. Here we want to put processes in place to minimize these types of mistakes. Think of how an Easter Vigil Mass could be ruined if we failed to adequately coordinate the preparation of the paschal fire.

To be clear, not all mistakes are created equal, and they are not always desirable. In addition, learning from mistakes is not all automatic. In order to recover from them appropriately, we need to reflect on our errors and learn from them. If we’re more precise in our own understanding of our mistakes and in our communication with others, it will increase mutual understanding, a sense of team buy-in to goals, and efficacy for both leaders and those in our charge to lead.

B. Hiding Mistakes and Shame

God has revealed through His sacred scripture that He created man in His own image and likeness (Gn 1:27); that image and likeness was eventually revealed as Love itself, specifically as agape (1Jn 4:8). Man is then inherently ordered towards the cultivation, reception, and manifestation of agape, the total gift of self-type of love. However, shame is the direct antagonist of this ability to give of self: shame isolates, alienates, and degrades the person it envelopes. Whereas Love calls for communion, validation, and remembrance of one’s identity as a son or daughter of God. Shame leads an individual into perpetuating cycles that keep them prisoner to their own fears and the coping mechanisms they use to handle those fears. On the other hand, love leads an individual into vulnerability, where he can be freed of those burdens, of limitations and shortcomings, through his entrustment of these burdens to another trusted person. This trusted person is then able to validate, support, and recall that for which the individual was made.

I want to be clear that the shame discussed in this article is psychological shame, differing from the theological/existential shame described in St. John Paul II’s sermons on Theology of Body. The shame described by St. John Paul II, is ordered for man (specially Adam and Eve) to reflect upon that which he lost, the ability to have an unadulterated, self-gifted relationship with God. Rather, psychological shame is rooted in the belief that due to one’s limitations/ failures/ sins, which are all forms of a mistake, that he has inherently disqualified himself from the need to have connection, love, and belonging (Brown, Rene 2015). This mentality keeps the individual from seeing that though he has not acted in accordance with the image for which he was made, that he has not destroyed that inherent image and its orientation towards love and connection.

An example of this perpetuating self-destruction that shame can have on the person can be seen in the personal struggles that individuals can have around pornography. The person watching pornography gets an immediate release of endorphins that aid in the person calming or regulating himself when he is bored, anxious, stressed, lonely, or rejected. Though there is an immediate relief, this relief is typically short-lived, and is followed by self-shaming thoughts and attitudes about what the person did. Thoughts such as “I am a horrible person for having done this; I will never be capable of real love; I will never be able to live without it.” The danger of shame is that it primes the individual for despair: I am incapable of ever being able to love/ being saved due to my sin. These thoughts lead to the formulation of implicit excuses (I can watch this though it may contain nudity) or explicit excuses (what does it matter/ I had a hard day, I deserve this) to watch pornography at the next critical moment. These thoughts start the cycle over again and if left unattended, this can develop to a point where the person creates a feedback loop; that in order to cope with the shame he created, the only resource he has is the pornography that caused it in the first place.

There is an important distinction to be made between the concepts of guilt and shame. As mentioned above, shame is a negative judgment statement about one’s intrinsic value, being seen as an object/subject disconnected from love and belonging. Guilt, however, focuses on the behavior being inappropriate or unhelpful. This is not an identification of how wretched a person is due to the behaviors taken. Using the example from above, guilt would translate to a thought such as, “looking at pornography is not how God created me to express my sexuality, I should look for better ways to cope.” In sum, guilt means what we did was bad, and shame means who we are is bad.

There are three factors that optimize the environmental conditions for the cultivation of shame, they are: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Secrecy is tied to the idea that “if someone were to discover what happened, I would be seen as unlovable.” Silence promotes the idea that “I am the only one who has struggled with this situation, I must be utterly forgiven to what it means to be human.” Judgment is connected to the fear that “what I experienced would result in my personhood being attacked (physically or emotionally).” All three of these elements inhibit one’s ability to trust in others and God.

C. Recovering from Mistakes

Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying, “Experience is the name we give to our mistakes.” In the midst of a mistake, it is never easy to admit where we went wrong or that we can recover and learn from it. While everyone recovers from mistakes in different ways, there are four steps that are agreed to be necessary to learn from our mistakes:

1. Acknowledge the mistake.

2. Apologize and try to fix it.

3. Accept that there will be consequences.

4. Reflect on the situation and know you are not alone.

A practical application of the remedies would be to find good people with whom you can be accountable in both professional and personal areas of your life. An accountable person would need to be someone who could offer support and encouragement to you as you journey through life. They also can rejoice with you in the triumphs you fulfill, as well as be a refuge in a time of struggle. This will look different from one accountable person to another depending on what area of one’s life he is being attentive. In a professional setting for priests and deacons, it could be good to have another colleague or priest who you look up to, who can offer guidance on how to approach difficult situations that arise. In your personal life, having a friend that you can share your more personal struggles with (either of sin or emotions) can be a huge blessing, and a tool for disarming shame.

The good news is that there are remedies that help promote a healthier sense of looking at yourself and the world. The first is to talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. This even has links to the Bible when our Lord taught “Love your neighbor, as yourself” (Mk 12:31). If you find this is not an easy task to do, a good place to start is to reflect on a person you love, and then ask yourself how you would approach him if he shared with you that he had your same struggles. The second remedy is to reach out to someone you trust. It is not wise to just share one’s intimate struggles with just anyone, it needs to be with an individual who can hold your struggle while recalling to mind that for which you are made. The devil wants to keep people isolated because it is easier to sow doubt about who we are when we do not have anyone who can reaffirm our identity as a son of God, especially when we may not act like sons of God. The last remedy ties in with the second which is to tell your story. Sharing your struggle with trusted individuals can be one of the greatest blessings and experiences of God’s mercy. It helps remove the burden of this struggle off just yourself, and now you find that a friend or close colleague is yoke beside you as you try to make sense of that story. True connection and vulnerability are the antidote to shame.

In conjunction with what was discussed above in regard to the 4 mistakes a person can make, here are some practical tips to handle each situation. In situations where one is attempting to grow in an area he is not familiar with, like in case of stretch mistakes, it can be beneficial to share with a more experienced person, who could offer reflections on areas that an individual may not be able to see. For example: reaching out to a professional building project manager, when attempting to begin a renovation project at the parish. When someone experiences an Ahamoment, it can be hard to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. Sharing these mistakes and the knowledge learned is vital for displacing shame, as well as the listener who hears the mistake as they can grow in knowledge as well. For example: A priest or deacon uses a homily resource that resonates with him but learned that no one in the congregation was able to connect or follow the resource. Scenarios where an individual is making sloppy mistakes (actions he should know how to do correctly but fails) are important to be acknowledged and reflected on, as they provide insight into areas of one’s life that need reviewing, such as one’s health, rejuvenation, and boundaries around work. For example: a priest who is attentive to his flock, but has not had a time to rest in several days after attending to several night calls in a row, leads the priest to struggle to be focused in the meetings and forgets important information that was discussed, rather than admit his limitation to another member on staff, and request either a short follow-up summary of the meeting later while he rests or rescheduling the meeting for a future date. High mistakes are the most important to disclose because these typically have the strongest pull to shame, but they are also the most difficult to disclose. The first important thing is to disclose what happened to proper entities and people where appropriate. Whether that be to the boss or supervisor/ counselor. It is important to explore what happened with trusted individuals who can help remind you of God’s mercy and the importance to continue fighting after what it means to love. Ex. I drank too much at a church party and kissed one of the guests later in the night. Though it may be difficult and the consequences hard to face, telling this to a trusted individual and reporting it to a supervisor is an important step in countering the shame and despair that can follow such an event. If there is not a clear protocol on how to handle high mistakes in your diocese, I encourage you to reach out to your deanery and/or bishop to seek consultation on how to navigate such situations when they arise, either for oneself or for a fellow clergyman.

It is important to disclose one’s mistakes to other trusted and appropriate individuals, because it allows one to break the power that these events have over his life. As Christ said, He has come to set the captive free (Is 61), and it is truth that does so (Jn 8:32). This truth is that all people are meant and oriented for the communion, belonging, and intimacy with God and one another. His commandments guide us to know and understand what this loving relationship ought to look like. However, our failure to live these commandments out does not automatically execrate this indelible orientation of the heart for love. Though, that person does possess the power to deny and refuse to recognize this truth, and even live a life contrary to this orientation. Nonetheless, a person will always be meant for connection, belonging, and love. These longings of the human heart are integral to fighting off shame, as they have us reach for someone who can remind us of that in the midst of whatever mistakes we may find ourselves, we are His son whom He loves and for whom He has freely given His life.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 7

Wed, 13 Apr 2022 14:36:09 GMT

Newsletter 7: Holiness Out of Temptation:
“The devil made me do it”

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

From Sin As Addiction (Gerald McCormick) Sin as spiral (“a sense of the dragon”): Here, sin is experienced as “habit, as some sort of a disorder of the will, as a power or a demon with a will and plan of its own”. In this perspective sin is like a virus, attacking where it wills and getting worse in the process. “We live in a world in which sin is a deadly and contagious virus which threatens, saps and debilitates our moral and spiritual health and lives”. All the way back in the ‘70s, a very successful comedian named Flip Wilson turned “the Devil made me do it” into a meme of the day. He would do something outrageous in plain sight, then grin into the camera and say, “Th e Devil made me do it.” Th e audience would howl because everyone was in on the joke. Treat yourself to a laugh with this clip: https://youtu.be/zGKAaPM72UY

A. The Relationship Between Psychological and Spiritual Realities.

Everyone knew that Flip was exploiting a bit of theology to avoid taking responsibility for bad behavior. When Flip Wilson did it, it was absurdist comedy, yet for some it has become a standard explanation for poor behavior and bad choices. The facile use of this way of thinking has the inherent danger of a loss of personal integrity that comes with the abdication of personal responsibility. It becomes very convenient when we can blame the Devil, or someone, or something else for that matter. Our worst behavior and the expectation to take responsibility for it is easily dismissed. No matter what the transgression or error, the implication is the same: an external agent of evil/mitigating circumstance has taken control of us.

This kind of devil-based theology includes an important but unstated message: When I’m good it is attributable directly to me, but if I do something reprehensible, just blame it on the Devil or an “other.” The incongruence becomes evident when praise is mine and blame belongs to someone or something else.

Accepting personal responsibility as a lesson in humility is a healthy remedy. It is an exercise of maturity, virtue and integrity to simply say: “I did it. I’m not proud of it, but I did it.” The motivation probably comes from a deep perhaps barely explored part of our own psyche, but it is us, “me”. The fruit of a good examination of conscience can help tease out personal responsibility, tacit or explicit cooperation with evil, or an awareness that it was out of our control.

While identifying that something is out of our control may be giving the devil his due, it is in taking personal responsibility for our faults and failures that we participate in that amazing grace that liberates. There is a remarkable contemporary pushback to admitting the possibility, if not the reality, of some kind of spiritual warfare going on in our lives and in the world. Typically at this point many of us will feel uncomfortable and become reluctant to consider giving the devil his due in a discussion of spiritual warfare. Yet dealing with the forces of evil is undeniably a part of Jesus’ narrative and ministry. Casting out demons is among the first miracles reported by Jesus’ disciples upon their return from mission. As a Christian tradition we celebrate the theological reality that grace builds on nature, but seem surprisingly reluctant to admit that spiritual evil does indeed comprise our nature. Sometimes things really are both/and; not necessarily either/or. Among the many scripture passages that give us pause on this score, these two can act as a challenge to reconsider our reluctance.: Ephesians 6:12: “For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens”, and 1 Peter 5: 8: “Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for [someone] to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings.”

Suffice to say that a strategy is needed here as we tease out where any battle is being fought in our lives. While acknowledging the realities of a present circumstance, be open to discerning the influence of the Accuser, our ancient foe. Celebrate the thought that through Christ’s saving work we are not the enemy despite our faults and failings and as long as we avoid falling into agreements/cooperation with any aspect of evil. Simply strive to stand your ground by claiming that you are among the redeemed sinners that in Christ are clinging to that Truth of being redeemed and freed by the Blood of the Lamb. Living in goodness and truth is always a challenge, yet strive to avoid being intimidated by your weaknesses and imperfections. Celebrate who you know Christ is calling you to be, despite any apparent lack of progress, confident that God is indeed with you, and that you have been entrusted with a very important mission. Ultimately, you may feel dragged through the mud, battered and tried, but so it is for every resistance fighter.

B. Mental, Emotional, and Physical Signs of Temptation

Acknowledging the realities of temptation in our lives can be hard to accomplish. Acknowledging these realities requires a level of introspection that might be hard to maintain. Who hasn’t heard someone say that a dessert, drink, or show is their ‘weakness’? This is a lighthearted acknowledgement that these people are easily tempted by one of these items. It is in our human nature to become comfortable with our habits and routines. An enemy worth their salt knows that the easiest way to tempt someone is to do it through what they are most comfortable with. In order to resist temptation we must be aware of ways in which we can be tempted.

In the world of addiction recovery, there are numerous adages about the struggles with earthly temptations. As people struggled with addiction they learned to notice when their temptations were at their worst. During the process of recovery, addicts would notice that they were most vulnerable to their temptations when they were Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. These four areas of life touch our humanity in the most vulnerable areas and can lead to temptations being much more difficult to overcome.

Hunger can be related to physical and emotional needs. To be physically hungry is fairly straightforward. We all know when we need to eat. However, it is also important to know how we respond emotionally when we are hungry. Does anger creep in? Can we be short with others? Do we recognize our emotional changes that come with being hungry? We can be hungry for other things as well. Do you notice when you are hungry for affection, accomplishment, or understanding? When physical hunger is not met, our body converts stores of fat into energy for our body to run. When our emotional hunger is not met, our minds can make up for it with knowledge of who we are. However, this leads to a phenomenon called ego depletion. Ego depletion is the idea that our mental resources of willpower and self-control depend upon a limited supply of mental resources that need constant replenishing.

As an emotion, Anger often gets a bad rap, however, anger is a normal and healthy emotion to experience. A key to staying on the healthy side of the spectrum of anger is to pause and understand the cause of the anger. We can be angry at people, situations, or ourselves. Anger can be due to one episode, or it can be an ongoing event in our lives. Anger is often a secondary emotion, it arises as a tool to keep us safe from what we are really trying to hide. Ask yourself, what is under the anger. Is it fear? Sadness? Shame? If the root of anger is not sought out and examined it can easily turn into resentment or other less healthy emotions. Let us not forget the words of the Jedi Master, Yoda: “Fear is the path to the dark side… fear leads to anger… anger leads to hate… hate leads to suffering.”

We can experience loneliness when we are by ourselves or when we are surrounded by people. Loneliness occurs when we isolate ourselves (mentally, physically, or emotionally) from others. This may happen because we are afraid, think others may not understand us, or have doubts about who we are. Isolating ourselves leads to the things we are trying to avoid growing in intensity. When we willingly remove ourselves from support systems, we allow the negative beliefs to foment. The Devil can tempt us to be afraid and discouraged in these times of isolation causing us to question if we are really loved. This can tempt us to hold onto transgressions against us and fail to forgive or understand where others are coming from.

Over the last two years, tiredness may be the gateway to temptation that we experience more than anything else. Being tired takes a toll on our minds, hearts, and bodies. Our days have been packed with errands, meetings, and navigating the emotional waters of a pandemic and the associated fallout. When we are tired we compromise our ability to compromise. This allows the temptation for division with others to take hold and begin to fester. Tiredness occurs in much the same way as hunger in that we can be mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. When we experience tiredness we do not have the ability to raise our defenses easily and our capacity to cope with various stressors becomes much more difficult. Taking the time to HALT each day can be an antidote to temptation.

Taking the time to ask ourselves, “Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?” is a good way to check in with our ability to handle life’s stresses.

C. Antidotes to Temptations

Many times after experiencing temptations, near occasions of sin, or even having committed a sin, we repent; make an effort to not fall back into sin; and try to put the event behind us. However, this method is like trying to heal a wound without proper medical attention. Sure, it could heal, but it is going to take longer and in some cases leaves us festering in our struggle.

What if, instead, we approached temptations and sin with the understanding that our soul is trying to tell us something about what it needs in order to function and heal properly. This requires some attention and reflection on what led up to a particular temptation or sin, allowing us to highlight whether Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, or being Tired contributed to our experiences. We are psychological and spiritual beings, therefore, any approach to heal the soul should include both an antidote to the psyche and the anima. These antidotes are not miracle cures or fixes; just as a band-aid and anti-bacterial ointment do not immediately heal a wound; rather, they are tools which help a person manage HALT on a psychological and spiritual level. From the psychological perspective we will look to process what control we have over these different states in order to develop a better sense of self-regulation. The spiritual perspective; however, will look at what we seek to control that really belongs to God’s mercy. As you read this, we invite you to consider the full Serenity Prayer, as a framework for understanding the struggles of the soul; namely,what is mine to do and what do I need to leave to God’s loving providence.

HUNGER: Hunger illicites the psychological defense to seek comfort over balanced eating, sleeping, exercising, and learning. This is done in order to avoid being confronted with one’s insufficiencies. While the spiritual temptation is the belief that I have the power to make God stop loving me; this feeds one’s shame which leads to the avoidance of participating in prayer and the sacraments.

Psychological: The psychological antidote to hunger is temperance. This virtue is about finding a balance which seeks to maintain the right order of body and mind. It is crucial to make sure that we are getting the right nutrition, sleep, and exercise to help the body function properly. Balanced meals, 8 hours of sleep, and 30 minutes of exercise have shown to significantly improve a person’s resilience. The window of tolerance for patience can be shortened due to poor diet, sleep, and exercise, and in many cases can be remedied with a good meal, full night’s rest, and a 30 min walk. However, an antidote to hunger is not solely about feeding the body, but also the mind. It is important to be engaged in intellectual development, as a way to expand and grow one’s perceptions, as well as,develop a deeper and richer view of the world.
Spiritual: The spiritual antidote to hunger is humility. We are sinners who are beloved by our Heavenly Father. We are made for love and our souls crave it. The struggle here is that we cannot control whether others love us; or even how others choose to manifest that love to us. Therefore, it is important to monitor and gauge how much our soul is aware of the love of God, and His love through others. That is why prayer, sacraments, and sacramentals are essential to feeding the soul; they are the avenue by which we encounter the mercy and love of God. So too, conversation and encounters with friends are ways to remind ourselves of the love of God and love that others have for us. It revives the soul and allows it to feel at rest. Even in the business of our lives, 10 minutes of prayer or a conversation can be a powerful way of grounding oneself in the truth that you are loved by God.

ANGER: The psychological defense is to seek to control or be responsible for other peoples’ actions, beliefs, or feelings. This is done in order to prevent future or further hurt that the other person may have caused. This seeks to avoid grasping the reality of our powerlessness in the face of others. The spiritual temptation is to believe that God does not care enough to seek your good. This results in one dictating how the mercy and justice of God should operate; which leads one to avoid offering to God how others have hurt him This in turn inhibits trust with God.

Psychological (temptation: to control others and situations): The psychological antidote to anger is justice, that is, learning to live in the right relationship with others. The first steps towards living in justice requires a person to acknowledge and take ownership of what is his responsibility in a situation and what is not. We are responsible for our feelings, beliefs, and actions. However, no one can control or own the feelings, beliefs, and actions of another. When one person wrongs another, the offended person can acknowledge how he felt wronged, by the other’s actions, and how that action influenced his belief about the other. The other has the ability to respond in his own manner, to either recognize or reject the proposed injustice.
Spiritual Temptations (dictate how God justice and mercy should work): The spiritual antidote to anger is faith. That is, faith that God in His love and justice will prevail, even if the situation does not play out how we would like. This takes a tremendous amount of trust, to surrender to God that which is out of your control. This is why one of the most effective applications of this spiritual antidote is in prayer, because it is only in prayer that we can offer our struggle up and let go of control. The most difficult thing to surrender to God, sometimes, is the freedom.

LONELINESS: Loneliness invokes the psychological defense of seeking to protect an individual from the possibility of rejection through either controlled isolation or superficial relationships. Both of these methods are typically surrounded by excessive compulsive behaviors as an effort to escape the sense of disconnection. The spiritual temptation is the belief that my being is so corrupted that no one, not even God, could ever empathize or advocate for me in my struggle. This results in isolation from God and from others, resulting in the most dangerous of all the temptations.

Psychological: The antidote is fortitude, the application of this virtue lies in the courage to be authentic and vulnerable in front of friends. This is not limited to only having emotional vulnerability, but also allowing oneself to simply be. It is important for psychological health to make sure that one has time to play and converse with others. Practically speaking, this could be having a card night with buddies, going out to the bar/coffee shop with friends, or reaching out to spend a night out with other lay faithful or priests. In these times, it does not have to be solely focused on sharing difficulties or hardships; however communicating these can help one confront their fear of rejection, rather than avoid it through the distraction of a vice.
Spiritual: The antidote is mercy. In order to practice this virtue, strength is required to share authentically with God and another the spiritual struggles that one is facing. One of the greatest fears we face as humans, is the fear of rejection, of being unacceptable to others, ourselves, and God. This can lead individuals to avoid sharing and opening up at all costs, in order to avoid this possible reality. This practice of opening up to God and other trusted individuals, can have a healing effect of mercy. The sacrament of reconciliation becomes a fundamental tool for helping us make this reality. The love of God calls us forward, not into shame, but rather into recalling who we are and what we are meant for, which is to be loved and to love.

TIRED: The psychological defense is seeking an escape from disapproval. This can manifest in two ways, the individual who is caught is avarice (avoids the task in order to avoid disapproval) or the individual who presents as a workaholic (avoids rest in order to avoid disapproval). In both scenarios, the individual is wrestling with perfectionism. The temptation is the belief that limitations and weaknesses, that keep me from perfection, are unacceptable to the Lord. This leads, as mentioned above, to either avarice or overexertion.

Psychological: The antidote is prudence, the ability to know when and how much to rest. This antidote requires an individual to assess and acknowledge his physical, mental, and spiritual limitations. Leisure and rest are crucial for recovering and restoring spent energy. Here it is important to be mindful of activities that do not merely alleviate/bring escape from our struggles, but rejuvenate us and restore us anew. Social media, tv, and youtube, are poor mediums in which to practice rest, because they serve to distract versus restore. Finding and practicing a hobby or being outdoors is a great way to develop and restore oneself, because one is able to rest from the day in order to give one’s mind and body a break from the tasks of the day. The second part of rest is accepting what can be accomplished through a striving effort, not a perfect effort. It is important to understand that what is accomplished is enough, even if it is not to your liking. On the other hand, if you struggle with overworking it is important to realize that what is accomplished is also enough, there is no need for it to be perfect. As Mother Theresa once said, I am not called to be successful, only to remain faithful [to my task at hand]”.
Spiritual Temptations: The antidote is hope, the ability to trust that God will bring to completion of the work yet finished. Fr. Mike Schimtz has an amazing talk on the importance of sleep and how getting to bed can be an act of trust in God. That is I entrust that you, oh Lord, will bring to completion that which has remained unfinished in the work I have done. Sometimes, the greatest form of rest is prayer, in particular prayer in which we allow ourselves to rest in the Father’s arms. Reminding ourselves that it is not our responsibility to make the parish counseling meeting go smoothly, or to get a huge attendance for parish events. It is not our role to convince others of the truth. Rather, it is one’s responsibility to love in the midst of the situation one is given, not the situation they wish they had been given. This requires that one humbly assess and acknowledge his limitations, not to serve as an excuse, but to remind one that he is merely mortal and it is God who accomplishes all things through the limitations of his servants. All he asked is that we submit ourselves to the plow, and on that day do our best to accomplish what he can, trusting that He will bring the work to completion through the messiness. Sometimes, the simplest way to live this out can be modeled from the prayer of John XXIII, “It’s your Church {Parish, Ministry, etc] God. I’m going to bed!”

Good Shepherd Newsletter 6

Wed, 16 Feb 2022 15:22:11 GMT

Competency 6: Spiritual Martial Arts

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

A. The call and role of a pastoral leader.

Fr. Th omas Augustine Judge, founder of Th e Missionary Servants of the Holy Trinity (MSST), once gave a speech about true humility. He noted that the truly humble person knows who they are before God, what needs to be done, and does it. Th at insight is a good accompaniment as we continue to seek to respond to God’s call to be a pastoral leader as priests and as shepherds striving to be good by the mere imitation of Christ THE Good Shepherd.

This insight into an ever more authentic humility bids every priest to be a servant leader, who knows who they are before God, what is the task at hand, and who seeks simply to do it...while inviting others to follow. That begs the constantly renewing question for every priest/good shepherd: What is the task before me and how do I do it?

A presentation could follow on how to identify and prioritize the tasks before us, but in that functional pursuit we may lead away from the essential goal of acting “in persona Christi.” For the priest/good shepherd then, the task is being the voice of Christ the Shepherd in more than merely a functional way. Th e implication may be that our fi rst consistent task is to substantially “lose ourselves” in Christ, participating with our whole being in the mystery of Christ’s life, death, and resurrection. Our common work then is to make our understanding, freedom, will, and self-off ering as a living sacrifi ce (cf. Rm 12: 1-2). Could it be that it is only in the consistent participation in Christ’s sacrifi ce, in his kenosis, that our ministry of leading will be authentic? Being a servant-leader calls us to grow into the ability to say to the Father, together with Christ: let “not my will, but what you will” be done (Mk 14: 36). Proclaiming leadership, therefore, always involves self-sacrifice, a prerequisite for our authenticity, efficacy, and loving service to the Church as the Bride of Christ.

B. Maintaining calm in the storms of conflict.

Proclaiming leadership in our roles oft en comes with attacks on our proclamations. In the diverse community of the Church there are numerous views and voices. As such, we must always be aware that there will be dissent to the way we function in our leadership roles. How do we adjust to these moments of conflict as they arise? How do we remain in a mode of self-sacrifice when faced with animosity and belligerence? What wounds do our parishioners project onto the priesthood and thereby to us?

In life some of the most interesting stories we hear as individuals are conflict stories. When we see two people deep in conversation, they are often in the midst of telling, or hearing about, some form of conflict. Conflict stories are fascinating, and we often hold strong feelings about them, especially when they are our own. These stories are told over and over again and we relive the experience of them and the hope that the other person would change just a little bit. Conflict holds much promise. If it weren’t for the conflicts we face in life, we would not grow as individuals and connect to others. The Passion is a story of conflict, connection, and of growth. Conflict can also follow another pathway, one of disconnect and isolation, like the path that Judas Iscariot followed. Conflict provides all the materials necessary to build walls and barriers to the world and those we love if we choose the path of isolation. Our own habits in conflict can take over and leave us wondering why we reacted a certain way or said something we’ll later regret. We always have the choice to change our habits and adjust our reactions to conflict.

To adjust our reactions to conflict, it may be helpful to look at the practice of Aikido, though not in the physical sense. The art of Aikido is translated as the way of the harmonious spirit. The goal of entering a meeting (what Aikido calls conflict) is to leave the other person as unharmed as possible. In other words, both people in conflict should leave feeling whole. In Aikido, the intent is to move towards the conflict and utilize the other individual’s energy to deflect their attack. Judy Ringer has categorized six facets of aikido as a conflict metaphor:

Resistance. My initial reaction to adversity is to resist it. In a physical assault, I want to keep the attacker away from me. Similarly, I would rather not have to deal with a workplace conflict, a difficult person, or a frightening illness.superiors, colleagues, employees, and parishioners allows for a well-rounded way to learn.
Connection. At some point, however, I must connect with the conflict if there is any hope of resolving it. In aikido, I connect by moving toward the attacker and joining my energy with theirs. In life, I connect when I accept that the problem exists. Connection is the first step toward resolution.
Practice. As I acknowledge the conflict, I begin to take action. At first my action is unskilled. I make mistakes, and I practice and refine my approach. Aikido practitioners refer to this refinement process as “getting on the mat.” The mat is the place where we meet to learn and hone our technique and practice confidence and presence.
Discovery. Through steady practice, I gradually find myself in new territory, where the realization of how little I know catapults me into a land of discovery. Whether on the aikido mat or on the mat of life, I become a learner. As I move from resistance to curiosity and wonder, my practice becomes fun.
Power. Discovery brings a new kind of power because it is aligned with energy. I learn that power does not equal force or coercion. Rather, this new power increases in direct relationship to flexibility and empathy.
Teachers. Finally, I notice that conflict has become my teacher. My difficult relationships have taught me flexibility and assertiveness. Through adversity, I have discovered new perspectives and insights. In aikido we say, “The attack is a gift of energy.”

The difference between a reaction and a response is time. When there is little time after a stimulus presents itself, we are reacting. If we can give ourselves a few breaths before making a move or statement, we move into the realm of response. Responding to stimuli means that we are able to do so with some level of control, Judy Ringer offers these ideas:

Breathe and Center. Often. A conflict can unbalance us with strong emotions and feelings of unworthiness, anger, sadness, and frustration. Do not avoid your emotions but treat them as guides. Appreciate and observe them as you might observe a play.
Take the Long View. It is so easy to get caught in the turmoil of the conflict that we forget there will be a tomorrow. Take some quiet moments to close your eyes and see yourself in the future with the conflict resolved. Imagine how you will feel with the problem behind you. What would you like the relationship to look like a month from now? A year from now? Meanwhile, eat well, go to bed at regular hours, laugh, and allow yourself to forget the problem occasionally. This may not be easy, but it is effective. Allow your inner wisdom to work silently while you continue to engage in life.
Reframe. Step outside the conflict momentarily and look at it through a more objective lens. Instead of resisting, ask yourself if there is a gift here — an invitation to look at things differently or to try a new behavior. Acknowledge the other person by standing in his shoes. Why is he behaving this way? What does he want? How would you feel in his position?
Experiment. Brainstorm all possible responses to this situation and try them on for size. Ask a friend to role-play alternatives you think you’d never choose because they’re so unlike your usual persona. Have fun exercising unexplored selves.
Practice. Choose one new behavior that will make a positive difference in your attitude toward life and make a commitment to practice that behavior every day.
Count Your Blessings. Notice the good things in your life. Cultivate gratitude and wonder. Thank God for what you have been blessed with.

C. Conflict Resolution (practical uses)

Putting what we know about conflict resolution into practice can be difficult. The command to “love one another as I have loved you” is difficult to live out, especially in these dividing times. A loving and merciful response towards contentious individuals requires the cultivation of the virtues of humility, patience, and trust in our Lord. These virtues coupled with some fundamental conversation skills can allow us to arrive at a resolution that can leave both individuals feeling heard, accepted, and valued.

The journey of successful conflict resolution starts with cultivating a trust in God. However, this is not a blind trust, it must be coupled with responsibility to cultivate a loving response. This requires us to be open to the other, receiving them where they are at and is a process that requires us to trust that in discomfort, Christ is leading us towards becoming more loving individuals.

Below are practical steps to Conflict Resolution:

Step One: Clarify everyone’s positions and elaborate where necessary. The best way to start the process of clarification is to reflect what you heard in a non-judgmental way. This can be achieved by naming the intellectual and emotional content. Starting with reflecting on what you heard will help to ease the tension and will help people feel like you are being attentive and care about their concern. It will be helpful to start your reflection with phrases such as: “Help me understand if I heard you correctly …”; “What I am hearing you say is…”; “Would you clarify my summary?” It is important to follow up your reflections with an invitation for the other person to offer clarification if they think you misunderstood their point of view. If they clarify their position, make sure to reflect their clarification and ask for their input again. Continue this process of communication until the other person is satisfied with your interpretation.
Step Two: Assess the truth and value behind what is being said. Often, the viewpoint people hold is the fruit of them wrestling with the truth and lies they have experienced in life. When we can recognize the truth behind the value that is held is based on the other’s experience, we can meet others where they are. Ultimately, if we can understand the value that they felt was infringed, we can understand their emotional turmoil. An easy to remember practical application of this clarification and assessment can be used with the following sentence structure: “What I hear you saying is, that you feel…. (Name the emotion you suspect that they are feeling)”; “Because…. (Name the value that you suspect they believe was infringed)”; “So what I heard you ask for is... (Name what you believe they are requesting.) did I hear you correctly?”.
Step Three: Clarify why you hold your position. However, it is important to remember that instruction is not to convince the other that your viewpoint is the correct one. Rather, it is to offer clarification on the values at play within your own viewpoint. This can be a time to clarify and instruct on what the Church teaches, as well as offer appropriate self-disclosure in regard to the personal struggle at arriving at pragmatic solutions. Self-disclosure can be difficult to gauge what is appropriate versus inappropriate. Appropriate self-disclosure should reflect the internal conflicts that are a play when attempting the related pragmatic solutions. • Step Four: Move towards collaborative solutions. Compromising is not about sacrificing your values but recognizing the value in the other’s perspective. Resolution comes easiest when both parties make an effort to meet each other in compromise. If no attempt is made or something is being asked that would compromise the integrity of your personhood or priest hood, then resolution may not be appropriate. Accepting when resolution is not appropriate/ not possible is part and parcel of having appropriate boundaries.

Sometimes people may stop and ask for something or complain at inappropriate times. We still want to give a loving response but realize a resolution to the issues may not be possible to ascertain at that moment. In these cases, it is appropriate to acknowledge the concern and to assert that it is an important topic you do not want to rush through and would like to come back to it later. This allows you to acknowledge the request, while asserting your boundaries and creating space for the things you need to be attentive too. As mentioned above, when individuals are unwilling to meet in the middle or request something that would compromise one’s personhood or priesthood, this is a situation in which resolution is not possible. Here it is helpful to accept that reality and reflect to the individual that it seems what they are asking is too much or that it seems they are unwilling to meet you. It is not your responsibility to move a person out of their stubbornness. This is also where it is important to ask the Lord for strength and courage to be disliked, trusting in him to make all things goods, humility that you are made for God’s love and so is the other while acknowledging freedom is a prerequisite.

Conflict in life is not something that many of us seek out. However, in our role as shepherds, it often is placed at our feet. Responding to conflict instead of reacting to it is often the best way to remain firm in our position while also understanding the views that others bring to us. We would like to conclude with the Act of Love by St. John Vianney:

I love You; O my God and my only desire is to love You until my last breath. I love You, O infinitely lovable God, and I prefer to die loving You rather than to live for a single moment without loving You. I love You, O my God, and I long for heaven only to know the bliss of loving You perfectly. I love You, O my God, and I only fear going to hell because there I will never experience the sweet consolation of loving You. O my God, if my tongue is not able to say at every opportunity that I love You, at least I want my heart to repeat it to You as many times as I take a breath. My God, give me the grace of suffering out of love for You, of loving You while I suffer; give me the grace of one day breathing my last breath out of love for You and at the same time feeling how much I love You. The closer I come to my final end, the more I beseech You to intensify and perfect my love for You. Amen.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 5

Wed, 13 Oct 2021 14:01:45 GMT

Competency 5: Expansion of Skills

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

This competency will focus on a priest’s commitment to be a lifelong learner. Seeking to expand their vocations beyond the limits of theology, priests will be encouraged to pursue excellence in business management, human resources, and pastoral counseling. We will explore what is needed to help priests manage these varied responsibilities.

Over the past few months, we have delved into various aspects of priestly life that, when practiced regularly, may add to greater fufilment, emotional health, and overall holiness. Each of the previous competencies: Vocational Resiliency, Positive Fraternal Connections, Sustaining Healthy Lifestyles, and Securing an Identity in Spiritual Fatherhood, has touched upon an aspect of priestly life that has proven fruitful when practiced. The final competency to be discussed is that of expanding skill sets; experiencing vocations as opportunities to continue learning as well as stretching beyond the limits of theology into other areas of vocation.

If you have never heard the phrase “a Jack of all trades” it means an individual who has some level of competency at a number of different skills. If you are familiar with the phrase, then you probably know the quote “a Jack of all trades, but a master of none.” Commonly, this is used in a derogatory fashion, saying that someone may know a little about a lot of things, but does not have any expertise in one particular area. The phrase originated with he term ‘jack’, a Jack was oft en the name given to the common place man at work (a jack-tar was a sailor) and later became a substitute for tools that took over the place of the individual (a jack-frame is a carpenter’s saw horse). Over time in their chosen fields, Jack’s saw so much from other areas that they gained a working knowledge of a number of different areas.

Priestly life is no less a hodgepodge of different areas of industry combining into one. At any given time a priest is an accountant, a budgeter, a boss, a handyman, a spiritual director, a landscaper, and any other number of roles that are required. Arguably, the roles a priest will have to take on may increase according to the resources of the parish they are assigned. With all of this in mind, it is important to remember the entire phrase about Jacks: “A jack of all trades, but master of none, is oft en better than being a master of one.” Throughout the course of the Church, priests have always taken on multiple roles. Th is newsletter looks at ways in which skill sets can be effectively expanded upon.

A. Vocational self-care

In today’s world we hear a lot about self-care. We are told to take time for ourselves so that we can exercise, sleep, relax, and do things that we enjoy. In a world where schedules always seem to be full and we are always connected by technology acts of self-care are often hard to implement. Individual self-care is an important part of life, and we have discussed aspects of this in our newsletter dedicated to sustaining a healthy lifestyle.

Vocational self-care is also an important aspect of living. At some point in your vocation there was a decision made to serve Our Lord. Through seminary and beyond schooling, experience, and other aspects of priestly life have shaped the kind of priest you have become. There is no doubt that many of these aspects have been beneficial. There is also no doubt that some aspects may not have the same shine on them that they used to. Vocational self-care is about keeping the professional side of us well. Is your vocation still motivating and interesting? Do you know how to balance leisure and work-time? Do you feel inspired and challenged?

As a shepherd of God’s people, you protect them, feed them, and help those that are lost. In doing so it is important to remember that you also must know how to administer to the flock. Before you were ordained you felt a calling. In discernment that calling came to fruition and, with Christ as a guide, you live out that calling everyday. Shepherds are constantly on the look out for dangers, for food, and for safety. They remain observant of their surroundings and what the flock will be facing, both good and bad. In short, shepherds are always learning and expanding their knowledge for the betterment of the flock. Shepherds also take time for their own rest. They allow their flock the freedom to find their own food, to handle some dangers on their own, and to get lost and be reunited again.

These periods of rest and rejuvenation are invaluable. As we read in the Gospel of Mark, “And he said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while (Mark 6:31).’” When we do not make time for what we need, we waste time we do not have. Do you remember why you first felt called to the priesthood? Do you remember the vision of the priest you wanted to be? Are you near or far from that vision? Vocational self-care involves grasping on to that vision and finding ways to bring yourself closer to it. The reality of any vocation or job is often different from our expectations, but it does not have to be completely different. Here are a few ideas to increase vocational self-care.

B. Types of Skill Sets

Generally, there are two types of skills used in work: soft skills and hard skills. Soft skills are those that we can use in any job. They are the interpersonal skills and personality traits that we carry with us all of the time. These skills make up the basis for how we communicate and work with others. Soft skills include:

Soft skills make up the “who” of our work personas. They are transferrable and appear in many of the different roles that we may have to take on. Soft skills develop over time, they are integral parts of our personalities and morals and often develop as we grow and mature. Soft skills can be expanded upon by increasing contact with others through team-building activities, support groups, friendships, or mentorship. Moving through life connected to others allows us a chance to grow who we are in many different ways:

1. Be open to feedback. Not all criticism is negative, it can help us grow when we are open to receiving it. Focus less on how criticism is delivered and discover what the message is. Listening to superiors, colleagues, employees, and parishioners allows for a well-rounded way to learn.

2. Communicate often. Effective communication benefits everyone. Communicate about tasks involved with your vocation and those outside of it as well. Take advantage of the different modes of communication available to you. Face-to-face communication is always important. We can also utilize emails, text messages, and presentations as a way to communicate with others. Keep in mind how you address others, if your message is clear, and notice how others communicate with you to develop a style of communication that works for you.

3. Adapt to workplace changes. As with any type of work, there are going to be fluctuations that occur in placements, staff changes, and procedure changes (as seen by our response to Covid over the last year). Try not to view changes as negatives, but rather as opportunities to implement new ideas, change procedures that are out-dated, and to learn how others around you adapt to the fluidity that is introduced.

4. Be observant. Notice how others around you, no matter their role, handle their vocations or work roles. Notice what things you can adapt into your own soft skill repertoire and make adjustments as needed. We can all get stuck in ruts, the more open we are to observing others and learning new ideas from how they operate, the less likely we’ll be stuck in a rut longer than we need to be. Hard skills are the skills that relate directly to how we do tasks. These are the skills that come with specific schooling, training, and experience.

Hard skills are the “what” of our vocations. Each role within your vocation requires a different set of hard skills. These skills may transfer between roles but often do so less easily then soft skills. For example, during a budget meeting any experience you have in accounting or budget management is a hard skill. Developing hard skills is more direct than developing soft skills. Most of us can recognize areas where there might be a gap in our ability to perform certain tasks. When we are honest with ourselves it makes it much easier to address these deficits.

1. Ask for advice. Openness to learning new skills is extremely important. Look at your network and determine which people in your life could offer advice. Perhaps it is a fellow priest that does well in one area, perhaps it is a friend or family member that excels within their own vocation. Asking for and following the advice of others is a great way for us to determine which skills can be expanded upon.

2. Take a class. Developing hard skills often means taking the time to learn something new. Professional development courses are often available for free and can teach us new skills in relatively short amounts of time. Learning new skills and techniques through short classes is a positive way to expand our hard skills while also refreshing the way we view certain aspects of work and vocation.

3. Set a goal. In the daily flow of life, it is easy to get lost in the current. Step back and look at areas you would like to improve upon. When those are identified set yourself a small goal and the steps you are going to take to reach it. Taking the steps to achieve a goal may lead to more positive outcomes and make success achievable.

C. Remaining Curious.

Perhaps one of the most important attitudes to maintain when expanding ones vocational or work skill set it that of curiosity. Vocations are what we strive to do in life, and they involve many different titles and responsibilities as we travel along our chosen path. As human beings we crave the familiar and not without reason, it surrounds us with feelings of safety and contentment. However, in our daily work, familiarity can lead to repetitive daily routines and feeling unsatisfied. As we read in Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Curiosity leads to learning, it is an active state of interest and wanting to know about something. Curiosity allows us to embrace circumstances that are unfamiliar and, in doing so, give us the opportunity to discover new experiences and find joy.

Numerous studies show that curiosity is linked to intelligence and learning. When we are curious about a topic we are more likely to learn about it quicker. Curiosity primes our brains for learning and helps to push us towards completing gaps in our knowledge. When we ask advice of others, we are more likely to discover those gaps and do something to correct them. Curiosity can also be helpful in how we relate to others. When we are curios about people’s lives, or they are curious about ours, it leads to levels of personal growth. Those that remain curious often end up not being bored, they are able to see new possibilities and due to an inquisitive nature, often find greater satisfaction in their pursuits.

The attribute of creativity often goes hand-in-hand with curiosity. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, described creativity as, “a central source of meaning in our lives … most of the things that are interesting, important, and human are the results of creativity … [and] when we are involved in it, we feel that we are living more fully than during the rest of life.” Creativity is often associated with the arts, like drawing, painting, writing, or music. However, creativity goes beyond these traditional activities. Creativity is about finding meaning and fulfillment in any activity. Early in life you were probably encouraged to be creative. As a matter of fact, we always encourage the creativity of children and ask them to extend beyond their boundaries to discover aspects of themselves and their environments that they do not know.

As adults, we should not let go of this idea. What were some creative things you did or wanted to do as a child? Try to recall times in your life where you didn’t get a chance to be as creative as you wanted and go for it. In today’s parlance we often hear this as “thinking outside the box.” The phrase is used enough that it may have lost the punch it was designed to deliver. In thinking outside of the box we give ourselves the chance to keep engaged with ourselves, reduce our stress, and improve our skills. Creativity helps us to center our lives around God’s presence; it is viewing the world not through the world’s lens but through the lens of the Divine Creator.

Jacks of a trade started out as men who did not know what they were doing. They had to learn the skills of their trade and in doing so would see others learning skills in other trades. Through this experience, skill sets were slowly expanded. The process of leaning into a vocation, learning about it, and continuing to expand within it is not easy. Constant work on self-care, both personal and vocational, is needed to keep the mind, body, and spirit refreshed. Curiosity assists in this, and creativity bolsters the process. Expanding our skill sets starts with understanding what skills are needed. The role of a priest is ever-changing. Many different hats need to be worn and those hats sometimes change multiple times in a day. Reminding yourself to remain adaptable, to ask for advice, and to live as a constant learner will go a long way in making change a little easier.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 4

Wed, 16 Jun 2021 13:29:07 GMT

Competency 4: Spiritual Fatherhood

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

This competency will focus on empowering priests to become more committed, accessible, and engaged in their role as spiritual fathers to their parishioners in a healthy and sustainable manner.

A. PATERNITY - The ideal of paternity and what it means to be a father in the real world. What is the role of a father?

Society is in need of fathers. The figure of positivity and authority, standing next to their children with a spirit of love and creativity is seen less and less. The absence of fathers is seen in the insecurity of young people and the increasing desire to put off adulthood. In his book, Father: Will There Still Be Priests in Church’s Future?, Massimo Camisaca states that when fathers are not present, children struggle to connect with reality, enduring it but not facing it. As foster father to Jesus, Joseph stands as one of the most well-known fathers in history. In this year of St. Joseph, we use the model of his role as a father to understand how fathers, both spiritual and biological, can strive towards the ideal that he set forth.

From Darth Vader to Atticus Finch, the idea of what it means to be a father has been portrayed numerous times throughout popular culture. Some fathers, like Mr. Finch, are morally steadfast and attuned to their children’s emotions. On the dark side of the spectrum, fathers like Darth Vader are morally ambiguous, ignore their children, are extremely selfish, and generally toxic. In our personal lives, and in the experiences of vocation, we have probably seen fathers that fall between these two extremes. In both these examples, the reach of being a father extended beyond that of their biological children and affected many of those around them.

The traditional assumption has been that a father’s role is to provide, protect, and establish a path forward for his family. Historically, father’s have been viewed as providers that go out to work and return each day; their efforts put food on the table and provide a safe place for their families to live, while providing ongoing direction. This view of providing is somewhat limited. Research indicates that the role of fathers encompasses much more than material provisions. Emotional intelligence, confidence, and safety are also aspects of what fathers bring to their families.

many different responsibilities. On any given day, a priest may be the first responder to a family going through a significant loss. Perhaps you will be directing family members on the role of ethics in end-of-life decisions. Other days involve the role of catechist, teaching young and old about the faith, and still other days require you to be a confessor, consoling those as they unburden themselves. Lastly, you are also an administrator; handling budgets, schedules, and employees. Managing these roles can be difficult, especially when multiple roles are required every day. Using St. Joseph as a paradigm for godly example of paternity, Pope Francis in his apostolic letter Patris Corde lays out seven ways in which St. Joseph implemented his fatherhood. A summary of the criteria follows:For priests, the role of spiritual father is one that carries aspects of what was noted above along with

A beloved father: Joseph lived his role as a father by sacrificing his life to the mystery of the incarnation.
A tender and loving father: Though he had fears and uncertainties, Joseph helped to raise Jesus and teach him about the world.
An obedient father: Joseph always followed the will of God the Father, remaining steadfast in his role as head of the family and following the guidance of God.
An accepting father: Joseph accepted the course of events in his life, he set aside himself and accepted things the way they were.
A creatively courageous father: Joseph faced many problems, and willingly embraced them, turning problems into possibilities.
A working father: Joseph has long been known as the worker and work is often seen as our own way in participating in the work of salvation, putting our talents and abilities in service to others.
A father in the shadows: the work Joseph did was not always seen, yet we know through the life of Jesus that he had a great effect.

A spiritual fatherhood is also one that takes on a person’s formation, their education and training as an integrated individual and member of a community, even without a biological relationship. This is the example offered to us by St. Joseph. Jesus was entrusted to Joseph by God the father. The people served in parishes are also entrusted by Another. The duties and responsibilities of today’s priests are becoming more challenging with each passing year. It is so easy to find yourself stretched to the point of breaking, discouraged, allowing your priorities to get out of balance, overwhelmed with text and emails thus affecting your personal life as well as your vocation to the Church.

Working with families on a daily basis, priests have a very clear understanding of the demands of fatherhood in the role of a family. So often, fathers struggle with the daily challenges and expectations of work, married life and raising children. They are often so busy taking care of everyone else that they often put their own needs last. Does this sound familiar to you?

Borrowing from Ephesians 5 and the millennia of Roman Catholic Christian tradition, priests are married to Christ’s church and are the spiritual father to many. In order to meet the needs of so many and still do the work that is pleasing to Our Father, it is important and healthy to establish boundaries and safeguards to insure productivity as well as maintain a healthy balance personally. Trying to embrace St. Paul’s example of being all things to all people (1Cor 9:22), we can be our own worst enemy trying to be everything to everyone. That can be a perilous expectation, perhaps achievable in moments by God’s grace, yet not sustainable without healthy boundaries and safeguards.

B. Spiritual Paternity - Priests are countercultural

Admittedly, the Trinity is not the first subject that came to mind when preparing to discuss spiritual fatherhood. Yet once pondering it, beginning with the God we together with Jesus call Father made perfect sense. At the very center of our faith is the lived celebration of the new covenant of kinship with God who is revealed to us first and foremost as “Father”. God creates and is thus Father to humanity, a brother to us in the person and incarnation of the Son, and a blessed companion in the Holy Spirit of love.

God as Father is the starting point of our credal formulas, reminding us that it is through the love of God the Father that we are given the gift of the Son through the power of the Holy Spirit (John 3:16). Throughout his public ministry Jesus proclaims the message that God loves the children of humanity as a “Father”, and mother for that matter, love their own children (Cf: Matthew 23:27 and Luke 13:34). With this in mind the foundational inspiration for the Church’s understanding throughout the centuries that the ministry of spiritual fatherhood strives at putting into practice the love of God for all humanity.

We remember with a tenderness that yields a sense of consolation how in Mark 14:36 Jesus addresses His Father (and ours) as “Abba, Father” in His prayer in Gethsemane. In Romans 8:15, “Abba, Father” is mentioned in relation to the Spirit’s work of adoption that makes us God’s children and heirs with Christ. Then in Galatians 4:6, again in the context of adoption, the Spirit in our hearts cries out, “Abba, Father”. Scripture passages such as these inspire the very venerable tradition of understanding that the work of spiritual fatherhood is to transmit this fatherly love of God for all people and to make it tangible in the life of every Christian seeking spiritual nourishment and guidance. This nourishment and guidance is encapsulated in the message that God is a father to us and that he loves each of us personally. No wonder that from the Desert Fathers and Mothers of early Christianity until today we call our ordained ministers “Father”, for they are called to provide parental spiritual nourishment and guidance to the faithful they shepherd.

Celebrating godly fatherhood in the witness of St. Joseph, Pope Francis begins his recent Apostolic Letter Patris Corde saying: “WITH A FATHER’S HEART: that is how Joseph loved Jesus….” The letter then goes on to say that:

“After Mary, the Mother of God, no saint is mentioned more frequently in the papal magisterium than Joseph, her spouse. My Predecessors reflected on the message contained in the limited information handed down by the Gospels in order to appreciate more fully his central role in the history of salvation. Blessed Pius IX declared him “Patron of the Catholic Church”, Venerable Pius XII proposed him as “Patron of Workers” and St. John Paul II as “Guardian of the Redeemer”. Saint Joseph is universally invoked as the “patron of a happy death.”

Quoting St. John Chrysostom Pope Francis celebrates how St. Joseph put himself in the service of the entire plan of salvation precisely by being a tender and loving spouse to Mary as he was equally a tender and loving father to Jesus. The letter then speaks of St. Joseph’s other virtues as being prayerfully obedient and accepting, displaying creative courage in the face of difficulties, hard working and humble…noting that fathers are not born, but made. The Holy Father admonishes that a man does not become a father simply by bringing a child into the world, but by taking up the responsibility to care for that child, noting that whenever a man accepts responsibility for the life of another, in some way he becomes a father to that person.

Worthy of note too are the spiritual disciplines of Catholic Watchmen out of the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. Discipline three is “Striving to be a spiritual father like St. Joseph.” They encourage an awareness of entering into a “Spiritual Combat” where a “man persistently commits to ‘step into the breach’ (Ezek 22:30) to be a protector, provider and leader for his family, his parish and for the Church.” They strongly encourage that persistent vigilance is essential because while many men are “good dads” who attempt to provide for their children’s necessities (shelter, food, education, etc.), what is required in spiritual fatherhood are men who shepherd many souls (especially their own children) to become adopted children of God. For them: “It is every Catholic man’s duty to be a spiritual father.” Responding to this paternal vocation is a grace filled task that demands persistent and prayerful discernment of oneself and others.

C. Maintaining Good Boundaries as a Spiritual Father

As we strive to live out the virtues that God has infused in us and work to become our “best spiritual father,” we need to be clear about the boundaries we put into place with ourselves and others that will result in good health, happiness, and holiness. Boundaries are what happen when we sense what we need and want and then use our voice to speak those things. Priests often have their limits violated by parishioners or others that are needy, overly dependent, and have high expectations. Most of the time this is not intentional on the part of the other person. Boundaries need to be clearly defined and communicated—always with kindness, courage, respect, and forgiveness, if there is a violation. Here are guidelines for boundary setting in 4 areas along with questions to ponder:

1. PHYSICAL— Includes needs for personal space, comfort with touch, and physical needs like rest, eating food, and drinking water. It is okay to tell people you don’t want to be touched except for a handshake or that you need more space. It is also okay to set a certain amount of time to be present with parishioners and family to visit with them. Then when that time is up, politely excuse yourself to address your physical needs. Some examples of communicating physical boundaries are:

“I need to eat. I am going to go grab something.”
“Don’t go into my room without asking first.”

How often will you accept invitations to eat/visit with parishioners? How much time do you need alone vs. with others? How much time do you need with family and friends to lessen burnout and feel invigorated? Are you getting adequate sleep (approximately 8 hours). If not, what is the reason? Remember to allow your personality to help guide you. Extroverts may want to spend more time with others while introverts may need more time alone to recharge.

2. EMOTIONAL— Includes respect and honor for feelings and energy. Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, knowing when to share and when not to share, and limiting emotional sharing with people who respond poorly. Respecting emotional boundaries means validating the feelings of others and making sure you respect their ability to take in emotional information.

We violate emotional boundaries when we:

Dismiss and criticize others’ feelings
Ask questions that are not appropriate for the relationship
Read or go through other’s personal and emotional information
Ask people to justify their feelings
Assume we know how other people feel
Tell other people how they feel
“Emotionally dump” on people without their permission

How would I assess myself in these areas of emotional boundary violations?

3. TIME— Recognizing that your time is valuable, it is important to define priorities then allocate adequate time for work/doing and rest/being. We can communicate boundaries regarding time by saying statements or asking questions such as: •

“I can’t come this weekend.”
“I can only stay for an hour.”
“Do you have time to chat today?”
“I would love to help, but I would be overcommitting myself. Is there another time?”

Some examples of violated time boundaries look like:

Demanding time from people without asking.
Keeping people in conversations or on tasks for longer than we told them we would. Showing up late or canceling on people without properly notifying them.
Contacting people when they said they would be unavailable.

Do I know my priorities? Do I need to change how I schedule my time so that I have a better balance between doing and being? Am staying emotionally nourished? Am I too needy by looking for others to entertain or guide me rather than knowing my own needs/wants?

4. INTELLECTUAL— Includes thoughts, ideas, and ability to be curious. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of other people with a willingness to understand the other person. Intellectual boundaries can be violated when thoughts and curiosity are shut down, dismissed, or belittled. Some statements that could be useful in conversation include: •

“I know we disagree, but I won’t let you belittle me like that.”
“I would love to talk about this more, but I don’t think talking about it during Thanksgiving dinner is the best time.”
“When we talk about this, we don’t get very far. I think it is a good idea to avoid the conversation right now.”
“I can respect that we have different opinions on this.”

We need not accept all other opinions nor do you need to continue in conversations where our intellectual boundaries are being disrespected.

Am I able to recognize when another person is disrespecting my opinion and then set a boundary to discontinue the conversation? Do I belittle or dismiss others who are trying to share information with me and reciprocate a willingness to try to understand. (Earnshaw, 2019).

Remember, it is important and healthy to establish boundaries and safeguards to ensure a healthy balance both personally and in our vocations. Often, we can be our own worst enemies when we try to be everything to everyone. Healthy boundaries will help you to become the happy, healthy, and holy priest that was the goal of being a priest when your vocation was first realized. All forms of fatherhood come through Him who is our eternal Father. As spiritual fathers we enter into His school and attempt to learn His methods as closely as possible. Through discovery as God as our father we can become the fathers that he wants us to be, and that our people deserve.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 3

Wed, 16 Jun 2021 13:02:45 GMT

Competency 3: Sustaining a Healthy Lifestyle

Posted by Dr. Tom Spudic on April 20, 2020

Chances are this newsletter came by email. It was one of many in the day, one more notification in a long string of notifications. There were likely other notifications: telephone calls, text messages, notes, fellow clergy or staff asking a question, calendar reminders, even reminders to take a break. When do the notifications end? When does the workday end?

On the tail-end of a pandemic and the demand it has placed on many professions and vocations, it may not be surprising that 76% of employed adults in the U.S are experiencing burnout symptoms (Spring Health, 2021). Data over the last year shows that the Covid-19 pandemic and political issues are the largest current contributors at 57% and 33%, respectively (Springhealth, 2021).

What exactly is burnout? Burnout takes the form of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion that can be caused by excessive exposure to stress. Burnout is most noticeable through feelings of being overwhelmed, emotionally spent, and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, interest and motivation in the chosen vocation begins to wane. As burnout increases, productivity begins to decrease as do energy levels, which may lead to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and resentfulness. Additionally, cynicism may find its way into daily interactions and the feeling that there is nothing more to give becomes more powerful.

The effect of burnout spills over into every area of life—including your home, work, and social life. Additionally, long-term changes to your body that make you vulnerable to illnesses like insomnia, colds, and flu can occur. Dealing with burnout is important in order to head off these negative possibilities.

Signs and symptoms of burnout

There may be mornings when dragging out of bed requires every bit of energy and prayer that can be mustered. Most people experience days when they feel overloaded, helpless, or underappreciated. When this feeling is pervasive, burnout may be on the horizon. The process of burnout is gradual and doesn’t happen overnight. The signs and symptoms are subtle at first, but become worse as time goes on. An easy way to remember this is like the check engine light on a vehicle. Sometimes the light appears because there is a problem, but one that can be easily fixed. Visiting a mechanic may be put off, the car seems to be running fine, and since there is not an obvious repair needed, it can wait. However, the longer it takes to get a repair, the worse the problem gets. Something that could have been easily fixed got worse over time as it wasn’t noticed. Paying attention and actively reducing stress, can prevent a major breakdown in life as well.

Recognizing burnout

The ability to recognize burnout is often difficult. Often, it appears as stress, but stress has an endpoint that can be seen; if everything can be accomplished there is light at the end of the tunnel. Burnout is the cause of unrelenting stress and involves feelings of not being enough. Motivation disappears, mental exhaustion creeps in, and there is a feeling of emptiness. Often, in these situations it may seem that there is no chance of positive change. Burnout can feel like we are all dried up and have nothing left to give.

Work related causes of burnout

Feeling like you have little or no control over your work.
Lack of recognition of reward for good work.
Unclear or overly demanding job expectations.
Doing work that’s monotonous or unchallenging.

Lifestyle causes of burnout

Working too much, without enough time for socializing or relaxing.
Lack of close, supportive relationships.
Taking on too many responsibilities, without enough help from others.
Not getting enough sleep. Personality traits can contribute to burnout
Perfectionists tendencies; nothing is ever good enough.
Pessimistic view of yourself and the world.
The need to be in control; reluctance to delegate to others.
High-achieving, Type A personality

Some are able to notice the signs of burnout and some push past the boundaries of exhaustion without ever realizing it. Regardless of one’s ability to notice burnout, if it is not addressed in healthy ways it can lead to further physical, emotional, and spiritual distress. How does one deal with burnout?

Recognize: Watch for the warning signs of burnout.
Reverse: Undo the damage by seeking support and managing stress.
Resilience: Build your resilience to stress by taking care of your physical and emotional health.

Below we will explore ways to manage burnout.

A. Health and Wellness

The goal of exercise, in order to prevent burnout, is not to become a King David or Samson, but rather to allow our bodies moments of reprieve. Throughout history, mankind has been on the move, traveling from place to place, working the fields, as technology has made our lives easier it makes regular movement a little more difficult. There may not be a need to get up for hours as you pour over emails and write homilies. Regular exercise can have a positive effect reducing stress, anxiety and depression. A recent study by the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that running for 15 minutes a day or walking for an hour reduces the risk of major depression by 26%.

Does the thought of carving out an hour of your day to walk cause more stress than the actual walk can alleviate? No worries, current recommendations are to include at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday. This can be done all at once, or broken up into shorter periods of time throughout the day. Rhythmic exercise (moving both arms and legs) is a natural way of boosting mood, increasing focus and energy. Often this time can be used as a time for prayer and contemplation, perhaps walking for as long as it takes to pray the rosary. Alternatively, listening to your favorite music or podcast might also make the time more enjoyable. Fresh air and time away from the demands of a busy schedule provide needed distraction to break out of the cycle of negative thoughts that feed depression and anxiety and provide a fresh outlook.

Research indicates that moderate levels of exercise are what most people need. Moderate exercise can be determined if breathing is a little heavier than normal, but not so out of breath that you cannot carry on a conversation, and that your body feels slightly warmer but not necessarily breaking into a sweat. There are always obstacles to exercising, if it were easy this newsletter would not need to be written. The most important part is to start small. Setting goals that are extravagant when feeling stressed or under the weather is a recipe for disaster. Do what you can when you can and be proud of the small achievements and build from there! Schedule your workouts when your energy levels are high, while waiting until the end of the day may be easier, it is often better to exercise when you know you will have the energy. Focus on doing exercises that you enjoy and remember to invite others to these activities with you.

Part of making exercise a priority involves letting go of thoughts related to work and allowing yourself to focus on your body as it moves. How does the ground feel under your feet? Can you feel the wind on your skin? How heavy is the weight in your hand? Being present in the moment and noticing these physical sensations is a large part of how exercise can help rejuvenate us. Exercise also has a positive effect on our immune systems. When exercise is combined with a healthy diet the improvements are often noticeable.

Most nutritionists will agree that the “calories in, calories out” approach is where everyone needs to be. This simple statement means that to maintain a healthy diet, we should be putting in the same amount, or less, in calories than we exert throughout the day. One way to do this is to minimize sugar and refined carbs; old Halloween candy or a medium fry may hit the spot, but it will lead to a crash later in the day. Attempt to reduce foods and liquids that can affect your mood, such as caffeine, overly processed foods, or those with large amounts of hormones. Coffee is great….in moderation (Sorry...had to.). Omega-3 fatty acids give your mood a boost; these include fatty fish (salmon, herring, mackerel, sardines), seaweed, and walnuts. Avoid nicotine; smoking may seem calming but nicotine is a stimulant and can increase anxiety and stress. Drink alcohol in moderation. Alcohol temporarily reduces worry, but too much can cause anxiety as it wears off.

Eating healthy doesn’t have to be difficult but it does require some planning out of your meals. Try taking some time in your day off to plan your meals for the week. What items do you need from the grocery store? Don’t try to complicate it. Sources such as Emeals, Blue Apron, Hello Fresh and other “subscription” boxes can be a good source of new recipes for both lunch and dinner. When grocery shopping, try to stay along the edges of the grocery store and away from the aisles (where the processed food is primarily located) as much as possible. Remember, if you have dietary issues, try meeting with a nutritionist. They can help guide you to foods that your body can more easily digest.

Small investments in both diet and exercise can be of benefit in reducing burnout and emotional stress. The payout of making incremental changes in these areas will show dividends within your vocation.

B. Simple ways to recharge

Just as making small investments in diet and exercise can produce big changes, the same goes for how we find ways to recharge in our daily lives. In addition to the physical strains that we may experience with burnout, there are emotional strains as well. In our last newsletter, we focused on the importance that fraternal connections have in helping maintain positive emotional health. In addition to reaching out to others, there are simple ways of dealing with the emotional turmoil that may arise from burnout. Journaling can be an excellent way of dealing with emotions. When we can put our thoughts and feelings down on paper, we give our minds more bandwidth to focus on tasks during the day. In addition, it is often helpful to focus on the emotions we are feeling, positive or negative, and learn how to accept them. Accepting emotions does not mean that we approve of them, it is simply an acknowledgement of how we are feeling. In addiction recovery there is a common phrase, “Let go and let God.” This phrase is a reminder that if thoughts and emotions can be let go of, there is less to worry about.

One of the most effective exercises to reduce stress that can be done anytime throughout the day is that of deep-breathing. First, when practicing this sit deeply into your chair. Closing your eyes take a deep breath and let it slowly go out. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly. When inhaling, breathe in so deeply that your stomach will expand. We do this naturally when sleeping but most of us never bring the deeper/lower lobes of our lungs into our normal breathing unless we’re exercising. So again, breathe in deeply, perhaps count to five to make sure you take the time you need to fill your lungs more completely. Breathe in and then slowly out, making sure you exhale completely. Repeat this for about three or four times until you notice your body beginning to relax. At the same time and while keeping your eyes closed, think about your face, shoulders, arms, hands, legs, feet and muscles. Aiming to release the tension stored in those various places, relax as you imagine the tension flowing out of your body. With gentle awareness notice your shoulders. Are they high or low and drop them, allowing the world to roll off. Notice your back and your stomach, your upper and lower legs; wiggle your feet and ankles. Foster a calm awareness of which parts of your body have tense muscles and try to relax those muscles while continuing to breathe deeply and almost imagining the air of your deep breaths going into them and relaxing them. Sitting deeply in your chair you will feel heavy. Continue this until you feel like your whole body has finally relaxed. Initially it might take longer than three to five minutes, but as you do this greater frequency and regularity, you will learn to relax and will be able to do it more and more quickly.

C. Engage in things you are passionate about

For the context of this article, let us consider this non-theological notion of passions: people, places, interests, activities, and situations/circumstances that simultaneously (and paradoxically) energize us and deplete us in a healthy way. Our natural passions are a gift from God, as are our innate talents, out of which God means us to live the abundant life of joy and peace. Many of you became priests in response to a natural passion to lovingly serve our Lord and his people. You know well the reality of feeling energized during priestly work followed by the reality of feeling exhausted by and after an intensive measure of it.

How do we recognize our natural passions? When people are fully engaged or immersed in a natural passion, the following phenomena are commonplace: we lose track of time, we feel an enthusiasm, an alertness, a keen focus, a lack of distraction, a sense of being nourished or rejuvenated, even a ‘good’ anxiety which clinicians refer to eustress. We read an analogy of these phenomena in the Transfiguration story mainly through Peter’s ecstatic words.

As with our sensual appetites, it is wise (and therefore holy and virtuous) to moderate and balance our natural passions in order to sustain the kind of healthy lifestyle needed to vigorously serve our Lord and his people. It is commonly observed that any single over-weighted or over-utilized passion tends to result in one’s decreasing revitalization and increasing depletion over time. In the worst-case scenario, such a trend can lead to burn-out or collapse.

So make a habit of indulging your natural passions in a consistently balanced manner. You may find it useful to inventory or catalog them using the PIES model:

Physical: Generally means some form of exercise or bodily exertion
Intellectual: What do you love to learn about?
Emotional : ‘Wasting’ quality time with great friends •
Spiritual: Drawing closer to our Lord in relationship

These are the dimensions of our humanity and within them each of us can probably identify at least one natural passion. When we attend to nurturing all four of these aspects of personhood, we will sustain the healthy lifestyle needed for mission service.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 2

Thu, 22 Apr 2021 01:22:10 GMT

Competency 2: Positive Fraternal Connections

Posted by Dr. Tom Spudic on April 20, 2020

“Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter: whoever finds one has found a treasure. Faithful friends are beyond price; no amount can balance their worth. Faithful friends are life-saving medicine; and those who fear the Lord will find them.”—Sirach 6:14-16

A. The Importance of Fraternal Brotherhood

The development of positive, healthy, and supportive relationships is important for all individuals to strive towards. With the busyness of work, it is easy for friendship to take a back seat. However, being intentional about making time to be with others—especially brother priests--contributes to better health and happiness.

Subsection 8 in the Decree on the Ministry and Life of Priests: Presbyterorum ordinis, states: “All priests, being constituted in the order of priesthood through the sacrament of Order, are bound together by an intimate sacramental brotherhood; but in a special way they form one priestly body in the diocese to which they are attached under their own bishop. For even though they may be assigned different duties, yet they fulfill the one priestly service for the people.”

The idea that one priestly body is formed within each diocese is an important aspect that may often be overlooked. In practical terms: priests need to seek to understand each other; extend hospitality, come together for spiritual, intellectual and social purposes, and show care for those who are ill, troubled, or in danger. A genuine, balanced effort to cultivate solitude with the Lord will have a positive effect in relations with others, and especially brother priests.

In 2011, Monsignor Rossetti published a book called “Why Priests Are Happy” (Ave Maria Press). His research found that priests who build charitable relationships with family, friends, and neighbors have a better connection with God. Loving neighbors and relationships help to love God. What does it mean to form charitable relationships?

Charity in relationships begins with being generous with time and energy without expecting anything in return. Are there areas of ministry in which we look for help, or wish others would notice that we are in need? Often the best way to combat these deficiencies in our daily work is through trust and communication. When possible, it can be helpful to remember that just as we have unmet needs and wants, others do as well.

A general guideline which applies to all of life, but perhaps which priests find difficult to live with in regard to each other, is that no one can argue with kindness. Kindness may not always yield the results you would like quickly or exactly as we would like. Sometimes we may find ourselves in situations that cannot be changed, and all we can do is bear with it. Still, it may be difficult to hold anything against someone who is truly kind. That means, then: do not be that unbearable situation to someone else! Life requires lots of give and take, and often much more give than take. Be careful not to be unreasonable in insisting on doing things your own way, and always be ready to go the extra mile to accommodate the preferences – and yes, sometimes the quirks – of others.

The Church sets a vision of the presbyterate as a family. That spirit of give-and-take that we have to develop is in relation to the other members of our family, and we cannot (or should not) simply “opt out” of our family. Our past experiences of our family may often affect how we view our role in our families as adults. Did we get along with siblings growing up? Were our parents fair and just? In our daily interactions with those we are in familial relationships now, what roles do we take? Priestly fraternity excludes no one. However, it can and should have its preferences, those of the Gospel, reserved for those who have greatest need of help and encouragement. Living this family life takes special care of the young priests, maintains a kind and fraternal dialogue with those of the middle and older age groups, and with those who for whatever reasons are facing difficulties.

The grace of ordination “takes up and elevates the human and psychological bonds of affection and friendship.” Living the Gospel presumes spending time with those who have the greatest need of help and encouragement. We cannot choose the family we originate from – and we cannot choose the family that our work and vocations place in our lives. It is wonderful to be assigned with brother priests whom you “click with,” but even when that is not the case, the rectory should serve as a model to other households in the parish. This requires patience, good will, a willingness to grow together, self-knowledge, and a sense of humor – all traits that are needed for successful family life. We do not learn about family life by reading books about families – we learn by living in a family.

Fraternity allows for the celebration of good times and provides support in bad times. While it may be difficult, learning to trust in others, sharing similar struggles, victories, and experiences creates closeness. True brotherhood is taking an interest in the dreams and goals of others and encouraging them then celebrating when these are achieved.

Taking a break from the usual routine of ministerial life can lessen the possibility of burnout. Feelings of loneliness can create or perpetuate unhealthy vices. Having fraternal relationships that allow for us to confide in others can boost happiness, reduce stress, increase our sense of belonging and purpose, improve our confidence, improve self-worth, and help us cope with traumas such as the loss of a loved on. These relationships may encourage positive change such as getting good exercise and lessening harmful habits such as excessive drinking. Research shows that adults with strong social support have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure, and an unhealthy body mass index (BMI).

Some people that we associate with may spend their time with others complaining and a little venting can be beneficial. According to Jon Gordon, who wrote the book "The No Complaining Rule," the more we complain and the more we surround ourselves with those who complain often, the more unhappy we become. Research has shown that excessive complaining or listening to others complain can develop illnesses such as heart disease, anxiety, and depression. Experts say that children who grew up in a household whose parents complained a lot grow up to be unexpressive of what they feel, unmotivated to act, feel discouraged, and only see the negative. Scientists who study brain functioning have noted that each time a person complains, the brain produces the stress hormone cortisol. This produces rise of blood pressure and glucose spikes. The brain works to rewire itself which means that it makes the same reactions much more likely to happen again. To combat these negative effects, a good solution is to define the problem and then work to solve it. Brainstorming with others could help us get a better perspective. When we develop a problem-solving attitude to combat our negative thoughts, we are empowered to take action or let something go rather than feel helpless or hopeless..

“God sends us friends to be our firm support in the whirlpool of struggle. In the company of friends we will find strength to attain our sublime ideal..”—St. Maximilian Kolbe

B. Self- Assessment About Our Own Sense of Fraternity
We are often raised to be independent which can be of great service to us; however, it is helpful to remember that being INTERDEPENDENT is actually the best way to stay healthy and happy. Being interdependent helps us to blend differences and can teach us to understand and/or accept other views even when they disagree with ours. Being interdependent is a choice to be curious about others‘ points of view rather than reactive to them. Living too independently can cause us to follow the energy of our own strengths and meet our own needs rather than be aware of others’ strengths or needs.

Consider the following questions regarding interdependence. Do I have a sense of connectedness to other brother priests? Do I have at least one other priest friend who I can all if I get an overwhelming call from a parishioner or need to discuss how best to handle a difficult situation? How often do I call, text, or email? How about see in person?

Reflecting on the characteristics above, how much do I function independently and how much interdependently? Which areas require focus so that I can improve?

C. Tools for Developing Fraternal Connections

Some find it easier to develop brotherhood than others. Experts in the field of relationship building have identified three phases of forming friendships as indicated below:

Phase 1: The Formation Phase is the transition from strangers to acquaintances to friends. During this phase individuals engage in interactions to get to know each other and to forge the affective bond that characterizes a friendship. Both youth and adults tend to form friendships with others who are like them.
Phase 2: The Maintenance Phase involves engaging in interactions that serve to sustain the relationship. Friends engage in a variety of behaviors to maintain their relationship, such as sharing interests, doing recreational or leisure activities together, and exchanging support and advice. Friends typically have conversations about topics such as family issues, other interpersonal relationships, and daily activities.
Of mention regarding the vocation of priesthood is the reality that with changes in assignments comes a change in closeness with those who have lived in the same house and with parishioners. If good connections have been developed in a particular parish, after resettling, there will need to be time for adjustment. Transitions can be difficult, and it is helpful for priests to recognize emotions (e.g. loss, anger, frustration) that develop as assignments change. If there is sadness or a feeling of loss, some time may need to be allotted for grieving. As a way to begin to move forward, openly communicating what future relationships may look like regarding staying in touch and continuing that fraternal bond that has formed is important. Boundaries may need to be established that demonstrate “moving forward” both on a physical and emotional level. The expectation for getting “settled” and feeling more comfortable in a new setting is going to be about a year.
Phase 3: The Dissolution Phase: While some friendships will be maintained indefinitely, others will dissolve or break up. Friendships dissolve for multiple reasons and under multiple circumstances. Sometimes the dissolution can be attributed to circumstances; a friend may move away, and contact becomes harder to maintain. Sometimes friendships end abruptly. For instance, friends may have a major disagreement that is not resolved. Friendships may also end gradually. In some circumstances, friends have less in common over time or feel less supported by each other.

1. Elements of Strong Connections to Others: A Time to Practice Virtue of Charity and Exhibit Fruits of the Holy Spirit.

“A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” —Saint Basil 6:14-16

When we know ourselves well, we know our needs. With the help of the Holy Spirit, we can identify aspects of ourselves that may help us live the fruit of the spirit and be Christ to others. Connection is a 2-way street; others can only honor our needs and wishes if we communicate them. The depth of friendships varies, and by explicitly stating what we are appreciative about to others will help friendship of all types flourish. Lessening our expectations of others and just being present when needed is going to result in less disappointment and more happiness.

Strong relationships require strong boundaries. To maintain good emotional health, we must know our limits of giving and be intentional about adequate self-care. Did your family teach a good balance of work and play? Were you given the freedom to learn and grow? Were you given a good example of respect among family members? Patterns of relating often remain the same even after we enter adulthood if we are not self-aware and intentional about behaving and speaking differently. If we grow up in a home where we often felt rejection, we may hesitate to reach out for help when we need it. As we grow to know ourselves better, we can develop new patterns of relating and let go of the ways that are not as effective.

Holding grudges erodes relationships. We have the opportunity to practice being merciful and forgiving of others. We all struggle at times to be our best selves! Giving grace as God gives grace goes a long way in growing in holiness and helps us to feel better about ourselves.

2. Practical Ways to Find Community with Brother Priests and/or Parishioners—Defining Who, When, What?

The frequency of interactions between friends is one central determinant in the success of maintaining a friendship. Answering the questions below could help you if you need to build better fraternal connections.

Who do you know? Who do you have things in common with? Who were your friends in seminary?
What is Your phase in life? Are you young, middle-aged, older? What do you like to do? Do you hike, play golf, run, play tennis, bowl, play poker, go to the movies, gather to watch movies, like reading books, enjoy doing service work? Would you like to start a “club?” Is there a new activity you would like to learn or explore? Is there someone else you would like to ask to join you?
When is your day off? Can you coordinate to be off the same day as other friends?
What does maintaining a good relationship with the family you grew up in look like? How much time do you want to give to staying connected with parents and siblings?

3. Elements of Good Communication

Experiences in our family of origin along with opportunities we have had to learn to communicate as we mature help or hinder our ability to relate well with others. Below are elements of communication that have been determined to be most effective:

Along with these elements are important skills that respect boundaries of others in relationship:

Be clear, concise and considerate of the time you are speaking vs. listening. Try to keep it balanced.
Do not ever assume you know what someone else is thinking. Instead, be open and accepting of what the other person is communicating. Ask, “Can you tell me more?”
Respect the autonomy of other people . . . Ask “Can you help me understand . . . ?”
Speak with “I think” and “I feel” rather than “You should”New Paragraph

The Priest’s Relationship with His Parishioners

Bishop Michael A. Saltarelli of the Diocese of Wilmington, Delaware says that people are looking for two things in a priest: “to be present and to be pleasant.” In the priestly fraternity, as in the family, relationships cannot be assumed, much less taken for granted. They must be nurtured. In 1 John 4:20, the Beloved Disciple teaches: “If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates his brother, he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”

The fundamental disposition of the priest, then – and above all, of the parish priest – is toward the People of God. In treating this aspect of the priest’s relations with others, the Council’s Decree on the Ministry and Life of Priests, Presbyterorum Ordinis, states, “Priests have been placed in the midst of the laity to lead them to the unity of charity …. It is their task, therefore, to reconcile differences of mentality in such a way that no one need feel himself a stranger in the community of the faithful. They are defenders of the common good, with which they are charged in the name of the bishop. At the same time, they are strenuous assertors of the truth, lest the faithful be carried about by every wind of doctrine. They are united by a special solicitude with those who have fallen away from the use of the sacraments, or perhaps even from the faith. Indeed, as good shepherds, they should not cease from going out to them. To do this, and to do it well, the priest must know his people.

Presence is the language of love; naturally, we want to be present to the ones we love. However, a priest’s love for his people is directed not at his own longings or self-fulfillment, but rather at leading them to a deeper love for Christ. If the shepherd is going to guide his sheep on the path to greener pastures, guiding them to stay on the path and prodding them to move forward, he must walk in their midst.

Integrity means that the priest works toward selflessness and is willing to suffer for the sake of the truth because the very purpose of his existence is to help his people make progress on the path to eternal salvation. Priests need prudence not to speak words that are rash. When we know people’s struggles, failures, and successes, when we understand their perspective on their deepest desires in life, then we learn when and how to speak, in order to lead people into all truth.*

*(Information taken from https://sfarchdiocese.org/documents/2017/10/priest-relationship-to-the-lay-faithful-rector-conference-march-2016.pdf)

Conflict Resolution: Successful Negotiation of Disagreements Can Foster Increased Trust and Closeness

In general, conflict is infrequent in the early stages of forming a friendship but tends to increase as individuals become closer friends over time. Conflict involves self-disclosure and exposing one’s own vulnerabilities. Evidence suggests that conflict can serve to strengthen the emotional tie between friends.

Going back to our family of origin, we have learned how to handle conflict based on reactions from our caregivers. The diagram below shows 4 boxes. We become Accommodators when our caregivers were very strict. We learned to “do it the parents’ way” and were not usually given an opportunity to have a voice and be asked our thoughts. Some become Avoiders out of a deep-rooted fear of upsetting others. Their environment was dismissive or hypercritical so they deliberately sidestep conversations. Controllers were victims of inappropriate control and have difficulty trusting others. They strive to control everything around them to gain peace. However, in the end, they just feel anxious. Which box do you find yourself most in?

The goals in conflict resolution are to Collaborate and Compromise . . . rather than accommodate, avoid or control. Ideally, we communicate assertively (rather than passively or aggressively) to express our needs. In addition, we are concerned with satisfying others’ needs which results in cooperation. (See the attachment to see qualities of assertiveness vs. passivity and aggression in order to assess if it may be helpful to change your pattern of communicating).

Personality and temperament play a big part in relationships! Being able to respect others’ uniqueness as God’s plan for everyone goes a long way in accepting and tolerating differences.

Good Shepherd Newsletter 1

Wed, 13 Jan 2021 21:58:52 GMT

Competency 1: Resiliency

Posted by Dr. Tom Spudic on April 20, 2020

Resiliency will be elaborated upon by the following three points: reclaiming the incarnational humanity in human activity (human being vs human doing); the primacy of prayer for every Christian soul, especially for leaders; discerning emotional, spiritual, and leadership health.

A. Reclaim being a human being rather than a human doing, i.e., slow down.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear...,

and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.” —1 John 4: 18

Here’s a fundamentally important question that we too infrequently ask ourselves: Is my tendency to act out of fear or out of love? A qualified “Well, it depends” seems reasonable enough. Yet what transparent answer would prayerful reflection yield? Generally speaking, acting out of fear is about control and safety. Acting out of love looks more like acceptance, openness, listening, trust, and understanding.

Contrary to control, love is unfiltered and unflinching attention. More than mere affection, love is the opposite of fear. This comparison may provide cause to consider St. Paul’s words to the Corinthians as a corrective rather than a discourse on love: Love is patient! Love is kind! It is not jealous, pompous, inflated, or rude! It is not quick-tempered, nor does it brood over injury! Love does not seek its own interests, or rejoices over wrongdoing but rather rejoices with the truth!

For a working example let’s consider the Archbishop’s Annual Appeal. When the assessment is levied and efforts feel burdensome and/or insufficient — the fear of not meeting an expected goal for whatever reason looms large in a parish priest’s psyche. Responses to this annual task can range from what is necessary to what is justifiable especially when fears set in. Considering the choice of living with regret or with gratitude as a good indicator of whether or not we act out of fear or love. Did we trust our Lord who works through process or did we react based on fear from both internal and external sources? Regret and shame are byproducts of fear. Gratitude for an outcome is inspired by love. It’s less about responding to a perceived need to control and more about striving to be grateful for the experience...perhaps even more grateful that the experience is over!

What about this as a goal: seeking to allow work and ministry, even administration, to flow from a place motivated by love and allowing it to feel less forced? Could a sign of operating from fear be when ministry becomes obsessed with metrics, how much and how many? There are many cautionary tales that remind us that whenever we try to control outcomes, going beyond trusting in God’s providential love, we are doing, not being.

Yet there are times when taking control is both healthy and necessary. There is a sense of accomplishment when things get done, and that is a good thing. Perhaps the greatest challenge about doing is discerning if it comes from a need to control or a realization of understanding who we are, what needs to be done, and doing it. Control creates a feeling of power and meaning that can have more to do with our egos than with grateful hearts. By way of illustration, one of the take-aways from the current pandemic is that the anxiety experienced by many was due to a sense of a loss of control. The remedy has been to suggest exercising control over areas where the choice is still ours, like communicating with neighbors or researching a worthy charity. Could it be as simple as following the suggestion of the pithy saying: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?”

Being on the other hand is not complicated, but we may have complicated it. Consider that when we are at prayer, or the ministry of prayer, we are not so much doing prayer so much as being our best prayerful selves. We are in a privileged space and engaged in a trusting process, one that let’s God be God. Being in prayer seeks to let go of control and abandons ourselves to God the Father, precisely as Jesus consistently sought to do.

Yet being is beguilingly easy. The habit of quieting the mind, especially in prayer, has been rehearsed and experienced by many of us from our first praying of the Rosary. Rituals of prayer, both personal and universal, have helped us focus on the task of merely being, echoing Psalm 46 “Be still and know that I am God.’ All of us can admit that arriving at “being still” came from repeated attempts of jumping into the unknown and thrashing for hours until trust yielded the surrender into being.

Summarizing, dare we identify patterns here: Fear versus Love; Control versus Trust, Ego versusGratitude; Outcomes versus Process, Doing versus Being?

Pope Benedict’s insight is helpful here: “If you follow the will of God, you know that in spite of all the [challenging] things that happen to you, you will never lose a final refuge. You know that the foundation of the world is love, so that even when no human being can or will help you, you may go on, trusting in the One that loves you.” Pope Benedict XVI. “The Lord’s Second Temptation.” from Jesus of Nazareth.

So in the end, trying to exert too much control in my life and the perception the world has of me through someone else’s validation, that’s fear. On the other hand, if I were operating from a place of love, it would matter significantly less to me whether or not after my best efforts, goals are met, because if it is meant to happen, it will...in God’s good time.

After all, in light of the Incarnation, we human beings, not human doings.

B. The primacy of prayer in the life of every Catholic Christian soul, especially their leaders.

Before the papal conclave in 2013, many of the Cardinals gave a brief four-minute intervention in regard to what type of man the next pope should be. As one among many brothers, the then Cardinal Jorgé Bergoglio, before he was elected pope, made four points. His words are in essence a blueprint for his papacy which emphasizes the importance of the Church going outside of itself to the peripheries of sin, pain, injustice and misery to reach all people. His fourth point however is an essential one in regard to the role of the pope, the shepherd leader among shepherd leaders, and can be applied to every priest and, indeed, to all of us, in whatever vocation we find ourselves. He emphasized that the pope, and by extension every priest, must be a man of prayer – “a man of contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ.”

Only this will enable the Church to go out to the peripheries and realize her mission.

Pope Francis’ emphasis on prayer is essential in focusing on the basic identity of the priest which enables him to go forth both within himself and in the lives of others in order to encounter God. Pope Francis’ reflection very much echoes the words of Pope Benedict XVI in his first Chrism Mass homily as pope in April 2006. There Pope Benedict emphasized that “The essence of Priesthood is to be a friend of Jesus Christ. To be a friend of Jesus, to be a priest, means to be a man of prayer. Friendship with Jesus is always par excellence friendship with His own. We can be friends of Christ only in communion with the whole Christ.” The implications of this are both profound and powerful. Prayer gives the priest his sense of direction and is a source of joy that evades emptiness in his life, an emptiness which can lead to selfabsorption,

cynicism, gossip and even to the destruction of his own vocation.

It bears repeating that it is essential for us to renew our commitment to prayer, or as Pope Francis put it, “to be a man of contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ.” It is only through prayer that we will be able to carry out our ministry and bring Christ to the peripheries where we will find Him already present due to our friendship in prayer with Him. As prayer takes many forms, preeminent for a priest are the prayerful celebration of the sacraments, most especially the Eucharist. The Eucharist must be central. As priests, our prayer in the sacraments must be grace filled encounters with Christ for us if they are to be even more of an encounter with Christ for the people we serve. We can perform many liturgical functions and be involved in many different forms of prayer but they must be in true contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ or we will lose our direction very easily and encounter that joyless emptiness.

Contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ enables us to encounter the presence of God within us, around us and in the peripheries of life itself. Prayer puts us in touch with grace which is the free, limitless and merciful love of God incarnate in the person of Christ. Through prayer we come to experience that grace not so much a commodity but a person, Jesus Christ.

Very recently, two modern diaries of priests have been presented to us which speak a great deal about the reality that, in prayer, grace/Christ is everywhere. One are the reflections of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI on his life, resignation and current semi-monastic existence, entitled Last Testament. The other is the private spiritual diaries of St. John Paul II, entitled In God’s Hands. Both of these accounts express the primacy of the priest being, in the words of Pope Francis, “a man of contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ.” As St. John Paul II expresses poignantly in the aforementioned diary, “The priest who prays becomes a living witness to what prayer is…People expect this from a priest. They want him to be a master of prayer, a man of prayer!”(pg. 166) Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI testified to this particular quality of being a man of prayer in the life of St. Pope John Paul II, in his Testament, “… if you concelebrated with him (Pope John Paul II), you felt the inward proximity to the Lord, the depth of faith which he would then plunge into, and you really experienced him as a man who believes, who prays, and who indeed is marked by the Spirit.” (pg. 168) Both of these diaries emphasize how to grow in prayer daily so that we can experience grace/Jesus Christ in all things and convey Him to others.

things, even as we priests are sustained by the commitment to prayer of our faithful. In the response of every Christian to the mutual vocation to be steeped in prayer we form that “great cloud of witnesses” to which St. Paul refers (Hebews 12:1). Let us all pray for each other, that we may be, together with our faithful, men of prayer – “of contemplation and adoration of Jesus Christ.”

So, how is your prayer life? Would a prayer-accountability partner be helpful?

C. Fostering a sense of your emotional, spiritual, and leadership health.

Seeing, Thinking, Leading (cf: Resilient Leadership; Duggan & Moyer) Resilient Leadership is a framework for both thinking about and leading within human systems. Developed by Bob Duggan and Jim Moyer, the framework integrates all of the key concepts of another theoretical framework called Bowen‘s Family Systems Theory, and applies it to leadership and organizations or parishes/ministries like yours.

Consider these three key concepts from Resilient Leadership. While merely a piece of the entire framework, these three ideas are very helpful in working as leaders and teams: Emotional Process, Triangles, and Self-differentiation.

Emotional Process

In its simplest terms, this concept points to the reality that every organization has both a rational system and an emotional system. The rational system is what we pay attention to most of the time: worship, education, finances, information technology, personnel, policies and procedures, etc. In other words, the rational system includes everything we can observe and measure.

The emotional system, on the other hand, is much harder to observe. It arises from having our parishes populated by human beings, and is driven by the anxiety that is a normal and inevitable part of human existence.

Think about your ministerial experience for a moment. Can you remember a time when there was change or turmoil going on in your parish and speculation, if not rumors, abounded? Or a time when you stepped into leadership as a new pastor or parochial vicar and found your pastoral team opposed to everything you wanted to do? If so, you’ve experienced the power of the emotional system.

Resilient Leadership highlights the importance of emotional process in organizations, and offers tools for observing and influencing this system. This is important because it’s the emotional system that drives human behavior (and ministry), not the rational system. For example, if you spend your energy and time as a pastoral leader focused on all the reasons it makes logical sense to re-organize and on what the new plan will look like, you will fail to address the emotional undercurrents that are actually driving whether others support the change or not.

Triangles

This framework suggests that triangles are the natural building blocks of human relationships/ systems. They form whenever two people experience tension and triangle in a third person in order to manage that tension. The classic example in organizations is when two employees have a conflicted relationship and constantly turn to you, Father, to complain about each other and strongly “suggest”, if not demand, that you “do something.”

Left to fester, triangles can become hugely detrimental to productive ministry and morale. However, the good news is that you as a leader can also have a positive effect on the triangles that you’re involved in. Resilient Leadership suggests that there are two key skills to managing yourself skillfully in triangles and producing positive outcomes:

Stay connected to and define your position with the two other points of the triangle.
Stay emotionally neutral in the triangle (in other words, don’t take sides).

What would this actually look like? Consider a pastor that has two employees that do not get along with each other. Here the pastor first learns to manage his own reactivity to the tension so that he can avoid taking sides. Then he communicates clearly to both of them that the parish mission needs them both, and that he will hold them accountable to find a way to resolve their differences without involving him. While it’s not a cure all, the pastor’s behavior in the triangle gradually lowers the overall level of anxiety and tension and promotes a higher level of functioning from both individuals.

Self-differentiation

Self-differentiation essentially means that you have the capacity to do what “Fr. Mike” did in the previously mentioned example: to define your perspective or take a position, without cutting off emotionally from others. This is typically described as the ability to take clear stands without steamrolling or sugarcoating, while still staying connected. Another way of looking at this is to consider it as a way to help others to “buy-in” to your vision with their thoughts and ideas.

Here the notion of self-differentiation is important. Leading as a Differentiated Self means that you are clear about who you are as a priest and pastoral leader, what you stand for, and are able to communicate that to others while still staying connected to them. A well-defined leader calms a system, because they bring clarity and consistency to it.

The goals here are:

Be a calm Non-Anxious Presence means to “embody and communicate an inner calm in a way that lowers others anxiety.” (One can imagine how being rooted in prayer helps here.)
Staying Connected means to strike a healthy balance by being “Close enough to influence yet distant enough to lead.”
To Lead with Conviction means being able to take tough stands while still staying connected to important stakeholders, i.e. staff, pastoral team members, and parishioners. Sometimes this refers to a capacity for being bold and for taking risks when needed (...not out of a need to control but rather out of desire to influence others through a loving zeal for shepherding).

If Resilient Leadership resonates with you and you find yourself wanting to learn more, consider reading the book. What about you? How do you see the concepts of emotional process and triangles playing out in your parish and/or ministry? How does your level of self-differentiation as a pastoral leader affect your behavior?

Good Shepherd Newsletter - Introduction II

Tue, 10 Nov 2020 17:38:13 GMT

Good Shepherd - 5 Competencies

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

INTRODUCTION:

At this year’s 2020 Catholic Psychotherapy Association Conference, Dr. Anthony Isacco, a psychologist from Pennsylvania, asked priests of his diocese, “What would you like a mental health professional to know about clergy health?” The response received entailed the primacy of each priest maintaining a relationship with God through prayer. In addition to a healthy prayer life, Dr. Isacco identified 5 competencies that, when practiced regularly, will help priests live their vocation with greater fulfillment, emotional health, and holiness.

VOCATIONAL RESILIENCY: This competency will focus on how to help priests stay committed to their vocation by developing the emotional and psychological chutzpah to face and manage everyday challenges.
POSITIVE FRATERNAL CONNECTIONS: This competency will focus on encouraging fraternal time with brother priests as something that is constructive, healthy, and supportive.
SUSTAINING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE: This competency will focus on practical suggestions that will help priests manage and foster emotional maturity and guarding against burnout.
SECURING AN IDENTITY OF SPIRITUAL FATHERHOOD: This competency will focus on empowering priests to become more committed, accessible, and engaged in their role as spiritual fathers to their parishioners in a healthy and sustainable manner.
EXPANSION OF SKILL SET: This competency will focus on a priest’s commitment to be a lifelong learner. Seeking to expand their vocations beyond the limits of theology, priests will be encouraged to pursue excellence in business management, human resources, and pastoral counseling. We will explore what is needed to help priests manage these varied responsibilities.

In the following issues of Good Shepherds, the therapists with Holy Family Counseling Center will present each competency and expound upon them. With each competency, our goal is to provide priests with additional skills and resources that will foster happiness/fulfillment, emotional health, and holiness. With the goal of empowerment, we hope to help priests recognize God’s presence in their lives while acknowledging gifts and weaknesses, renewing a sense of community, and developing a deeper understanding and love of their vocation.

Each newsletter will be followed up with a video conference meeting where our therapists will facilitate discussion on the content of the monthly Good Shepherds newsletter and/or other topics of interest to the presbyterate. These sessions will be nonintrusive and will simply be an opportunity for discussion.

With the sincere desire to address the concerns and needs of our presbyterate in a secure and private manner, we welcome your feedback and suggestions at this secure email address: GOODSHEPHERDS@HOLYFAMILYCOUNSELINGCENTER.COM All correspondence will be received by a member of our Good Shepherds Wellness Council team and will be held in the strictest confidence. We will use this information to provide future content for the newsletter.

Provided by the therapists of Holy Family Counseling Center. This newsletter and follow up video conference are meant as a resource to assist our beloved clergy maintain their emotional health and holiness as servant leaders of the Church. Our sincere and prayerful desire is to assist our priests to stay happy, healthy, and holy.

Good Shepherd Newsletter - Introduction I

Tue, 10 Nov 2020 17:29:07 GMT

Good Shepherd - Introduction

Posted by Holy Family Counseling Centers Staff on April 20, 2020

PURPOSE:

To assist priests in integrating a life of health (physical/mental) and holiness. This means affirming priests in their vocations, their humanity, and their commitment to serve in the Church. It is not psychotherapy/counseling. It is meant as a resource to maintain the health and holiness of each participant.

WELLNESS:

We will strive to facilitate “wellness” as part of every person’s vocation, both lay and ordained. We wish to strengthen the ability to experience God’s loving mercy through the capacity to love oneself and to give love to others in friendship, community, and service. Wholesomeness, joy, and holiness -- these are our summary goals.

FORMAT:

The primary means of support will come through a brief newsletter that provides suggestions for navigating the physical/emotional/spiritual challenges priests frequently encounter. In addition to the newsletter, we envision the possibility of periodically facilitating a video conference meeting to discuss newsletter content or other points of interest to the presbyterate. These sessions will be nonintrusive and will simply be an opportunity for discussion. No intense sharing will be sought or solicited. Everything will be in service of maintaining healthy priestly vocations in a confidential manner.

GOALS:

Our hope is to empower priests to live lives that involve: • Recognizing God’s presence in their life stories and the ability to recognize one’s basic self-worth.

Acknowledging and managing responsibly one’s weaknesses and limitations.
Naming, celebrating, and improving one’s gifts and using them in service to the Body of Christ.
A renewed sense of community and reconciliation and knowing how to engage honestly and compassionately with others.
Taking responsibility for maximizing one’s emotional, spiritual, and physical health while continuing to discern, choose and recommit to one’s vocation.

*If deeper or significant issues arise, we envision them being referred to either spiritual direction or counseling.

FREQUENCY:

With sustainability in mind, we suggest a bimonthly or quarterly newsletter combined with 1 hour video-conference call where newsletter content can be discussed. Confidentiality will be a hallmark along with a shared understanding that weightier matters may be better addressed in spiritual direction, therapy, or with another peer confidante.

ASSESSMENT:

Means for the evaluation of the effectiveness, feasibility, and sustainability of this effort would need to be determined in consultation with the Bishops and/or other clergy.

We are an Easter People

Mon, 11 May 2020 07:19:08 GMT

We are an Easter people!!

We are an Easter people!!
Just as Jesus experienced resurrection after much suffering, so can we become a new creation. He is the way to our having the resurrection to eternal life with God the Father. He can also be the way, in the here and now, to our resurrection from all the ways we suffer. We can be pulled down because of life circumstances and sometimes the sufferings are of our own making. God will never let go of our hand, but sometimes we let go of His. On the cross, His outstretched hands are inviting us once again to see Him, hear Him and to take His hand if we’ve let go of it. He can give us both the beautiful eternal life that He’s prepared for us, but also the new life of redemption here where we can understand Him to be our trustworthy companion in the journey of life. We will still have irritations, inconveniences, confusing situations, troubling times and even heartaches. Relying on His friendship can give us peace in turbulent times. He is faithful and steadfast.

God is able to reach us in many ways .
Sometimes, He helps us to lead a deeper, more fulfilling life through working with a kind and competent therapist. Let’s face it, addictions, heartaches, marital discord and many other troubles are often much bigger than we can handle alone. God can allow others to be His hands and feet in order to minister to us in a visible, tangible way. At times, it just helps to hear an audible voice reassuring us that we’re on the right path or challenging us to go deeper. Others can speak life into a situation by asking the right questions. Often, we have had the answers deep within ourselves all along. It can be very affirming to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes who see us as valuable and made in God’s image. They can be a mirror of truth.

Counseling can be challenging work but well worth the investment of time and energy for your own well-being and also the positive ripple effect on the others in your life. Growth is worth pursuing. A fulfilling life is what God wants for each of us and He uses many ways to help us to get there. Consider the options set before you, pray, and decide what you’d like your answer to be to the call of using this particular avenue. What a joy to become who you were created to be, free from the old struggles that hold you back! He can bring healing as you discover how to become more open to receive the great love that He has for you. There is hope. There is redemption waiting for you.

Every person has a mission from God. What’s yours?

Tue, 28 Apr 2020 07:19:08 GMT

Every person has a mission from God. What’s yours

If your answer is quick, clear, and certain, and accompanied by an abiding sense of peace, joy, and fulfillment, then this article will probably not be useful for you. For others, read on.

Scripture clearly demonstrates God-given mission for the Old Testament prophets, King David, the apostles, the Blessed Mother, Saint Joseph, Saint John the Baptist, the rich young man (see Matthew 19:16-22), Saint Paul, and Jesus Christ himself. We are no different.

People are sent on mission by God; this is why we are born into earthly life. People are also prepared for mission by God via innate talents, life experiences and skills/lessons learned, relationships healthy and unhealthy, and the practice of virtue.

Our true mission will resemble and implement one or more of the corporal and/or spiritual works of mercy. We do not choose or define it for ourselves; we receive it from God, though we are usually unaware of it. Therefore, most of us first have to actively discern it so that God will reveal it, then we decide to accept or decline it. If we accept, then we further decide to fulfill it half-heartedly or whole-heartedly. The measure of our abiding peace, joy, and fulfillment largely depends on these decisions.

Holy discernment is a deliberate, intentional process involving each aspect of our humanity: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. It is comprised of a) disposing oneself fully to God on a frequent and regular basis, b) imploring God to reveal his will while promising to obey, c) listening for the voice of God in prayer and in interactions with others, and d) documenting the interior and exterior movements of the Holy Spirit as they occur. Maintaining a persistent state of grace is an essential overarching principle of holy discernment.

Jeremiah 1:5 clearly reveals that we can be really, profoundly, and truly known apart from our DNA, our relationships, our life experience, our achievements and failures, our wounds; many of these speak lies about our real/true identity. This same verse equally demonstrates that we cannot know ourselves in the fullness of truth apart from our holy mission. Verses 6-10 show our natural resistance to holy mission and God’s unfailing reassurances to work through us. Meditating on Jeremiah Chapter 1 is an awesome way to begin the journey of holy discernment.

In the age of COVID-19, many find themselves with an extraordinary amount of unplanned, unstructured time, providing a fortuitous opportunity to ponder life’s ‘big’ questions, such as discerning holy mission. For those who wish to get started, make 5 lists. These lists can be as long or short as you want, as broad or granular as you want. Here they are:

Your talents (God-given aptitudes and capabilities that you’ve always possessed in some measure and that you’ve honed/refined during your lifetime)
Your skills and areas of knowledge/expertise (competencies that you’ve learned during your lifetime)
Your passions (people, places, things, interests, etc. that energize you)
Your values (ideas, principles, beliefs to which you desire that your life conform)
Your heroes/heroines (real people living or dead, fictional characters from books/movies, etc. whose appeal exceeds mere admiration)

For any who wish to continue this process, please reach out to us at info@holyfamilycounselingcenter.com or call us at 678-993-8494 so we at HFCC can gauge the level of interest in this topic. If sufficient feedback is received, a follow-on article will be posted soon after. We here continually pray that you & your loved ones stay well during these unprecedented times.

"Our true mission will resemble and implement one or more of the corporal and/or spiritual works of mercy."

Smart Parenting in the Smartphone Era: Part II Using Resources

Mon, 27 Apr 2020 18:23:19 GMT

Part II: Using Resources

Smart Parenting in the Smartphone Era: Part II Using Resources

By Wendy Baribeau, LAMFT

As we discussed in last week’s blog, the dangers that our children face when utilizing modern technology are serious and complex. As parents, we all have an obligation to protect our kids from the tech that can be addictive, degrading, or unsafe. Parental controls and other resources can help parents take advantage of the benefits of modern technology while protecting kids from harmful tech. The dangers are changing everyday, so parents need to stay informed of the latest trends. We offer the following guidelines as a starting point for you to consider adopting into your parenting practices.

Use Hardware Settings

Most smart phones, tablets, and computers have some parental controls built into the device. These allow parents to grant access to only specific websites, block apps, and restrict account changes. You can require children obtain parental permission to add or delete apps. Parents can limit music, movies, TV shows and books to only PG rated content. In addition, parents can shut down devices at bedtime.

Filter Internet Usage

Although many educational websites exist, if you allow children to search the internet, you must purchase a filter to block pornography. Many products can replace existing browsers to allow for safer browsing results. Unfortunately these filters do not work within individual apps.

Research Apps

Although apps can be easy-to-use, helpful tools, they are a portal to an unfiltered Internet. Currently, we cannot trust provider app ratings. The disparity between provider ratings and independent ratings is often dramatic. For example, Netflix is rated 4+ on the Apple App Store but 17+ on an independent site due to its poor parental controls, mature content next to child content, graphic sexual violence, normalizing sex trafficking of minors, and gratuitous nudity. VPN blockers that are rated 4+ on the app store allow anonymous web browsing that circumvent parental controls.

Limit Time

According to research conducted by Dr. Twenge, children and teenagers should limit their online time to less than one hour per day for leisure-time activities with a maximum of two hours per day. Parents can use the Apple “screen time” feature to select specific apps to set time limits without affecting the entire device.

Monitor or Ban Social Media

If you won’t be monitoring your children’s use of social media, do not allow it. Parents need to use settings within each social media app to ensure privacy and minimize comments. Talk with your children about using apps responsibly, and warn them about the potential risks and dangers from last week’s blog. Advise them to keep online “friends” to a minimum, emphasizing that a large number of friends does not equal popularity, rather it connects them to more bullies and predators. Be aware of multiple accounts with fake names. YouTube is social media.

Restrict Video Games and Content

Remember the Xbox/PlayStation system is attached to the internet, and therefore, requires parental controls. Be sure to follow age-appropriate guidelines for each game, and make sure children cannot download or play games without your permission. Use a timer to limit play time. We recommend a maximum of one hour per day, weekends only. Block all chat rooms, and teach kids to never play or talk with strangers. On the phones, you can block multiplayer games and utilize settings within each app to add more controls.

Watch Programs Together

Use TV programs, movies, and videos as an opportunity to spend time with your children and take advantage of teachable moments. Check the ratings, and remember that a Smart TV needs parental controls too. YouTube and YouTube for Kids are not safe. Parents need to block them or watch programs together with their children.

Instill Good Sleep Habits

Keep phones, tablets, video games, computers and TVs out of the bedrooms. Use parental controls to turn off all devices at bedtime. Ensure healthy sleep habits based on recommended hours for children by age. For more information on sleep requirements visit this site .

Practice Your Faith

Remember that modern media is secular and profit-driven. Media companies make more money from eyeballs lingering on their sites. Unfortunately, immorality is highly entertaining and “cool” to kids and teenagers. Parents must teach the Catholic faith to their children, explain why the teachings are important, and show how they lead to earthly happiness. Parents who display their commitment to God by attending Mass, praying regularly, and talking about God at home are most likely to transmit that faith to their children. Parents have the duty to protect their children from the sinful, secular culture. It is not easy, but Catholic parents must swim against the tide.

Keep Children Busy

Kids can easily resort to online stimulation out of boredom. Help feed their curiosity in healthy ways. Help them develop real self-confidence and social skills in offline activities through natural trial and error. Keep kids busy with chores, sports, clubs, church activities, jobs, exercise, hobbies and volunteering.

Don’t Be Naive

Please don’t think, “my kid would never do that”. All kids are naturally curious, all fallen humans desire instant gratification. The temptations are everywhere.

Stay Calm

If your children tell you about something bad that happened online, stay calm. The fact they are telling you is a positive thing. Help them work through the issue and think through the incident to arm them with the skills to stay safer on their own.

Conclusion

It’s not an easy job, but it’s not impossible either. If you have made mistakes in the past, don’t be too hard on yourself. Trial and error are to be expected with an enemy so keen and powerful. While it may be impossible to prevent all bad content from our children’s eyes in today’s world, we know we must do our best to stay informed, educate them, block what we can, and monitor as much content as possible. The safety, security, and well-being of an entire generation is at stake.

A Message of Hope

In late 2019, a resolution was introduced by House Representatives Mike Johnson (R-LA4) and Ben McAdams (D-UT4) to recognize the need for an independent app rating review board and for user-friendly parental controls. This resolution (H. Res. 721) is endorsed by the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, a nonpartisan nonprofit in Washington D.C. Please click on this link for more information and to show your support.

Resources

Internet Filtering Software: Covenant Eyes, Qustodio, Norton Family Premier, Bark, Our Pact
apple.com: Screen time tutorial
com: blogs on digital safety
com: research on popular apps
org: research apps, games, movies, tv shows and books
org: tips keeping kids safe online
com: documentaries and weekly newsletter

For more information about Wendy or her team, please visit Holy Family Counseling Center at www.holyfamilycounselingcenter.com

Smart Parenting in the Smartphone Era Part I: Know the Risks

Mon, 27 Apr 2020 18:19:54 GMT

Part I: Know the Risks

Smart Parenting in the Smartphone Era Part I: Know the Risks

By Wendy Baribeau, LAMFT

Many Catholic parents have decided to give their children computers, smartphones and tablets for a variety of reasons. While nearly all schools in this country, including Catholic ones, have embraced the belief that technology aids learning, most parents are not fully aware of the dangers that unsupervised internet usage creates.

Every day, kids and teens seemed to be glued to their smartphones and devices. Although most parents have a general concern about internet content, lack of offline interests, and attention-span issues, they may not understand the alarming risks that recent studies have revealed. Understanding the risks and admitting your children are vulnerable is the first step to protecting them.

Risk One: Mental Health Disorders are Rising

In 2008, most American teenagers owned a smartphone. Since that time, we have seen an increase in mental health disorders among our nation’s teens. Here are the main concerns:

Suicide. Teen suicide rates have increased 56 percent since 2007. Teens who spend three hours or more per day on electronic devices are 35 percent more likely to have at least one suicide risk factor, including hopelessness, lack of meaning, or lost interest in life. Children taking their life by suicide at younger ages today than ever before.
Anxiety. Research shows risks of mental health disorders increase with screen time of two hours or more per day.
Addiction. A recent research study imposed a 24-hour media abstinence period. These teens reported feeling “paralyzed, going crazy, emptiness, tortured, and insecure,” all of which are classic withdrawal symptoms from substance abuse and dependency.

Risk Two: Underdeveloped Brains More Susceptible

An individual’s brain is not fully developed until age 25. The frontal lobes, which handle judgment, insight and impulse control, are the least mature region of the teenage brain. In addition, a little bit of stimulation to a growing teenage brain leads to strong craving for more rewards that can easily become an addition. This explains why teens become addicted to things quicker and recovery is harder.

Interestingly, 70 percent of teens say they want parents to set online filters, although they probably won’t tell their parents directly. Perhaps this is because God created an ordered relationship between parents and children. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, “the fourth commandment …. requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors.” (CC2199)

In addition, “this commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons.” (CC2199)

We cannot rely on teenagers to monitor themselves. Parents have a moral obligation to protect their children and teenagers from these dangers.

Risk Three: Pornography More Dangerous Than Ever

Pornography may be one of the most common concerns for Catholic parents today. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that:

“Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense.” (CC2354)

However, pornography exposure goes way beyond even these serious moral offenses today. Here are some growing issues:

Age of Exposure. The age when children are viewing pornography for the first time is getting younger. The average age children are seeing porn today is 11 years old, and children rarely tell their parents.
Wrong Perspective. In addition, most teens don’t think porn is bad for society, and many view it as sex education.
Portrayal of Sex. The content of modern porn is not about sex but violence, degradation of women, and the most extreme sexual acts. The violence, aggression and rape in porn has undoubtedly contributed to the #MeToo culture we live in today.
Addiction. Pornography is extremely addictive and both teens and adults find it incredibly hard to stop.
Sexual Problems. Porn contributes to erectile dysfunction and sexual aggression, including child on child.
Mental Health Problems. Porn increases ADHD symptoms, depression, loneliness, and anxiety.
Fuels Child Pornography. Adult pornography fuels the demand for child porn and human trafficking. Children and teenagers are making porn themselves and at times, uploading it to social media. The porn industry makes over $100 billion dollars per year and is aggressively marketing to young potential customers. Large, powerful technology companies are accomplices.

Risk Four: Social Media Magnifies Peer Pressure

Although social media use is not as addictive as pornography, it introduces a new level of problematic peer pressure. Snapchat brags on its website that its daily active users open the app on average 25 times per day. Here are common social media issues:

Fear of Missing Something. Teens are naturally worried about missing out, but social media magnifies this fear with 24/7 pressure to keep up. This results in feelings of loneliness and marginalization.
Cyberbullying. Cyberbullying can be traumatic and extremely hostile including comments such as “you should kill yourself.”
Sexting. Not only is this morally problematic, but it is illegal for teens to possess nudes of anyone under the age of 18.
Perfectionism. Photoshop-style filters on Snapchat create an unrealistic standard of “beauty” for young girls.
Uneducated Education. Teens are “educating” other teens about sensitive and complex topics such as eating disorders, abortion, depression, cutting, medications, and LGBT issues.

Risk Five: Video Games Fuel Addiction and Dangerous Behavior

In June 2018, the World Health Organization classified “gaming disorder” as a mental health disorder because the effects of excessive gaming are severe. Gaming is highly addictive. More symptoms of ADHD were found in adolescents who played video games for one hour per day. Some of the most popular games include extreme violence, porn, theft, and gambling. Many modern games encourage isolation. Recent studies show correlation between violent video games and physical aggression.

Risk Six: Sophisticated Predators Lurk

The internet has been a boon for pedophiles, sex offenders and predators due to its anonymity and accessibility to kids. Many kids and teenagers enjoy meeting “new friends” or, to parents, “creepy strangers” online. Many even prefer it over face-to-face communication.

Predators are notoriously patient and methodical in the grooming process. They use pornography to lure kids and teens. They use social media sites, email, and gaming chat rooms to slowly build a relationship with unsuspecting or lonely children. Many young girls are harassed for nudes on social media but are too embarrassed to tell an adult. Teenagers can “fall in love” with someone they have never met in person.

Risk Seven: Problematic Programming

Failing to supervise children in selecting TV, movies and videos online creates another risk. Many TV shows and movies rated 13+ will have sex, violence, drug and alcohol use, mental illness, and dangerous pranks without portraying any realistic consequences.

In 2018, Netflix aired a TV series called “13 Reasons Why” that glamorized the story of a teen girl who died by suicide, ignoring the laws on responsible suicide reporting by media companies. Videos on YouTube and YouTube for kids are not censored and showcase the best and worst of humanity from around the globe. Teens watching dangerous pranks and dares often try to imitate them.

Many issues associated with children and teens’ modern use of smartphones can be considered scandalous, and parents have a moral obligation to take action. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, “Scandal can be provoked by laws or institutions, by fashion or opinion. Therefore, they are guilty of scandal who establish laws or social structures leading to the decline of morals and the corruption of religious practice, or to social conditions that, intentionally or not, make Christian conduct and obedience to the Commandments difficult and practically impossible.” (2286)

Next Week: Practical tips for parents on using internet filters, adding parental controls, managing screen time, and more.

For more information about Wendy or her team, please visit Holy Family Counseling Center .

In Sickness and In Health

Mon, 27 Apr 2020 18:13:48 GMT

In Sickness & In Health

I married an older woman—she’s roughly one month older than me. I get a lot of mileage out of the month of October.

We were both 22 when we got married and the last thing on my mind was illness. I was a college athlete, my dear wife was (and is) a firecracker and neither one of us would ever get much older than 30. Uh…yeah.

50+ years later, I look at life differently. I still love being married to her. We enjoy pretty good health, but that never getting older than 30 thing didn’t really work out. The same is true of illness. I’ve had two knee replacements, minor back surgery and early stage Parkinson’s. My “older woman”, though as beautiful as the day we married (I mean it), has had heart valve surgery and treatment for breast cancer. Plus she’s lived with a pain in her neck for 50 years.

I’m glad that a promise to support each other in sickness and in health was a standard part of the wedding vows. Otherwise I would have been even more clueless about how you need to love your spouse in health, so you can better love her/him when age and illness come.

These thoughts come to mind as we deal with the reality of the coronavirus. The possibility of serious illness is always with us, but we are rarely faced with that “unexpected” reality. Getting old and death are things that we like to pretend will never happen.

It’s a bit ironic. Among the most enriching experiences of our long married life has been comforting each other during illness or loss. When I first got married, little did I dream that sharing these times of closeness would mean so much to me. We were together at my father’s funeral. We were both present when my father-in-law, passed away. When my mother died we both prayed at her bedside. We jointly visit my 97 year old mother-in-law. Those comforting experiences have been incredible, as we’ve helped each other in times of illness and death.

My point is this. Work to truly love each other today, so that you can fully be there tomorrow when it is sorely needed. Treat each other with love, respect and compassion today . Make it a habit. That doesn’t mean you won’t disagree or argue with your spouse. Sometimes that’s necessary. Your marriage won’t be perfect. But never demean, show contempt, hatred or humiliate your spouse. Scripture is very wise:

(Sirach 28:18)

Many have fallen by the edge of the sword, but not as many as by the tongue.

We’ve been strengthened by each other in dealing with life’s challenges. Marriage can be incredibly comforting in the hardest of circumstances. If we are to have our spouse by our side when we most need them, we need to treat them with respect and compassion the rest of the time.

Illness does not only come to us physically. It can also come to us through selfishness, unbridled anger, addiction and other aspects of our fallen human nature. If we are to be present in sickness and in health, we must sometimes eliminate the “illness” in our own marriages.

…Should a man refuse mercy to his fellows, yet seek pardon for his own sins? (Sirach 28:4)

It’s not always easy. Over the course of a marriage, wounds and hurts accumulate. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness are a central part of a happy marriage. Even “77×7” doesn’t cover all of the times we may need to forgive. Pray for the courage and fortitude to forgive, and the strength to ask for forgiveness. Listening and treating each other with compassion/respect is a lifetime project.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Christian marriage is more than giggles and laughs, even though we’ve had plenty of both. There is also a deepness of understanding which is difficult to explain but very much worth working toward.

It brings a smile to my face.

Husband prevented from visiting nursing home due to threat of coronavirus.
Photo copied from article in The Stream by Margaret Olohan 3/16/20

Coping with Anxiety

Mon, 27 Apr 2020 17:31:45 GMT

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We are living in uncertain times. If you struggle with anxiety, it makes sense to have heightened anxiety with the added turmoil in our world currently. If you are new to the vulnerability of anxiety, than this turmoil may be especially troubling for you.

Anxiety can look different for each person, however there are some common symptoms. Some symptoms are: hyper-vigilance, difficulty sleeping, racing thoughts, irritability, change in appetite, feeling a general restlessness, and difficulty concentrating on anything other than what you are worried about. There can also be physical manifestations such as rapid heart rate, trembling, sweating, and feeling weak or exhausted. Symptoms can ebb and flow or increase rapidly leading to a panic attack.

You can experience normal anxiety which looks like uneasiness and concern in a stressful situation. Extreme anxiety, where emotions are too hard to handle and fear or worry takes over and affects your functioning in daily life activities, is when the help of a professional would be wise. We were created with a fight-or- flight instinct which is very helpful in times of an immediate danger such as a car speeding directly towards us. When we are not in immediate danger but have a sense of dread and of impending doom, we can become hyper-vigilant. This means always being on alert looking for what could go wrong. Hyper-vigilance takes a toll on our mind and body because we are always in fight-or- flight mode which can make us irritable and difficult to be around.

Anxiety is common and you are not alone. Luckily, you are not helpless against it, even though you may feel like

it at times. If your self-care strategies are not helping, then please consider contacting a therapist. Your physical,

emotional and spiritual health depends on the decisions you make to protect yourself.

Often anxiety is created by negative thoughts of the future, the “what ifs” and the possibilities of what could go

wrong. The key to getting to a place of calmness, peace, and even joy, is by actively reeling in those thoughts and

concentrating on the present moment. Presently you are probably sheltered safely at home with the comforts of food,

clean clothes and beautiful objects that make you smile such as photographs of happy times. If you live with others, this is a good opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper level, learn to communicate better, and enjoy each other’s company in new ways. Together you form a domestic church and you can explore what God might be showing you during this time of distancing from the outside world. If you live alone, now is a good time to get to know both yourself and God better, to learn new things or start new hobbies. Reading, journaling, allowing yourself to slow down and reflect are all good ways to regenerate and combat anxiety. Perhaps you live in a household with others that you don’t get along with and are in a difficult situation.

This would be a perfect time to seek professional help because the chaos in the current world situation combined with problems in your home life can increase the intensity of the current issues and worsen your home situation. There are many ways you can help yourself and take back control. You will need to build up a tool kit of helpful skills to achieve that calmer, happier place that you would like to be in. The first step is to have a schedule so that you have routines and a structure to your day. You don’t have to be rigid about it, but it’s a good framework. Having a plan in place gives a sense of control, purpose and things to look forward to. This also leaves less room for boredom.

Everyone’s schedule has been disrupted in one way or another since the pandemic got closer to home. Intentionally creating a new schedule is empowering and gives you a sense of normalcy. Grounding exercises are especially helpful for many and can give us back a sense of peace. There are many good resources to assist in this area, for instance using an app such as Hallow that you can download and use as a relaxation aid.

Grounding exercises keep us centered on what is happening right now, which helps us to feel safe. A simple way to be in the present moment, for instance, is to use your five senses. Ask yourself to slow down and notice what are five things you see? What are four noises that you hear? What are three things that you smell? What are two things that you feel? Lastly, what is one thing that you taste? You could intentionally prepare to self soothe in this way by keeping hand lotion in your backpack, chocolate in your purse, or photos in your wallet.

Also please check out the video by our therapist Erin Moore Prater which includes a grounding exercise.

Reminding yourself of what has helped you in the past is also a good resource. Writing down a list of all the constructive ways that come to mind when you have handled difficulties successfully in the past would be helpful. When you are in the middle of feeling anxious and having difficulty thinking, you can refer to your list to decide what action step you would like to take to help yourself. Other potential ideas could include going for a walk, praying, reading a good book, taking a bath, cooking something that is a favorite, trying a new recipe, calling rather than texting an old friend, playing a board game, gardening, listening to music, or watching a movie. The list is endless of what might bring you some enjoyment, be a healthy distraction or a way to be a blessing to others.

Concentrating on the cognitive skills that can help our mindset can also be quite useful. One of the ways to do that

might be to learn about cognitive distortions. This would help you to examine how to analyze your automatic thoughts

and the ways that they may not be serving you well. Using self- reflection by putting our thoughts under a magnifying

glass can be fruitful in general. With prior preparation, when anxiety strikes, we can remind ourselves of what is the truth and what is merely a lie that we have told ourselves.

There are ten main cognitive distortions or automatic unhealthy thoughts.

1. All or Nothing Thinking, we see things in black and white absolutes but often the truth is somewhere in the middle.

2. Overgeneralization, viewing a negative event as a never- ending pattern

3. Mental Filter, dwelling on the negatives

4. Discounting the Positives, insisting they don’t count

5. Jumping to Conclusions, assuming negativity and predicting things will turn out badly

6. Magnification or Minimization, blowing things out of proportion or shrinking their importance

7. Emotional Reasoning, conclusions from emotions rather than facts

8. Should Statements, this wording often results in emotional bullying of self or others

9. Labeling, basically not extending grace, instead of “I made a mistake” you tell yourself “I’m a jerk.”

10. Self-Blame or Other-Blame, taking too much responsibility or too little responsibility when something goes wrong.

There is a lot of material on these patterns of thinking if you’d like to learn more. Having these kinds of thoughts

can be part of the human condition. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters. If we dwell on them, we can talk

ourselves right into anxiety. If we act on these thoughts, we can really make a mess for ourselves and others. Slowing

down and examining what is the truth and setting these distortions aside instead of believing them will also help pave the way for healthier living.

The Serenity Prayer, if taken seriously, has some of the answers to how you can feel better about whatever is

going on in your life in general and especially in these confusing times.

God, grant me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change...

Courage to change the things I can,

And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

Working on increasing your healthy coping mechanisms, learning helpful ways to deescalate anxiety, and adding

to your toolkit of anti-anxiety weapons is within your control. There is freedom in feeling more competent and in control

of your immediate circumstances even if the world swirling around us is in turmoil.

Having a therapist assist you to process struggles and life circumstances can be a rewarding experience and

valuable accompaniment along the way of your growth journey. Being able to tell your story to an attentive, non-

judgmental professional can be very therapeutic and help you to sort things out. Sometimes anti-anxiety medication is part of the answer. Additionally, there is no shame in medication to help the brain, just as there is no shame in taking medicine to help our heart or liver. Often there’s a genetic predisposition towards depression or anxiety. In those cases, the best outcome may be a combination of medication and therapy. There are many kind and knowledgeable therapists here at Holy Family Counseling Center.

Please don’t hesitate to give us a call and start your journey to feeling better. If you begin and end your day in prayer, I believe you’ll find that there’s less of a chance of your day completely unraveling in between.

Be safe and be blessed.

Speaking the Truth in Love

Mon, 20 Apr 2020 18:27:29 GMT

Speaking the truth in love.

Posted by Dr. Tom Spudic on April 20, 2020

“If I have the gift of prophecy, but have not love, I am like a booming gong or a clanging cymbal.”

“Speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15)

Now that we’ve gotten all of that nasty listening out of our system, we can move on to what most of us wanted in the first place – – how to get my spouse to listen to me ! (Oops. There I go again. Good listening is still crucial. It’s the key to everything.)

As important as it is, a happy marriage doesn’t just require listening. It requires the ability to speak up for yourself when needed. It’s not always easy or pleasant. When we do so we can’t be dismissive, arrogant, enraged, vengeful or hurtful.

That’s the message I get from this passage warning us against keeping a grudge:

Lev 19:17-18 “You shall not hate any of your kindred in your heart. Reprove your neighbor openly so that you do not incur sin because of that person. Take no revenge and cherish no grudge against your own people. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord”.

Sometimes we need to be quite direct, but there can be no malice in our words or manner. That’s what it means to “speak the truth in love” (Eph 4:15) . That is because “Love does no evil to the neighbor…” (Romans 13:10)

Okay. How do we go about being truthful but not hurtful? We start with listening . If your spouse doesn’t feel understood, there’s no way she’s going to listen. So, the first step in getting heard, is to make absolutely sure that you understand what’s being said. I can’t tell you how often that DOESN’T HAPPEN and we have an argument. If you get it right, your spouse usually will say “yes, that’s how I feel.”

Caution:
Understanding doesn’t mean you have to agree. It simply means you clearly understand where she is coming from and treat her (or him) with respect. You sometimes have to bite your tongue, avoid mind reading, interrupting, and arguing, so that your spouse sees that you “get it”. That’s not easy!! So here are some guidelines for listening & speaking.*

LISTENER* - JUST LISTEN, then summarize when your spouse pauses

Summarize without adding, interrupting, or minimizing.
Above all don’t criticize, argue or mind read.
Really try to understand. (This is super important.)

SPEAKER* - Express yourself honestly, effectively and charitably

Speak only for yourself; don’t blame, show contempt or mind read
Don’t go on and on. Pause to make sure the Listener’s “getting it”.
It’s fine to say “Yeah, that’s exactly it”!
Be gracious in correcting your Listener and share the floor.*

If you’d like to try it, here are some topics:

Topic A: Speak for five minutes about your favorite vacation.
(One person is Speaker and the other is Listener– – five minutes, then switch)
When one spouse is done speaking for five minutes, evaluate how things went. Learn anything? Rate yourself on not interrupting, criticizing and mind reading. Now (gulp) ask your spouse how you did. No matter what, don’t argue about it. You feel the way your feel. We can learn a lot from our spouses. Practice with low stress topics really help. When you are done, the other person speaks for five minutes. Be honest but BE NICE!
Topic B: What is your “job” as a spouse, particularly a Christian spouse?
(Again, one pe rson is Speaker and the other is Listener– – five minutes, then switch roles.)
Same guidelines. When one spouse is done speaking for five minutes, evaluate how things went. Learn anything? Rate yourself on not interrupting, criticizing and/or mind reading. Now (gulp) ask your spouse how you did. Again, you are ONLY speaking for yourself, NOT the other person. Resist every impulse to criticize or speak for the other person. This is simply an opportunity to know something about your spouse thanks. Be charitable.

To reiterate , good listening is the key to everything. And, when we speak, we speak for ourselves. Avoid mind reading; pause so our spouse can summarize what was said; avoid all signs of disrespect (criticism/blaming, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling)

Homework :
Discuss Topic A or B If… I have not love, I am like a booming gong or a clanging cymbal.

*Guidelines and wording similar to that used in the PREP, Inc. program. Consider attending one of their marital education seminars.

What, me listen???

Sun, 19 Apr 2020 17:50:12 GMT

“What me worry?”

-Alfred E. Newman

Does anyone remember Alfred E. Newman and Mad magazine? It was a hit back when I was in 7th grade! His famous quote was: “what me worry?”. Alfred rarely thought about anything, but his “wisdom” lives on when it comes to listening.

Here’s the popular wisdom:

Listening is easy. (Sure.) Especially when you’re upset. (Right.) And it’s unnecessary when you know the other person is totally wrong! (Now you’ve got it!) The main problem is getting my wife (or husband) to listen to me, not the other way around. She’s the one who needs to learn to listen. I do just fine, thank you, she is the problem! Alfred E Neuman is right!

What, me listen???

Here’s the honest truth. Good listening is a lot harder than it looks. It means seeing (and “feeling”) the world through the other person’s eyes, difficult as that is. Especially when I’m upset, I don’t want to do that. That’s why it’s so hard to work on listening—we don’t think we need to. BUT, unless you get at least mildly good at listening, your chances of getting listened to yourself are like—squat. Effective listening is both the most important and the most difficult skill we have to learn. And most of us don’t even think we have to improve.

What, me listen???

Here is where faith and character intersect. Whereas we sometimes don’t listen attentively to our own spouse, we listen to God even less. We complain because our spouse shouts, but also complain that most of the time God only whispers. We really don’t get to know our spouses or God (through Scripture, the Catechism or the teachings of the Church).

If we really want to have a good and happy marriage, we need to improve listening to our spouses and God. Much of the time I don’t want to listen to either.

One of the greatest gifts we can give our spouses is the feeling that they are fully understood, even if we still disagree. Sometimes we will continue to disagree. But compassionate understanding, achieved through listening, is almost always appreciated–even during conflict.

It is safe to say that God also appreciates it when we listen to His whispers, with our minds and with our hearts:

“Then the Lord said: Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord; the Lord will pass by… But the Lord was not in the earthquake; after the earthquake, fire but the Lord was not in the fire; after the fire a light silent sound. 1Kings 19:11…12

You’ll notice that listening is the first and most important skill we need to develop. It is probably the hardest skill, because it is most necessary when we are least inclined to use it.

We must not just observe our spouse, but we must learn to listen and listen well. The same goes for our relationship with God. This does not come naturally to most of us. Far too often, what I most like in life is the sound of my own voice!

Effective listening isn’t just listening to (or watching) what your spouse has to say. Good listening also has to happen in such a way that your spouse feels understood and cared for. That requires work and a lot of attention.

Recommendation:

Have your spouse pick some minor and enjoyable topic to discuss, and spend five minutes JUST LISTENING to her/him (example: What was your favorite TV show at age 10). Don’t interrupt, mind read, argue, or correct. JUST LISTEN. At the end of that time, summarize what your spouse said, as accurately as you can, without adding things, minimizing or otherwise changing her words. Above all don’t criticize, argue of mind read. Then switch roles. When you each finish speaking, silently rate yourself. Then ask your spouse how well he/she felt understood. Resist every impulse to criticize the other person’s effort. This is much harder than it sounds and you have just spent 10 minutes together trying to understand the other person. That deserves a thank you.

JUST LISTENING. Don’t interrupt, mind read, argue, or correct.

Working Toward a Happy Catholic Marriage

Thu, 16 Apr 2020 17:53:20 GMT

“What me worry?”

-Alfred E. Newman

“I’ve been married now for 25 years. You know what that is? That’s 10 good years!”–Dave Ramsey

Happy marriage is like building a beautiful building – – together. 50 years ago I embarked on that “building project”. Thanks be to God the “building” is still standing and thriving. But 50 years ago, I had little idea about how to create a beautiful building. I had no idea how difficult, challenging and painful at times it would be. Call me “clueless”. I had fallen in love with my wife and thought that was all there was to happiness. It is a common theme in our society. We often mistake the part for the whole, by believing that romantic love is the only kind of love that really counts.

I eventually realized that romantic love, glorious as it is (believe me I’m a big fan!), is not and cannot be constant. At times, life, including married life, is not pleasant. If I’m going to stay happily married I need to develop the other forms of love that go beyond romantic love: friendship, love of family, and sacrificial love.

Let me use a sports analogy. If you have ever trained for sport, you know that there are certain times in that activity that are just plain miserable. Wind sprints, sore muscles, sweating in the hot sun, chronic injuries—none of these are a cause for rejoicing. The less we have practiced and the more “out of shape”, the tougher it is to keep working. Still, we continue because there’s something wonderful on the horizon. If sports are wonderful, happy marriage can be 10 times greater. But like success in anything else, a happy (or “happier”) marriage requires some sacrifice and suffering. We understand that when it comes to sports, school, business, etc. For some reason, it is never assumed when it comes to marriage. If we are going to succeed in a sport, we must first train for it. How many of us have even thought about training for marriage? Huh? You mean prepare to be a good (or at least better) spouse? Me? Are you serious?

After many years of marriage counseling and 50 years of my own marriage, I am convinced that a happy marriage is highly unlikely until I get serious about changing/improving ME! I emphasized that in the last newsletter. No matter how challenging or difficult my spouse may be, until I get serious about being a more loving spouse, I am unlikely to make much progress at all. To be sure, if a spouse is addicted to alcohol, is abusive, is mentally ill, etc. the other spouse is not to blame. I am not suggesting that we should take up responsibility for our spouse’s real character flaws. On the contrary, sometimes we need to speak up more assertively and in some cases a spouse may need to leave the situation.

However, I am also convinced that virtually all of us need to get much better at listening to our spouses, affirming their goodness, recognizing their efforts and loving our spouse unconditionally, the way that God loves us. How good are you that? Speaking for myself, I still have plenty of work to do.

As with most couples, there have been tumultuous and difficult times in my marriage. I’m generally a pretty good husband, but I have blind spots. Early in our marriage, I was prone to hurt my wife with particular words that brought up, for her, old wounds. Not having lived her life, I couldn’t imagine why she was reacting so strongly and angrily. From my perspective, I was convinced that she “had a problem”, not I. However, on one occasion it got through to me just how miserable and painful my words could be. I want to emphasize that I was not being purposefully mean. However, I was looking at the situation entirely through my eyes and was clueless about how much pain that was causing to this woman that I, supposedly, loved. Such marital conflict, spurred on by a failure to truly listen and see the world through one spouse’s eyes, is common.

So, at that time I decided that no matter how unfairly I thought I was being treated, I was going to focus exclusively on being a better husband, at least in those areas where I had direct control. I eventually looked at the guy in the mirror and said: “You know, Tom, sometimes you can be a real jerk! Forget about her. You have some work to do!” And I worked to be a better husband. I know my wife was not then and is not now perfect. She would be the first to tell you that. That doesn’t matter. As a Christian husband, I am called to love her the way that she deserves to be loved. Sometimes sincere attempts to be a more understanding, affirming spouse, causes the other person to change. However, my devotion to change cannot be depend on her doing it first! I need to change simply because I promised to love her the way that she deserves to be loved, no matter what. It doesn’t matter how wounded, depressed, angry or confused she may be at a given time. I did promise to love her. Besides, I’m not always easy to love!!!

This is not a magic formula. Change in marriage, like any other great adventure, takes time. But if we are to achieve a happier marriage, we have to make a strong commitment to look at ourselves. To be blunt, without that, anything else that we say is “hot air”. Unfortunately, such commitment is rather rare – – at least initially. We are prideful people. Change requires humility. In my own case, it took a while before I realized how much I had to change.

I would suggest that, if you want lasting happiness in marriage, your first commitment must be becoming a better person – – a more empathic, loving, caring, compassionate person. Doing so brings a sense of peace, even in the most difficult of circumstances. It implies that you must become a better Catholic/Christian.

Even the happiest marriage is not pleasant every moment of the day. Yet, I am convinced that contentment, joy and peace are all quite achievable in marriage. It takes a great commitment to self-examination, devotion to hard work, the development of some skills, and an ironclad commitment to love our spouse the way that God loves us. A happy marriage is worth working for. It is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.

Recommendation:

Rate yourself, 1-10, on how well you do at loving your spouse the way she/he deserves to be loved. If you gave yourself a good score (and feel brave), ask your spouse for her own rating of you. If your spouse gives you a good rating, keep it up. If (s)he has a particular recommendation for behavior change (that’s not immoral or illegal), try it out and see how well it works toward your goal of being a better spouse. If you gave yourself a low score, what might you do about it? More strategies to come in future Newsletters.

Building a Happy Catholic Marriage

Wed, 15 Apr 2020 17:56:56 GMT

“ Love is blind; but marriage is an eye-opener!”
— Scott Stanley, PhD

Marriage is quite an education. We never stop learning, but we don’t really “graduate”. I enrolled (officially) in the “University of Linda”, June 28, 1969. I married the Dean of Students and Chief Instructor. She’s had a difficult job. However, l’ve not been expelled and l’m proud that my grades have improved.

I should have known marriage would be a challenge. Once, before we got married, we went to eight different shoe stores and couldn’t find the “right” shoes. Do you know how many shoes we saw? For what? I spent more time in shoe stores that day than I had in my whole life. To borrow a phrase, was I marrying a Martian?

Marriage is often the most joyous, rewarding, uplifting and confusing thing that you’II ever experience! lt’s mysterious, but love and marriage is worth exploring. I hope we can share some of the happiness, virtues and skills that make for a happy (or at least happier) marriage. That’s my hope for this Newsletter. I hope we all enjoy it, even if we remain, at times, happily confused.

Why is happy Catholic marriage important? A happy marriage is one of the most desired goals for the majority of Americans and likely most citizens of the world. Statistically speaking, average marriages produce significant benefits in longevity, wealth, physical health, healthy connections with our children, lowered risk of mental illness, lower risk of addiction, lower risk of incarceration, etc. (see The Case for Marriage, Waite & Gallagher, 2000) lf we can get those results from average marriages, what might be the benefits of more happy marriages?

But what about the Catholic part? Why does that matter? A lot relates to what the Catechism refers to as the “Domestic Church”. Saint John Paul II referred to the family as the “Domestic Church”, a “school” where we learn how to love. Want to change the world? He suggested we should start by learning how to better love within our own families. Maybe I should start by learning how to better love my own wife (or husband).

When thinking about marriage, we often make three serious mistakes. Our first mistake is believing that happy marriages are constantly pleasant! lf we consider love to be just a feeling, we know that NO feeling lasts forever. That should tell us something. We need to take some of those giddy romantic feelings and use them to build the other types of friendship and compassionate love that we’II need in other phases of our marriage. No honeymoon lasts forever.

From a Christian point of view, Jesus led the “happiest” of earthly lives, by living a life of total virtue and fulfillment of the Father’s will . He did it not just for himself, but for the entire world. He is our Savior. For the unbeliever, however, his life could be viewed as one of misery and unhappiness. Jesus’ earthly life ended on the cross, humiliated, scorned, and murdered for telling the truth. lf we are to live a happy married life, we are likely to spend some time “on the cross”. There is no such thing as cheap happiness {or to quote Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “cheap Grace”). In the words of Saint Teresa of Calcutta, if you have not greatly suffered, you’ve not really loved. lt doesn’t mean we have to seek out suffering or create it. But, the happiest of marriages will not be pleasant every single moment. What a paradox in this society to proclaim that love doesn’t just involve pleasure, but that in its purest form it also involves pain! Who’s gonna tell Hollywood?

So, having bumped into this first unpleasant reality {that happy marriages are not constantly pleasant–bummer!), we bump into a second mistaken belief. That belief says happy marriages don’t require much work. But it’s not true. Happy marriages often require considerable effort, especially when it comes to honoring and understanding our spouse. (What? I have to work on my marriage? What fun is that? lf you really love each other, shouldn’t it really be pretty easy? Well … No!)

Remember that we are striving to achieve one of the most wonderful blessings in human existence. Why would this be achieved without some effort? Champion athletes devote years of study/hard work to their craft, knowing there is NO guarantee of success. But they also know their skill levels will increase if they practice. So, a happy marriage takes some effort and practice. Who would have guessed?

There is a third mistake we make when thinking about happy marriage: We forget that the person who needs to do most of the work is ME, not my spouse. Virtually no one wants to hear that, but it is the truth. One of the biggest factors in the failure of marital therapy and marriages generally, is the conviction that the other person is the one who needs to get” fixed”. That reality has held not just for the people I work with in counseling- – it has held for me personally.

So what is the take away from this discussion of happy Catholic marriage? No matter how wonderful, happy Catholic marriage is not pleasant every single moment. As joyous as marriage can be (and it is incredibly joyous), there will be sacrifice. Furthermore, no matter how undeniably flawed your spouse may be, your entire focus needs to be on YOU. Our call as Christian spouses is to get much better at loving our spouse, the way that God loves us. My job is not to fix my spouse. My job is to become a better, more loving me. No one can do my job for me.

Recommendation:

Reflect for five minutes on how well you love your spouse the way she/he deserves to be loved. How good are you at listening to your spouse and seeing the world through her/his eyes? lf you are anything like me, you will see that there is a good deal of work to be done. The work needs to start with removing the log from my own eye, not the splinter from hers. Future Newsletters will discuss how to do that.

holy-family-counseling-center

Teach Us to Number Our Days: How knowing our Story and Easter Help Us Live with Clarity

The Story You’re Living (and Probably Not Examining)

Slowing Down Enough to Actually See Your Life

Easter Isn’t Just a Celebration—It’s a Pattern

Why Understanding Your Story Changes Everything

The Resistance to Looking at Our Story

Where God Is in the Middle of Your Story

Numbering Your Days, Living Your Story

A Final Word (and an Invitation)

Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish: A Christian Therapist’s Guide to Mental, Physical, and Spiritual Health

The "Imposter" in the Mirror: Why Self-Worth is More Than Just a High-Five to Yourself

Slowing Down for Lent: A Therapist’s Case for Holy Unproductivity

The Star in the Window: A Midwinter Reflection for the Soul

When and How to Make Amends: Discernment, Boundaries, and the Catholic Call to Healing

The Gift of Forgiveness: Healing Relationships Through Therapy and God's Mercy

Your Thoughts Lead the Way

Strengthening Marriages: Therapy and the Catholic Vision of Sacramental Love

Navigating Grief and Loss: Therapy and the Catholic Theology of Hope and Resurrection

The Complexity of Grief: Not a Straight Line

A Catholic Lens on Death, Loss, and What Comes After

Finding Healing in the Integration of Therapy and Faith

Moving Through Grief Toward New Life

Final Reflection

The Way Retreat

Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Irene Rowland, LPC will be supporting The Way Retreat

with Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC

The Trauma Recovery Group

Adults Living with Unresolved Trauma beginning August 7, 2025

Holy Family Counseling Center therapist, Wendy Baribeau, LMFT, presenting at Three to Get Married Weekend Retreat

Finding Meaning in Suffering: Therapy and the Catholic Understanding of the Cross

The Truth about the Stages of Grief

Good Shepherd Newsletter 12

Competency 12: Food & Mood

Good Shepherd Newsletter 11

Competency 11: The Advent of Stress

Good Shepherd Newsletter 10

Competency 10: Having Presence in the Present

Good Shepherd Newsletter 9

Competency 9: Finding Stability in Change

Good Shepherd Newsletter 8

Competency 8: When the Runner Stumbles

Good Shepherd Newsletter 7

Newsletter 7: Holiness Out of Temptation: “The devil made me do it”

Good Shepherd Newsletter 6

Competency 6: Spiritual Martial Arts

Good Shepherd Newsletter 5

Competency 5: Expansion of Skills

Good Shepherd Newsletter 4

Competency 4: Spiritual Fatherhood

Good Shepherd Newsletter 3

Competency 3: Sustaining a Healthy Lifestyle

Good Shepherd Newsletter 2

Competency 2: Positive Fraternal Connections

Good Shepherd Newsletter 1

Competency 1: Resiliency

Good Shepherd Newsletter - Introduction II

Good Shepherd - 5 Competencies

Good Shepherd Newsletter - Introduction I

Good Shepherd - Introduction

We are an Easter People

We are an Easter people!!

Every person has a mission from God. What’s yours?

Every person has a mission from God. What’s yours ﻿

"Our true mission will resemble and implement one or more of the corporal and/or spiritual works of mercy."

Smart Parenting in the Smartphone Era: Part II Using Resources

Part II: Using Resources

Smart Parenting in the Smartphone Era Part I: Know the Risks

Part I: Know the Risks

In Sickness and In Health

Husband prevented from visiting nursing home due to threat of coronavirus. Photo copied from article in The Stream by Margaret Olohan 3/16/20

Coping with Anxiety

This is a subtitle for your new post

Speaking the Truth in Love

Speaking the truth in love. ﻿

What, me listen???

“What me worry?”

﻿ -Alfred E. Newman

JUST LISTENING. Don’t interrupt, mind read, argue, or correct.

Working Toward a Happy Catholic Marriage

Newsletter 7: Holiness Out of Temptation:
“The devil made me do it”

Every person has a mission from God. What’s yours

Husband prevented from visiting nursing home due to threat of coronavirus.
Photo copied from article in The Stream by Margaret Olohan 3/16/20

Speaking the truth in love.

-Alfred E. Newman

-Alfred E. Newman

“ Love is blind; but marriage is an eye-opener!”
— Scott Stanley, PhD